Sunday, January 31, 2010


Or, Getting The Fuck Out Of Dodge

[Originally Aired May 6, 2009]

Faraday asks Alpert where Jughead is buried. He asks to see Ellie. Alpert says she's away. Then there's a gunshot. Faraday collapses. Ellie stands behind him with a rifle. A short distance away, Jack reacts with surprise to Faraday's death. Kate prevents him from heading into the camp. Then Widmore rides in on a horse and hits Jack on the head with the butt of his rifle. Widmore jumps down and kicks Jack in the face. Kate and Jack are dragged to the camp while Ellie looks at Faraday's notebook. Ellie tells Widmore to take them to her tent. Title card: Thirty Years Later. Locke walks into the Others' camp carrying a boar. "I brought dinner." Alpert asks where he's been. He says he'll explain on the way; they've an errand to run. Sun asks Ben who Alpert is. "His name is Richard Alpert. He's a kind of an adviser. And he has had that job for a very, very long time." Sun approaches Alpert and shows him the photo of the Dharma recruits from 1977 and asks if he remembers them. "I do. I remember these people. I remember meeting them very clearly, because I watched them all die." Later, Sun asks Locke if he thinks they're all dead. He says they came back for a reason. Locke asks Alpert for his compass and says it is time to go. He tells Ben to come along too. Ben asks if Locke is afraid he'll stage a coup if he leaves him with the Others. "I'm not afraid of anything you can do anymore, Ben." Locke promises Sun he'll try to find a way to save everyone. Back at Ellie's tent, jack gets kicked in the face again. Kate asks him about the plan to reset history. They'll never have met. They'll never have known each other. "All the misery that we've been , we'd just wipe it clean," Jack says. It was not all misery. "Enough of it was." Ellie comes in asks what the fuck is going on. Why did she just shoot a man she saw twenty years ago who said he was from the future and now said he was her son. Jack says Faraday's death was an accident, but they can fix it so it never happened. Ellie tells them the bombs is under the barracks. Meanwhile, Radzinsky beats on Sawyer asking where Kate went. Sawyer doesn't say shit. The blood is totally harshing Horace's buzz. Phil says he can get Sawyer to talk. He punches Juliet. "You're a dead man, Phil. I'm gonna kill you," says Sawyer. Elsewhere, Miles Hurley and Jin debate rescuing Juliet and Sawyer. Miles says it's impossible, they're outnumbered, outgunned. Chang approaches and asks if they're really from the future. Hurley says no until Chang asks him who the president is and Hurley doesn't know. "All right, dude, we're from the future. Sorry." Miles admits he is Chang's son. "Your friend, the physicist, he told me to evacuate everyone I could off the island. He said there was going to be a massive accident at the Swan. Now is that true?" Miles says Faraday is usually right, so yeah, get everyone off the island. Back in the present, Alpert asks where Locke has been for the last three years. Locke says he'll show him, then Alpert can take him to see Jacob. Alpert protests. Locke asks for the compass. Locke leads Ben and Alpert to Yemi's plane and tells Alpert that when a man comes stumbling out of the jungle with a bullet in his leg to give him the compass and patch up his wound. Be asks who the guy is. "Me." As they watch Alpert and Bleeding Locke through the bushes, Ben says Locke's timing is impeccable and and asks how he knew when to be here. "The island told me. Didn't it ever tell you things?" No, says Ben, getting snotty and reminds Locke he doesn't know where Jacob is. Locke is all whatever, you've never seen him either. Then Alpert returns and offers Locke the bullet he dug out of his leg. Back at the barracks, Chang finds Radzinsky beating on his prisoners and asks what the fuck is going on. He orders an evacuation, and to stop the drilling. Radzinsky tells him to get bent. Sawyer says if they evacuate the women and children and let him and Juliet leave, he'll tell them what they want to know. Ellie leads Kate and Alpert and Jack and one of her goons to the bomb. They travel through the jungle to a pool of water. They have to swim under into the tunnels. Kate is all fuck that, I'm going to find our friends. Ellie says no way and the random goon threatens to shoot her. Kate walks away and a shot rings out. Uh oh. Then the goon falls dead as Sayid appears from the jungle. Sayid asks Jack if he really plans to erase the last three years. Jack says yes, he is going ot change things. Sayid says he's already changed things by killing Baby Ben. No, Kate says, she saved Baby Ben's life. Sayid is all what the fuck did you do that for? "Since when did shooting kids and blowing up hydrogen bombs become okay?" She says fuck this, I am going back to the barracks. At the barracks, Miles watches as Chang yells at his mother and tells her to get on the sub and never com back. It's like Born Free or whatever that movie was. He's mean because he loves them and has to get them to leave. Then Miles sees Sawyer and Juliet being escorted to the sub. Jin and Hurley wonder what's going on. Sawyer tells Juliet they'll buy Microsoft when they get back and be rich. Then he tells her he's sorry he didn't get on that sub with her three years ago. "I'm glad you talked me out of it," she says. As Juliet and Sawyer climb onto the sub, Sawyer looks back and says "Good riddance" to the island. Jack, Alpert, Ellie and Sayid swim through the submerged tunnels and to the bomb's hiding place. ""if this works, you might just save us all," Sayid says. "And if it doesn't, at least you'll put us out of our misery." Back in the future, Locke introduces himself to the rest of the Others. "Hello, everyone. My name is John Locke. I've been told that for some time, you all have been accepting orders from a man named Jacob. And yet, oddly enough, it seems that no one has actually seen him. Now I'm sure there are very good reasons why his existence and whereabouts are secret. I just don't know what they are. And to be honest with all of you, if there's a man telling us what to do, I want to know who he is. Richard has agreed to show us where we need to go. So I'm going to go and see Jacob right now. And I'd like all of you to come with me." Locke heads off down the beach and the Others follow. Alpert tells Ben he thinks Locke is going to be trouble. "Why do you think I tried to kill him?" On the sub Juliet wonders what will happen once they get to Ann Arbor. Sawyer tells her Dharma aren't the cops, they ain't going to Ann Arbor. Wherever they dock, that's it, they're free. Sawyer tells her not to worry, he's got her back. I love you, she says. I love you back, he smiles. Then Kate is loaded onto the sub. Uh oh. On the beach, Ben tells Locke that Alpert is "concerned" about going to Jacob. Locke says he appreciates Ben telling him this. Ben asks why they need to see Jacob. "So I can kill him," Locke says.

What's the Point...

...of those little soda cans?

Saturday, January 30, 2010


Or, "Luke, I am your father."

From IMDB:

When Miles receives instructions from Dr. Chang to dispose of a dead Dharma worker's body, Miles and Hurley learn more about what the Dharma Initiative is constructing in a remote part of the jungle, and what Miles' connection is to Dr. Chang. More of Miles' background story is shown about his upbringing and ability to communicate with the dead. Meanwhile, Kate arouses Roger's suspicion to his son's disappearance, and Phil discovers that Sawyer/Phil was responsible for abducting Ben and delivering him to the Others/Hostiles.

Horace needs Sawyer to deliver a package to Radzinsky. But since Sawyer and Kate went to go give Ben to the Others, Horace is forced to turn to Miles for help. Sawyer and Kate return from the Others, and Roger begins to believe that Kate had something to do with Ben being taken. Phil confronts Sawyer after he discovers that it was him that kidnapped Ben.

And the title is a Star Wars reference.

Friday, January 29, 2010


Or, What Happened to Aaron and Ben

[Originally Aired April 1, 2009]

Kate visits Cassidy and tells her that Sawyer is still alive and on the island. She hands her a wad of cash and says Sawyer wanted his daughter to be cared for. While Kate revels in Sawyer's self-sacrifice, Cassidy calls him a coward, saying he was unable to face the real world, choosing instead to hide on the island. Back in 1977, Jin wakes up and finds Baby Ben bleeding but not dead. He takes him back to the barracks. Juliet tries to save Baby Ben but isn't having much luck. In one of the bungalows, Hurley and Miles discus Back to the Future and time travel. "We came back in time to the island and changed stuff. So if little Ben dies, he'll never grow up to be big Ben, who's the one who made us come back here in the first place. Which means we can't be here. And therefore, dude, we don't exist." Miles calls him an idiot and says Baby Ben can't die, because he didn't die originally. "This is really confusing." Kate asks Jack to help save Baby Ben, but Jack says no. "I've already done this once. I've already saved Benjamin Linus, and I did it for you, Kate. I don't need to do it again." Juliet gets Baby Ben stabilized, but can't get the bleeding stopped. She thinks the Other can save him though. She tells Kate to bring around a van and they'll load him up and take him into the jungle. When the coast is clear, they load Baby Ben into a van and Kate drives to the sonar fence. Then Sawyer pulls up. He doesn't stop her. He helps her carry the boy into the jungle saying "No matter what he's going to grow up to be, it's wrong to let a kid die." Back in the future, or present, are whenever it is, Kate and Aaron leave the marina. (And how many time are we going to see this scene?) On the way home Aaron asks for a juice box. Kate stops at a supermarket and while walking down the aisle, her phone rings. It's Jack. She doesn't answer. When she looks around, Aaron is gone. Uh oh. Kate panics, but eventually finds Aaron with a stranger. So she goes and visits Claire's mom and tell her the truth. The boy is her grandson and she needs to look after him. Kate says she is going back to the island to find her daughter. In the jungle, Kate and Sawyer are captured by the Others. Sawyer demands to see Alpert. When they do, Alpert asks if the boy is Ben. They ask him to save Baby Ben's life. " If I take him, he's not ever gonna be the same again. What I mean is that, he'll forget this ever happened, and that his innocence will be gone. He will always be one of us." Alpert then carries baby Ben to the Temple. Cut to the makeshift infirmary on the Hydra island. Ben stirs awake. Locke sits nearby. He smiles at Ben and says "Welcome back to the land of the living."


Or, The Killer

[Originally Aired March 25, 2009]

Title card: Tikrit, Iraq. A father drags his kid to the chicken coop and tells him must kill a one. The boy can't do it. The boy's brother walks up and snaps the chicken's neck. The father says "Well, at least one of you will be a man. Well done, Sayid." Cut to the island, and Baby Ben brings Sayid a sandwich. Baby Ben tells Sayid "Four years ago I ran away into the jungle and Richard found me. I said I wanted to leave. That I wanted to join you. So I've been patient. And if you're patient too, I think I can help you." Title Card: Moscow. Sayid follows a man into his apartment. Sayid aims his gun at the man. The man offers him four hundred thousand Euros. Sayid shoots him. Later Sayid meets Ben and asks him who's next. "We're done. Andropov was the last one. You've taken care of everyone who posed a threat to your friends." Ben says goodbye and Sayid is all what the fuck do I do now? "You should go live your life. You're free, Sayid." At the Barracks, Horace removes Sayid's cuffs and asks him why he was in the perimeter. Sayid is silent. Horace says if he doesn't talk he will "have to take this to the next level." Christ, were people really using that dumbass phrase in the Seventies? Horace visits Sawyer who is trying to reassure Juliet they won't break up now that Kate is back. Horace says if Sayid doesn't talk he's taking him to Oldham. "That psychopath? No way! Just let me have a go at him alone. He'll talk to me." Sawyer visits the security building and asks Sayid how he's doing. "A twelve-year-old Ben Linus brought me a chicken salad sandwich. How do you think I'm doing?" Sawyer tells Sayid he needs to say he was defecting and everything will be cool. If not, he's on his own. "Then I guess I'm on my own." Hurley works as a chef and tells Kate and Jack that Sawyer and Juliet are together. "They live together. Like, not as roommates. You know, together like you guys were. I thought it was kind of obvious. I mean, who couldn't see that coming?" At the security station Roger calls Sayid a dumbass for getting caught. Sayid calls Roger a dumbass for being a janitor. Baby Ben arrives with another sandwich, pissing dad off. Roger shoves Baby Ben and tells him to go home then flings Sayid's sandwich at the wall. Which is dumb since he's just gonna be the one to clean it up. Ben visits Sayid in Santo Domingo and tells him that Locke has been murdered. He also tells him someone is staked out in front of Hurley's hospital. Sayid acknowledges that Ben is trying to manipulate him, and asks why. "You're capable of things that most other men aren't. Every choice you've made in your life, whether it was to murder or to torture, it hasn't really been a choice at all, has it? It's in your nature. It's what you are. You're a killer, Sayid." At the barracks, Sawyer offers Sayid one more chance to talk. He refuses. They take him into the jungle to meet Oldham. Oldham is J.F. Sebastian but instead of living in a crumbling building with Daryl Hannah in the future, he lives in a tepee made out of Seventies macramé blankets. Sayid asks who Oldham is. Sawyer whispers "He's our you." Sayid is strapped to a tree. Oldham puts what looks like LSD on a sugar cube and the guards shove in in Sayid's mouth. Sayid struggles but Oldham tells him "It's beyond your control, so fighting it is a poor use of your energies. You see, whether you struggle or not, one thing's for sure, friend. You will tell us the truth." Cut to L.A. and Sayid is at the marina telling Jack and Ben to go fuck themselves. He leaves. Later, he's at a bar drinking MacCutcheon scotch. Ilana sits next to him and orders dinner. They flirt and she asks him to buy her a glass of scotch. In the jungle, Oldham interrogates Sayid. He says he's not an Other, that he came to the island on a plane. He knows they're all going to die. How do you know that, Oldham asks. "Because I am from the future." Oldham thinks maybe he gave him too much LSD. They take him back to the barracks and hold a meeting to determine what to do with him. Radzinky wants to kill him. Sawyer is dead-set against it. Horace puts it to a vote. Everyone votes for death, except Sawyer. Horace looks at Sawyer and says "I would really like to say it's unanimous." Sawyer raises his hand. Back in L.A., Sayid takes Ilana to his hotel room. Sayid starts to pull off Ilana's clothes and she kicks him in the head. She puts a gun to his face and says "I was hired to bring you to Guam. You're going to answer for what you've done." Sawyer visits Sayid at the security station. "Hit me in the face. Go on. You owe me one anyway, so make it a good one. Then I want you to take these keys out of my pocket and let yourself out." Sayid refuses, saying he'll stay right where he is. Sawyer tells Sayis they're going to kill him, he has to go. "When I woke up in the jungle and I realized I was back on this island I felt there was no purpose to it. But now I know exactly why I'm here." Sawyer says he's crazy. Sawyer visits Kate and asks her why Sayid is going on about his purpose and demands to know why they came back. "I don't know why everyone else came back. I just know why I did." Before they can talk further a Dharma van screeches by and slams into a bungalow. The bungalow bursts into flames. Chaos ensues. Security races to the scene. Fire hoses are grabbed. Inside the security office, Baby Ben approaches Sayid. He's bruised up. His glasses taped together. Sayid asks who did that to him. "My dad." Baby Ben asks if Sayid will take him to the Others. "Yes, Ben, I will. That's why I'm here." Cut to LAX. Ilana has Sayid in cuffs. He sees Hurley and Kate and Jack. He asks if they can take another flight. She says no and boards the plane. As they sit waiting for takeoff, Ben boards. Sayid asks if she's working for him. Who is he, she asks. "He's a liar, a manipulator. A man who allowed his own daughter to be murdered to save himself. A monster responsible for nothing short of genocide." She asks why the fuck she'd work for a douche like that. "I did." Baby Ben opens Sayid's cell and the two sneak out. They head down a dark road toward the jungle. A van approaches. It's Jin. He asks Sayid how he got out. "Sawyer let me go. They were going to kill me." Jin gets a call on the radio alerting him to the escaped prisoner. As Jin monkeys with the radio Sayid hits him in the head and knocks him out. Baby Ben is impressed. Sayid picks up Jin's gun. He tells Baby Ben he was right. "I am a killer," he says and shoots the boy in the chest.

Benry Has Just One Question

What the fuck is this?


Evil Baby of the Day

RIP J.D. Salinger

J.D. Salinger, author of The Catcher in the Rye and infamous recluse, died of natural causes Wednesday. He was 91.

However much it may have pained you, Mr. Salinger, your seminal work helped millions of snotty kids fumble through adolescence and we are forever grateful. Rest in peace.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Random YouTubery: Faraday on Punk

For Iain, whose hatred of Daniel Faraday is so strong he declared upon seeing this advert, "Subaru is dead to me. On the list of people for whom I have an irrational hatred pehaps only Regis Philbin is ranked higher than Jeremy Davies."

Jeremy Davies explains why the Subaru is "like punk rock."

(Just FYI, he's wrong. The Subaru is nothing at all like punk rock.)


Now Boarding

Want to have a little fun? Search for a flight from Sydney to LAX, one-way, non-stop on 9/22/2010:

(Click to embiggen.)



Or, Boogie Nights

[Originally Aired March 18, 2009]

Ajira flight 316 flies steadily over the Pacific. In the cockpit the co-pilot points out Hurley to Frank, recognizing him as one of the Oceanic Six. Frank shrugs it off. Then the plane rattles. Then stalls. Oh, this is going to be awesome, isn't it? The engines die, the plane drops through the clouds. A mountain looms into view. Frank restarts the engines. He screams at the co-pilot for more power, banks hard and barely misses the mountain. Another swath of green lays behind that, and Frank pulls hard the other way and again misses the mountain. "Is that a runway?" the co-pilot yells, sighting a strip of dirt cut through the jungle below. The instruments fail. The radio blares "4... 8... 15... 16..." Frank lowers the landing gear, clips a tree, then hits the runway. "Reverse thrusters!" But there's not enough room. The runway is too short. The plane squeals and rumbles and barrels off the end of the runway, smashing into the jungle. Blackout. Sometime later Frank regains consciousness. He leans over to his co-pilot and nudges him. A branch has pierced his chest. He's dead. Frank moves to the cabin. Ilana and Caesar are there. So are Sun and Ben. "Where's everyone else? Jack and Kate and Hurley? Where'd they go?" Title card: Thirty Years Earlier. Sawyer hugs Hurley and everyone is excited to see one another. Hurley asks "So what's up with you guys and the old Dharma jumpsuits?" Sawyer explains they're with the Dharma Initiative now. They came back to the island, Jack asks. No, Sawyer explains, it's 1977. Huh. Sawyer says they'll have to come to the barracks, they can't run around the jungle with the Others. "What about everyone else from the plane? They could still be out there. We didn't come back alone. Sayid was on the plane, too. Lapidus. And Sun." Hearing his wife's name, Jin jumps in the Jeep. Sawyer asks where he's going. "The Flame. If a plane landed on the island, Radzinsky will know!" Jin speeds away. Sawyer tells his friends to stay put, he'll head back to the barracks and figure out a way to explain their arrival. He heads home and starts grabbing period clothes. He tells Juliet their friends have returned. "They're back. Jack, Hurley, Kate. They came back, Juliet. I gotta find a way to bring them in before somebody else finds them and they screw up everything we got here." Juliet tells him there is a sub coming in today. At the Flame, Jin bursts in without knocking and Radzinsky gets pissed. Radzinsky is a total douche, so I'm looking forward to him getting gassed. If he doesn't die sooner. Jin tells him he needs to know if a plane landed. "What, so you think if a plane landed on our island, I'd be over there just building my model? That I wouldn't have called anyone? That I wouldn't have put out an alert?" Jin asks him to check with the other stations. Radzinksy does, but he's a total jackass about it. On Hydra island, Frank tells them the radio is dead, but help should come when it's realized they're missing. Caesar asks where they are. Frank says he doesn't kow because the island isn't on his charts. Caesar tells him to get some new fucking charts. Ben wanders away into the jungle. Sun follows him. She asks where he's going. "Back to our island. You want to come?" Juliet visits Amy to snitch the sub manifest. Amy lets Juliet hold her new baby. What are you going to name him, she asks. "We're going to name him Ethan." Damn. Kill it, Juliet! Kill it now! She doesn't. Fucking spacetime continuum. Back in the jungle Sawyer hands Kate, Hurley and Jack some new/old clothes and tells them they'll pose as new recruits from the sub. Jack wants to find the plane. Sawyer says Jin will take care of that. "Trust me. Do what I say. Everything will be fine." Meanwhile Radzinsky tells Jin no one has reported seeing a plane. Then an alarm goes off. "Grid 325. Motion sensor alarm was tripped. We got a Hostile inside the perimeter." Jin grabs his rifle and runs into the brush. He finds the Hostile. It's Sayid! Yay. Jin smiles and asks if he knows where Sun is. No. Then Radzinsky shows up and Jin tells Sayid to get down and shut up, putting his rifle in his face. Elsewhere, Hurley asks if Sawyer is going to warn the Dharmas about getting wiped out. "I ain't here to play Nostradamus to these people. Besides, Faraday's got some interesting theories on what we can and can't do here." Then he tells them Faraday is gone. He sends them inside to get their orientation on and their work assignments. "What if they start asking us questions we can't answer, like who's president in 1977?" Sawyer tells them he's got their backs, and not to worry. Sawyer gets a call on his radio from Jin saying they've a prisoner. He whispers it's Sayid. At the Hydra, Frank and Ben and Sun head toward the boats and Frank asks why Sun is trusting Ben. "I have to trust him." Ben gloats and leads them to the boats. Then Sun hits Ben upside the head with an oar, knocking him unconscious. I thought you said you trusted him, Frank asks. "I lied." Ha! At the intake center, Jack meets Chang who is pissing about not having Jack's file. Anyway, Jack is assigned to the janitorial crew. Thanks, Sawyer! Meanwhile, Phil asks Kate her name. She's not on his list. So he asks who her recruiter was. Ummm... Juliet interrupts with a new list and saves the day. Whew! Outside the Flame, Jin tells Sawyer "Sayid just came walking out of the jungle in handcuffs alone. I couldn't talk to him. Radzinsky thinks he's a Hostile." Radzinsky wants to shoot Sayid because he say his stupid little balsa wood model of the the Swan. Sawyer tells him to settle down. He tells Sayid "My name's LaFleur. I'm head of security. I want you to listen real carefully to what I got to say. And if you do that, you'll be fine. Understand?" Sawyer takes Sayid back to the barracks. Sun and Frank arrive at the dock. The place is deserted, lights down, debris strewn everywhere. They move to the barracks: deserted, overgrown. A light flicks on in one of the bungalows. A man steps out. It's Old Man Shephard. "I'm looking for my husband. His name is Jin Kwon. Do you know where he is?" Shephard invites them inside. He looks around for something. He finds it and hands it to her. It's an photo of new recruits from 1977. "I'm sorry, but you have a bit of a journey ahead of you." Back in the Seventies, the recruits pose for the photo. Some asshole says "Okay, ready? Everybody say, Namaste!" and surprisingly doesn't get punched. Then Sawyer escorts his "Hostile" through the compound. Hurley says "I guess we found Sayid." Sawyer locks up Sayid and Radzinsky asks what they're going to do with him. Sawyer tells him to get Sayid a sandwich, for fuck's sake. Jack visits Sawyer but when Juliet answers he assumes he's at the wrong bungalow. No, he's not, she says and invites him in. Ouch. Jack asks what's up with Sayid. Sawyer tells him he's safe and that it's under control. Jack says it doesn't look he's doing shit but read. "I heard once Winston Churchill read a book every night, even during the Blitz. He said it made him think better. It's how I like to run things. I think. I'm sure that doesn't mean that much to you, because back when you were calling the shots, you pretty much just reacted. See, you didn't think, Jack, and as I recall, a lot of people ended up dead." I got us off the island. "But here you are, right back where you started." At the security station, a boy brings Sayid a sandwich. Sayid thanks him and the two introduce themselves. Sayid responds "It's nice to meet you, Ben."

Lost Facts!

Top five fake-ass wigs on Lost (in descending order):

4. Faraday

8. Benry

15. Jack's beardwig

16. Naomi

23-42. Roger Workman

(See also here, here, here and here, and here.)


Wednesday, January 27, 2010


In case you haven't haven't had your fill of UFO documentaries and Nostradamus specials on the History Channel, prepare yourself. The network is branching out into Discovery Channel territory.

The once-respected purveyor of stock footage has signed Larry the Cable Guy™ to host a new show called Only in America. The alleged comedian will "explore the country, immersing himself in different lifestyles, jobs and hobbies that celebrate the American experience."

So, it's like Dirty Jobs meets Huell Howser but without the charm of someone scraping animal carcasses off the road?

Here's to hoping the History Channel will soon get back to their humble roots and return to airing Planet of the Apes on a regular basis.

The Island

So, we're to the halfway point for this season. Lots of questions. Will I get answers? Oh, they'll probably string me along until season six, what do you want to bet?

Are they really stuck in 1977? For good?

And are Locke and the Ajira survivors on the Hydra Island in the same time?

Where is Sun? And Sayid?

Speaking of which, why was Sayid in cuffs? Who was the woman escorting him?

What's up with Ceasar?

Who beat the shit out of Ben in L.A.? And why?

And where is Claire? She just wandered out of the show? And what did Kate do with Aaron? And how fucking old is Alpert anyway?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Or, The New Sheriff In Town

[Originally Aired March 4, 2009]

Open on Sawyer yanking on the rope as it disappears into the dirt. Juliet tells him it's no use. John is gone and they're in a time before the well was dug. "Way before," says Miles. They look behind them and see a huge statue. Oh. My. God! That's the one from season two! ("I don't know what is more disquieting; the fact that the rest of the statue is missing, or that it has four toes.") Down in the chamber below, Locke sets the wheel back on its axis. Up top, time slips again, but it's different this time. Afterward, they note they're headaches are gone, and the nosebleeds have stopped. "I think it's over. I think John did it." Sawyer jumps into the well to find Locke. But no luck. The well has been filled in. Nothing but dirt and rocks all the way to the top. Now what? We wait for him to come back. For how long? "As long as it takes." Cut to a Dharma station with lots of video monitors. Jerry and Rosie dance around the station to a Tony Orlando and Dawn record. Phil shows up and is pissed. Not about there being a Tony Orlando and Dawn record on either. Jerry tells Phil "Don't be such a bummer, man. Rosie was just droppin' off some brownies. You should thank her." Oh, are we going to finally see the Dharma weed growing operation? Phil says he'll have to answer to LaFleur if anything happens. Who the fuck is LaFleur? Then they notice something on the monitors. "Is that a Hostile?" No, it's Horace. And he's drunk. And playing with dynamite. Oh, this can't be good. "We gotta get LaFleur" Phil says. Jerry says fuck that, it's three AM, maybe we can take care of this ourselves. "And maybe Horace blows himself up, and LaFleur kills us for not waking him." Who the fuck is LaFleur? A short while later, Jerry and Phil knock on LaFleur's door. They apologize for waking him and tell them they have a situation. Who the fuck is LaFleur? LaFleur is Sawyer! What the fuck? Sawyer walks out of his bungalow, his Dharma jumpsuit says "Head of Security" on the breast. What the fuck? Sawyer and Miles (what the fuck?) head out in a Dharma van to find Horace. "Since when does Horace drink?" Miles asks. He doesn't, says Sawyer, so they need to keep this quiet. By the time they find Horace, he's passed out. Sawyer takes him to his wife. Her name is Amy and she's pregnant. He asks what they were fighting about. "It was about Paul." Who the fuck is Paul? Before we find out, Amy goes into labor. Swell. Title card: Three Years Earlier. Faraday sits on the jungle floor sobbing. Sawyer and the rest return. He tells them Charlotte died, and then disappeared. Sawyer asks if they've stopped moving through time, and Faraday tells them whenever they are now, is when they are for good. Swell. Sawyer says they should head back to the beach, but Miles thinks that idea sucks. Sawyer doesn't give a shit what Miles thinks and wanders off. Privately, Juliet tells Sawyer going to the beach is a shitty idea, but at least it's a plan. As they head through the jungle they hear gunshots. Through the bushes they see Amy crying over the dead body of Paul. Two Others tell her to get on her feet as they drape a bag over her head. Sawyer walks out and tells them to drop their weapons. One of the Others fires at Sawyer but misses. Juliet fires back and doesn't. The other Other aims at Sawyer. Sawyer shoots him dead too. Jin takes their walkie-talkie, but there's nothing but static on it. Amy asks who the hell Sawyer and his buddies are. "Our ship wrecked here on the way to Tahiti." Amy tells them they have to bury the Others, and they have to carry her husband home. Sawyer relents after Jin says he'll carry Paul's body. As they head toward the Dharma camp Sawyer says "When we get there, there's gonna be a lot of questions. So just keep your mouth shut. Let me do the talking. I'm a professional. I used to lie for a living." They reach the pylons and Juliet tells Amy to shut down the fence. Amy plays dumb and Juliet plays less dumb, saying "Listen, sister, we're the ones who just saved your life and hid those bodies. So how about you trust us and turn that damn thing off?" Amy shuts the fence down and walks through it. Jin, Sawyer, Juliet, Miles and Daniel walk through and fall to their knees, out cold. Amy pulls earplugs from her ears and smiles. Ingrate. Title card: Three Years Later. Amy (ingrate) is in the delivery room, screaming. The baby is breech. She needs a Cesarean. And the doctor doesn't know how to do one. Sawyer runs to the motorpool and talks to the mechanic, Juliet. She doesn't want to do the operation. "Don't you understand that every time I try to help a woman on this island give birth, it hasn't worked?" He tells her she has to try. Juliet and Sawyer return to the hospital and Juliet starts asking for anesthetic and scalpels. The doctor is stunned and Sawyer tells him to shut up and do what he's told. Sawyer steps outside and runs into one of his crew: Jin. "We finished grid 1-3-3 today. No sign of our people. No one," he says, perfectly fluent now. Juliet comes outside and tells them the baby is okay, and it's a boy. Sawyer smiles. Flashback to three years earlier and Sawyer wakes up in the rec room with Horace standing over him. Horace asks who he is. "My name's James LaFleur. You can call me Jim. We got caught in a storm. Our ship wrecked. Must've hit the reef. Thankfully, we washed up on shore. We were searching for a famous lost wreck. It's an old slaver out of Portsmouth, England, called the Black Rock." Damn, he's good. Sawyer tells them they were looking for missing crew members when they stumbled across Amy (ingrate). Horace says they have to leave on tomorrow's sub, but if they find any other survivors they'll ship them along after them. Meanwhile Faraday, Miles, Juliet and Jin sit around a table in the Dharma compound. Juliet points out her former/future bungalow. Faraday sees a toddler Charlotte. Horace brings Sawyer back and tells him to fill everyone in. Sawyer tells them they're getting sent to Tahiti. Then an alarm sounds and Phil runs by and rounds up the survivors and huddles them into a nearby bungalow. Everyone in the camp runs for cover. From inside Sawyer peeks through a curtain and sees Alpert in the compound. Horace approaches Alpert and tries to defuse the situation. Alpert is none too pleased. Horace enters the bungalow and Sawyer says he'll go explain things to Alpert. Horace tells him no. Sawyer says fuck you, I ain't asking for permission. He heads out and says "Hello, Richard. I'm the guy that killed your men. Heard some gunshots, saw two men throwing a bag over a woman's head. Gave them a chance to throw the weapons down and walk away, but one of them took a shot at me, and I defended myself." Sawyer explains he's not Dharma and the truce isn't broken. Then he asks if they buried Jughead. Alpert is all what the fuck, how did you know that? "Twenty years ago, some bald fella limped into your camp and fed you some mumbo jumbo about being your leader. And then poof, he went and disappeared right in front of you. Any of this ringinh a bell? That man's name is John Locke, and I'm waiting for him to come back." Okay then. Sawyer heads back inside and Horace tells Amy (ingrate) that they need to give Paul's body to Alpert. "They can take him. He would want to keep us safe," she says. Later that night Sawyer tells Juliet that Horace is allowing them to stay for two weeks, until the next sub comes back. Juliet says she's leaving in the morning. Even if it is 1974. Sawyer asks her to reconsider, stay they two weeks. "All right, she says. "Two weeks." Title card: Three Years Later. Sawyer heads home, picks a flower, takes it inside. Dinner is on the table, there's a box of Dharma wine. Juliet welcomes him inside. I love you, she says. I love you, too, he replies. They kiss. So much for only satying two more weeks. Later that night Sawyer sits next to Horace. Horace finally stirs from his stupor. Sawyer tells Horace he has good news and bad news. "Good news: You're a daddy. Bad news is you missed it. Now how about you tell me why you're too busy drinking and blowing up trees to see him get born?" Horace tells how he found a necklace of Paul's in Amy's dresser. He asks if three years is enough to get over someone. Sawyer says "I had a thing for a girl once. And I had a shot at her, but I didn't take it. For a little while, I'd lay in bed every night, wondering if it was a mistake. Wondering if I'd ever stop thinking about her. And now I can barely even remember what she looks like. She's just gone. And she ain't never coming back. So, is three years long enough to get over someone? Absolutely." The next morning the phone rings in Sawyer's bungalow. He says he'll be right there and runs out. Sawyer drives to a secluded spot on the island. Not far off, Jin is parked. His passengers exit: Jack, Hurley, and Kate.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Dream Journal No. 1

I bought a van. A big van. Like the one pictured. Except it had no windows on the side. It was pink pinstriped, but not faggy in any way. It was used.

Why was I buying a used van. I have no use for a van. Where was my car? The woman who sold it to me was very nice. She even drove it over to my house so I could test drive it. I think I did. I at least listened to the stereo. How dumb is that?

Lisa was there. And Juni too. And Kali, not Potter, which is totally weird. I almost immediately regretted the purchase.

No More Words

A Menifee, California, school district has banned the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Because the book contains the words "oral sex." The school district is now "forming a committee to review whether dictionaries containing the definitions for sexual terms should be permanently banned." Of course they are.

The district will no doubt consider more age-appropriate dictionaries as replacements. Hopefully they'll check for the inclusion of these words before making a final decision: Pooh, coccyx, vagina, titular, penalize, asinine, hump, and Lake Titicaca.



Or, One Way Or Another

[Originally Aired February 25, 2009]

The man who was behind Jack in line now rifles through one of the buildings on the Hydra island. He finds a map, and some notes about spacetime. He also finds a sawed off shotgun. The woman who was escorting Sayid comes in. Her name is Ilana. The man's name is Caesar. Ilana tells him they found a stranger on the beach wearing a suit. No one recognizes him from the plane. Caesar asks him his name. Locke introduces himself. Ilana gives him a mango. He doesn't remember being on the plane. They ask what he does remember. "I remember dying." Flashback to Locke turning the wheel and disappearing from the Orchid. He wakes in Tunisia. Leg still broken as all fuck. He looks up and sees a camera on a wooden pole pointing at him. He waves at the camera and asks for help. Nothing. Night falls and a vehicle approaches. It's a pickup truck. Four men jump out and throw Locke into the bed and speed off. They take him to a primitive looking hospital. The doctor there shoves some pills in Locke's mouth. Locke sees Abadon standing a few yards away. The doctor puts a bite block in Locke's mouth and starts twisting on his leg. Locke screams and passes out. When he wakes, Charles Widmore sits by his bed. He asks Locke how long it's been since they last met, when Widmore was just 17 and Locke walked into the camp. "Four days." Widmore is amazed. Widmore tells Locke he used to be the leader of the Others, before Ben exiled him. He wants to help Locke get the Oceanic Six back to the island. Locke asks why he wants to help. "Because there's a war coming, John. And if you're not back on the island when that happens, the wrong side is going to win." Later, Widmore gives Locke a satellite phone and a file detailing the whereabouts of those who left and tells him Abadon will take him wherever he needs to go. Locke looks disgustedly at the wheelchair Abadon presents to him. Abadon drives to the airport and asks if Locke wants him to look anyone up. Locke says "Please don't talk to me." Fine. Locke and Abadon visit Santo Domingo. Sayid is building a house for charity (Build Our World). Sayid doesn't want to go back to the island. "It's only because I left the island that I was finally able to marry the woman I loved. We spent nine months together, the best nine months of my life, John. Why do you need to go back? Is it just because you have nowhere else to go?" Locke tells Sayid if he changes his mind, he can be reached in L.A. Locke heads to New York. He asks Abadon to find Helen for him. They visit Walt but Locke doesn't ask him to come back. Walt asks about his father. Locke says last he heard he was on a freighter near the island. "It was good seeing you, John," Walt says and leaves. Locke visits Hurley at the hospital. Hurley tells him it's a bummer he died. Locke says he's not dead. Hurley asks a nurse if there's anyone sitting next to him. She says yes. Hurley freaks out and asks why he's here. Locke asks him to come back to the island. Hurley says that ain't going to happen. Then Hurley notices Abadon waiting nearby. Locke says he's okay. "That dude is far from okay. When I first got locked up in here, he showed up, claiming that he worked for Oceanic Air. He's evil. You should not be trusting that guy." Hurley gets up and leaves. Locke visits Kate. She doesn't want to go back. "Have you ever been in love, John? I think about you sometimes. I think about how desperate you were to stay on that island. And then I realized it was all because you didn't love anybody." Locke says he loved Helen. Abadon takes Locke to see Helen. At her grave. He asks what happened. Aneurysm. Locke laments not being able to be with her. "Helen is where she's supposed to be. As sad as it is, her path led here. And your path, no matter what you did or what you do, your path leads back to the island. Mr. Widmore told me Richard Alpert said that you were going to die. So you tell me, John. Is that inevitable, or is it a choice?" Then Abadon falls over dead as someone shoots him. Locke jumps in the car and races from the cemetery. He runs a red light and ends up in a wreck. Locke wakes in the hospital and Jack is looking over him. He tells Jack they need to go back. Surprise, surprise, Jack doesn't want to hear it. Locke tells him it was fate someone tried to kill him and he ended up at the hospital. Jack doesn't see why anyone would want to kill Locke. "Have you ever stopped to think that these delusions that you're special aren't real? That maybe there's nothing important about you at all? Maybe you are just a lonely old man that crashed on an island. That's it. Good-bye, John." Locke tells him his father said hello. Jack says his dad died three years ago in Australia, and leaves. Sometime later, Locke sits in his hotel room and writes his suicide note. Then he takes a length of extension cord and makes a noose out of it. As he climbs up onto a table, there is a knock. It's Ben. Ben breaks into the room and talks Locke down, saying Jack bought a ticket on a plane, that's he's convinced he needs to go back. "Whatever you said to him, John, it worked. And if you got Jack, you can get the rest of them." Locke climbs down and says they need to visit Eloise Hawking. "You sure?" Yeah. Ben grabs the cord and wraps it around Locke's neck and strangles him to death. What the fuck? Ben cleans up the room and stages Locke's suicide. Back on the Hydra island, Locke tells Caesar he's been on the island before. Caesar asks when that was. Locke says that would be kind of confusing to explain. Caesar takes Locke to a makeshift infirmary, where the injured lie. Locke sees Ben. Caesar asks if he knows him. "Yeah, he's the man who killed me."

Sunday, January 24, 2010

On Twilight And Hair Gel

I watched Twilight on Showtime last night. I've just one question: What the fuck is up with Cullen boys' hair?

The Five Worst Prescription Drug Names

1. Boniva

2. Flomax

3. Abilify

4. Flonase

5. Aciphex

Friday, January 22, 2010

Cemetry Gates

We go inside and we gravely read the stones
All those people, all those lives
Where are they now?
With loves, and hates
And passions just like mine
They were born
And then they lived
And then they died
It seems so unfair
I want to cry


Just Like Rosa Parks

Introducing "Markus": Dumber than a bag of buttplugs, as deep as a puddle of jizz, and America's first ever legal male prostitute. Now, fellas, before you go ditching all the rentboys on Santa Monica Blvd., Markus has something to tell you: "My sphincter isn't for sale."


But he's no homophobe:

I think gay people are very put-together. I think they're very classy, very well-organized people. They have great personalities. I have nothing against them, but that's not me.

Since talking to Details, Markus has been prohibited from doing press interviews, in no small part to this quote:

It's more of a civil rights thing now. Basically this is the first time in the economy of the United States that a male has actually stood up and said, "I want to do this for a living." And be protected under law to do it. It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front instead of the back. She was proclaiming her rights as a disadvantaged, African-American older woman. And I'm doing the same.

No. Markus, no, you're not. I know it's "going to be a tough job" because "there's going to be times where there's an ugly woman — ugly physically," but you trying to get your fuck on is a million miles from the hardship and struggles Ms. Parks endured.

She made the country, the world, a better place for millions of people. You, not so much.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Veggie Tale

I just ate an entire head (?) of celery. That's got to be good for me, right? No matter how much ranch dressing it is slathered in.


Thursday Theremin

Pekkanini plays his original composition "Fat Theremin" and delights viewers with some totally awesome visual effects.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Ice Palace

Tourists marvel at colorful ice palaces created by Swiss artist Karl Neuhaus in a small forest near Schwarzsee Lake, Switzerland.

Video of the Day

Danny Elfman: "Gratitude"

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Or, Locke's Final Wishes

[Originally Aired February 18, 2009]

Jack wakes up on the jungle floor. He's in a suit and tie and for a moment it looks like a flashback to the very first scene in the very first episode. Jack stands and there is a small scrap of paper in his hand. It reads "I wish." Jack hears someone yelling for help. The paper slips from his hand as he runs off. The voice is familiar. Hurley. Jack finds him splashing in the lagoon near the waterfall. Jack dives in and pulls Hurley ashore. They see Kate a ways off, unconscious, on a rock. Jack shakes her awake. Are we back, she asks. Yeah. What happened? Cut to forty-six hours earlier. Eloise takes Ben, Jack, Sun and Desmond into the church. Underneath is a Dharma station called the Lamppost. Ben says he didn't know about it. Jack asks Eloise if he's telling the truth. "Probably not." She shows them a giant pendulum swing over a map of the Pacific inlaid into the floor. She explains this station is over "a unique pocket of electromagnetic energy" and is tied to other areas that share its properties. Anyway, the Dharmas couldn't locate the island until someone figured out that they have to find out where the island is going to be, not where it is currently. Blah blah blah. Dez tells Eloise her son said she had to help, then storms out. "The island isn't done with you yet," she says. She tells Jack he and the others need to be aboard Ajira flight 316 to Guam. That flight will be in the same place the island will be tomorrow. "If you want to return, you need to recreate as best you can the circumstances that brought you there in the first place. That means as many of the same people as you are able to bring with you." Then Eloise takes Jack aside and gives him Locke's suicide note. She tells him Locke will be proxy for his dad. And he needs to give Locke something that belonged to his father. Later, Ben asks what Eloise told him. Nothing important he says, then asks where Locke's coffin is. Ben says he has a loose end to tie up, and afterward will pick up Locke and meet him at the airport. Later, Jack gets a call from Grandad's nursing home. Apparently he tried to escape. Again. While visiting, Jack sees a pair of his father's shoes among Grandpa's things and asks if he can have them. Jack goes home and finds Kate asleep in his bed. He asks her where Aaron is. "If you want me to go with you, you'll never ask me that question again. You will never ask me about Aaron. Do you understand, Jack?" He says okay and they get their fuck on. In the morning Kate tells him she'll meet him at the airport and leave as Jack gets a call. It's Ben. He's at a pay phone, battered and bruised. Jebus, someone else has beaten the shit out of him. He tells Jack he's run into a snag and sends him to pick up Locke's body. Jack visits the butcher shop and heads in back to put dad's shoes on him. He says this whole thing is crazier than he ever was. He shoves the suicide note into Locke's hand, saying "I've already heard everything you had to say." At the gate, the counter person asks Jack why he's taking Locke to Guam. "These were his wishes. He wanted to be buried there." Kate arrives at the terminal and sits alone. Jack leaves the counter and the man in line behind him offers condolences. Sun appears, saying to Jack "If there's even a chance that Jin is alive, I have to be on that plane." Across the room they see Sayid, in cuffs, being escorted onto the plane. What the hell happened there? Someone at the ticket counter calls for standby passengers. Hurley jumps up and says there can't be anyone on standby on the plane. The agent explains there are still 78 open seats. Hurley explains he bought all those tickets and doesn't want anyone else on the plane. Jack asks Hurley how he found out about the flight. "All that matters is that I'm here, right?" Hurley, Jack, Kate, Sun, and the man in line who talked to Jack earlier board into first class. Sayid and his captor are already seated. Coach is already full. (I guess Ajira seats the riff-raff first, unlike every other airline in the world. Good for them.) The doors are about to shut and someone yells, "Hold up! Wait, please!" It's Ben, arm in a sling, face bruised. Hurley protests "No, no! He can't come!" Jack tells him to chill. Then a flight attendant hands Jack the suicide note, saying security found it in his cargo. Swell. Later, Jack asks Ben what will happen to the other people on the plane. "Who cares?" Damn, that guy is fucked up. Maybe being island punching bag will do that to you. The plane takes off. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Ajira Air. This is your captain..." Holy shit, it's Frank! Jack asks to see him. When he comes out of the cockpit he notices Sayid. And Kate. And Hurley. And Ben. "We're not going to Guam, are we?" he asks. Later, Jack asks if Ben knew Locke killed himself. No, he says. He shows him the note. "They found this stuffed in his pocket. And I've been trying to get rid of it, but it's like it's following me. I know it sounds crazy, but it feels like John needs me to read it." Ben tells him it wasn't his fault Locke killed himself. Ben finds another seat, giving Jack some privacy. Jack opens the envelope. Written on the paper is a simple note. "Jack, I wish you had believed me." The plane rattles and shakes and Hurley tells his neighbor "Dude, you might want to fasten your seat belt." There's a flash.... then.... Jack and Kate and Hurley are in the jungle. "Do either of you remember crashing?" Jack asks. As the three stand by the lagoon, a vehicle approaches. It's a Dharma van. A man in a jumpsuit jumps out and aims a rifle at them. Then quickly lowers his gun. It's Jin. He smiles at his friends.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Brett Anderson 2010 Tour Dates

January 2010

Friday 22nd - O2 Shepherds Bush Empire, London, England
Sunday 24th - Tivoli, Utrecht, The Netherlands
Monday 25th - Luxor, Koln, Germany
Tuesday 26th - Knust, Hamburg, Germany
Thursday 28th - Nalen, Stockholm, Sweden
Friday 29th - Parkteatret, Olso, Norway
Saturday 30th - Pumpehuset, Copenhagen, Denmark

February 2010

Monday 1st - Lido, Berlin, Germany
Tuesday 2nd - Atomic Cafe, Munich, Germany
Wednesday 3rd - Music Drome, Milan, Italy
Friday 5th - Divan Du Monde, Paris, France
Saturday 6th - Trix, Antwerp, Belgium
Monday 8th - Academy 3, Manchester, England
Tuesday 9th - King Tuts, Glasgow, Scotland

See also.



I just received the following text message:
From: 9099
Sent: Jan 18 8:48AM
Msg: customer issue, us bank service frozen. please call at 570 763 3989
This is totally legit, right?


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Random Twink

Dillon Samuels


Or, Well, Well, Well

[Originally Aired February 11, 2009]

Sun sits in her car, watching Ben and the rest at the marina. Her phone rings. It is mom asking where she is, when she'll be home. Mom puts Ji Yeon on and she says to come home soon. Sun hangs up and walks to the group. She pulls a gun. Kate runs to the car to get Aaron. Jack tells her to put down the gun. She aims the gun at Ben. "If it wasn't for you, Jin would still be alive." He tells her he didn't kill Jin. No one killed Jin. "Jin's still alive, and I can prove it." How he knows is beyond me, especially considering that Jin is in 19-fucking-88 at the moment. With Rousseau. Speaking of which... Jin tells Rousseau he wants to find his camp and asks if they saw a helicopter. All the Frenchies can pick up on their radio is some dude spouting off 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 ad infinitum, so they ask Jin to take them to the radio tower. He agrees, since he doesn't know where the fuck he is exactly, but can find his camp from the tower, and then hopefully his wife. They trek through the jungle and Rousseau says her baby is kicking. She asks for water but Nadine, who is carrying the canteen, is missing. Uh oh. Then there's the buzzing and clicking. What is that, they ask Jin. "Monster." They start to argue over who saw Nadine last and where to look for her. Jin tells them all to keep moving. Then the smoke monster growls and Nadine's body drops from a tree. Damn. Rousseau cries and then the monster appears and grabs one of the Frenchies. It starts to drag him away but the rest of the team holds onto him. They are all dragged through the jungle to an ancient looking temple. The temple? The one Ben sent all the Others to? The monster sucks the man into a hole at the temple's base. They all struggle to hold onto his one free arm. Then.... rip! His arm pops off and he's sucked down into the darkness. Damn! They drop the limb in the dirt. Then his voice comes up from the darkness, begging for help. They all head in to save him. Except Jin. Jin tells Rousseau not to go either, being pregnant and all. Then time slips again and Jin is alone. The withered arm is still there, but the temple is otherwise deserted. He heads back toward the beach and finds two dead Frenchies with bullets in them. He hears Rousseau. She's arguing with her lover. Jin on spies them from the bushes. The two point rifles at one another in a standoff. She says to him "You're not Robert, you've changed. That monster changed you." He responds "There is no monster. It's just a security system that guards the temple, that's all." He begs her to lower her rifle. She does and he pulls the trigger. Click. Oops! She shoots him in the face. Damn! Jin yells and she points the rifle at him. "You! You disappeared! Are you sick too? You're a carrier!" She shoots at him but misses. He runs away and time shifts. Still, he hears a gun cock behind him and a voice tells him to turn around slowly. It's Sawyer! Yay! They hug. Sawyer says he thought Jin had died on the boat. Jin says he was in the water when the boat exploded. The rest of Sawyer's group shows up. Jin asks if they know what happened to Sun. Locke says they need to get back to the Orchid to bring her back. At the marina, Ben tells Sun he can take her to someone who can prove Jin is still alive. Who, asks Sun. "The same person that's going to show us how to get back to the Island." Uh oh. Everyone freaks out. Kate says fuck this and leaves. Sayid says fuck this and if I see either of you again I'm kicking your ass. Ben says proof is a short drive away. "We can be there in thirty minutes. You'll have proof. Proof that he's alive. Or you can shoot me and never know." A half hour later they've still not arrived at their destination. Sun asks what the fuck. Ben apparently forgot there's traffic in L.A. Sun says he better not be lying. Jack says if he is he'll shoot him. Ben pulls over the Reincarnation van. "If you had any idea what I've had to do to keep you safe, to keep your friends safe, then you’d never stop thanking me! You want to shoot me, then shoot me. But let's get on with it! What's it going to be?" Sun tells him to drive. In the jungle, Jin asks Locke how he plans to leave the island. He isn't sure yet, but he'll figure it out at the Orchid. Then time shifts again and Charlotte falls down. She moans and writhes and says to Jin "Don't let them bring her back. No matter what, don't let them bring her back! This place is death!" Damn! Then she starts sputtering bullshit like she's a four-year-old. Sawyer says they have to keep moving but Faraday refuses to leave her behind. They agree to move on without Faraday and Charlotte, even though they have no idea when they are. What if the Orchid isn't even there yet? "Look for the well. You’ll find it at the well," says Charlotte. Eventually, like after a commercial break, Locke, Miles, Sawyer, Jin and Juliet find the orchid. Then there's a flash and the Orchid disappears. Shit. Locke turns around and notices and old stone well with a rope dangling down it. "How the hell did Charlotte know this was here?" How indeed? Charlotte tells Faraday she grew up on the island, her parents were in the Dharma Initiative. Then her mom moved back to England told her they were never on an island. That's why she became an anthropologist, and she's been searching for the island ever since. Faraday asks why he's telling her all this. Because, she says, when she was a kid a crazy man told her to never come back here, if she did she would die. "Daniel, I think that man was you." Damn! Charlotte dies. Back at the well, Jin makes Locke promise not to bring Sun back. He says to tell her that he washed up on shore and they buried him. He hands Locke his wedding ring to offer as proof. Locke heads down the rope in the darkness. Then the flashing starts and time is about to skip again. Uh oh, Locke is fucked. So he lets go. He hits the bottom and screams. Up top Sawyer pulls hard on the rope. But it is no good. The well is gone. The rope disappears into the dirt. Damn! He stars digging. Juliet tells him it's no use. Damn! Down below Locke yells up to Sawyer, but there is nothing but rock above him. A bone sticks out of his leg. Damn! Old Man Shephard appears out of the darkness and says hello. "I'm here to help you the rest of the way." He tells Locke he fucked up (big surprise) and says that when he came to the cabin he told Locke to move the island. Not Ben. "But Ben said.." Shephard says "Hey, dumbass, has listening to Ben over done you any fucking good?" He asks if Locke is ready to go. Locke doesn't know what to do once he leaves. "There's a woman living in Los Angeles. Now once you get all your friends together, and it must be all of them, every one who left, and once you've persuaded them to join you, this woman will tell you exactly how to come back. Her name is Eloise Hawking." Locke thought he was supposed to die. "I suppose that's why they call it sacrifice." Shephard tells Locke to drag his self over to the wheel and put it back on it's axis. "All you have to do is give it a little push." Locke crawls around to the wheel. It's not turning. It's clanking about, like it's jammed. Locke nudges it and it starts turning again. Shephard tells him to say hello to his son and then time shifts again. In L.A., Jack, Ben and Sun arrive at a church. Ben hands Sun Jin's wedding ring. She asks how he had it. He got it from Locke, he explains. "I'm sorry I had to bring you here before I gave it to you, Sun. But all those people back on the island, Jin included, need our help. There is a woman in this church and she can tell us how to get back to your husband. But we're running out of time, Sun. So I need you to decide right now. Will you come with me?" Yes, she says. Then Desmond approaches and asks why the fuck they've come to see Faraday's mother. Damn! So, let me get this straight: Eloise Hawking is Faraday's mother? And she's the woman who sent Dez to the island. And is probably the same Ellie that Faraday said looked familiar when he was talking to her. In the Fifties. Damn. (And he named his rat after her! Ha!) Hawking looks around and says she told Ben to get everyone together. This iss all he could do on short notice he says. "I suppose it will have to do for now. Let's get started."

Quite Possibly The Most Revolting Thing On The Planet

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Big Mac Snack Wrap: everything you love about McDonald's famous burger, but shredded and dumped into a tortilla. Yum.

This knocks the KFC Famous Bowl (otherwise known as "Hey, let's sweep all the shit we've spilled on the floor into a bowl and sell it to our customers") down to the silver medal spot on the list of the worst ideas this century from the fast food industry.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Suede to Reunite for Benefit Show

Britpop's founding fathers will reunite this Spring for a single gig at London's Royal Albert Hall, with proceeds going to the Teenage Cancer Trust. The line-up will consist of Brett Anderson, Richard Oakes, Mat Osman, Simon Gilbert, and Neil Codling.

The date of the show TBA.

[Cross-posted with a tip of the hat to my Britpop pal Lena.]


Or, Nosebleeds

[Originally Aired February 4, 2009]

Jack and Kate lie next to each other in bed on The Searcher. Jack tells her he can't convince the rest of the Oceanic Six to lie, unless she helps him. He asks if she's with him on this. "I have always been with you." On the island, Juliet asks Faraday why Charlotte passed out. He tries to play dumb, but she presses. He relents, "I think it's neurological. Our brains have an internal clock, a sense of time. The flashes throw the clock off. It's like really bad jet lag." Juliet notes really bad jet lag doesn't make you hemorrhage. Locke suggests they head back to the Orchid. If he can bring their friends back, maybe this will stop. Charlotte wakes up and everyone agrees to head to the greenhouse. Flashforward, and Kate borrows a suit from Sun and visits Norton's office. She offers him a deal. She'll give him blood samples if she can meet with his client. He says he'll pass on the info to the client when he visits them later, but don't expect them to go for it. He tells her the best thing to do at this point is to prepare herself to lose Aaron. At the hospital, Sayid wakes up and warns Jack to stop Ben from seeing Hurley. Jack says Ben is cool now. Sayid is all wevs on that. Another doctor peeks into the room and asks for a word with Jack alone. She asks what the fuck he's doing here. He's on suspension for showing up to work stoned. Jack's phone rings. It's Hurley. Calling from jail. Ben shows up and asks Jack how Sayid is. Not good, because back in his room a nurse shows up and tries to shoot him with a dart gun. Sayid pulls more of his ninja bad-ass moves and strangles the guy. He asks who he is working for. The man says the address is in his pocket, then passes out. Sayid looks at the note and when Jack and Ben show up he asks if they know anyone there. "That's Kate's address." Jack calls Kate who is sitting in her car in front of Norton's office. She tells him it's not a good time so he agrees to meet her there. Back in the jungle, Locke and Sawyer and company head through the jungle. In the distance a column of light shoots up into the night sky. Locke tells them they should avoid that. Wow, that's freaky. Then they hear someone yelling in the distance. Sawyer heads to investigate. Through the bushes he sees Kate helping Claire give birth to Aaron. Sawyer watches solemnly, until there's another flash, and Kate and Claire disappear. Back in L.A., Jack appears and parks near Kate. Apparently the lawyer works on the only block downtown that has plenty of streetside parking. He leans into Kate's window and she tells him she doesn't have time for his bullshit right now. Norton drives out of the parking lot, and Kate tells Jack to get in or get lost, as she starts to tail the lawyer. Locke asks Sawyer who he saw in the jungle, but Sawyer says it was nothing. Locke knows when they were, so Sawyer asks him about the light. He tells about the night Boone died and how the light came on. Sawyer asks him why he didn't go visit himself and tell him not to make the same mistakes, maybe save himself the pain. "I needed that pain to get to where I am now." Miles nose starts to bleed and he asks Faraday why he and Charlotte are the only ones getting sick. Faraday thinks maybe it has to do with the amount of time spent on the island. Miles says that doesn't make sense, he's only been on the island a couple weeks. "Are you sure about that?" Uh oh. They make it back to camp but it's deserted. It looks abandoned and old. The food is gone, just empty cans. The zodiac is gone too. But there are a couple canoes on the beach. "Where did these come from?" Good question. Sawyer pulls a bottled water out of one of them and shows the label to Juliet. "Ajira," she says. "It's an airline. It's based out of India, but they fly everywhere." Locke says they should take one of the canoes and paddle around the island to the Orchid. They set out to sea. Sawyer tells Juliet he saw Kate and Claire in the jungle. Then they notice the other canoe pursuing them. There are gun shots. Who the hell is that? Juliet says they're not the Others. She takes the rifle and fires back, hitting one of their pursuers. Then there is buzzing and humming and time starts to shift. Sawyer shout a thank you to god. Suddenly they're in the middle of a storm. "I take that back!" Back in L.A. Kate and Jack follow Norton to a motel. They see him walk up to a room and knock. Claire's mother answers. Holy shit, how'd she figure that out? After Norton leaves, Jack heads up to talk to Claire's mom alone. "I understand that you feel the need to do this. But I need you to know that everything that Kate and I have done, it was for Aaron." Who's Aaron, she asks. Oh uh. Jack reports back to Kate "She doesn't know. She still thinks that Claire is dead. She doesn't even know that Aaron exists. She sued Oceanic, and she's in town to pick up her settlement. Whoever's trying to take Aaron, it's not her." Well, that doesn't clear anything up. Ben and Sayid stop in a secluded parking lot. (Ben's van has Canton Rainier Carpet Cleaning painted on the side of it. Anagram alert!) Norton approaches and tells Ben the D.A. has no case against Hurley, since the murder outside the hospital occurred before he escaped. Norton leaves and Sayid asks who he was. "That's my lawyer." Oh, you fucker. You're the one trying to take Aaron, aren't you? You're just fucking with Kate now! Locke and the rowers wash ashore. Too dark to tell where they are. No idea when they are either. Juliet asks Sawyer why he didn't talk to Kate. "What's done is done." Then Juliet gets a nose bleed. Charlotte finds some wreckage on the beach. All the writing on it is French. Somewhere, at sea, is a life raft. The passengers yell in French and point. Some distance away someone else floats aboard some wreckage. They paddle over and manage to pull the man aboard. It's Jin! Which, honestly, would have been more surprising if his name hadn't been in the opening credits all season. Still, it's nice to see him alive. And someone tell me these aren't the Frenchies that Rousseau crashed with back in the Eighties. Jack and Kate meet up with Sayid and Ben. Kate is pissed to see Ben and accuses him of trying to take Aaron. He totally admits to it. Back on the island, the Frenchies make it ashore. Jin tells them his boat sank. One of the passengers introduces herself. She's pregnant, she's young, she's Rousseau.

Coming Soon

Me. In my pants.

More here.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Video of the Day

Prick: "Animal"

You May Be Through With Leno, But Leno's Not Through With You

As I (and just about everyone else in the world) reported earlier this week, Jay Leno's stinking turd of a show is being scuttled.

Shame, that.

At the time, it was also suggested that Leno would be given a new half-hour show, and Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show would be pushed back to midnight. Not really a good deal for The Tonight Show, an even worse deal for O'Brien.

O'Brien was pretty vocal about how he was being shit on by NBC and by Leno, and indicated he would not go along with their plans.

What is a network to do? Fire O'Brien, apparently, and give Leno back The Tonight Show.

So, after Leno stank up the network (and seriously tanked affliates' revenues) for six months, he is being rewarded by returning to The Tonight Show. Nice.

Jebus, doesn't this guy have a vintage fire truck to go ride or something?


Thursday Theremin

Dr. Samuel Hoffman, podiatrist and theremin virtuoso.


Teddy Pendergrass R.I.P.

Teddy Pendergrass died yesterday after a battle with colon cancer.

Theodore Pendergrass first hit the music world as the gifted drummer for the Cadillacs, the pre-natal troupe that would one day become Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes. But his overpowering baritone was going to waste behind the drum kit, and with the Blue Notes he performed lead vocals on numerous number one hits before going solo in the last half of the 70s.

In 1982, the brakes on Pendergrass' Rolls Royce failed and, while in a spin out, his car struck two trees. Pendergrass' passenger escaped with minimal injury, but the accident left Pendegrass paralyzed from the waist down. He remained an active force in the music industry, releasing over a dozen albums until he announced his retirement in 2006.

Throughout his career, Pendergrass belonged to a class of R&B singers with a bent for positivity, and in their ranks, Pendergrass' singing voice, a heavy, husky baritone, and his stage presence of beaming good vibrations, made him a beloved and cherished musical presence.

In 2009, Pendergrass underwent surgery to treat colon cancer. Yesterday, he died of the disease, surrounded by friends and family. He was 59 years old.
RIP, Teddy.

Modern Bullshit

Did anyone manage to catch Modern Family, ABC's new show about, well, modern families? I didn't. But I did happen to stumble across the above picture recently. It's the show's gay couple. And their adopted Vietnamese baby.

Wow, groundbreaking. There's the prissy fag on the left in the darling little sweater. (I've dubbed him Sweater.) And on the right there's the tubby mo with the wild and wacky shirt! (His name will be Paisley) Jebus. Those were my first impressions. Just based on the photo. Two tired stereotypes right out of the box. But that couldn't be right, could it? Not in a show created by two hetero dudes.

So I went to Wikipedia, and read the character bios.

Sweater is a low-key or mild-mannered person. At most times he is the exact opposite of Paisley which usually causes disagreements. Paisley acts as a counterbalance to Sweater's uptight, worrying ways. He is not ashamed of his homosexuality and usually responds to homophobia (whether real or perceived) by giving "speeches". However, he is sometimes embarrassed by Paisley's flamboyance. Sweater's dad isn't completely comfortable with the fact that his son is gay, which most likely contributed to Sweater becoming a momma's boy. Sweater is an overprotective and cautious father. He also enjoys musical theater and loved ice-skating as a kid.

Ho ho! He also enjoys musical theater and loved ice-skating as a kid! Of course he did. He's a momma's boy, like all sweater-loving fags. I also am thrilled that gay men are yet again portrayed as imagining phantom homophobia under every pillow. Oh well, any excuse to give a speech on political correctness!

Paisley, also referred to as Paise, is Sweater's partner of five years who has a very big dramatic personality. His bubbly outgoing personality contrasts to Sweater's uptight manner, which causes them to be very opposite. Paisley was a starting center for the University of Illinois football team. Paisley fosters many unusual hobbies such as collecting antique fountain pens, being adept in Japanese flower arrangement, filming home movies, and is a classically trained Auguste clown. Paisley often dresses their daughter up as famous people, such as Diana Ross or Ray Charles for the purpose of taking photographs.

Oh my, the laughs just keep on coming, don't they? See, he's an ex-football player, but he loves Japanese flower arrangement! How gay is that? Of course he loves antiques, amiright? He's bubbly and dramatic (in fairness, those words were written by a Wiki contrib, though I suspect it isn't inaccurate). And he was trained as a clown! Because all homos just love to perform. When they're not playing dress-up with their adopted kid*.

Sometimes I forget we're living in the 21st century when retrofuck swill like these stereotypes continue to fill the airwaves. One of these days, maybe, I'll see a TV show that features real gay characters.

* As we know, if you're a lesbian on TV, you've a baster baby. If you're gay, you've adopted one from some war-torn country.



Or, The One About The Atomic Bomb

[Originally Aired January 28, 2009]

Desmond scurries through an Asian marketplace. He is searcing for Efren Salonga. Who the fuck is that? After much searching, he finds Salonga, and asks if he's the doctor. Dez takes Salonga back to his boat, and the man helps deliver Penny's baby. It's a boy. A few years later, Dez tells the kid about a very special island he hasn't seen in years: Great Britain. Then Penny interjects and says he left out the part where he broke her heart. And the part about gramps being an asshole. Penny warns Dez not to go back to England, that her father will find them if they do. He insists he has to help Faraday. Cut to the jungle and Faraday, Miles, Charlotte, and some survivors wander through the brush toward the creek. Faraday notices a trip-wire and yells out for everyone to stop. The random survivors don't and are suddenly blown to bits by landmines. Ouch. A blonde woman with a rifle jumps out and says "You just couldn't stay away, could you?" She asks where the rest of the survivors are. Miles suggests they were blown up by her landmines. She says the landmines are Miles'. Swell. Somewhere else, Locke asks who their new prisoners are. Sawyer is all fuck if I know, I was too busy dodging flaming arrows and watching Frogurt roast to find out. Locke notes the M1 rifle they were carrying looks new. Sawyer suggests shooting them with it since they've no rope to tie them up with. Then the two men start speaking to each other in Latin. Juliet interprets and everyone is stunned. How do they know how to speak Latin? "The same reason I do. Because they're Others." Back to Miles and Faraday and Charlotte, they are lead through the jungle by the woman and her soldier companions. Miles whispers to Faraday "We just walked over a fresh grave. Four U.S. soldiers, dead just under a month. Three of them were shot. One died of radiation poisoning." Then they arrive at an encampment. A small group of olive drab tents. Richard Alpert is there. Same fucking age as always. He asks if they've come back for their bomb. Cut to Oxford. Desmond asks about Faraday. He is told there is no record of there ever having been a Faraday working at the school. Huh. Dez wanders to Faraday's lab, and sees it is sealed off, a sign taped to the door saying it is being fumigated. Dez sneaks in. The room is dusty, but some of Faraday's equipment is still there. A custodian walks in. Dez asks about Faraday. The man tells him the school tried to erase all evidence of Faraday having been there. Couldn't blame them, he says, not after what Faraday did to that girl. Huh? Back at the Others' camp, Faraday tells Alpert the bomb they have is unstable, and it will destroy the island and kill everyone on it, if he isn't allowed to render it inert. Alpert suggests Faraday is on some sort of suicide mission. Faraday assures him "I'm in love with the woman sitting next to me. And I would never do anything to hurt her." Oh, damn, she's hosed, ain't she? For all his time travelling and shit around the island, I guess no one told Faraday not to fall in love on this rock. It's a death sentence. Meanwhile, Juliet tries to make peace with their two prisoners. She asks them to take her to see Alpert. One of the guys agrees but then the other snaps his neck and runs off into the jungle. Locke doesn't raise the rifle and Sawyer asks why. "Because he's one of my people." Back in England, Dez visits a row house and asks to speak to Theresa Spencer. He says he got her name from Daniel Faraday. The woman at the door says she's Theresa's sister, and takes him to another room. Theresa is there, in bed, catatonic. "Sometimes she wakes up, thinks she's three, wants to know where her dolly is. Yesterday, she was talking to our dad. He died five years ago." She explains how Faraday ran off, leaving Theresa like this. If it hadn't been for Charles Widmore, who knows what would have happened. What? "He funded Faraday's research, and he took responsibility for the result of it. He's been taking care of Theresa ever since this happened to her. Everything here is due to Mr. Widmore, God bless him." Back at the camp, Charlotte tells Faraday he didn't have to lie about loving her. He says it was no lie. Yup, she's dead. Alpert tells them a bunch of army dudes showed up and made the camp. The Others asked them to leave peacefully. When they didn't, Alpert killed them all. Damn. The Other who escaped returns to camp, says he was outnumbered but made a getaway. The woman scoffs. "Shut up, Ellie!" What a little schmuck. From the hilltop above, Juliet, Sawyer and Locke spy on the group. Locke asks how fucking old Alpert is exactly. Really old, he's told. They watch as Ellie escorts Faraday into the jungle. Locke says he's heading down to talk to Alpert. Sawyer and Juliet go after Faraday. Ellie tells Faraday to stop ogling her. "I'm sorry. It's just, you look so much like someone I used to know." They find the bomb. It's big, it's green, it has the word Jughead painted on the side. Faraday inspects it, sees it has a cracked casing. He asks Ellie if they have lead or concrete. He tells her to bury it, and everything will be fine. How does he know that, she asks. He tells her that fifty years from now the island is still there, that's how he knows. He knows because he is from the future. Juliet and Sawyer show up and disarm Ellie. Back in London, Desmond bursts into Widmore's office. He says he wants Widmore to answer his question, and if he does he'll never hear from Dez again. Widmore asks if his daughter is alright. Des doesn't answer, he asks where he can find Faraday's mother. Widmore tells Dez to deliver his message to Faraday's mother, then to take Penny back into hiding. "You're getting yourself involved in something that goes back many, many years. It has nothing to do with you or my daughter." Locke walks into the camp and yells for Alpert. The neck snappy guy puts a rifle on him. Alpert comes out of his tent and says "Put the gun down, Widmore." Locke seems surprised and then wryly asks "Charles Widmore? Nice to meet you." Locke gives Alpert his compass back. Alpert does not know what Locke wants from him. Locke tells him he needs to know how to get off the island. Locke says he's his leader, so he needs to tell him. Alpert is skeptical, saying the selection of leaders starts at a very young age. Locke asks the date and tells Alpert to come see him when he's born in a couple years. Then the flashy hummy thing starts and Locke asks how to get off the island but before he can get an answer he is sucked through time. He tents and Others are gone. Faraday and his rescuers return to camp. Charlotte's nose bleeds, and she stumbles and falls. See?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Michael C. Hall Being Treated For Cancer

Michael C. Hall, star of Showtime's Dexter is currently being treated for Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Hall's cancer is in complete remission, says his spokesperson. And according to the article "the disease is considered highly treatable with the potential for full recovery." That's certainly good news.

Here's hoping everything turns out okay.

I'm Mad at You Just Because I Know Who You Are

"The Situation"

The following conversation took place at Shakes Manor yesterday, after Iain mentioned something about "The Situation."

Liss: How do you even know who "The Situation" is?

Iain: Everybody knows! It's absurd!

Indeed so.

[Previous Targets of My Arbitrary Ire: Carrot Top, Jared Fogle, Baby Luv, The Federlines (wah wah wah!), TomKat, Carrot Top (again), "Dog" Chapman, Rick and Kathy Hilton, Dr. Phil, Carrot Top (again), Dane Cook.]

Happy Birthday, Rip Taylor!

Here's to 76 more "flamboyant" years!


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Usher's Million Dollar Giveaway!

Thieves recently broke into a GMC Yukon belonging to singer/actor Usher, stealing over a million dollars worth of jewelry, $50,000 in furs and about $20,000 in cash.

I see the purchase of a safe in Usher's future.

Headline of the Day

"Vatican Says Avatar Is No Masterpiece." Yeah, I've been wondering what they think.


RIP Miep Gies

Miep Gies hid the family of Anne Frank for more than two years in an Amsterdam attic after the Nazi invasion of the Netherlands.

Gies never accepted the label of hero she was given, stating "I don't want to be considered a hero. Imagine young people would grow up with the feeling that you have to be a hero to do your human duty. I am afraid nobody would ever help other people, because who is a hero? I was not. I was just an ordinary housewife and secretary."

She died yesterday at age 100.

For two years Miep Gies and her husband Jan, a municipal employee whom she had married in 1941, risked their lives to smuggle in food and provisions and news from outside, begging, buying and bartering what they needed from farmers and shopkeepers. They were helped throughout by her colleagues Victor Kugler, Johannes Kleiman and Bep Voskuijl.

Miep acted as a confidante for the adolescent Anne, bringing her paper for her diary and, on one occasion, a pair of second-hand high-heeled shoes. The Gies's heroic feat of humanitarianism ended on August 4 1944, when the Frank family were betrayed (by a person whose identity remains unknown), arrested and sent to concentration camps.

When the Gestapo arrived, Miep Gies was at her desk in the office below. She recognised from the voice of one of the arresting officers that he was Viennese, and she managed to charm him, perhaps saving her own life.

She never saw her Jewish friends again but "could tell from the sound of their feet on the wooden steps that they were coming down like beaten dogs".

Later, at considerable personal risk, she went to Gestapo headquarters to try to bargain for their release – but to no avail. Eventually she returned to their hiding place and found Anne's diary, its pages scattered over the floor.

She intended to return it to its author, knowing how important the diary had been to her, and locked it away without reading a word. Nearly a year later, Anne's father Otto returned from Auschwitz. He knew his wife and friends had not survived, but still hoped that his two daughters, Margot, 18, and Anne, 15, had been spared.

Two months later he received a letter that confirmed that both girls had died in Bergen-Belsen in March 1945, less than a month before the camp was liberated by British soldiers.

Miep Gies was with him when he received the news and could not find the words to comfort him. Then she remembered Anne's diary. She took it out of the desk and gave it to him, saying: "Here is your daughter Anne's legacy to you."
Rest in peace, Miep Gies. And yes, you were, in fact, a hero.

Monday, January 11, 2010

And In Other News...

Sarah Palin has accepted a job at Fox News providing "some type of commentary," says her attorney. No other details were available.


Finally, Some Good News

After a mere six months on the air, NBC is cancelling The Jay Leno Show.

Leno's low rattings were "leading fewer viewers into [affiliates'] late news programs, costing them significant advertising revenue." His final show will air February 12.

The bad news is Leno will be given a new half-hour show at 11:30, pushing Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show to midnight.



Or, The Safety Dance

[Originally Aired January 21, 2009]

On the boat, Jack convinces his friends to lie about the crash. Hurley doesn't want to lie, and he's a bit resentful. Sayid feels they have no choice. Frank doesn't give two fucks. Cut to Hurley driving erratically through L.A. Sayid is still out cold. Hurley is in a panic. The cops spot him and pull him over. Hurley rolls down his window and the cop asks him what the hell he was thinking. "Ana Lucia?" Woah! She tells him to get his shit together. Get out of his bloody clothes, get some place safe, get Sayid to someone they trust. She warns him not to get arrested. Then she tells him "Libby says hi" and disappears. On the beach Rose and Bernard bicker about starting a fire while a random guy named Neil is freaking out. Sawyer calls him Frogurt for some reason then takes one of his shirts. Juliet wants to take the zodiac to a shipping lane but Faraday tells her that they can't do that unless he figures out the correct bearing. But he can't exactly do that until he figures out when they are. Miles says he's going to find dinner. Juliet says shell get water then. Hurley buys a new shirt at a gas station. The clerk recognizes him as the winner of the lottery. He pretends he's someone else. As he drives away, Kate pulls into the parking lot. Her phone rings. "I can't believe it's you. How are you? You're in L.A.? Of course I can meet." At his hotel room, Jack looks for his pills. Ben has flushed them. Ben tells him "Go home. Find yourself a suitcase. If there's anything in this life you want, pack it in there. Because you're never coming back." Ben tells him, in the meantime, he's got to put Locke's body someplace safe. Hurley makes it home and he and dad pile Sayid onto the couch. Hurley asks if he's seen the news. No, dad's been too busy making beluga caviar sandwiches. A short while later there is a knock on the door. It's two detectives looking for Hurley. Dad tells them he hasn't seen his son. After they leave he asks if Hurley really killed three people. No, Sayid did. "Oh, well, that's better." Dad says they need to get Sayid to the hospital. Hurley thinks that is a bad idea. Dad insists Sayid needs a doctor. Good thing Hurley knows one. Meanwhile Ben visits a butcher shop and drops off Locke's body. He tells the butcher, "Keep him safe. Because if you don't, everything we're about to do won't matter at all." Back on the beach Bernard and Rose continue to argue about starting a fire while Frogurt Neil pulls a Bill Paxton √† la Aliens saying how they're all doomed. Charlotte asks Faraday if he knows what is wrong with her. He doesn't answer. Miles returns with dinner. "I found a boar. Don't worry. It's fine. It's only been dead three hours." Frogurt continues to complain until a flaming arrow in the chest shuts him up. Holy jebus, I didn't see that coming. Neither did Frogurt, apparently. Flaming arrows rain down on the beach. "Come on! Split up! Everybody, get to the creek!" Frogurt is engulfed in flames. So is the boar. Everyone runs. Lots of survivors die. Back in L.A. Hurley's mom comes home and asks what the fuck he did. And why there is a dead man on her couch. Dad and Hurley load up Sayid into the back of Dad's SUV. Did drives away, past the detectives staked out in front of the house. Across town Kate visits Sun. Kate tells her about the lawyers who visited. Sun tells her whoever it is not interested in exposing the lie. "If they were, they would just do it. They wouldn't come to you in private. They don't care that we're lying. They just want Aaron." Sun tells her she will need to "take care of" the lawyers. Kate is all "WTF?" Then Sun says she doesn't blame her for getting her on the copter and leaving Jin behind. Hurley's dad meets Jack in a parking garage somewhere. They move Sayid from the SUV to Jack's jeep. Hurley's dad asks Jack to do something for him when this is all over: "Stay away from Hugo. Stay away from my son." At home, Hurley tells his mom about the island. That all this bad stuff is happening now because they lied. She says she doesn't understand, but she believes him nonetheless. In the jungle, Juliet and Sawyer are captured by three men in olive drab uniforms. "What are you doing on our island?" they ask. Back in L.A. Sayid wakes up in a hospital room. Jack stands over him. Sayid asks about Hurley. At home, Hurley heats up a Hot Pocket™ in the microwave. Ding! Then Ben walks in and says hello. Hurley flings the Hot Pocket™ at him. "I have a car waiting for us out back. The police didn't see me come in. I can get you out of here." Hurley is all fuck that, Sayid told me not to trust you. Ben assures him that he'll take him to Sayid. He tries to convince Hurley everything is okay. "You can stop worrying about the stories and the deceptions. If you come with me, you won't ever have to lie again." Hurley runs out of the house and into the street. He runs to the detectives. "I'm the killer. I'm crazy. I'm a murderer. I killed four people. Three people. However many are dead, I killed them. I killed them." Hurley is arrested. Ben looks annoyed. In the jungle, one of the soldiers waves his machete and threatens to cut off Juliet's hands if they don't get some answers. Suddenly the soldier is hit in the head with a rock. He falls. Another rock, another soldier falls. Sawyer jumps the third one and pounds the shit out of him. Juliet grabs a rifle. Machete guy gets up but is hit with a knife and falls back down. Then Locke strolls out of the jungle and says hello. Meanwhile, Ben visits a woman in her secret lair. Hey, it's the woman who sold Desmond his engagement ring! She tells Ben he has seventy hours to get everyone together. What if he can't in time, he asks. "Then God help us all."