Friday, June 27, 2008

Dear Mr. Maupin

In a recent piece for The Advocate you referred to Clinton and Obama as "pussies." Apparently you were none too thrilled with their statements on civil unions and the California Supreme Court's decision on same-sex marriage. Fine, be angry with them, that's all well and good. But do you need to resort to misogynist language when writing about it? You seem to think so, since you said "there's no other way to put this" when using the word. I disagree. Maybe next time, instead of calling someone a "pussy" try one of these less offensive choices:


Or, if you want to be especially clever, you could go with:

Mr. Furleys
Bert Lahrs

Then there are these, just off the top of my head right now, that mean not exactly the same thing, but get the point across just the same:


And if you're feeling maybe betrayed at all, there is (again, just off the top of my head):


I bet if I sat here for a little while I could come up with a couple dozen more. I bet you could too.

Your pal,


(H/T to Shaker Juliemania)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Eighth Circle

Submitted without comment: This story, about a video game titled The Torture Game 2, which is pretty much just what the name says it is: "A computer game in which you, the player, are asked to do horrible, unspeakable, and totally sick, sick, sick things to a defenseless man-like person tied up in some dark room from which he has absolutely no hope of escape."

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Pacman Fever (Or, Imus is Still a Racist Asshole, Part II)

Following the furor over Imus' latest foray into the slimy cesspool of racist douche-baggery, the radio "personality" has apologized for his remarks. Oh, wait. No, he didn't. Imus now claims his abject lack of surprise at Pacman Adam Jones' high rate of arrest was merely pointed social commentary on racial profiling by police.

In fact, Imus is surprised anyone even questions this. "No man has more discussions about race than I have." Yeah, you're Cornel fucking West. But the indignation doesn't end there: "What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason, and I mean there's no reason to arrest this kid six times."

And, well… No. Jones should have been arrested six times, probably more. He's spat in a woman's face on more than one occasion. At a strip club, he allegedly grabbed a woman by the hair and smashed her head into the floor. He was tangentially involved in a shooting that left a man permanently disabled. He has a long string of arrests, all, as best I can tell, well deserved. In fact, it seems he's been treated very tamely by the law by virtue of being a pro athlete.

All of which makes Imus' explanation a steaming pile of horseshit. Because if you know anything about Jones, you know he's not "a lovely kid" who was just "out there having fun." He's a sociopathic goon who likes to assault women. So, Imus defending him is hollow and stupid and puts the lie to his claims of making some sort "sarcastic point."

Face it, Imus. You're a racist douche. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Now, kindly shut the fuck up.

P.S. The article also states "Imus pointed out that his show has a black producer and two black co-hosts." Yes, you guessed it: some of Imus' best friends are black.

Quote of the Day

"I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology... He is dragging biblical understanding through the gutter." — James Dobson, douchebag extraordinaire, responding to "recent comments" by presidential hopeful Barrack Obama.

Irony, thy name is Dobson.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Teach Your Children Well

WTF is all I have to say about this.

No, wait, that isn't all I have to say. But seriously, WTF? What kind of parent sends their daughter to a camp where one of the activities is "putting together and accessorizing outfits"? It's really more than that say defenders (though I call bullshit on that):

"Overall it has a fashion background, but it also has to do with personal development and self-confidence," said Jo Ross, camp coordinator and leader.
Sure, because a woman's self-worth should always be tied to how "fashionable" her attire. That's healthy. Oh, yes, and girls as young as six are encouraged to attend. Get em neurotic and worried about self-image early, I guess.

At fashion stops, like Limited Too, Old Navy and Designer Shoe Warehouse, campers not only learn fashion terminology but public speaking skills, as they are asked to stand up in front of the group and explain their favorite pieces, Ross said.
Because, really, that's what should be valuable in a young woman's life: discussing her outfits.

And here's my favorite bit:

"This is something different," Ross said. "Not everybody can be a cheerleader or football player, so this is something for someone with different interests ... the most important thing I tell the girls is to have fun."
Oh, okay. Sure, not everyone can be a cheerleader, or an athlete, but anyone can learn to be shallow! Too bad there aren't any other choices for women to aspire to these days.

(H/T to Lisa at Parents for Ethical Marketing.)

The Worst Show In The History of the Universe

Television programming has finally reached its nadir. Debuting in a few weeks, on basic cable everywhere (yes, check your local listings), is a game show delightfully named Hurl. Here is the premise: Contestants gorge themselves on spaghetti, Oreo cookies, whatever, then board a Tilt-A-Whirl. They last one to puke wins. Nice. Where's the Legion of Decency when you need them?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Only Homos See Chick Flicks

This is what passes for humor these days? For alleged comedian Andy Borowitz it does. He penned a humor column over the weekend titled: "Straight Man Accidentally Sees 'Sex and the City': 'Terrifying' Experience, Says Home Depot Clerk." Wow. Get it? Only a fag would see that chick flick. Not a macho tough guy, not a man who fixes things, not a man with a toolbox. Not a real man.

Hendrick Colton, 34, said that he bought a ticket to the summer blockbuster "Iron Man" at his neighborhood multiplex but wandered into the theater showing "Sex and the City" instead. "The minute the movie came on, I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong," he said.
My God, a movie where stuff isn't exploding every three seconds! Oh, the humanity!

Mr. Colton, a sales clerk at a Home Depot in the Akron suburbs, said he tried to leave the theater immediately but was seated in the middle of a row, making it impossible to escape without causing commotion. "All the people around me were laughing their heads off and shouting, 'You go, girl!'" he said. "It was terrifying."
Scary girls! What? They have cooties? Christ on a cracker, what are you, twelve? Seriously, is this supposed to be funny? You used to write for The New Yorker? Oh, and hey, you know what? No one says "You go, girl!" anymore.

Borowitz, the man behind Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison (Oh, ho! Prison rape jokes! Tres clever!) continues:

A spokesman for New Line Cinema, the company that released "Sex and the City," said that the film grossed $55 million over the weekend but that Mr. Colton was the only heterosexual man known to have seen it.
Note to any straight men who have actually seen the film: You're gay. If you doubt me:

"A heterosexual man could see that movie and remain heterosexual at its conclusion," Dr. Logsdon said. "Having said that, it's totally gay that he did that."
See? Totally gay. Not a real man. We get it. Sure, you can "remain heterosexual" but nudge nudge wink wink, come on, not really… Straight guys shop at Home Depot and watch movies with explosions. Gay men probably shop at Linens and Things, and well, we know what kinds of movies they like.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Criswell Predicts

I was rummaging through my things the other day and came across this wonderful item: Criswell Predicts: From Now to the Year 2000!, a book published in 1968 cataloguing some of the infamous seer's more "fanciful" prophecies.

Criswell is perhaps best known for his odd narrative scenes in Plan 9 from Outer Space, or if you haven't actually seen that (and I wouldn't blame you if I haven't), you may be familiar with Jeffrey "I'm a Creep" Jones's portrayal of him in Tim Burton's biopic Ed Wood. He also spent a fair amount of time sharing his psychic visions with the world, whether it was on the Jack Parr show or on his own syndicated TV show.

Criswell's predictions range from the bizarre to the ridiculous to the gob-smackingly stupid. His method of forecasting was, as best I can guess, huffing silver Krylon while looking at Flash Gordon comics. He claimed an 87% accuracy rate, which seems about as reliable as anything that come out of his mouth.

That being said, legend has it that Criswell did accurately predict JFK's assassination. If true, this alone makes him more reliable than Nostradamus. And an unknown Wikipedia scribe claims Criswell may have been gay, which shouldn't surprise anyone considering two of his closest friends were a transvestite and a vampire. (That's not to say having transvestites and vampires as friends necessarily means one is gay, it just increases the odds.) All of which is neither here nor there.

Since we're apt, here at Shakes, to discuss matters of personal autonomy women have, or at least ought to have, all things being perfect, I thought I'd share Criswell's prediction, right there on page two of his book, under the heading Birth Control. (Page one was about homos, just FYI.)

I predict that birth control will no longer be a major problem in the United States. Placed in the water system of the country, in every city, regardless of size, will be chemicals which will act as contraceptives on the entire populace. In addition to this, the electricity that comes into each home will have certain ionic particles that cause contraception.
Ionic particles, eh? How sciencey!

Birth control will be a function of the Federal Government. If you want a child, you will have to go to the proper Federal Government Agency and get yourself a pill so that you may conceive. You will have to receive the sanction of this Government agency before you will have the right to have a child.

Birth control in any of the forms which we know today will not exist-by the year 1981, when these new systems will definitely be in effect in this country and the majority of the other nations throughout the world. This, mankind will agree, is the only way to control the population explosion.
Well… that's… something. Birth control a function of the Feds? Like The Handmaid's Tale, but different. Nevermind that there are now certain fuckwits out there who'd love it if the government actually made birth control it's purview, that is, made it illegal at the federal level.

I wonder what's on page three.