Thursday, January 14, 2010

Modern Bullshit

Did anyone manage to catch Modern Family, ABC's new show about, well, modern families? I didn't. But I did happen to stumble across the above picture recently. It's the show's gay couple. And their adopted Vietnamese baby.

Wow, groundbreaking. There's the prissy fag on the left in the darling little sweater. (I've dubbed him Sweater.) And on the right there's the tubby mo with the wild and wacky shirt! (His name will be Paisley) Jebus. Those were my first impressions. Just based on the photo. Two tired stereotypes right out of the box. But that couldn't be right, could it? Not in a show created by two hetero dudes.

So I went to Wikipedia, and read the character bios.

Sweater is a low-key or mild-mannered person. At most times he is the exact opposite of Paisley which usually causes disagreements. Paisley acts as a counterbalance to Sweater's uptight, worrying ways. He is not ashamed of his homosexuality and usually responds to homophobia (whether real or perceived) by giving "speeches". However, he is sometimes embarrassed by Paisley's flamboyance. Sweater's dad isn't completely comfortable with the fact that his son is gay, which most likely contributed to Sweater becoming a momma's boy. Sweater is an overprotective and cautious father. He also enjoys musical theater and loved ice-skating as a kid.

Ho ho! He also enjoys musical theater and loved ice-skating as a kid! Of course he did. He's a momma's boy, like all sweater-loving fags. I also am thrilled that gay men are yet again portrayed as imagining phantom homophobia under every pillow. Oh well, any excuse to give a speech on political correctness!

Paisley, also referred to as Paise, is Sweater's partner of five years who has a very big dramatic personality. His bubbly outgoing personality contrasts to Sweater's uptight manner, which causes them to be very opposite. Paisley was a starting center for the University of Illinois football team. Paisley fosters many unusual hobbies such as collecting antique fountain pens, being adept in Japanese flower arrangement, filming home movies, and is a classically trained Auguste clown. Paisley often dresses their daughter up as famous people, such as Diana Ross or Ray Charles for the purpose of taking photographs.

Oh my, the laughs just keep on coming, don't they? See, he's an ex-football player, but he loves Japanese flower arrangement! How gay is that? Of course he loves antiques, amiright? He's bubbly and dramatic (in fairness, those words were written by a Wiki contrib, though I suspect it isn't inaccurate). And he was trained as a clown! Because all homos just love to perform. When they're not playing dress-up with their adopted kid*.

Sometimes I forget we're living in the 21st century when retrofuck swill like these stereotypes continue to fill the airwaves. One of these days, maybe, I'll see a TV show that features real gay characters.

* As we know, if you're a lesbian on TV, you've a baster baby. If you're gay, you've adopted one from some war-torn country.