Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Nutriaeconomics or, A Conversation

Melissa and I were talking the other day about Warrant, those ridiculous hair farmers who sang the ridiculous hair farmer anthem "Cherry Pie." (And no, don't ask, it's a long story.) After discussing Jani Lane and Bret Michaels, the conversation continued on something like this:

Liss: Speaking of shitty bands, Iain ran into my girlfriend C at Walgreens the other day, and she told him to tell me that there's a ticket to the New Kids on the Block reunion tour with my name on it. But get this: It's EIGHTY-TWO FUCKING DOLLARS!

Deeky: What? Huh? Who says "Tell Melissa I got her a ticket for the New Kids on the Block reunion tour!" and expects that to be good news?

Liss: Well, we used to go to NKOTB concerts when we were like thirteen or whatever, so she thought it would be fun and nostalgic. Which it would have been...for, like, forty bucks. But eighty-two?! Who do they think they are — Menudo?!

Deeky: Seriously.

Liss: Whatevs.

Deeky: You should go. And blog about it.

Liss: (laughs) I'd have to do a fundraiser to pay for the ticket. "Help send me to the New Kids reunion tour!"

Deeky: (laughs)

Liss: Eighty-two dollars — harrumph. Dude, I could get like FIVE nutria skulls for that!

Deeky: (laughs harder)

Liss: Now that I've found out a nutria skull can be bought for only thirteen bucks**, I'm measuring everything in how many nutria skulls I could buy with it. It's like how the Brits weigh themselves in stones.

Deeky: And what the fuck is that all about? What is that, fourteen pounds? What kind of number is that?

Liss: "Jesus Christ, this breadmaker is fourteen nutria skulls! I saw one in K-mart last week that was only eight nutria skulls!"

Deeky: (laughs)

Liss: I wonder how many nutria skulls one ronpaulbuxxx can buy?

Deeky: Half.

Liss: Is this the dumbest conversation in the history of humankind, do you think?

Deeky: No. People discussing Ron Paul seriously are having stupider conversations.

Liss: Fair point.

** FYI, I am often scouring eBay for post-punk 45s, the occasional pickled fetus, rare collectibles (hookahs, Zuni fetish dolls, bronzed phalluses, what have you) with which to decorate Ch√Ęteau Deeky. My finds and discoveries are often shared with Liss.


Moore or Less

News from Hollywood:
'Slacker Uprising,' a feature-length film documenting [Michael] Moore's tour of swing states during the 2004 presidential election year, was made available for a free download instead of being released in movie theaters.

The maker of the award-winning anti-Iraq war blockbuster 'Fahrenheit 9/11,' said in a statement the gesture was "entirely as a gift to my fans."
In other words, no one wanted to distribute it. Doh!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

"Barack Obama is someone who will lead for [LGBT voters], who will fight for them, fight for us." Remember that quote from Steve Hildebrand, Obama's deputy campaign manager? That sounded nice, I guess. How about what Obama said in his acceptance speech last month: "I know there are differences on same-sex marriage, but surely we can agree that our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters deserve to visit the person they love in the hospital and to live lives free of discrimination."

That sounded... well... I don't know if I'd call it nice, as such, but it was something. Sure, when my husband was in the ICU, it would have been great to have been able to visit him without having to lie about who I was. And yeah, thanks for making it clear that I should be able to live my life "free of discrimination."

So what's up with the Barack Obama: Faith, Family, and Values Tour? Specifically, what is up with Douglas Kmiec stumping for Obama as part of this tour? Douglas Kmiec, the man who recently authored an op-ed piece for the San Francisco Chronicle in support of California's Proposition 8. Prop 8 is the initiative that will, if passed, ban same-sex marriage in the state. Or, as Kmiec puts it, "re-secures a millennia of tradition and common sense."

Ah, yes, once again it's "tradition," "common sense," and "fuck you, faggots."

So, how am I supposed to reconcile Obama's promise of lives free of discrimination, with his tapping of an anti-gay, anti-equality bigot as his messenger in the final days of the campaign?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

A Quick Question

I was just at the grocery store, wandering through the produce aisle. I wanted to buy some fruit. I looked at the oranges and thought, hey aren't these supposed to be… umm… you know, orange?

They were a sickly pale yellow color.

I'd like some decent citrus, please.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Kick In The Eye

For a while now I've been convinced Hurl was the worst show on television, but I've since managed to find something even more repugnant: Discovery Channel's Destroyed in Seconds. Each episode is 30 minutes of planes crashing, factories exploding, boats sinking, burning houses, collapsing buildings, auto wrecks, flames, wracked metal, carnage, destruction and death. All presented as entertainment. Check out the promo:

Or this little bit from the show's website:
From well-orchestrated implosions of massive structures, to rampaging tornadoes, catastrophic mid-air collisions and sudden terrorist attacks, no topic is too trivial or taboo for our show.
Yeah, hey, fuck you, Discovery Channel. Why don't you go ahead and just change your name to The Explosion Channel. Between this show, MythBusters' devolution from fun, quirky show to The Hey-Let's-Blow-This-Shit-Up Hour, and it's progeny, the dreadful, dreadful Smash Lab (AKA MythBusters Without The Charisma), Discovery Channel has become the number one network for exploding crap.

When they're not showing Bear Grylls drinking his own piss.

Discovery Channel's website offers up this pathetic bit of linguistic hopscotch as rationalization:
Destroyed in Seconds is not meant to just shock and entertain, but to explore the causes of mass destruction and how, when possible, families and communities bounce back from devastation.
The show isn't just meant to shock and entertain, no, not solely, just like 95% of the time. When possible they talk, as an aside, about the survivors. You know, on those rare occasions a plane bursting into flames or a rescue chopper slamming a hospital leave survivors.

I watched an episode of the show and it left me queasy. Literally. How this collection of human suffering is packaged as entertainment is beyond me.


Monday, September 15, 2008

Sarah Palin Strip Off

I have a headache, and am in no mood for this shit. Here's a quick recap: Sarah Palin Strip Off. Shotgun Willies. Just a joke. "I'm into that hot secretary look."

Fuck you, Doorman "I'm probably going to go Libertarian and screw up the whole thing" Matt, and fuck you, Shotgun Willies.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Random Thought


Defying all rational explanation, and spitting in the face of common sense, there is in the pantheon of cinema a woeful lack of films about evil ventriloquist dummies.


Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Your 4:20 Ron Paul Update

Tune in tomorrow, Shakers, Ron Paul is planning a Major Press Conference™ in Washington. According to the WSJ:

With a range of third-party candidates at his side – including the Libertarian Party's Bob Barr, independent candidate Ralph Nader, the Constitution Party's Chuck Baldwin and the Green Party's Cynthia McKinney – it's unlikely that Paul will pick just one to support. But his spokesman said to expect "something of an endorsement," with "a real effect on this fall’s election."
What's he gonna say? Who cares. I just want to know what Cynthia McKinney will be doing there. I was kind of under the impression she had higher standards. Strange bedfellows and all that, I guess.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

On Palin's Hair

Yes, Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin has a lot on her plate: a pregnant teen daughter, a son on his way to Iraq, an infant with Down syndrome and a looming national election.

But must her hair suffer? With her long, straight, often pinned-up locks, Palin looks one humid day away from fronting a Kiss cover band.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
"It's about 20 years out of date," said Boston stylist Mario Russo of the Alaska governor's 'do. "Which goes to show how off she might be on current events."
Nice. Her shabby looks are an obvious reflection of her limited intellect. WTF? Seriously, do we really need to do this?
We know the former Miss Alaska runner-up’s stance on on stem cells and teaching creationism in schools, but what's her position on scrunchies vs. banana clips?
Yes, what is her position on scrunchies? There's a question for the ages. I'm sure the Pulitzer committee is already eyeing this piece.

Someone wake me when the election is over.

Back To The Future

Remember raves? You know, a bunch of sweaty kids sucking on glow sticks and jerking spasmodically to the latest Fatboy Slim twelve inch? (It's a testament to E that there was a drug powerful enough to make this tolerable.) But raves are no longer fashionable, and yet the Chemical Brothers continue to release albums.

What about flash mobs? Remember those? That was something born out of the early days of text messaging when some dumbass got it into his or her head that they could con a thousand people to show up at Quizno's or Glamour Shots or the Monterey Bay Aquarium all at once just by using a cell phone. It was pretty damn stupid, in retrospect, but so was techno music and rave culture. Live and learn.

Not that this stopped a group of English teens (who've apparently laid their knives down just long enough to shake their pasty white groove thangs) from descending en masse to a local Ikea for an impromptu rave near the woodchip endtables. And why? Because they're idiots, obviously. Oh, and the site used to house a discotheque.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008


Brave Hillary Swank is reportedly putting on weight, and lots of it, for an upcoming role.

"She'll gain 20 to 30 pounds," we're told by a source close to the production. "It's no sweat. She's played a man before. She can handle anything."
What a trooper.

Hey, she butched up and played a dude, so she can do something as harrowing as putting on a few pounds. How courageous of her, to play someone not rail thin. That takes guts, no pun intended. Or not. Wevs.

Seriously, I am sick of hearing how brave and heroic it is for someone to step outside Hollywood's notion of beauty. It's such bullshit. Besides, we all know what true heroism is.


Public Service Announcement

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Don LaFontaine RIP

You probably don't know his name, but you know his voice.