Thursday, October 29, 2009

Halloween Costumes

I've been on the search for a new costume for this year's Halloween festivities, because A) I enjoy dressing up, and 2) my gorilla outfit is getting old. I've had no real luck.

My co-workers have been trying to get me to purchase a Captain America costume so I can participate in their little superhero theme, but until fags can legally get married everywhere in this country, this fag is not dressing up as Captain America. It's a matter of principle. Plus, I just don't like superheroes. Or my co-workers.

I did find this awesome thing, and would have bought it if I could have somehow rationalized spending the seventy bucks it would have set me back:

Maybe next year.


GWM Seeks Same

Recently spotted in the personal ads:

Tired of all the circuit boys and flakes? Fit, attractive 20-something looking for distinguished gentleman for late-night walks, romantic movies and conversation. I'm into travel and fine dining and designer clothes. Looking for friendship and possible LTR. Versatile.

Earring Magic Ken (AKA Cockring Ken), circa 1993, was the gayest Ken ever created. Until Sugar Daddy Ken hit the scene. And yes, this photo was taken at my desk at work.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip




Or, That Darn Cat

[Originally Aired March 7, 2007]

Hurley and Jin find a ping pong table and drag it to the beach. Sawyer asks where the hell they got it, and Hurley tells him it must have flown out of the hatch when it exploded. Sawyer thought the hatch imploded. So did I. Wevs. Don't ask questions like that, Hurley suggests. Anyway, they've no ping pong balls, so they're out of luck. Sawyer asks Paulo why he took his magazine. Paulo offers to give it back but Sawyer realizes the dude was taking a crap with it and he tells him to keep it. And I ask again why Paulo and Nikki were added to the cast. In the jungle Sayid and Locke bicker about the magical directions on Eko's murderstick. Locke hears something, and he peers through the bush to see the man with the eyepatch from five or six episodes back. I guess the magic murderstick was right. He has a dwelling, a barn-ish looking building, and is wearing a Dharma jumpsuit. There is a giant satellite dish on the roof. Back on the beach Sawyer coughs up a ping pong ball. He challenges the other survivors to a game. If he wins he gets all his stuff back. If he loses, Sun tells him he can't use any nicknames for one week. Damn. That's one hell of a wager. Locke and Sayid spy on Mr. Eyepatch and Sayid puts down his rifle and decides to go in and talk to the guy. Rousseau says, fuck this, I'll be out in the car and leaves. Flashback and Sayid is working as a chef in Paris and one of the restaurant's customers, Sami, tells him he is a great cook and offers him a job at his restaurant. In the jungle Sayid approaches the building and sees a horse and a cat. Then Patchy shoots him. Ouch. It's just in the arm, so it's okay. He yells he didn't cross the line, so why are they fucking with him. Sayid says he's not who he thinks he is, that he is a survivor of a plane crash. Patchy approaches and Locke springs out and makes him drop his weapon. Patchy introduces himself: "My name is Mikhail Bakunin and I am the last remaining member of the Dharma Initiative." Mikhail and Kate help Sayid inside while Locke fucks around being unhelpful. Mikhail tells them he was in Afghanistan and after the Cold War he responded to an ad about saving the world. Eleven years ago the Dharma initiative sent him to this station, The Flame. It's a communications station. Meanwhile, Locke finds a computer and it asks him "Shall we play a game?" Locke answers yes and I am pretty sure the whole world will be nuked any moment now. Sayid asks Mikhail what happened to the other Dharmas. "They’re all dead, of course. They foolishly initiated a war against The Hostiles, the purge they called it." Oh, okay. Does he mean the Others? Well, that wouldn't make much sense, would it? Mikhail continues on, telling them that the Hostiles told him to stay on his side of the valley and they'd leave him alone. In flashback, Sayid strolls into Sami's restaurant. Sami introduces his wife, Amira, to Sayid. As they shake hands, Sayid notices her arms are scarred from being burned. Is this him, Sami asks. Yes. Suddenly Sami and his friends jump on Sayid and beat the shit out of him. Back at his place, Mikhail talks to the cat, and calls her Nadia. This freaks Sayid out. Mikhail says the cat is named after Nadia Comaneci because they have the same birthday. Mikhail pulls the bullet from Sayid's arm and offers his guests some iced tea. He sees Locke playing chess on the computer and warns him he's wasting his time, the computer cheats. Locke replies "I’ve played a lot of computers and I'm pretty sure they don’t know how to cheat. That's what makes being human so distinctly wonderful." Kate and Sayid whisper saying Mikhail's story doesn't make much sense. Sayid believes Mikhail is an Other. And that he's not alone. On the beach Sawyer and Hurley face off on the ping pong table. Hurley serves, Sawyer returns. Hurley slams the ball and Sawyer misses it. Uh oh, it's gonna be a slaughter. Mikhail and Sayid chat about the Flame. It's a hub. All the other stations are attached to it. So is the submarine homing beacon. Then Mikhail asks them why they're all bullshitting since they all know what's up. Then a big ass brawl breaks out between Sayid and Mikhail and Kate. Until Kate gets her rifle and Locke gets some rope. Flashback to Sayid chained up in a basement or somewhere. Sami asks "You were a torturer, were you not, in the Republican Guard? Do you not recognize one of your victims? Do you not recognize the woman you tortured? Do you not recognize my wife?" Sayid responds "I was in the Republican Guard and, yes, I was an interrogator. But I have never seen your wife. Maybe she saw me at the same facility, but I do not know her. I can remember every face of every person I interrogated. What do you want from me?" Sami says "I want you to admit what you did. And if you don’t, you will leave this room in a bag." At Mikhail's, Kate asks who he knew he wasn't alone. The horse was saddled for someone much shorter. Locke says whoever is hiding is good, because he's looked everywhere. Not everywhere, says Sayid as he pulls back the rug, revealing a trap door. In flashback, Sayid takes another beating, refusing to admit he tortured Amira. Sami is about to pound Sayid further until Amira stops him. Locke absent-mindedly plays computer chess (he's proving quite helpful, ain't he?) as Sayid and Kate explore the basement. Sayid notes that the place is wired with C-4. Uh oh, that can't be good. Meanwhile Locke beats the computer and suddenly Dr. Candle appears on screen. He offers options on what to do in certain situations. "Has there been an incursion of this station by The Hostiles? If so, enter 77." Locke is about to key that in when suddenly Mikhail puts a knife to his throat. Downstairs Ms. Klugh pounces on Kate but Kate kicks her ass and drags her upstairs. Now there's a standoff. Mikhail offers to trade Locke for Klugh. Locke says it's bullshit, if Mikhail was going to kill him, he'd have done it already. Klugh yells at Mikhail in Russian, there is confusion. Then Mikhail shoves Locke away and shoots Klugh. Damn. That was fucked up. Mikhail tells Sayid to shoot him. At the beach, Hurley apologizes to Sawyer for beating him at ping pong, and gives him some porno mags. Then he tells Sawyer Kate will be okay, because she's with Sayid and Locke. Sawyer tells him "Get bent, Hugo." At the Flame, Locke messes with the computer again and enters 77. Sayid asks if everything Mikhail told him was a lie. Only the part about being Dharma. Everything else was true. Sayid whips out a map of the island. It shows all the stations and their electrical connections. Rousseau returns and tells Sayid to kill Mikhail. In flashback, Amira visits Sayid and tells him how she used to be afraid to leave her apartment. Until she saw some kids torturing a cat in the ally. So she rescued it, and that gave her a reason to go out. The cat bites her on occasion, because sometimes it forgets that it is safe. But she understands. And she asks Sayid to admit what he did. Sayid cries, "I remember you. I remember your face. Your face has haunted me ever since I left Iraq. I am sorry. I am so sorry for what I did to you. I am sorry." She forgives him and agrees to let him go, proving herself better than her captors. Back in the jungle, Locke tells Sayid he was playing computer chess. Then Mikhail's house explodes. Oops. Sayid freaks out "That place was our one hope of communication with the outside world!" Locke shrugs, saying he just entered 77 on the computer. The cat watches as they head into the jungle.

Radio Shakesville

New Podcast: Werewolves On Wheels.

Link. iTunes. List. Pop-up.


Friday, October 23, 2009

Mad Monster Party

A Mad Monster Party? trailer. Enjoy!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Quote of the Day

"With Avatar, I thought, Forget all these chick flicks and do a classic guys' adventure movie, something in the Edgar Rice Burroughs mold, like John Carter of Mars — a soldier goes to Mars."James Cameron, who apparently thinks Hollywood makes entirely too many movies for and about women.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Your Daily Dose of Stupid Conservapedia

I recently stumbled across a link to an article on Conservapedia (The Trustworthy Encyclopedia™) titled Obama is likely the first Muslim President, an idea to which any reasonable person would reply with "So what?" But this is presented as a Very Bad Thing, I guess since only Christians and Catholics are allowed to be President now, as is clearly written in the Conservatution™.

Among the Trustworthy Facts™ proving Barack Hussein Obama II aka Barry Soetoro's Muslimosity:

  • Obama's middle name (Hussein) references Husayn, who was the grandson of Muhammad, which most Christians would not retain.

  • He has said that "Islam can be compatible with the modern world."

  • Obama stated that the autobiography of Malcolm X, a Nation of Islam leader who became a Muslim, inspired him in his youth.

  • In the book Obama,"Renegade" his friends say that "he actually really wasn't much of a churchgoer."

  • On the campaign trail, Obama was reading "The Post-American World" by Fareed Zakaria, which is written from a Muslim point-of-view.

  • Contrary to Christianity, the Islamic doctrine of taqiyya encourages adherents to deny they are Muslim if it advances the cause of Islam.

  • Obama uses the Muslim Pakistani pronunciation for "Pakistan" rather than the common American one.

  • Obama is mentioned as helping to organize the 1995 million man march led by black Muslim leader Louis Farrakhan from the Nation of Islam.

  • Obama has chosen the Secret Service code name "Renegade". "Renegade" conventionally describes someone who goes against normal conventions of behavior, but its first usage was to describe someone who has turned from their religion. It is a word derived from the Spanish renegado, meaning "Christian turned Muslim."

  • Obama enjoyed a bigger increase in voter support in 2008 (compared to 2004) by Muslims than by any other voting group, including blacks; "Muslim turnout in the U.S. elections reached 95 percent, the highest Muslim turnout in U.S. history."

  • Obama used his Muslim middle name when sworn in as President.

  • At the G20 summit in April 2009, Obama bowed deeply to Saudi King Abdullah, a Muslim who is also the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques.

    There are a handful more, including "Obama's background, education, and outlook are Muslim" (whatever that means) and this quote "The United States has been enriched by Muslim Americans. Many other Americans have Muslims in their families or have lived in a Muslim-majority country - I know, because I am one of them." Which proves that Obama is one of those Americans... who has Muslims in his family. So there.

    As best I can tell, Obama's deep and abiding Muslimosity is proven by his lack of outward hostility toward Muslims. That and he's read Fareed Zakaria and Malcolm X. Though by that definition, I'm Muslim too. (Oh, and psssst, Conservapedia, just FYI, Islam and the Nation of Islam: not the same thing.)

    The site never quite details why the issue of Obama's religious affiliation is bad or important or even relevant. But maybe that is supposed to be a given. He's not white, that much we know, so maybe it's best just to keep an eye on him.

    I swear I could get lost in Conservapedia (The Trustworthy Encyclopedia™) all day. It's hilarious and mind-boggling and surreal all at the same time. As an example, Conservapedia is citing Pravda to prove Obama is Muslim. Pravda! Jebus, I guess the Cold War really is over.
  • Tuesday, October 20, 2009

    Quote Unquote

    Today's email exchange between Liss and me (thanks, asshole grammar police):

    Deeky: On balloon boy's father:
    Heene believes the world is going to end in 2012. Because of that, he wanted to make money quickly, become rich enough to build a bunker or something underground, where he can be safe from the sun exploding.
    Liss: Because if the sun explodes, that's definitely a survivable event. As long as you've got a "bunker or something."

    Deeky: LOL!!!! Exactly! Reminds me of the commercial for 2012 I saw last night that featured this brilliant tag-line "Mankind's earliest civilization warned us this day would come... If only we'd listened." And done what exactly? It's not like you can stop the Apocalypse with the proper planning.


    Monday, October 19, 2009


    Or, Meeting the Curse Head On

    [Originally Aired February 28, 2007]

    Hurley's dad is Cheech Marin. Who knew? Anyway, flashback to Hugo being a little kid and he's trying to work on an old beat up Camaro and dad comes out of the house and gives him a candy bar. They jump behind the wheel and try to start the car. Hugo says it's dumb, that the car won't start without a carburetor. Dad tells him hope is never stupid. Regardless, the car doesn't start. Then dad tells him he is going to Vegas for a job, and rides away on his motorcycle. Hugo looks forlorn. On the island Hurley visits Libby's grave and laments her passing, telling her how much he misses her and how scared he is. Later he tries to talk to Charlie about being cursed but Charlie just wants him to tell him he'll be okay. Good old selfish Charlie. While they're chatting Vincent comes bounding out of the jungle with a desiccated arm in his jaw. What the hell? Hurley decides to follow Vincent but Charlie's all "fuck that monkey's paw bullshit, I'm staying here." Hurley follows Vincent, and the dog eventually drops the arms. Stuck in the corpse's fist is an old VW key. Vincent barks like he's Lassie and Hurley follows him further into the jungle and finds on VW van laying on on its side. What the hell? Flashback and Hurley is in front of Mr. Clucks with his old boss and he is being interviewed by Tricia Tanaka. She asks him about the lotteryand why he bought the restaurant and he starts tell her about the bad shit that has happened since winning the money. She yells cut and calls him a douche for pissing all over her puff piece. Her and the cameraman head inside to get some b-roll and outside Hurley and his ex-boss argue over their safety. "Do you hear something?" asks Hurley. Then a meteor slams into Mr. Clucks, destroying it. Back on the island Hurley looks inside the van. There is a corpse behind the wheel, his Dharma jumpsuit says "Roger." On the beach Nikki and Paulo inform the audience the survivors are out of granola bars. Way to prove useful Nikki and Paulo. I see soap opera work in both your futures. Sun asks Jin to pass her the Lucky Charms. In English. She tells him she's no longer going to speak Korean to him, she's going to immerse his ass in English like she's a Rosetta Stone CD-Rom. He's annoyed. And when Hurley arrives to asks for help fixing up the van, Jin is the only one who follows him into the jungle. Nearby, Kate and Sawyer bicker, as per usual, as they approach the beach. Kate wants Sawyer to apologize for being a douche about them doing it. Sawyer won't apologize. The two make it back to the beach and there are hugs all around. Except for one between Sawyer and Kate. In flashback Hurley arrives at his mansion and tells his mother "Mr. Clucks got hit by a meteor, or an asteroid. I don't know the difference but it's gone. It's the lottery money, the numbers, I'm cursed. And now Tricia Tanaka is dead, and her camera dude, and it's all my fault." Mom slaps him. He says the only way to break the curse is to go to Australia and mom tells him to shut up and that he's not cursed and she'll prove it. She calls out and Hurley's dad strolls in from the next room. Jin and Hurley open the back of the van and find a bunch of beer. Jin and Hurley communicate as best they can , and agree to pull Roger from the wreckage. His head falls off in the process. On the beach Charlie asks Desmond when he's going to die and Dez tries to explain it doesn't work that way, because apparently Charlie's never seen a single fucking movie about psychics in his entire life. Sawyer interrupts and asks what the fuck happened to his stuff. Dez apologizes for drinking his scotch. Charlie confesses the three of them drank his liquor and Sawyer demands to know who the third person was. He then stomps off into the jungle to find Hurley. Jin wants to tip the van up but before they can get going Sawyer arrives and asks what the hell they're doing. Hurley gives him a huge hug. "I'll be damned, you all found yourselves a hippy car," says Sawyer. Jin says "It's good to see you" in English and Sawyer is impressed. Hurley tells Sawyer he's going to help them and he asks why. "Because there's beer." On the beach, Kate, Sayid and Locke discuss the Jack situation. She tells them what a douche Michael is and relays what Karl said about the Others living on this island. Then she runs off saying she's going to go get help to rescue Jack. Locke and Sayid are all, what the fuck? In flashback Hurley and his parents sit around the dinner table. After dinner is served, Hugo fires his staff, throwing a huge wad of cash at them. Dad asks what is wrong and Hurley asks mom if she's not at all suspicious that dad just mysteriously showed back up after seventeen years right after he won the lottery. She says she called him because he'd been freaking out about the numbers. Plus she wanted to get laid. Hurley screams and covers his ears. Mom sends them to the garage. The old Camaro is there. (Daddy issues. Again.) Back in the jungle, the three get the van tipped back over. Sawyer crawls in back and finds a map. And Roger's head. He freaks out a bit. Hurley explains it's Roger Workman pointing to his shirt and Sawyer replies "It's Work Man, you blockhead. That's his job. He was a Dharma janitor." Hurley tries to start the engine but no luck. Jin tells him it can't be fixed and Sawyer opens the beer. It's skunky. Sawyer asks why he cares about getting the van started. Because people need hope, Hurley explains. "If it's hope you're looking for, you're on the wrong damn island. There sure as hell ain't no hope here." Back home dad wakes up Hurley and tells him he's going to help break the curse. Dad takes Hurley to a psychic. "I'm seeing numbers. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. There's darkness around these numbers. Great tragedy." She tells Hurley he is cursed and starts to exorcise him. He offers the psychic a thousand bucks to admit his father put her up to this. She scoffs. He offers ten thousand dollars and she admits it's all bullshit. At the van Sawyer teaches Jin English and Hurley prays. Sawyer asks what the hell is doing and throws him a beer, but it just rolls down the hill. Later Hurley approaches Charlie and tells him to stop moping and come with him on a possibly fatal errand. "Look, I don't know about you, but things have really sucked for me lately and I could use a victory. So let's get one, dude. Let's get this car started. Let's look death in the face and say, 'whatever, man.'" At home, Hurley packs his bags. He tells dad he wants him to leave. Dad admits he just came because of the money, but that he now thinks Hurley should give it all away. Just save enough to get the Camaro running so they can take a trip to the Grand Canyon. Back at the van Hugo returns with Charlie, who will be riding shotgun. Hurley and Charlie climb in the van and Jin and Sawyer give a shove and it sails away down the hill. The van gathers speed and heads dangerously toward some rocks. Hurley pops the clutch... and vrooom vroom! the van sputters to life. Woo hoo! Sawyer and Jin and Vincent all jump in and enjoy a ride with Hurley. Later, Jin and Charlie and Sawyer return to the beach, and everyone seems happy. Except Sawyer, who is now regretting not apologizing to Kate. He drinks his beer alone. Deep in the jungle Kate finds some netting and Locke and Sayid find her. She asks why they followed her, because if they gave a shit they would have looked for her when she was missing. They said they wanted to find her, but had no fucking clue where to look until Eko's murderstick fell on John's head. (And somehow now they suddenly have a clue?) There is gunfire as Rousseau shoots at them. They tell her it's cool they just need to talk to her. Kate asks her to help them find the Others' camp. Why should I do that, Rousseau asks. "The girl who helped me escape was about sixteen years old and her name was Alex. I'm pretty sure that she's your daughter."


    Following up on an earlier post, and updating the list of characters. I am sure A) I forgot someone, B) half these people will be dead within the next three weeks, or C) there will be four more new characters by season's end.


    Juliet: Scientist Other, on the island seemingly against her will. She's nice to Jack. Sometimes.

    Isabel: Grand Inquisitor of the Others' justice system. Or something.

    Alex: Ben's daughter. Maybe. Maybe Rousseau's daughter. Who knows? She seems to be in a bit of trouble with the Others.

    Karl: Alex's boyfriend. Exiled from the Others.


    Nikki and Paulo: These two are in the main cast list. Why? They've done fuck all so far and add nothing to the show. They better become useful real quick. You know, other than muttering out the occasional bit of expository dialogue.


    Ben Lucius (AKA Benry): Formerly Henry Gale, balloon boy, now revealed to be leader of the Others.

    Tom: Previously known as Cap'n. Beard was a fake. Kind of a 'mo.

    Now dead:

    Libby: Michael killed her and her interesting back story to save Walt.

    Ana Lucia: Killed by Michael too. See above.

    Mr. Eko: Killed by the smoke monster for generally being a douchebag in Nigeria. So much for redemption.

    (Note, that means all of the Tailies, aside from Bernard, are now dead or assimilated.)

    Also dead (Others):

    Danny: Killed by Juliet helping Sawyer and Kate escape.

    Colleen: Killed by Sun. Married to Danny. I hope they didn't have any kids.

    Still dead:

    Ethan: He lives on in flashbacks. Apparently being dead doesn't hurt your career as an actor on Lost. See Gunfingers.


    Michael: Killed and betrayed his friends to save Walt. Sailed away.

    Walt: See above.

    Dear Mr. President

    Zombie James K. Polk.

    Saturday, October 17, 2009

    RIP Kali

    Kali lost her battle with CRF today. She will be missed. RIP, stripey kitty.

    Wednesday, October 14, 2009

    The Unicorn Code

    The Unicorn Code:

    1. Unicorns never cheat.
    2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand.
    3. Unicorns don't talk to strangers.
    4. Unicorns respect the Earth.
    5. Unicorns are never late.
    6. Unicorns aren't conceited.
    7. Unicorns don't judge people.
    8. Unicorns always give 100%.
    9. Unicorns graze on peace and love.
    10. Unicorns don't do drugs.

    [Via. And cross-posted.]

    Dumber Than...

    In which I substitute an email conversation between Liss and I as an actual post.

    Liss: Aren't you glad to have these helpful celebrities on your side:

    Jared Leto Gets Fired Up Over Gay Marriage

    What's got Jared Leto starting fires these days?

    Gay marriage.

    The actor-musician is helping raise money for gay rights group FAIR by taking part in an online auction of celebrity-signed prints of artist Shepard Fairey's "Defend Equality Love Unites," a poster in support of gay marriage.

    But Leto did more than just doodle his autograph...

    After writing out the actual language of the Proposition 8 ballot initiative on the back of his Fairey print, he burned it and placed the ashes in a clear glass urn with the inscription, "Here lies within, the remains of Proposition 8, may it rest in peace." Then he signed, dated and topped it with a red ribbon.

    Among the autographed prints, E! talk-show queen Chelsea Handler wrote on hers, "To my gays. Thank you for being gay!"

    Kim Kardashian colored in the thumbnail of the fist featured in the work, while Twilight star Anna Kendrick signed, "Love is a right. Not a privilege."

    Scarlett Johansson quoted Andy Warhol with "They say that time changes everything, but you actually have to change them yourself."

    And Sarah Silverman never fails to amuse. The funnylady scribbled, "Peace, poop and penis."

    The online auction kicks off on Nov. 12 with an event at the Andaz West Hollywood hotel cohosted by gay entertainment business group HOMOtracker.

    [Jared Leto is straight, but celebs in our Covering Up As Gay photo gallery aren't.]
    Deeky: Jesus fucking Christ.

    Liss: It's like, I read shit like that, and all I can think is: "Yeah, I get why so many celebrities support Polanski. That industry's got an epidemic of stupid in the brains."

    Deeky: Dumber than a sack of buttplugs.**

    Liss: LOLOLOLOL!!!

    Deeky: Seriously, you should turn this exchange into a post.

    Liss: No, YOU should turn it into a post.

    Deeky: You're right. Everyone likes me better anyway.

    Liss: Asshole.

    (** This is the phrase I recently used to describe the intellectual capacity of my last boyfriend.)


    Kali, a wee bit squinty.

    Tuesday, October 13, 2009

    The Donut Hole

    The Donut Hole drive-through donut emporium. Yum! I love donuts.

    Monday, October 12, 2009


    Or, Tattoo You

    [Originally Aired February 21, 2007]

    Kate and Sawyer row away from Hydra island but halfway across Kate demands they turn around and rescue Jack. Sawyer says "Umm... fuck that, Jack told us to leave his ass." Karl says Ben will kill them all if they return. I guess he'd know, huh? He also throws out some biblical shit too, so maybe he's just gone all daffy. Nonetheless, they don't turn around. Meanwhile, Tom rousts Jack from his aquarium telling him it's time to move. Jack tells Tom not to bullshit him, if they're gonna kill him they should just say so. Tom asks what the hell kind of people he thinks they are. "The kind of people that would take a pregnant woman, that would hang Charlie from a tree, would drag our people out of the jungle, would kidnap children. That's the kind of people I think you are." Ouch. Tom is annoyed. So he accuses Jack of throwing rocks in his glass house. Whatever. I'm pretty sure the survivors have just been defending themselves. And totally not kidnapping children. Tom takes Jack from the aquarium and Juliet is put in his place. There is a new Other presiding over the transfer. She does not look happy. Flashback to a beach in Thailand and Jack is there and a boy sells him a soda pop. Jack tries to put together a kite but is kind of stupid about it. So Bai Ling approaches and helps him. And ever since The Crow II: Electric Boogaloo she's sort of given my the creeps. Not that it matters, Jack digs her. She introduces herself as Achara. The two go to dinner at her brother's restaurant. His name is Chet. His name is Chet. She asks him if he's in Phuket to find himself. Then she asks why he can't put together a kite. He starts to tell her about his father and she tells him she doesn't give two fucks about his father. Then a man approaches and hands her a giant envelope of cash. She explains she has a gift. What that is, is as yet unclear. It's Thailand, so I think the implication is it is something sexual. On Hydra, Jack is now in Sawyer's cage. Tom brings him a cheese sandwich and Jack complains about it not being grilled. He asks why Juliet is being put into his aquarium. "Because she's in trouble." On their boat, Sawyer and Kate argue. Kate wants to sail around to their beach, Sawyer contends it is will be too dark for that and heads toward shore. They continue to bicker until Karl tells them the should be glad to be alive. He also explains that the Others only work on the Hydra, on "projects," (Sawyer: "Sure, like the steal-the-kid-off-the-raft project. That was a humdinger.") and live here on the main island. Kate asks what they did with the kids. "Gave them a better life." He them stares up into the night sky and gets all wistful about how he and Alex would lie in their backyard and stare into the sky at the constellations. "You have backyards? Ain't that quaint." Juliet visits Jack in his cage, bringing him a grilled cheese sandwich. She shows him a photograph of Ben's stitches and asks if they're infected. They are. She asks Jack to come look him over. He refuses. Later he is visited by the new Other he saw earlier, and she introduces herself as Isabel. She asks him about his tattoo and says she finds the Chinese characters ironic. Jack is escorted to a room somewhere and Juliet and Tom are there and Isabel asks if it's true he told Tom that Juliet asked him to kill Ben. Jack says he was lying, that he made it all up to create chaos and help his friends. Isabel asks why he is lying. Jack asks to be taken back to his cage. In flashback, Achara visits Jack's bungalow at night, and he complains he doesn't know anything about her. She tells him to just go with it. They fuck. On the Hydra Jack wakes in his cage and is startled to see a bunch of Others staring at him. He yells at them and one of them approaches. Holy shit, it's Cindy! She approaches and says hello to Jack. He recognizes her as the stewardess from the flight, and says he thought she'd been abducted. "It's not that simple." He asks why she is here. "To watch." To watch what? Jebus, why are they always so secretive? I guess that's part of their culture. The two Tailie kids are there too, and one of them whispers into Cindy's ear. Cindy tells Jack the girl asked how Ana Lucia is. Jack gets pissed and tells them to get lost. Back on the other island Karl is missing. A quick search turns him up crying in the jungle. Sawyer has a mano a mano with him and tells him A) to stop crying, b) to Netflix the Brady Bunch and c) if he really loves Alex he should go find her. Karl says the Others will kill him if they find him. "It least it'll be worth it," says Sawyer. At the cages, Alex shows up smashes the camera with a rock. Alex asks him why he saved her father. Because Jack said he would. He asks her where Juliet is. Having her verdict read. She's killed someone and will likely be put to death. Eye for an eye. Jack asks if Ben is still in charge. He is. Jack tells Alex to break him out of the cage. In the operating room, someone is about to stick Ben with a needle but then Jack busts in and tells them not to do that. Jack tells them they need a better surgeon. Ben says they used to have a great surgeon. His name was Ethan. Oh, I guess that's supposed to be a major burn on Jack. Whatever. If he was the island's best and only surgeon, and you just found out you had a potentially fatal condition, why did you send your best and only surgeon into the jungle on some black ops kung fu mission full of kidnap and murder? Maybe Ben is not such a brilliant leader after all. Jack tells Ben his infection may have lead to nerve damage and that he may not walk again. Oops. So Jack makes a deal to save Juliet, and in return Jack will supervise his recovery thoroughly. "Juliet doesn't care about you, Jack." Anyway, Ben sends a note to the "courtroom," like he's Mom excusing Juliet from gym class or something. In flashback Jack secretly follows Achara through the red-light district. Oh, I guess Jack thinks her gift is shooting ping-pong balls out her coochie. He follows her inside and finds her workplace. No ping-pong balls. It's a tattoo parlor. This is her gift? Why all the secrets then? "I am not a tattoo artist. I am able to see who people are." He asks who she sees in him. "You are a leader, a great man. But this, this makes you lonely, and frightened, and angry." He demands she tattoo this on him. She tells him she can't. He demands again. There will be consequences, she says. "There always are," he says. On the Hydra, Alex and Jack interrupt Juliet's sentencing. Isabel reads the note, her sentence has been commuted. "Ben has, however, ordered her to be marked." Oh, that can't be good. In flashback, Jack strolls the beach and Chet and some of his pals approach. They look at his new tattoo and then beat the shit out of him. Then they tell him to get out of the country. They can do that? Damn! Achara watches, then turns away. Meanwhile, Jack is back in his cage. So much for his close supervision of Ben's recovery. Juliet brings him a grilled cheese sandwich and he asks to see her mark. She shows him the small of her back, she's been branded with some weird upside down cross thingy. Jack rubs aloe on her wound. She asks why he helped her. Because Ben promised to let her go. Because he promised to let Jack go too. And they're going to make sure he keeps his word. How are they going to do that, she asks? Together, Jack says. On the other island, Kate asks Sawyer what happened to Karl. "I let him go." Then he tells her to stop feeling guilty. She says she doesn't feel guilty for leaving Jack behind. That's not what he's talking about. Stop feeling guilty for boning me just because you thought they were gonna kill me, he says. I don't feel guilty, she replies. Okay then. Isabel visits Jack and remarks on his tattoo again. "He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us." He tells her that's what it says, but not what it means.

    Edward Scissorpony

    Saturday, October 10, 2009

    Tab Hunter and Roddy McDowall

    Tab Hunter offers Roddy McDowall his sausage.
    Roddy has something chocolatey for Tab.

    Friday, October 09, 2009

    Barack Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize

    Big news this morning:

    President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday in a stunning decision designed to encourage his initiatives to reduce nuclear arms, ease tensions with the Muslim world and stress diplomacy and cooperation rather than unilateralism.

    The Norwegian Nobel Committee [stated] that it was trying "to promote what [Obama] stands for and the positive processes that have started now." It lauded the change in global mood wrought by Obama's calls for peace and cooperation, and praised his pledges to reduce the world stock of nuclear arms, ease American conflicts with Muslim nations and strengthen the U.S. role in combating climate change.

    U.S. Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele contended that Obama won the prize as a result of his "star power" rather than meaningful accomplishments.

    Wednesday, October 07, 2009

    Tuesday, October 06, 2009


    Or, Dez Does The Timewarp Again

    [Originally Aired February 14, 2007]

    Charlie is ransacking Sawyer's tent, telling Hurley that's what Sawyer would want. Hurley isn't buying it. (Because he's not a douche, unlike Charlie.) Desmond shows up and asks them to come with him. He leads them into the jungle and to Locke. Locke tells them the island killed Eko and to remain calm so as to not panic the rest of the survivors. Charlie wants to know what the fuck "the island killed Eko" means, and Locke tells him not to be a douche, he knows what it means. While they're all there marvelling at Charlie's doucheyosity Desmond starts spacing out, like he's having some sort of E flashback, and everyone wonders what the fuck is up until he snaps out of it and runs off. They follow and see him jump into the ocean and swim toward Claire's lifeless body. He pulls her to shore and performs CPR on her. She sputters awake and Desmond carries her to her tent. As they walk away Charlie asks how Dez knew she was drowning. "I'll tell you how he knew: that guy sees the future, dude." Charlie doesn't believe that, so he plans to get Dez drunk and force him to spill the beans. "You do realize he's going to know your plan before you even come up with it, dude," says Hurley. I love Hurley, by the way. So, blah blah blah, Dez, Hurley and Charlie get drunk on 60 year old scotch (and jebus, how much is that bottle worth?) and then Charlie and Dez fight when Charlie demands to know what happened in the hatch. "You don't want to know! And I don't want to know!" screams Dez before he's sucked into his flashback. Dez is in the hatch, he says good-bye to Locke and heads to the failsafe. "I love you, Penny." He turns the key, and... flash, bang ...just like before. Dez wakes up covered in blood. The camera pulls back and reveals he's not in the jungle, but on his apartment floor. It's not blood, it's paint. He fell off a ladder painting the room. Penny helps him up. Dez is disoriented, unsure exactly where he is or what is going on, as if he's in a flashback that's not quite right. Later Dez is putting on a snazzy tie, he glances at the clock, 1:08, and he is unsettled again. Penny helps him with his tie and the two are pleased she has moved in with him. Penny tells him he doesn't really need to see her father about a job, but Dez says it's more than about getting a job, it's about earning her father's respect. The hatch's alarm goes off and Dez almost panics, until Penny turns off the microwave. She asks him if he's okay. "Déjà vu." At the office Dez introduces himself to the receptionist, just as someone delivers a package for 815. Déjà vu again. Dez meets with Penny's dad and, surprise surprise, he's kind of a douche. In his office is a model of a sail boat and the Old Man mentions the race he sponsors. Déjà vu. The Old Man offers him a job but Dez tells him he really didn't come here for a job, he came to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. The Old Man admires his nobility and grabs a bottle of sixty year old scotch and pours a glass of it. Blah blah blah the Old Man goes on about how the guy who made the scotch was a great man. "This swallow is worth more than you could make in a month." See? I knew that shit was expensive! "You're not worthy of drinking my whiskey. How could you ever be worthy of my daughter?" Ouch. Dez walks out of the building and Charlie is there playing "Wonderwall" and more déjà vu as Dez asks him how he knows him. You're Charlie, he says. Duh, Charlie points to the sign in his guitar case. Dez tells Charlie he was in the hatch, on the island, but Charlie just thinks he's a loon, even when Dez says this all happened before, right before it started to rain, right before it starts to rain. Later Dez meets his physicist pal Donovan and asks him if it is possible he's travelled back in time and is living his life over again. Donovan scoffs and asks him what happens next. Dez says the football team on the telly makes a big comeback and some bruiser comes through the door of the pub and smacks the barkeep with a cricket bat for owing him some money. But the football team doesn't make a comeback and the bruiser never shows up to beat on the man behind the bar. Dez heads home and tells Penny he didn't get the job. Oh well, no big deal, she says. The next day Dez visits and antiques shop in search of a wedding ring. The woman behind the counter shows him a beauty and he decides to buy it, much to her surprise. She demands it back, and Dez is confused. She tells him he has second thoughts and leaves without the ring. What is she on about? "You don't buy the ring, Desmond." He's still not getting the hang of this flashback thing. "How do you know my name?" "Well, I know your name as well as I know that you that don't ask Penny to marry you. In fact, you break her heart. Well, breaking her heart is, of course, what drives you in a few short years from now to enter that sailing race, to prove her father wrong, which brings you to the island where you spend the next three years of your life entering numbers into the computer until you are forced to turn that failsafe key. And if you don't do those things, Desmond David Hume, every single one of us is dead. So give me that sodding ring." He refuses. She takes him outside and points out a man in red shoes. Who's that, he asks. No one. The two argue over what is real and what isn't and suddenly a scaffolding collapses and the man in the red shoes is killed. Dez asks why she didn't tell him if she knew he was going to die. Because, he was meant to die. If she warned him about the scaffolding, then he would have been killed by a taxi, or he would have slipped in the shower. You can't escape your fate, it seems, no matter what. She tells him his fate is to push the button, that it is the only great thing he will ever do. Later Dez meets Penny, and the two get their picture taken together. Then Dez breaks up with Penny before tossing the ring into the Thames. He then visits the pub. On the telly, the football team makes a big comeback, and that goon walks in through the door with a cricket bat. Dez realizes he had the wrong night. He tells the barkeep to duck and accidentally gets hit in the head instead. Dez wakes. He's in the jungle. He looks at the crater from the hatch implosion. He cries and asks to go back so he can do it right this time. Cut to Charlie asking Dez how he knew Claire was drowning. "When I turned that key my life flashed before my eyes. And then I was back in the jungle and still on this bloody island. But those flashes didn't stop." That's how you knew to save her, asks Charlie. Dez confesses, "I wasn't saving Claire, I was saving you. You were supposed to be hit by lightning. You were supposed to drown. But I can't stop it forever. I'm sorry because no matter what I try to do you're going to die, Charlie."

    Friday, October 02, 2009

    Bon Voyage, Pussy!

    For Mistress Sparkletoes, who has never seen Batman.