Cats In Hats For Xmas

Juni is not a fan of hats.



Neither is Potter.

Eating Tacos While Driving Is A Dangerous Thing

Lis' car, the victim of a soft taco.



The car landed on its roof.



She walked away with only a few bruises.



(See also.)

MEET KEVIN JOHNSON

Or, Bombs

[Originally Aired March 20, 2008]

Ben, Sawyer, Hurley, and Claire sit tensely around in Ben's living room. Locke arrives with Miles. He says there will be no more secrets and prods Miles to reveal why the freighter crew is there. He says they're here for Ben, and everyone is all "no shit, doucheknocker." Sawyer suggests turning him over to them, but that is countered with "Once they have me, their orders are to kill everyone else on the island." Hurley asks who the spy on the boat is. Michael. Sawyer is in disbelief. "I'm sorry. You mean the same guy that killed two women in cold blood to set this little bastard free? And then sold all of us out so he could get off the island? That Michael?" On the freighter Gault pounds on two crew members who were looking to escape. "Nobody leaves this ship without my say so! I'm not beating these men to scare you. I beat them to save your lives! Do you remember what happened to the last two men who took off in this boat? You remember what happened to Minkowski? As soon as we get the engines fixed, we're back in the hunt. In the meantime, everybody just hold on." Then he tells "Johnson" AKA Michael to clean up the blood. Everyone wanders away, except Sayid who gets in Michael's face. Not now, says Michael. Sayid asks him what he is doing on the boat. "I am here to die," he responds. After their meeting, Ben asks for a word with Alex. He gives her a map to the Temple and tells her to go there now. The rest of the Others are already there. Alex, Rousseau and Karl head out. On the boat, Sayid and Dez finally corner Michael alone and ask him what the fuck he's up to. Flashback to NYC, and Michael scrawls a note on some paper, then pins it to his shirt. He jumps behind the wheel of his car and drives full-speed into a storage container. Crunch! And then he wakes up in the hospital. And Libby is his nurse. What the fuck! He freaks out and his nurse morphs into someone else. Someone he didn't murder. She asks if he wants her to call someone. Walt maybe? No. Later Michael knocks on his mother's door. He asks to see Walt. She tells him to get lost. He says he has a right to see him. "I thought you were dead. They said your plane crashed in the middle of the ocean, but you show up here fine and dandy, only I can't tell anybody about you or Walt, can't call you by your real names. He barely talks to me, but he does wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and I'm the one that's got to tell him it's gonna be okay. So until you can explain to me where you were for over two months and what happened, you gave up your rights." Damn! As he walks away, Michael looks up and sees a digitally superimposed Walt looking at him from an upstairs window. Walt coldly pulls the curtains closed on his father. Michael visits a pawn shop and tries to sell Jin's watch. The guy offers him $300 for it. Michael says no, he wants to trade it for a gun. And some bullets. Moments later Michael sits in an alley and loads the pistol. He puts the gun to his head but is interrupted. "Excuse me, sir. You got the time?" No, piss off! "How about for an old friend?" Tom walks out of the shadows. Damn! Michael stands and tries to shoot Tom but misses. The two scuffle until Tom knocks him on his ass. Don't mess with Tom, he's one butch mo! Then they scuffle some more because Michael is kind of dumb. Tom gets the gun and puts it to Michael's head. Michael says to go ahead and shoot him. As if. Michael mumbles some shit about his son and Tom asks "You told him, didn't you? You couldn't carry the guilt of what you did to those two women all by yourself, so you shared it with a 10-year-old kid. Is that why you wanna kill yourself, Michael? Because that's the way he looks at you now? Because he knows you're a murderer?" Damn! Michael tells him to fuck off. "I got some bad news for you, amigo. You can't kill yourself. The island won't let you. No matter how bad you want to, no matter how many different ways you try, it won't happen. Give it a shot if you don't believe me. You got more work to do, Mike. When you figure that out, I'm in the penthouse at the Hotel Earle." Hey, wasn't the Hotel Earle the place they stayed in Barton Fink? Michael sits at home and tries to shoot himself. It doesn't work. He puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger but the gun doesn't fire. So Michael visits Tom at the penthouse suite of the Hotel Earle. Tom is there with his friend Arturo. Tom gives him a smooch and asks him for some privacy. Arturo steps out onto the balcony. See? I told you Tom was a mo. Tom eats grapes and says "Don't make it to the mainland too often so when I do, I like to indulge myself." Yeah, grapes and buttfucking: what life is all about. Michael asks about the plane found in the ocean. "That's not your plane. It's a phony. A man named Widmore put it down there, and he staged the whole wreck. He doesn't want anyone else finding where the real plane ended up." Okay, so who faked the wreckage? Ben or Widmore? Michael asks Tom to prove Widmore staged the crash. Tom whips out a file and starts thumbing through it. "That's the cemetery in Thailand where Widmore dug up the 300-odd corpses he needed. And the purchase order for the old 777 he bought through a shell company, and the shipping logs for the freighter he used to drop the whole mess down a trench deep enough to guarantee that no remains are ever gonna be identified. Do you have any idea what it would cost to bring those bodies up?" What's he want from him, Michael asks. "In a few days, a freighter is porting in Fiji. It's Widmore's boat. We have reason to believe he's finally found the coordinates of the island, and he's heading right for it. So congratulations, Michael. Your shore leave is over. You just got a job on that boat." Tom hands him a new passport. "Meet Kevin Johnson." Michael doesn't like the idea. Tom tells him this is how he can redeem himself for the murders and betrayal. Michael says he can't go back to the island. You're not, says Tom. You're going to kill everyone on the boat. Michael arrives in Fiji and meets Minkowski and Naomi. Miles tells him his name isn't Kevin. There is a package waiting for Michael. Tom calls and asks if he's ready. Michael isn't, until Tom reminds him of all the people he left on the island, and how they will die if Michael doesn't help. Later, Frank and Michael bullshit on deck. Frank says "What would you say if I told you the plane they found in that trench wasn't Oceanic 815? That's why I signed up for this trip, because the owner of this boat believes me. Charles Widmore. He believes that 815 is still out there somewhere. I mean, can you imagine what would happen if we found some of those people alive?" Later Michael watches Keamy and friends shoot skeet with machine guns. "I thought we were going on a rescue mission," he says. Keamy tells him to go mop something. Back in his room, Michael opens his package and carries the contents to the engine room. It's a toolbox with false bottom. There's a bomb inside. Michael keys in the detonation code. He hesitates over the "execute" button. Libby appears and tells him not to do it. He ignores her and presses the button. She disappears. The bomb counts down. When it hits zero, a flag on the bomb pops up. "Not yet." Damn! Later he sits in his room, and Minkowski comes in and tells him he has a call. No one knows I'm here, he says. Minkowski tells him it is Walt. Michael goes to the radio room but it's Ben on the other end. He asks Ben what's the deal with the fake bomb. "There are people on your boat who are innocent. They have no idea that the man they work for is a monster, a killer without conscience or a greater purpose. I had to show you the difference between him and me. When I'm at war, I'll do what I need to do to win, but I will not kill innocent people." Ben asks him to get a list of everyone on the boat. Ben will call back later for it. After that, destroy the radios. Then the engines. That way the boat will never get to the island. Michael says okay and Ben tells him "Consider yourself one of the good guys." And we're all caught up and Sayid asks if Michael is really working for Ben. Yeah. So Sayid grabs Michael and drags him to Gault and says "This is the man who sabotaged your radio room. He destroyed the ship's engine, and his name isn't Kevin Johnson. It's Michael Dawson, and he's a traitor." Damn! Meanwhile, in the jungle, Alex, Karl and Rousseau stop to rest. Karl drinks and there's a zipping sound and his canteen is punctured. Huh? Then he's shot in the chest and keels over. Damn! Rousseau grabs her and they start to run. But Rousseau is hit too. She collapses. Someone approaches through the brush. Alex raises her hands and screams "Wait! Wait! Don't! I'm Ben's daughter! I'm his daughter!"

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JI YEON

Or, The Panda

[Originally Aired March 13, 2008]

Frank strolls down the hall of the freighter, a bag of food under his arm. Regina sits outside the door of Dez and Sayid's room. She pretends to read, until Frank points out her book is upside down. Frank drops off some canned beans to the prisoners. He says the captain isn't happy with them since they busted out. They say someone left the door open, they assumed it was Frank. Nope, he says. Sayid asks again to speak to the captain. On the beach Sun is worried about Dez and Sayid. Jin remains hopeful. Then he wants to talk about baby names, but Sun says it is bad luck. "I want to name her Ji Yeon," he says. She doesn't want to talk about it, finally offering "I'll tell you what. Let's get off the island first. Then we can pick a name." Flashforward and Sun is in an apartment somewhere, she's very pregnant. She winces, grabs her belly. She is in pain. She picks up the phone and asks for an ambulance. Cut to Jin, in a small shop. He purchases a giant stuffed panda. The man behind the counter asks if he wants it gift wrapped. No, says Jin, he has to get to the hospital. Boy or girl? He doesn't know yet. Jin's phone rings, he says he's on his way. The shop owner wishes him luck. Back on the beach Kate and Jack and the rest return to camp. Sun asks Kate about her bruises and tells them about Charlotte and Juliet and the poison gas. Sun wonders if the freighter crew is really going to rescue them. "In all the time they've been here they've talked about a lot of things, and none involved rescuing us," says Kate. Sayid and Dez sit in the room eating canned beans. Dez farts. Someone slips a note under their door. It reads "Don't trust the captain." Sun asks Faraday if they're going rescue them. Faraday only says "It's not really my call." I'd take that as a no. I want to like Faraday, he seems like a decent guy but he's also working with freighter crew and maude knows what bullshit they're up to. Sun tells Jin to pack up two days worth of food, they're heading to Locke's camp. She heads to the med tent and starts foraging for prenatal vitamins. Juliet asks her what the hell is up. Sun says they're leaving and Juliet tells her that is a bad idea, that she'll die if she doesn't stay and wait for the freighter, if she doesn't get off the island. Sun says Claire is fine and Juliet is kind of a liar so why should she believe her now? Cut to the hospital and one of the nurses recognizes Sun as one of the Oceanic Six. A doctor arrives, not her regular doc though, he's at a conference. Sun asks them to call Jin. Outside the store, Jin hails a cab. He stuffs the panda in the back seat. His phone rings. "Yes, I am on my way." Someone bumps into him, and he drops his phone. Then a motorcyclist runs it over. Damn! Then someone jumps into the taxi and speeds of with his panda. Double damn! "Stop! You bastard! I will kill you! If I find you! I will hunt you down and rip your head off!" He returns to the store and asks for another panda. Last one, sorry. Jin sees one behind the counter and asks bout it. Already sold. Jin whips out a wad of cash and demands the last panda. The owner hands it over and tells him not to lose it. Back on the beach, Kate gives Sun directions to the barracks. Juliet interrupts and says it's a bad idea. Then Juliet tells Jin that Sun cheated on her and wasn't even sure the baby was his. Sun slaps Juliet. Jin storms off. Jin grabs his fishing gear as Sun tries to explain. Bernard interrupts and asks to go fishing then realizes he's stumbled into the middle of a domestic dispute. Jin tells him to come along and the two wander down the beach. While fishing Bernard tells him about Rose's cancer and how if she leaves she might get sick again. So why'd they stay with Jack then? Karma, Bernard says. Locke is a murderer. Staying with Jack was the right thing to do. Jin reels in a fish. Karma, says Bernard. On the freighter Dez and Sayid discuss an odd banging they hear. Then the doctor says they captain will see them now. As they walk down the hall, they ask about Frank. He's out running an errand. Regina walks by, covered in chains. What the hell? She walks up to the rail and jumps overboard. Jebus! The crew doesn't react. Sayid and Dez start barking orders, asking for rope, looking for a way to save her. Someone appears and tells everyone back to their posts. Then he introduces himself as Captain Gault. He tells them he didn't want to lose any more crew members trying to save Regina, so he just let her sink. Some of the crew has cabin fever, he thinks because of their proximity to the island. Sayid asks who they're working for. Charles Widmore. Dez is stunned. In his room, Gault shows them a flight data recorder. "This black box comes from Oceanic Flight 815. A salvage vessel recovered it from the bottom of the ocean. It took a considerable amount of Mr. Widmore's resources to procure it. It was found with the wreckage of the plane, along with all 324 dead passengers. That's not the complete story, as you are well aware, Mr. Jarrah, given the fact that you're standing here, breathing. The wreckage was obviously staged. Now can you imagine what kind of resources and manpower go into pulling off a feat of that magnitude? Faking the recovery of a plane crash? Putting 324 families through a grieving process based on a lie? But what's even more disturbing, where exactly does one come across 324 dead bodies? And that, Mr. Jarrah, Mr. Hume, is just one of the many reasons we want Benjamin Linus." At the hospital Sun asks for Jin. The baby is crowning. Push, says the doctor. "Congratulations. You have a baby daughter." On the freighter the doc takes Dez and Sayid to their new quarters. The room is bug-ridden, and there is blood stain on the wall. Looks like someone blew their brains out. The doc complains that was supposed to be cleaned up. He turns and calls one of the deckhands over. The man slinks out of the shadows. It's Michael! What the hell? (And yeah, that would have been more surprising if his name hadn't been in the opening credits all season.) Doc introduces him as Kevin Johnson. I guess he's Benjamin's spy. On the beach Jin comes into Sun's tent with dinner. She says she thought he left her. She offers to explain. No, he says, it wouldn't matter if she did. He was a different person before they came here, he was a ginormous douche, so whatever she did, she did to that guy, not him. He forgives her and says she'll never lose him. He says he'll still go to Locke's with her. No, she says, she thinks she'd rather wait for the helicopter. At the hospital, Jin finally arrives with the panda. He enters the room and says "Mr. Ambassador. This panda is a symbol of Mr. Paik's eagerness to do business in the great country of China. Please accept his congratulations." It's not Sun's baby he's visiting. In fact, this isn't the future, it's the past. Damn you, Lost! Tricksters. Cut to Sun's apartment. She is getting dressed. There is a knock on the door. It's Hurley. He's in a suit. What? He says the baby looks just like Jin, then says "I guess we should, like, go see him." Cut to the cemetery. Sun and Hurley approach Jin's grave. Sun cries and says "The doctor said I was calling out for you. I wish you could've been there. She's beautiful. I named her just like you wanted: Ji Yeon. I miss you so much. I miss you so much."

THE OTHER WOMAN

Or, Dharma Place

[Originally Aired March 6, 2008]

Juliet meets with Harper, her shrink. Juliet says she doesn't need therapy. She also says she doesn't like being a celebrity. Oh, is this the future? Is she one of the Oceanic Six. Well, no, she couldn't be. She wasn't on the plane. There is a knock on the door, and Tom enters. Oh, I guess this is the past, since he's dead now. She's new to the island. I see. Fucking Lost, and its god-damned flashbacks and forwards and sidewayses. Tom says Ben would like to see Juliet. Tom takes Juliet across the compound. Ben hands her flowers and presents her with her fancy new bungalow. Ben says he wants her to feel at home. Cut to the beach and Juliet is trying to fix her tent. Sun helps and Juliet asks where Charlotte and Faraday are. Jin says they went into the jungle. Juliet asks why he didn't tell anyone. Because no one told him they might be secret douchebags. Though, truthfully, I think the secret is out on Charlotte. Jack and Juliet head out into the jungle to try to track them. It rains. Harper suddenly appears and says "Hello, Juliet, long time no see." Oh, that can't be good. Harper says Ben sent her to tell them that Faraday and Charlotte are heading to the Tempest to release the gas and kill everyone on the island. Ben says she must stop them. Juliet asks how the hell she is supposed to do that. Shoot them, Harper suggests. Jack asks the woman who she is. "I'm an old friend of Juliet's." Then there is whispering in the brush around them and Harper disappears. Cut to Juliet crying softly in one of the barracks' labs. Goodwin sneaks in and the two have an awkward moment. He has an electrical burn on his arm. She patches him up and tells him she is upset about the pregnant woman who died this morning. He suggests talking to Harper. Juliet calls her a hag and Goodwin says she's his wife. Oops! He says it's cool and won't tell her, and she says she won't tell anyone he lied about having a chemical burn on his arm. Cut to Juliet and Jack hunting Faraday and Charlotte through the jungle. Juliet says they're heading to the Tempest, the island's electrical generating station. Jack asks why they'd head there. Juliet refuses to tell him. Meanwhile Faraday and Charlotte stop for water and Kate stumbles out of the jungle. They ask about Miles and Kate asks what they're doing in the middle of nowhere. Looking for spare batteries that were thrown out of the chopper, they lie. Kate looks in their bag and sees gas masks. What the fuck, she asks. Charlotte pistol-whips her. Damn. That woman has a chip on her shoulder, doesn't she? Meanwhile, Jack asks about Harper. Juliet says she was her therapist, which surprises him. "It's very stressful being an Other, Jack." Then she tells him she doesn't want to talk about it. Flashback and Juliet and Ben stare into microscopes and talk all sciencey and Goodwin interrupts with an egg salad sandwich. Ben is not amused. Cut to Juliet meeting with Harper and she asks Juliet what she thinks of Ben. What is this? Dharma Junior High? Sheesh. Then Harper asks when Juliet started boning her husband. Oh, I see, this is Dharma Falcon Crest. Then Harper says she doesn't want Ben to get hurt. Christ. Meanwhile Claire asks Locke to talk to Miles. She thinks her Good Cop routine might be a refreshing change from his Fascist Doucheface One Man Show. He tells her to get lost. Locke feeds Ben and Ben fucks with his head, as per usual. Ben says if Locke lets him go, he'll tell them everything they need to know about the boat. Flashback and Juliet and Goodwin have lunch on a secluded beach. Juliet doesn't want Ben to find out about their relationship. Goodwin tells her there is a mountain of poison gas a few yards away. Ben obviously trusts him or he wouldn't let him work with the deadly chemicals, right? Cut to Oceanic 815 crumbling over the island. Ben sends Goodwin off to infiltrate the survivors. Yeah, he trusts you, Goodwin. Cut to the present and Jack and Juliet find Kate lying on the ground. Jack helps her and Juliet runs off to get her some water. Kate tells him they had gas masks and Jack asks Juliet about it but she is nowhere to be seen. Back at the barracks, Ben shows Locke a video. It's grainy footage, taken covertly, maybe from a faraway balcony, of a man exiting a limousine. "This is Charles Widmore. This is the man whose boat is parked offshore. This is the man that's been trying to find the island." What the fuck? I guess that explains why he was buying the Black Rock journal. A man in a blindfold is dragged from the limo. Widmore beats the shit out of him. Then he looks up and points to the camera. Then static. "Three months ago in Gainesville, Florida, the Virgin Mary seemed to appear in a patch of mold on the side of an old housing complex. When the word got out, over 5,000 people came to see her face for themselves. You've survived an airline crash on this island. One minute, you're in a wheelchair. The next minute, you're doing jumping jacks. If 5,000 people came out to see a piece of mold, how many people do you think would come here to see you? Charles Widmore wants to exploit this island, and he'll do everything in his power to possess it." Ben hands Locke a folder and tells him everything he knows about Widmore is in it. Locke asks who his spy on the boat is. Meanwhile, Jack asks Kate what happened at Locke's. She says she stayed behind to find out if the people on the freighter knew she was wanted. They do. Meanwhile (again), Juliet approaches the Tempest. She puts down her bag, draws her gun, and slips quietly inside. Flashback and Juliet visits Ben. He pulls dinner out of the oven and she looks around and mentions how she thought this was a dinner party, but it turned out to be just the two of them. Real smoooooth, Benji. Suddenly, a whole new layer of creepy has just been added to Ben's personality. At dinner they talk about Zach and Emma (the kids abducted from the tail section of 815) and Juliet ponders the necessity of kidnapping children. "They're on the list." Oh, okay then. She asks about Goodwin and Ben tells her he's still undercover and not to worry. I'd worry if I were her. In the Tempest Julie sees Faraday in biosuit, working on a computer. An automated voice blurts out warnings. She yanks off his mask and asks him what he is doing. Faraday tells her he is trying to render the poison gas inert. She doesn't believe him. Then Charlotte punches her and there is a big fight. Faraday continues to work and Juliet eventually gets the better of Charlotte. She puts up her hands and says "Juliet, look me in the eye and tell me you are certain that Benjamin Linus wouldn't use this gas to kill everyone on this island. We know he's used it before. If you wanna stop us, you're gonna have to shoot us both." Faraday presses some buttons and the alarm shuts off and he says "That was a close one." Flashback and Ben tells Juliet she needs to come with him. He takes her to the jungle and shows her Goodwin's corpse. Juliet asks why she showed him Goodwin's corpse. "You mean instead of his wife?" he snarls. She asks him why he sent him undercover if he knew it was so dangerous. "After everything I did to get you here, after everything I've done to keep you here, how can you possibly not understand that you're mine?" Creepy! At the Tempest, Kate arrives and pulls her gun on Charlotte. Juliet tells her it's cool, they're on their side. WTF? She sure beat the fuck out of you for someone that's on your side. Wevs. Charlotte apologizes and offers to explain. Juliet tells Jack that these people have come here to fight Ben and when Ben wins Jack is not going to want to be anywhere near her. Jack says Ben can come find him if he wants. They hug. Back at the barracks, Hurley and Sawyer play horseshoes. Ben walks by and says "See you guys at dinner."

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Episode 14: Fever

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[Cross-posted.]

Review: Dexter Season Four Season Finale

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

THE CONSTANT

Or, Back to the Future

[Originally Aired February 28, 2008]

Frank pilots the copter away from the island. He has a note with a compass bearing written on it. Sayid asks about it, wondering if Frank knows where the boat is. He also wonders why they're flying straight into a storm. Frank tells him to shut up. Sayid asks Dez if that is Penny in his photo. Aye. Then there is turbulence and the chopper rattles and Frank tells everyone to hold on. Cut to Dez in a military barracks and the drill sergeant is screaming and Dez is slow to get out of his bunk so Sgt. Screamalot gets in his face and asks what his problem was. Dez seems a little confused and says he was having a dream. What about, he asks. "I was in a helicopter, sir. And there was a storm, sir. And I don't remember the rest, sir." The sarge sends them all out into the rain and makes them do push-ups because of Dez. Cut back to the copter and they're coming out of the storm and Dez looks at Sayid and asks "Who are you? How do you know my name?" Uh oh. Back on the beach Juliet and Jack grill Charlotte and Faraday about their missing friends. Charlotte doesn't seem to give a shit. Faraday is nicer and tries to explain things. "Your perception of how long your friends have been gone, it's not necessarily how long they've actually been gone." What the fuck does that mean? He adds that their friends will be fine so long as they followed the coordinates. If not? "Then there might be side effects." And what the fuck does that mean? On the chopper Dez is freaking out and Frank tells Sayid to calm him down so they don't crash. Frank lands the chopper on the boat. Two crewmen (Keamy and Omar) approach and want to know who the fuck Dez and Sayid are and then want to know why they were brought to the boat. Dez is still freaking out. Keamy says he's gonna take Dez to the sick bay and then suddenly he's back in Scotland in the Mounties or whatever bullshit excuse they have for an army up there. He gets his platoon sent on a run and later one of his comrades asks him what is going on. "This morning, when I was in the yard doing crunches, I left. I was on a boat. And then I was back here, right where I started." Dez wanders off to make a phone call and a soldier bumps into him knocking his change to the ground. Back on the boat, Dez scours the floor trying to pick up the coins. "What am I doing here? Who are you people?" he asks. Keamy introduces himself and Omar and they tell him he's going to be okay and they say they're pretty sure they're in the South Pacific somewhere, since their last stop was Fiji. They lock Dez up in the sick bay and tell him the doc will be in shortly. He looks across the room and Fisher Stevens is there and he is doing his best to become the next Tracey Walter, from the looks of things. He's strapped to a bed. Up on deck Sayid asks Frank what is going on with Dez. He doesn't know. So Sayid asks "Then perhaps you'll share how we took off at dusk and landed in the middle of the day." What the fuck? Frank tells Sayid to trust him, he's trying to help. Sayid asks to use the phone and Frank agrees if he'll hand over the gun. They swap and Sayid calls Jack. Jack puts him on speaker phone and Sayid tells them they're on the freighter but Dez isn't well now. "Side effects?" Faraday asks if Dez has recently been exposed to high levels of radiation or electromagnetism. Does the hatch meltdown count? Faraday explains "We don't know why, but going to and coming from the island, some people can get a little... confused." On the boat, the doctor arrives and it's the guy who plays Ecklie on CSI, and he's still got that same disinterested air about him. Like, hey, I'm here to help you, unless something better comes up. Fisher Steven tells the doc (Ray) he's not crazy and that everyone on the boat is going to get sick too, just like him and Dez so the doc shoots him full of sedatives. Ray asks Dez what's the last thing he remembers. And suddenly Dez is in a phone booth and he calls Penny and she's not happy to hear from him. "You broke up with me and then you joined the army. And now you call with the expectation that I still care about you?" He asks to come see her, and she says don't bother, she's moved and hangs up. Cut back to the boat and Ray asks "Did you just experience something, Desmond?" Then Frank and Sayid show up. Faraday wants to talk to Dez. There's a ruckus and Ray sounds the alarm and Dez gets on the phone with Faraday who asks what year he thinks it is. "It's 1996." Oh, that can't be good. He asks Dez where he thinks he is. Glasgow. "When it happens again, Desmond, I need you to get on a train. Get on a train and go to Oxford, Oxford University, Queens College Physics Department. I need you to find me." Then he tells does to tell Faraday From the Past "to set the device to 2.342 oscillating at eleven hertz." Okay. And if that doesn't work, tell him about Eloise. Then Keamy and Omar kick in the door and snatch the phone away from Dez. Flashback, I guess, and Dez is at Oxford and he sees Faraday. But Faraday has long hair and is wearing one those jackets with the patches on the elbows. I hate those jackets. Dez explains he's just been to the future and that Faraday told him to tell Faraday to help him but Faraday isn't buying it. Until Dez mentions Eloise. Faraday shows him his lab and introduces him to Eloise, a rat. If the numbers Dez gave Faraday are correct, then Eloise will become "unstuck in time." What the fuck does that mean? Faraday puts Eloise in a rat maze, punches the numbers Dez gave him into a machine, and zaps the rat with some sort of thing that looks like one of those lights at a dentist's office, but this one squirts out light the same color as when Dez blew up the hatch. Eloise goes rigid and Faraday explains who her consciousness has travelled in time. After a moment she seems to wake up and Faraday watches her run through the maze. She travels all the way through without making a single wrong turn. Faraday is thrilled. Dez isn't sure what the big deal is until Faraday tells him he isn't teaching her the maze until later in the day. Back on the boat Keamy and Omar lock Sayid and Dez up in the sick bay and take Frank to see the captain. Fisher Stevens interrupts and introduces himself as Minkowski and tells Dez how every once in a while they'd get messages on the boat that he wasn't allowed to answer. Messages from Penny. Dez wakes up back in Past Faraday's lab and sees that Eloise is dead. Faraday thinks she couldn't tell the difference between the past and future, she had no anchor, and her brain short-circuited. He tells Dez he needs to find his anchor, his constant, in the future, and if he can do that, he'll be okay. Back on the boat, Dez says he need to call Penny. Minkowski tells them that is impossible, "Two days ago, someone sabotaged all the equipment. We lost all communication with the mainland. I probably could have fixed it, but then I went nuts." Sayid thinks he could give it a shot, if they could get to the comm room. If they could get out of the room. Minkowski suggests the door. He points and they see someone has quietly unlocked the door. "Looks like you guys have a friend on this boat." Back in Scotland Dez visits an auction house. The auctioneer describes the item up currently for grabs. "The Black Rock set sail from Portsmith England on March 22, 1845 on a trading mission to the kingdom of Siam, when she was tragically lost at sea. The only known artifact of this journey is the journal of the ship's first mate, which was discovered among the artifacts of pirates on the Ile Sante-Marie off the coast of Madagascar seven years later. The contents of this journal have never been made public, or known to anyone outside the family of the seller, Tovard Hanso." What the hell? The item is sold to for £380K to Charles Widmore. What the hell? As Widmore leaves Dez approaches and asks if he'll tell him where Penny is. Sure, he says, that way she can tell him to go to hell herself. Back on the boat Minkowski leads them to the radio room. Dez asks how Mink got all fucked up. "We were anchored here. Waiting for our orders. Bored out of our minds. Me and Brandon, he's one of the crew members, we took out the ship's tender. We just wanted to see the island. But Brandon started acting crazy so we had to turn around. Now he's in a body bag." They find the radio room. It's trashed. Who did this? No one knows, but when the captain finds out, it won't be pretty, Mink assures them. Then he has a seizure and dies. Damn. Dez looks at a calendar on the wall and realizes it is almost Christmas 2004. Then Dez is at Penny's new house and he asks for her phone number. She's doesn't want to give it to him. He promises not to call for eight years, not until Christmas Eve 2004. It doesn't make any sense, he agrees, but he begs for the number. Penny gives it to him just so he'll leave. Back on the boat Sayid gets a phone rigged up to a battery. He says it won't last long. Dez calls the number and Penny picks up. Yay! Finally, something good happens. He says he's been on an island. She knows about the island, that she's been looking for him for three years. And after speaking to Charlie she knew he wasn't dead. She promises to find him. He promises not to give up hope. "I love you." Then the phone goes dead. Dez says "Thank you, Sayid. It was enough." Sayid asks if he's alright. "Perfect." Back on the island Faraday looks at his notebook. Written down are the words "If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant."

EGGTOWN

Or, Perjury

[Originally Aired February 21, 2008]

Locke has Ben caged up in his own basement. He serves his prisoner the last two eggs they have and hands him a copy of Valis by Philip K. Dick. Ben proceeds to fuck with Locke's head, which he is rather good at, so Locke takes back the eggs and flings them down the hall. Meanwhile Claire and Kate sit on their bungalow porch and sip coffee like they're in a General Foods International Coffee commercial. If I had to guess, I'd say Claire went for Swiss White Chocolate. Kate is more the Hazelnut Belgian Cafe type. Sawyer shows up and Claire runs off to get him a cup. Sawyer says he'll kick out Hurley so Kate can move in with him. She tells him no thanks, and he asks why she's stayed then and she is all, it's a secret and I don't trust your ass. He's all, whatever, this about you being pregnant, huh? Yes, now get lost, asshole. Maybe it's not like a General Foods International Coffee commercial afterall. Not even those annoying ones that starred Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that were all "contemporary." Flashforward to Kate's trial. "The people vs. Katherine Anne Austen, the honorable Arthur Galzethron presiding." Arthur Galzethron? Tell me that's an anagram. It is, but I have no idea what "harlot tzar rehung" means. Katherine Anne Austen, you are charged with fraud, arson, assault on a federal officer, assault with a deadly weapon, grand larceny, grand theft auto, and murder in the first degree. Ms. Austen, how do you plead? Not guilty. The DA asks that she be denied bail. The lawyer says she's one of the most famous people in the world right now, where is going to run off to? The judge locks her up until trial. Ouch. Cut back to the beach and Jin is looking at a map of the U.S. He points to Albuquerque and New York and other places, all of which Sun shoots down, saying she wants to raise her baby in Korea. "You mean our baby." Jack walks onto the beach and introduces his new friends. "This is Charlotte and Dan. Their helicopter already took Sayid and Desmond back to their freighter. They can make arrangements to get all of us off this island." Woo hoo! Maybe. At the barracks, Kate visits Locke and sees blood all over his hands. "I just killed a chicken." She asks to speak to Miles, he says no. "You may think this is a democracy, Kate, because of the way Jack ran things, but this is not a democracy." Told you he was a fascist. Kate walks away and sees Hurley carrying a plate of food. Kate tells him Locke said she should take the food to Miles. "Okay, we moved him to the boathouse," he says and immediately realizes he's been hustled. Kate brings Miles his food and asks him if he knows who she is. Miles won't tell her unless she lets him see Ben first. Flashforward to Kate and her lawyer. The DA has offered a deal, but Kate refuses it. Her lawyer suggests another tack. She refuses that too, saying "You are not using my son!" What the fuck? So she was pregnant! Who's the daddy? Sawyer? Jack? Someone else? At the beach Jack can't get anyone on the boat to pick up. Sun asks "You haven't heard from Sayid? You said they left yesterday." Jack assures her they're fine. But what if Locke was right, she asks. Locke is a dumbass, Jack says. "Then why is Kate with him?" Ouch. Kate and Claire hang up laundry. What, no washer and dryer? Even the hatch had a washer and dryer. Wevs. Aaron fusses and Kate is skittish about holding him. Claire comforts her, saying "The last thing I thought I'd be good at was being a mom. You know, you should try it sometime." Cut to the courtroom, and Kate's attorney calls his first witness: Jack. The DA objects. The judge overrules and says he's to be a character witness only. Jack takes the stand and is asked if he knew Kate was being taken back to L.A. to stand trial. He learned that eventually, he said. From Marshal Gunfingers? "No, the marshal died in the crash. I never spoke to him. Ms. Austen told me." Liar! (Though, I guess he really can't say "I killed him" right there in court, can he?) He says he never asked her if she was guilty, and assumed that the whole thing was some sort of mistake. Why? "Only eight of us survived the crash. We landed in the water. I was hurt, pretty badly. In fact, if it weren't for her, I would have never made it to the shore. She took care of me. She took care of all of us. She gave us first aid, water, found food, made shelter. She tried to save the other two, but..." What. The. Fuck. Jebus, that was... well... it was kind of disturbing. Kate stands up and tells him to stop and says she doesn't want him to say any more. The defense has no more questions. So the DA asks, "Doctor Shephard, do you love Ms. Austen?" "No. Not anymore." More lies! At the barracks, Sawyer and his roomie Hurley are chilling in their bungalow and Hurley asks "What do you wanna watch? Xanadu or Satan's Doom?" Neither, says Sawyer, he's reading. He's quite the bookworm, isn't he? Kate knocks and Sawyer invites her in. They head to the kitchen and he offers her some boxed Dharma wine. They make small talk and he tells her she's terrible at it. "You already said you didn't stay behind for me. So at least be woman enough to tell me you want to use me for something." So she asks him to help her get to Ben. Cut to Sawyer knocking on Locke's door and asking if he's up for some backgammon. Yeah, Sawyer, you're smooth. They play and Locke asks Sawyer if he thinks they did the right thing coming here. Sawyer says he feels safer here than if he was at the beach. Then he spills the beans to Locke about Kate trying to get to Ben to take him to see Miles. The two run off to the boathouse to intercept. They get there and find it empty. Meanwhile Kate and Miles sneak into Ben's basement. Miles asks Ben if he knows he is, who he works for. Yes, Ben does. "Then you know he's put a lot of time and energy into finding you. So now I've found you. And I can tell him exactly where you are. Or I can lie, and tell him you were already dead. I'd be willing to do that, for 3.2 million dollars." What? Jebus. "3.2? But why not 3.3 or 3.4?" Then Ben plays dumb which pisses Miles off. Two days, he gives him. Ben asks for more time. A week, then, but he wants it in cash. What about Charlotte? Miles says he'll "take care" of her. Time's up, says Kate. Now she wants some answers. "Your name is Katherine Anne Austen, and you're wanted for murder, fraud, arson, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember. You're a fugitive. You got caught in Australia and the feds were bringing you back. So yeah, we know. If I were you, I'd stay right here, on the island. Who knows, maybe you didn't survive the crash." They head back up the stairs but run into Sawyer and Locke. Uh oh. Locke tells Kate to go back to her house. Later, Locke walks into Claire and Kate's place without even knocking. I told you he was a fascist. Locke asks what Miles and Ben talked about. She tells him how Miles asked for $3.2M. Then Locke tells her to be gone by morning. Cut to the a meeting between Kate and her lawyer. He tells her her mother wants to see her. Mom comes in in a wheel chair and asks "Was it true, what he said? That you're a hero?" Kate doesn't answer. Mom says she doesn't want to testify, if only she could see Kate's son. Kate tells her to get bent. Back at the beach Faraday and Charlotte are doing some weird test with playing cards, seeing what Faraday can remember. Jack and Juliet approach and ask why no one will answer on the boat. Faraday tells them there is an emergency number on the boat, and Jack makes them call. Regina answers and asks why they're calling this number. Charlotte asks about the chopper. "I thought the helicopter was with you." Uh oh. At the boathouse, Miles is tied up again. Locke pulls the pin on a grenade and shoves it in his prisoner's mouth. "I realize that when I tied you up in here the other day, I made the mistake of failing to introduce myself. My name is John Locke, and I'm responsible for the well-being of this island. Eventually, Miles, you're going to tell me who you are, and you're going to tell me about the people on the boat, and your going to tell me why you're so interested in Ben. In the meantime, however, you're going to keep your mouth shut." Locke leaves. Jesus, not only is he a fascist, he's one of those cruel fascists. Meanwhile, Kate and Sawyer cuddle in bed. He wants to do it, but she's not in the mood. Is that because she may be pregnant, he asks? She's not, she assures him. He is relieved. "Would it have been the worst thing in the world?" she asks. Yes, he says, "What would we have done with a baby?" She starts getting dressed and tells him she's going back to the beach. "It's alright, freckles, I ain't gonna hold it against you. I'm just gonna sit right here in my comfy bed. Because in about a week, you'll find some reason to get pissed at Jack and bounce right back to me." She slaps him. Which he kind of deserved. Even though he was pretty much right. Still, that doesn't mean he should have said it. Back in the courtroom, the DA asks to approach the bench and tells the judge Kate's mom can't testify because of her health. Recess. Later, the DA offers a deal: Time served plus ten year's probation, and she can't leave the state. Kate takes it. Later, she walks out the back door of the courthouse. Jack is there. She says to him "You know, Jack, I've heard you say that story so many times, I'm starting to think you believe it." He meekly says he just stopped by to tell her he didn't mean it. Then he invites her out for coffee. She says she should come by her place. He begs off. "I know why you don't want to see the baby, Jack. But until you do, until you want to, there's no you and me going for coffee. But if at anytime you change your mind, come and see us." She jumps in a taxi and leaves. The taxi takes her home. It's nice place. Pretty big. The nanny tells Kate she just put the kid down for a nap. Kate heads up stairs and picks up the toddler. "Hi, mommy" he says. "Hi, Aaron."

What?!?!?