ADRIFT

Or, Shark Week on Lost

[Originally Aired September 28, 2005]

Flashback and Michael and Susan engage in a custody battle for Walt. This goes on, intermittently, throughout the episode. By the end, Susan has convinced Michael to give up his fight so she can head to Rome with Walt. Michael says good-bye to the boy and gives him a stuffed toy polar bear as a going away present. On the island, Claire asks Charlie about the Virgin Mary statue he has in his backpack. He says it may come in handy. Sure, if you're a smack addict, it might. On the sea, Michael is drowning but Sawyer saves him and drags him onto a chunk of raft. Sawyer gives Michael CPR, really, really saving him. Jin is missing. Walt is gone. Sawyer is shot and bleeding. Oh, yeah, and there's a shark around now. Swell. Michael and Sawyer argue over the consequences of firing the flare and the abduction of Walt. Michael tells Sawyer to get off his raft so Sawyer swims to another chunk of wreckage. Sawyer uses his bare fucking hands to dig the bullet out of his shoulder. Let me repeat that: Sawyer uses his bare fucking hands to dig the bullet out of his shoulder. Rewind just a bit to Locke's experience exploring the hatch. He finds Kate lying on the floor and Desmond shows up to ask him "Are you him?" Sure, why not? says Locke. Then Desmond asks "What did one snowman say to the other snowman?" Locke replies with a WTF? and Desmond realizes the jig is up. Locke is forced to tie up Kate and shove her in a closet, but he slips a knife in her pants. Then Desmond forces Locke to enter The Numbers onto the computer. A clock resets itself to 108 minutes. After that, Locke and Desmond talk, mostly asking each other questions, both trying to get to the bottom of things. Sawyer's raft bit falls apart and he is forced back onto Michael's chunk. He tells Michael that the boat the abductors had was too small to be from anywhere other than the island. Kate uses the knife and cuts herself free and finds herself in a fully stocked pantry. All the food is labelled with the Dharma logo. She eats some candy and climbs up into the ductwork. At sea, the shark swims by and I am pretty sure it has the Dharma logo on its tail. WTF, did I really just see that? Sawyer sees one of the pontoons and decides to swim for it. He gives his gun to Michael. On his way to the pontoon, the shark returns but Michael shoots it. The next morning they wake and find themselves off the coast of the island again. "We're home," says Sawyer. Jack heads down the hatch and runs into Desmond and Locke, which is not quite a flashback, but something we've seen once already. Sawyer and Michael make it ashore and as they walk onto the beach Jin comes running from the brush, hands tied behind his back. He screams at them in Korean. Then he sputters, "Others! The Others!" They look up and see several menacing figures approaching.

In Odd Things I Stumble Across

Dollhouse miniature of Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's
Via The Miniature Bookshelf, which bills itself as "the largest selection of dollhouse books online." Firstly, I had no idea there was such a thing as dollhouse books. Secondly, I love the idea that there are little dollhouses out there with fully stocked libraries. Thirdly, I am tickled to know that there is a tiny little version of my favorite book of all time available. (And even though it's not an actual book and can't be read, the idea still pleases me.)

By the way, I am so getting a copy of The Grass Harp for my Bossk action figure.

MAN OF SCIENCE, MAN OF FAITH

Or, The Geodesic Underground

[Originally Aired September 21, 2005]

Flashback, and someone wakes in a retro apartment and punches at an old computer screen. (He keys in The Numbers, if you look closely.) He throws an old Mama Cass record on the hi-fi. I hope it's a quadraphonic system. He makes a smoothie, works out, then gives himself an injection. The cabinet is marked with an octagon and the word Dharma. As he's finishing up his injection, which looks like an immunization, there is an explosion, and the room shakes and the record skips. Oh, holy shit, this ain't no flashback, this is inside the fucking hatch! The man looks through his telescopic mirrored-up contraption and stares up the shaft at Jack and Locke. Okay, now to a real flashback, and Jack has on a shitty-ass wig and is in the ER when his eventual fiancé arrives on the brink of death. Jack must decide to help her or the other victim of the crash. He chooses Sarah. He saves her life but her spine is crushed and she may never walk again. At the hatch they discover the ladder down the shaft is busted, and they'd need to rig up some sort of hoist to get everyone down to safety. Jack decides it is too dark and too late to try it and they will come back in the daylight. On the way back to the caves, Jack asks Hurley why he freaked out. Hurley explains and Jack, not surprisingly, thinks it is hooey. Hurley tells Jack his bedside manner blows. At the caves, Shannon realizes she has lost the dog, and heads into the jungle to find him. Sayid follows and they see the dog but he disappears into the brush. Shannon and Sayid get separated and Shannon falls. (Seriously, when are they going to get on building those sidewalks? Haven't they all had enough of tripping over shit?) When Shannon looks up she sees Walt standing nearby, soaking wet. He shushes her, and whispers something unintelligible, then Sayid shows up and when Shannon looks again for Walt he is gone. Sayid thinks she's a loon. At the hospital Jack tells Sarah she'll probably never walk again and is kind of a schmucky doctor and his dad tells him sometimes false hope is better than no hope. Jack tells Sarah he's gonna fix her, and even seems surprised by that himself. He doesn't fix her, the surgery goes bad so Jack gets pissed and goes running on a Tour de Stade which is some craziness where you run up and down every set of steps at a stadium. Jack hurts his ankle and meets a dude named Desmond who is training for a race around the world. Desmond asks him why he is punishing himself. Jack explains how he couldn't help the woman, and Desmond says what if he did, and Jack says that would be a miracle. Jack goes back to Sarah to tell her she'll be paralyzed forever. So she asks him if that's so, why can she wiggle her toes? At the caves Jack gives an inspiring speech about sticking together, and as soon as he's done Locke leaves to explore the hatch. Kate follows. Locke lowers Kate down the hatch since she's lighter. Near the bottom of the shaft she realizes someone or something is down there and yells for Locke to pull her back up but suddenly the light goes on again, and Kate disappears. Locke heads in after her. Jack then leaves the caves and heads to the hatch. When he arrives Locke and Kate are gone. Jack explores the underground complex. There's tons of ancient computer equipment. There's a geodesic dome (Buckminster Fuller, woot!) There's a bricked up wall with a ginormo magnetic force behind it. Jack looks at the blinking computer and Locke appears and tells him not to touch it. Jack aims his gun at Locke and asks about Kate. The man in the hatch points a gun at Locke's head and tells Jack to drop the gun. When the hatchman fianally shows his face, he is revealed to be Desmond.

Some Movies Just Aren't Sexist Enough

We've discussed The Ugly Truth before, and by all accounts it sounds like a pretty shitastic film (it's certainly marketed that way), a fairly uninteresting "romantic comedy" with a heavy dose of sexism and misogyny to presumably (what other rationale could there be?) lure in the all-important dudebro dollar.

And for some, the film just doesn't have enough sexism and misogyny.

From St. Petersburg Times film critic Steve Persall: "The Ugly Truth is a movie telling women to loosen up a little, get in touch with your inner pig. If only the rest of [the] movie were that subversive." And by subversive the author seems to mean "reducing women to objects to serve as targets for men's lust." Yeah, that's subversive.

And while it might appear that referring to Gerard Butler's character as "an unapologetic poster boy for misogyny who wandered off the set of a Judd Apatow raunchfest" isn't a compliment, Persall assures us that Butler is, in fact, "keep[ing] things fairly real."

You see, all men, well, anyone who's "a rugged man's man" like Butler's character, really are "selfish and sexist." I guess I'm not a real man, not by his definition.

I'm okay with that.

(Now, don't get me started on his review of Sex and the City.)

[Cross-posted.]

The Only Good Thing About Cliffhangers...

Who or what is down the hatch? What will happen to Jin, Michael and Sawyer? Are the Others really coming? Or is Rousseau just insane? Who took Walt? And why? 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42? Is Claire's baby the Antichrist? Polar bears? Monsters? Is Hurley cursed? Are the numbers cursed?

Your Guide To Winning

Courtesy of the GOP: "Republican strategists realize the party has little hope of winning a national election without a dramatic improvement among [Hispanic voters]" + "GOP members of the Senate Judiciary Committee will vote overwhelmingly against confirming Sonia Sotomayor" = Strategy for Success!

Good luck with that.

EXODUS, PT. 2

Or, You All Everybody

[Originally Aired May 25, 2005 ]

Jin heads to the restroom to clean up his pants and some white dude asks him for a paper towel, but Jin doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, and then the guy switches to Korean and tells Jin he works for his father-in-law and he's being followed and watched and can't ever escape. Charlie scours his hotel room for his drugs, and some woman in a Poison t-shirt wakes up and the two fight over the smack. She leaves without it. Michael calls his mom and tries to get her to take Walt. She refuses. Hurley has more bad luck as he oversleeps, can't get in the elevator, has his rental car break down, goes to the wrong terminal and is forced to pay for a second seat because he's fat and then gets to the gate too late. In one last bit of bad luck they actually let him on the doomed plane. The airline has lost its wheelchair for loading disabled passengers, and Locke has to be carried onto the plane. Sayid is eyed suspiciously by some other random white dude. On the island, Locke, Kate and Jack enter the hull of the Black Rock and learn it was a slave ship. They find the dynamite and carry it outside. Then Arzt lectures them all on the history of safety of dynamite, and in the process blows himself up. It's messy. Hurley is freaked out by it. They decided to carry two bundles of dynamite to the hatch, just in case, and they draw straws to see who will carry the backpacks. Locke and Kate win. While heading through the jungle Kate and Jack see something that looks like the Predator, that is to say, something blurry and fast running through the bushes. The monster approaches, and they set down their packs and run for safety. On the beach Rousseau tells Charlie she needs Sayid's help, so he leaves her alone with Claire and Turniphead. Rousseau asks to hold Turniphead. Claire refuses. On the boat, they get a good look at the island and wonder how someplace so huge has gone undiscovered. Sawyer reads the letters in the bottle and wonders who Hugo is with the 160 million dollars. Then they hit an errant log and the rudder is dislodged and starts to sink. Sawyer dives into save it, almost drowns, but manages to bring it back to the boat. As Michael helps him get dressed he discovers Sawyer's gun. The monster grabs Lock's foot with its tentacle, like its a Graboid from Tremors (but it clinks and whirs like a machine) and drags him off. Jack gets a hold of him just as he's about to be sucked into a hole in the ground and he tells Kate to chuck some dynamite down the hole. She starts to unpack her pack when Jack tells her he switched their packs and the dynamite is in his. She gets the dynamite and Locke tells her not to throw it but she does anyway and the monster lets go and there's some wispy weird ghosty smoke that dissipates unnaturally. When Charlie reaches Sayid they both hear Claire start screaming. They find her konked over the head and Rousseau and Turniphead are missing. Rousseau has kidnapped the baby. Charlie promises Claire he'll get the baby back. Claire names the baby Aaron Sayid and Charlie head toward the smoke, convinced she's gonna trade Turniphead Aaron for her son. Further in the jungle they find the plane. And the heroin. Later Charlie sees Turniphead Aaron, but it's a trap and he gets clobbered with rocks. His head is gashed and Sayid closes it by lighting some gunpowder on his head. Ouch. Eventually they find the source of the smoke but no one is around, not even any foot prints. The only people there are Rousseau and Aaron so Sayid convinces her to give up the baby. She says she thought she could trade him for her son, because she heard the voices telling her they were coming for the boy. On the boat the radar picks up something. Maybe a boat. Maybe a whale. Maybe some junk. They argue about using their lone flare. Meanwhile Locke and Jack rig the hatch with dynamite, and set the fuse but then Hurley sees the hatch is marked with 4 8 15 16 23 42 and so he freaks out and tries to stomp the fuse out and Jack saves him from being exploded like Arzt. Jack also tells Kate they're going have a problem soon with Locke (what's that mean?) and Jack needs to know if she's got his back. Charlie returns Aaron to Claire and there is much rejoicing. Michael shoots off his flare and the blip on the radar moves closer. Soon, an unusually small boat approaches. The raft crew rejoices too, until the grizzled boat captain says they're taking the boy. What?!? Sawyer pulls his gun, there's a shootout. Sawyer is hit and knocked into the water. Jin jumps in to save him. Walt is snatched. Michael falls in the water. The rescuers firebomb the raft. Damn! In the jungle Locke and Jack stare down the ladder into the darkness of the hatch.

EXODUS, PT. 1

Or, Boarding Time

[Originally Aired May 18, 2005 ]

In Sydney Walt watches the Power Rangers early in the morning, waking his dad. Michael is annoyed, the two argue and Walt has a total conniption. On the island, he wakes next to dad and heads for a pee and sees Rousseau wandering into camp. He raises the alarm and most everyone freaks out until Sayid arrives and explains who she is. She has some ominous news. She tells them how sixteen yeas ago there appeared a column of black smoke several miles away, then that night the Others came and took her son. She tells them they're coming back tonight for the boy. She tells them they can run, hide, or die. She doesn't tell them how she knows they're coming or how many there are or anything remotely useful. In Sydney Jack sits at the airport bar and flirts with a woman named Ana. Sawyer is at the police station, they know his real name (James Ford) and he is being deported for breaking a cop's coffee mug and generally being a scoundrel. Kate and the marshal head through the customs office and the agent explains about the toy airplane. He put it in the safe deposit box as bait since it was the only thing Kate cared about. Somehow she managed to figure out which bank, which box, and pull off the heist, largely just to spite the marshal. At the airport she tries to attack him but he knocks her down. Sayid asks Shannon to watch his bag but she just narcs him out to airport security. Sun fetches lunch for Jin but when she hears some 'Mericans talking shit about her (assuming she doesn't speak English) she dumps coffee on Jin's crotch. Work continues on the raft and as the boat is pushed close to the water the mast is broken. Michael blames Sawyer but won't let him fix it, claiming him and Jin just work faster alone. Black smoke appears on the horizon. Jack and Locke decide the best thing to do is hide inside the hatch. Sayid disagrees, arguing it might be the Others' hatch. Sawyer heads into the jungle to cut a new mast and Jack arrives to say good-bye and give him one of the pistols. They've an uncomfortable moment and then Sawyer tells Jack about the doctor he met in the bar and says how the doctor was really proud of his son. It's another amazing scene. Curiously two of the best moments this season both feature Sawyer. Rousseau offers to take Jack and Locke into the Dark Territory to the Black Rock to fetch some dynamite to blow the hatch open. Hurley, Kate, Jack, Locke and Daniel Roebuck follow her into the jungle. Daniel Roebuck is named Dr. Arzt which is, I think, German for "doctor," so his name is Dr. Doctor. What is that? Some sort of Thompson Twins joke? When they arrive at the edge of the Dark Territory, Arzt decides to return to the beach, but then a short time later comes running back chased by the monster. Okay, the monster sounds mechanical now. What is it? Mecha-Godzilla? Giant Robot? One of those things from The Incredibles? Rousseau says it's a security system for the island. Whatever that means. Sayid gives Michael a radar and flare gun salvaged from the plane. Locke and company arrive at the Black Rock, which is actually an old pirate ship. Miles inland. Walt gives his dog to Shannon, so she'll have someone to talk to about Boone. The new mast is attached to the boat and they are ready to sail off the island. Sawyer scans the beach looking for Kate and looks distraught he won't be able to say good-bye. Sun gives Jin a notebook of English words she made for him to help him communicate with his shipmates. The two reconcile and Jin tells her he is leaving on the boat so he can save her. Charlie gathers messages from everyone on the island and stuffs them into a bottle on the boat. Michael, Walt, Jin and Sawyer set sail. The black smoke continues to drift up.

...Starring Deeky!

As promised, Liss has come up with another movie poster doctored to present me as the star, a sort-of alternate universe where movies are a little less sucky, or maybe a little moreso, depending on your preference. Here's me, as Jack Nicholson, with an alarmingly large forehead.

As an aside, a many years ago my boyfriend and I planned a trip to the Stanley Hotel, the real life inspiration for the story's Overlook Hotel. He dumped me before that ever happened.

Juniper Under the Juniper

Juniper, in her new favourite spot, under the juniper.

Questions Before the End

Okay, I'm on the precipice here of the last two episodes of season one. And I'm wondering some things:

Will the monster return? And will we get to see it? Will the rafters make it off the island? Will the hatch be opened? (What's in the hatch? Who's been turning on and off the light?) Are there more polar bears? Will they find Rousseau's transmitter? Is Claire's baby the Antichrist? 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42?

I'm not sure how many, if any, of these things will be resolved in the next two episodes, but I can't wait to find out.

Feel the Homomentum!

The St. Louis City Board of Aldermen and Mayor Francis Slay passed an ordinance that would require LGBT-inclusive non-discrimination policies (pdf) for contractors on city projects.

Board Bill NO. 75 CS states:

On each public works contract, for which the design teams estimated base value of the contract is one million dollars ($1,000,000) or more, the agency shall require that all contractors assigned to work have a personnel policy which prohibits discrimination based upon race, color, creed, religion, sex, national origin, age, disability, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression.

Feel it, St. Louis-style!

BORN TO RUN

Or, The Piña Colada Song

[Originally Aired May 11, 2005]

Kate is a blonde in Iowa (or maybe it's Nebraska at this point) and she swaps her car's plates and dyes her hair back to black and visits a mail drop and picks up a letter addressed to (Melissa) Joan Hart. It's stuffed with cash and a letter, which makes her cry. On the beach Charlie talks about his big comeback with the impending rescue and Kate is nervous about becoming famous. Daniel Roebuck shows up and delivers a couple lines about how monsoon season is approaching and tells everyone the raft should have left yesterday so Jin and Michael rush to get it finished but then Michael gets a wicked case of cramps and has to stop working. Jack figures out Michael was poisoned. But by whom? Everyone suspects Sawyer, which doesn't make much sense, but wevs, these are the same people who give no thought to the big-ass monster (and not to mention the occasional polar bear) lurking in the jungle. Kate tries to visit a hospital in Iowa but the cops seem to be waiting for her, so she visits and old doctor friend of hers. He was her old boyfriend when they were kids. Sawyer gives Michael some Pepto-Bismol™, and as a way of thanking him, Michael boots him off the boat and gives his spot to Kate. Sawyer gets pissed and accuses Kate, then snatches her backpack and dumps it out revealing she's stolen the drown woman's passport. Kate then admits to everyone that she was the prisoner on the plane and she will be sent to prison if they're rescued. Now Michael thinks she poisoned him and gives her seat back to Sawyer. Kate and her doctor friend kill time by digging up an old New Kids on the Block lunchbox they buried as a makeshift time capsule. Inside is that damn toy plane Kate stole from the bank in an earlier ep, and an old cassette of them as kids talking about how they'd be married some day with nine kids or something. Then they kiss. Jack figures out Sun poisoned the water (he's a doctor and a detective!) and when he asks her about it she says she was trying to make Jin sick, so he wouldn't die out on the raft. Turns out Kate's mom is A) Aunt Zelda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch and B) dying of cancer. The doctor/ex-boyfriend helps Kate sneak a visit with her mom but when mom realizes who she is starts screaming for help. Walt and Locke talk and when Locke touches Walt's hand he has a Dead Zone moment and tells Locke not to open it (presumably the hatch) before running away. Sun and Kate talk and it turns out the poisoning of Jin was Kate's idea. In Iowa Kate makes a getaway in the doctor's car and he goes with her and the cops shoot up the car and the doc is killed. Kate flees on foot, leaving the dead doc and his toy plane behind. Walt tells Michael that he burnt the first raft, and dad says they can stay on the island then, but Michael is really insistent they go.

THE GREATER GOOD

Or, Everyone's Being Deceitful

[Originally Aired May 4, 2005]

Jack wanders around the jungle looking for Locke, but he's just walking in circles until Kate finds him and brings him back to the beach. There is a funeral for Boone, during which Locke appears, shirt drenched in Boone's blood, and he says Boone's death was his fault but calls him a hero for trying to get out a distress call. Jack pounces on him and punches him some. Sayid is flashing back to Sydney. He's been bouncing around the world looking for Nadia. The CIA approaches him and tells him they will let him know where she is if he can infiltrate a local terrorist cell. Charlie convinces Claire she needs rest and babysits her son while she sleeps. The baby cries a lot. Hurley sings "I Feel Good" and the baby cries more. The baby cries until he hears Sawyer's voice. Shannon asks Sayid to do something about Locke. She doesn't say it, but it sounds like she wants him killed. Sayid tells Locke to take him to the plane. On the way Sayid questions Locke. He asks Locke about the hatch, and Locke lies and says Boone must have been talking about the hatch on the plane. Locke then gives the gun he found on the Nigerian to Sayid and tells him he was the one who clubbed him over the head and destroyed the triangulator. Sayid sticks the gun in Locke's face, but ultimately lets him go. In Sydney Sayid infiltrates the cell, as an old friend Essam is one of the terrorists. Jack is still pasty and tired but wound up about Locke so Kate drugs him so he can get some rest. While he's passed out, Shannon steals the key to the suitcase full of guns and goes after Locke herself. Sayid tells the CIA Essam is in over his head but they tell him he must convince Essam to go through with the mission so they can get the explosives and arrest the leader. Shannon finds Locke and wants to shoot him maybe and Kate and Sayid and Jack try to talk her out of it. As she squeezes the trigger Sayid knocks her down and the bullet merely grazes Locke's Head. Jack does not offer to patch him up. Sawyer reads auto magazines to the baby (whom Charlie has dubbed Turniphead). Essam and Sayid are given a truck full of explosives and Sayid tells his friend he's working for the CIA so Essam shoots himself in the head. The CIA gives Sayid a plane ticket to L.A. so he can be reunited with Nadia, but he asks them to delay his flight so he can claim Essam's body and give him a proper burial. On the island, Sayid demands Locke take him to the hatch.

Headline of the Day

"Why Is Six Flags Using a Creepy Old Guy to Attract Kids?" Why, indeed?

[Cross-posted.]

Nerd Off!

Q: Who's the bigger nerd? Liss or Deeky?



A: Psych! Trick question. It's a tie.

Anti-Choice Legislation In Ohio

[Trigger warning.]

"Pro-life" douchenozzle John Adams (R-Mendacity) has re-introduced legislation in the Ohio house that would require the biological father's consent before a woman can get an abortion.

As written, the bill would ban women from seeking an abortion without written consent from the father of the fetus. In cases where the identity of the father is unknown, women would be required to submit a list of possible fathers. The physician would be forced to conduct a paternity test from the provided list and then seek paternal permission to abort.

Lifenews.com reports "the bill offers exceptions in cases of rape or incest or when the life of the mother is threatened by the pregnancy." They fail to note what that exception consists of: "[W]omen would be required to present a police report in order to prove a pregnancy is the result of rape or incest."

Or, as Pam puts it "a rape survivor would need to find her rapist and see if he's willing to sign off on the whole deal. Jesus H. Christ." Allow me to add an oh, for fuck's sake while we're at it.

Claiming to not know the father's identity is not a viable excuse, according to the proposed legislation. Simply put: no father means no abortion.

In cases where the identity of the father is unknown, women would be required to submit a list of possible fathers. The physician would be forced to conduct a paternity test from the provided list and then seek paternal permission to abort.

This whole tack seems especially mendacious and nefarious, as the baby-saver movement tries to find a new position to attack choice from, this time hiding its anti-choice fuckneckery inside a thicket of seemingly-pro-choice legislation. The problem is it is entirely pro-male-choice: Women are, as always, left at the mercy of the patriarchy for autonomy over their own bodies.

Of course, there wouldn't be an issue at all if women would just keep their legs closed. "There is merit to chastity," according to Adams. Not sure how that applies to rapists though.

DO NO HARM

Or, Mr. Fix-It Doesn't Always

[Originally Aired April 6, 2005]

Boone is completely thrashed and Jack tries desperately to save him. He sends Kate to get all of Sawyer's alcohol. Surprisingly, he gives it up without question, and he, again, proves he's not as big an asshole as he likes everyone to think. Someone says there is no way Jack can save Boone and he yells "Don't tell me what I can't do!" echoing Locke's outburst from earlier in the season. Meanwhile, in Flashbackistan, Jack is at his wedding rehearsal dinner and Scut Farkus is his best man. His soon-to-be-partner is Silas Botwin's ex-girlfriend (though, if we follow things chronologically, she's not his girlfriend yet... anyway...) whose broken back he operated on and allowed her to walk again after a horrible, horrible accident. Or, as she puts it, "He fixed me." Kate runs back up through the jungle but trips (they should maybe consider putting in some sidewalks or something, they've certainly got enough free time) and smashes a bunch of the alcohol bottles. When she pulls herself up from the ground she hears Claire moaning. Looks like she's about to go into labor. Kate yells for help and Jin comes running and, despite the language barrier, she sends him to the cave to get Jack. Back home, Jack is having trouble writing his vows, but his dad arrives and helps him with that. Sayid takes Shannon to a secluded spot on the beach for a romantic dinner. They make out. Boone has lost a lot of blood and needs a transfusion, so Jack sends Charlie around to find out everyone's blood type but no one knows their blood type so Jack has to give him his blood except he has no needles and can't make one out of bamboo. Sun brings him an urchin and they use its needles as needles and Jack pumps blood into Boone. Jin arrives and for the first time in weeks is forced to speak to Sun who interprets for Jack and tells him Claire is in labor. Jack can't stop the transfusion and sends Charlie and Jin back into the jungle with instructions for Kate to deliver the baby. Boone is getting no better, his leg is shattered and he's a collapsed lung and Jack realizes his injuries weren't from a fall off a cliff. The transfusion is doing no good, and Sun yanks the needle free, which is good because, as Hurley points out, Jack's looking kinda goth now. Claire doesn't want to have the baby, she's sure it will know she didn't want it. But Kate gives her a pep talk and changes her mind. Boone's leg is so bad it will have to be amputated. As Jack is about to cut it off, Boone wakes and mumbles about the hatch, and tells Jack to let him die and asks him to tell Shannon... He never finishes the sentence. Boone dies. Claire gives birth. The circle of life, hakuna matata and all that. Jack at the altar still has not come up with vows, and instead tells his new wife that she actually fixed him. Later Jack heads into the jungle to find Locke, thinking he's murdered Boone.

Headline of the Day

"Northwestern Missouri Woman Found Guilty of Receiving 2 Stolen Monkeys." Heh.

DEUS EX MACHINA

Or, Another Plane Crash

[Originally Aired March 30, 2005]

Locke is in a flashback and he works in a toy store and has hair and can still walk. He shows a kid how to play Mousetrap and then realizes he's being stalked by Swoosie Kurtz. That freaks him out, but hey, who wouldn't be freaked out if they were being stalked by Swoosie Kurtz? He chases her through the parking lot and gets hit by a car, but it's only a minor injury and when he finally catches her she tells him she's his mother. Locke asks about his father and she tells him she was immaculately conceived. On the island, Locke and Boone build a trebuchet to smash the window of the hatch. When it doesn't work, Locke tells Boone the island will tell them what to do next. Boone looks weary over Locke's antics. He then tells Locke he has a big-ass piece of shrapnel in his leg, but Locke doesn't seem to notice. Later that night Locke pokes and burns his feet and legs and figures out he's losing his feeling in his legs. Sawyer is suffering from headaches but is too much of an asshole to ask Jack for help. Locke With Hair hires a private dick to investigate his parents and he tells Locke mom is schizophrenic and that maybe he should not get involved with dad. Locke ignores the warning and visits his father. Back at camp Locke has a crazy dream where he sees Boone covered in blood saying "Katherine falls down the stairs" and he sees a little plane crash and his mother is there and he's back in a wheelchair. The next day Locke and Boone head into the jungle to find the dream plane but Boone is doubtful until Locke asks him about Katherine who fell down the stairs. Jack diagnoses Sawyer and gets him to cop to having VD in front of Kate. Locke With Hair meets his dad who turns out to be Roy DeSoto from Emergency! but a lot less likeable. The two bond and hunt and other stuff until Locke With Hair finds out Roy is dying from kidney failure. Boone and Locke find a dead priest with a wad of Nigeria cash in a tree and Locke starts to stumble around as his legs fail him. Jack tells Sawyer he needs glasses, and his headaches are being caused by "A Wrinkle In Time." Well, being caused by reading while far-sighted. Locke With Hair decides to give his kidney to Roy and Roy is pleased with the way fate reunited them. (Will Bobby Troup perform the surgery? I sure hope so!) Boone and Locke find the crashed plane, just like it looked in the dream, teetering on the edge of a cliff. Locke tells Boone he'll have to climb up and investigate. In the plane Boone finds a bunch of Virgin Mary statues stuffed with heroin. He tries the plane's radio, and manages to get out a distress call, but then the plane teeters off the cliff and Boone gets smashed real good like. Locke musters the strength to pull Boone from the wreck and carries him back to the caves. Sayid makes Sawyer some glasses out of salvaged specs from the wreck. Locke With Hair wakes up in the hospital and Roy is gone but mom arrives and tells him they conned him out of his kidney. Locke With Hair goes to confront his father but can't get through the gate and on the way home, or wherever, he has an emotional breakdown over the betrayal. Locke brings Boone to Jack and tells him he fell off a cliff while hunting, then disappears immediately. Later, Locke is in the jungle crying at the hatch, asking why the island won't help him. A light in the hatch turns on.

Nerdz/Not Nerdz?

Liss and I were talking earlier today about what big nerds we are.

Actually, she was claiming we were nerds while I countered that I've never worn a wizard hat. As per usual, the conversation degraded to the point where she pulled her trump card, threatening to Photoshop me into a compromising position with a house plant. (It's a long story.) We giggled over this a while, because we've both the maturity level of a couple of ten year olds, and after a time we were a little relieved (and strangely disappointed) that she wasn't going to make good on her threat.

At this point it was decided the only thing that could "salve Liss' soul" was gazing upon the Xanadouche. Its restorative powers are amazing, in case you didn't know.

Inspired as she was by Xanadouche, she lit upon a new and groundbreaking idea: Photoshopping me into a new movie poster every week. Pure genius.

And with that, allow me to present the first installment in that series.



Braveheart

p.s. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

Still Losing the Election

Well, sort of... Okay, not at all really. But still, this cracks me up:

Singer Jackson Browne has won his copyright battle against Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), getting an apology and an undisclosed sum of money from the 2008 presidential nominee for a pro-McCain Web video that appropriated the artist's hit song "Running On Empty."

The "Running On Empty" video was produced by the Ohio GOP, apparently without McCain's knowledge or input, and was intended to parody then-candidate Obama's suggestion that properly inflated tires could save gas. You remember that, don't you? It was an okay idea, as those things go (the inflating the tires, not making dumb web videos), but was largely scoffed because, well, I don't know.

Up next on the docket: Don Henley vs. Charles Devore (R-Karaoke Bar).

Radio Shakesville Rewind

Just a reminder, if you haven't caught the latest, or any, episode of the Radio Shakesville podcast, you should do so now. You can download them here, or on iTunes if you're so inclined. You can put them on your iPod or Zune and listen to them on the El or burn them to CD and listen to them in the car. Whatever. There are seven shows out, so you owe it to yourself to listen to at least one.

I'm always taking requests. Just call (641) 715-3900, extension 44515 and leave a message with my service. Of course, if you don't want to request anything, that's fine, you can always just call in tell me your crazy theories on Obama's birth certificate or why healthcare reform is imperative or why you hate Joe the Plumber or your erotic dreams featuring Dick Cheney. Or better yet, just tell me I'm an asshole like everyone else does.

I've embedded the shows below, should you want to give them a spin right now. I suggest playing them all at once so it sounds like the latest Einstürzende Neubauten CD. Are Einstürzende Neubauten still around? And why is it I'm the the only Shakesville contributor to ever mention Einstürzende Neubauten?

Enjoy!


Episode 1
It Started As An Accident
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Episode 2
Women Who Dare To Make Noise, Pt. 1:
This Woman’s Work
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Episode 3
Not Enough Time
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Episode 4
Blood, Graffiti and Spit
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Episode 5
There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
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Episode 6
Women Who Dare To Make Noise, Pt. 2:
Woman Power
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Episode 7
The Day The World Turned Day-Glo
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Your Daily Dose of Creepy

Check out this story about the "followers of a political religion that embraces elitism, disdains democracy, and pursues power for its members the better to 'advance the Kingdom'" known as the Family. If it sounds kind of scary, that's because it is. Creepy Christians who think they're above the law, and have their own twisted ethos known as "biblical capitalism."

Read it. Then maybe shower.

NUMBERS

Or, Good Luck and Bad

[Originally Aired March 2, 2005]

Finally, Hurley gets his flashback episode and he sits home on a Saturday night, in his work uniform for some place that looks like El Pollo Loco. His mom berates him for sitting around doing nothing when the lottery numbers come one and it turns out he's just become an instant millionaire. And then bad things start to happen. Grandpa Tito dies. His brother splits up with his wife. He buys mom a new house, but it burns down. Mom breaks her ankle. Hurley is arrested in a case of mistaken identity. He tells his mom the money is cursed, but she just scoffs. On the island, Hurley looks at the maps and notes Sayid stole from Rousseau and sees some numbers jotted down over and over. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. The same numbers he used to win the lottery. He's freaked out and determined to find Rousseau to ask her what they mean. In flashback, Hurley meets with his accountant, who was bad news. Or good, depending on one's point of view. One of the factories Hurley invested in burned down, eight people died, but the insurance payment results in a profit. In the gulf area hurricanes destroy more of Hurley's investments, but again the result is profit. Hurley is convinced the money is cursed, but his accountant scoffs. He also now owns a box factory in Tustin. His accountant asks where Hurley got his winning numbers. Hurley freaks out again and visits a mental hospital. He was a patient there once. He got the numbers from another patient. When Hurley tells him about winning with the number the guy wigs out and screams something about Sam Toomey in Australia before being carted off. Locke asks for Claire's help sawing some wood. She thinks he's building a trap or cage of some sort. Hurley heads into the jungle under the pretense of finding a Rousseau and asking her for a battery for a radio for Michael's raft. Sayid, Charlie and Jack Catch up with him just as he steps into one of Rousseau's traps. Luckily, he's able to get out the way and is unhurt. As he says, he's spry. They find a crude suspension bridge over a ravine and Hurley crosses it, then Charlie follows and it collapses but Charlie doesn't fall off. Jack and Sayid try to find a way around the ravine but alone the way trip another trap and blow up Rousseau's camp. Sayid realizes there is nothing in the camp, that she packed up and left it booby trapped for when Sayid, or whomever, returned. Meanwhile Charlie and Hurley wander the jungle until someone starts shooting at them. In Australia, Hurley visits Toomey's home, but finds out he's dead. Suicide his widow says. He used the numbers to win some money and that night they were in a car wreck and she lost her leg. From then on bad things happened, or so he thought. Toomey heard the numbers on a shortwave broadcast while in the navy. Hurley tells her the numbers are cursed, and she scoffs. Charlie and Hurley lose each other in the jungle, and then Hurley bumps into Rousseau. He asks her about the numbers. She says that's what the transmitter was originally broadcasting before she changed it to a distress call. He tells her the numbers are cursed, and she agrees. They are what they were investigating when their boat crashed. Hurley breaks down, finally someone agrees that there's a curse. He thanks her and gives her a hug. Claire tells Locke is is her birthday, and he shows her what they've been building: a cradle. Hurley finds Sayid and Jack and Charlie and gives them a battery Rousseau let him have. Later, Charlie tries to bond with Hurley by telling him he's a junky. Hurley responds by telling him he's a millionaire. Charlie thinks he's joking and storms off. The camera cuts to the hatch Boone and Locke found, and etched on its side are the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

...IN TRANSLATION

Or, Just Like Starting Over

[Originally Aired February 23, 2005]

Sun goes to the shore in her bikini but Jin freaks out, as he always does over her immodest displays of flesh. He drags her off the beach and she falls in the sand. Michael gets in Jin's face and the two shove each other a bit before Sun slaps Michael. Later, Jin asks Sun if she's fucking Michael. Flashback and Jin asks Sun's father for her hand in marriage. Jin says he dreams of owning a hotel/restaurant but takes a job working for her father instead. He also explains how his own father is dead. Michael's raft is coming along nicely. Sun later apologizes to Michael for slapping him, saying she did it to protect him from Jin. Michael tells Jack he's sold one of the seats on the boat to Sawyer in exchange for supplies. Jack disapproves. Sayid and Shannon get close, and by "get close" I mean "it totally looks like they're gonna do it soon." Sayid goes to Boone to tells him intentions and Boone gets all pissy (sister-fucking will do that to you) and tells him to be careful, she's just gonna use him. Sayid then goes back and tells Shannon they're through, even though they ain't even started. That night the raft burns down. Everyone assumes Jin did it to get back at Michael. Later, Sun finds Jin washing his burnt hands, and even she thinks maybe he did it. In Korea Jin is promoted to his father-in-law's special assistant. His first job is to tell some egghead from the government he is displeased. Jin goes by the man's house and for some reason Hurley is on the TV in the background and Jin passes along the message. The man gives Jin a puppy. The same puppy he gave to Sun a few episodes back. Shannon goes to confront Boone, but instead finds Locke, who gives her a very wise line of crap about starting over and basically tells her to stop giving two fucks what Boone thinks. Sawyer finds Jin in the jungle and kicks him in the head and ties him up and drags him back to the beach. Jin's father-in-law is now pissed because his plant is still closed under orders of the egghead. Jin now has to escort a killer back to the guy's house to finish him off. When they arrive, Jin intervenes and beats the shit out of the guy, and tells him the plant opens tomorrow. On the beach, Michael beats up Jin, until Sun screams out for him to stop. Everyone is shocked she can speak English, especially Jin. In Korea, Jin visits his father who wasn't dead, Jin was just ashamed of him for being a poor fisherman. He tells his father he wishes he and Sun could just get away and start over. His father tells him he should do just that, to just stay in America and begin his life over with his wife. Locke confronts Walt and asks him why he burned the raft. He says he is tired of moving and likes it on the island. In the caves, Sun asks Jin if they can just start over, but he says it is too late. Sayid and Shannon make out. The batteries go dead on Hurley's CD player. Sun goes to the beach in her bikini, a free woman.

OUTLAWS

Or, This Time It's Personal

[Originally Aired February 16, 2005]

Sawyer wakes with a boar in his tent. The beast scurries off into the jungle, taking Sawyer's tarp with him. He follows the beast, and when he finds himself alone in the jungle, he hears whispering. Freaked out, he asks Sayid about it, but when Sayid asks him why he wants to know, Sawyer refuses to say. Flashback again to the death of Sawyer's parents, then fast forward to grown up Sawyer returning to his hotel room where the T-1000 is waiting for him. Sawyer says he's gonna kill him for what he did, but the T-1000 has come to make it up to him. He has info on where the Original Sawyer is. Meanwhile, on the island, Sawyer wanders the jungle and is attacked by the boar again. Now Sawyer is really pissed. He grabs his gun and decides to find the creature and kill it. Kate follows him, and offers to track him in return for "carte blanche" with his stash of supplies. In Australia, Sawyer buys a gun and finds the Original Sawyer who now sells shrimp at a roadside stand. Kate and Sawyer camp out for the night. In one of the best scenes of the series so far, Kate and Sawyer get drunk and play a game of "I Never" and reveal a lot about themselves to each other. We find out they've both killed men. But back in Sydney, Sawyer is unable to shoot Original Sawyer and goes to a bar instead. Kate and Sawyer wake up and find the boar has peed all over Sawyer's stuff but left Kate's alone. Locke appears and tell another one of his poignant stories. I'm wondering, how many stories does this guy have anyway? Kate then finds the boar's nest, and Sawyer tortures one of the piglets (boarlets?) to attract the parent. Kate calls him sick and the baby escapes and Kate storms off. At the bar Sawyer drinks himself silly and talks with the only other patron: Jack's dad. The old man tell Sawyer he's meant to suffer, and says something about baseball and tells Sawyer to go face his problem. Sawyer returns to the shrimp stand, plugs Original Sawyer, and as he's dying he says he owed the T-1000 money and Sawyer realizes he's been conned into killing the wrong guy. Sawyer finds the boar and decides not to kill it. He returns to the camp and gives Jack his gun. Jack says something about baseball and Sawyer realizes the old man at the bar was Jack's father.

HOMECOMING

Or, Charlie Has Relationship Problems

[Originally Aired February 9, 2005]

Locke brings Claire back to the cave. She's okay but has no memory of he captivity with Ethan. In fact, she's no memory of the island at all, nor anything prior to the crash. Later Charlie and Jin wander through the jungle, and Charlie jabbers on and on to Jin even though he can't understand a word being said. Ethan attacks them, slinging a rock at Jin and knocking him on his ass, then Ethan tells Charlie that if they don't bring Claire back to him he'll kill one survivor a day until they comply. In flashbackland Charlie is a junky has-been rock star. His friend sets him up with a rich girl so they can steal and pawn her father's stuff. Charlie sees one of Winston Churchill's cigarette cases at her home and plans to steal it. But Charlie starts to really like the girl and then her dad offers him a job selling copiers. On the island, a perimeter is set up around the beach: torches, guards, noisy booby traps. Claire asks Charlie what is going on, but he doesn't tell her about Ethan's threat. Boone falls asleep on his watch. At sun-up a survivor hasn't survived. He has lots of broken bones. Everyone realizes the shoreline was not secured and Ethan came in from the water. Charlie, meanwhile, detoxes and gets sick at his first copier sales presentation. Later he visits the girl and tries to explain, but she tells him how the paramedics found Churchill's cigarette case in his pocket. She asks him why he took the job, and he says he wanted to be respectable, that he wanted to prove that he could take care of her. She tells him he'll never take care of anybody before slamming the door in his face. Claire finds out about the threat and gets pissed at Charlie for lying to her. Jack decides to unlock the pistols and use Claire as bait to capture Ethan. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke and Sayid head into the jungle with Claire, hoping to lure Ethan into the open. It works and Jack beats the crap out of Ethan. Then Charlie appears and grabs Jack's pistol and shoots Ethan to death. Everyone is pissed at Charlie now because he's ruined their chances of learning more info. Not that Ethan seemed the chatty type. Anyway, Charlie says he deserved to die for what he'd done. Later, Claire remembers the peanut butter he gave her in exchange for moving to the caves.

Radio Shakesville

It's our biggest, most exciting show yet! Or something. It's definitely our longest. For whatever that is worth. Get it here. Or here. Or via iTunes. Or try the player below.


Radio Shakesville
On this show I play some requests and dedications and other fun stuff. I also get called an asshole, so go ahead and download it for that reason alone.

Speaking of requests, I've noticed we've been getting more calls from men than women, generally speaking. Maybe we can change that. In other words, don't by shy, Shaker Women! Call in. The number is (641) 715-3900, extension: 44515.

As always, a complete list of songs used in this show is here.

SPECIAL

Or, The Father and Son Episode

[Originally Aired January 19, 2005]

Michael and Walter get their flashback on, and we find out that Michael and the boy's mother were not married. He gave up his art career (shades of Claire's relationship here) and found work in construction. Meanwhile she's become a high-powered lawyer and is eventually offered a job in Amsterdam. She leaves with infant Walt, and Michael is devastated. Later Michael and Susan argue on the phone and a distracted Michael gets hit by a cab. Ouch. He spends a year in rehab. Susan comes to visit him, alone, and tells him she's getting married. On the island, Locke teaches Walt how to throw knives. Michael is again annoyed with Locke and tells him to stay away from his boy. Michael waves a knife in Locke's face and so Boone wrassles him to the ground. Boone is very protective of Locke. Michael decides he's gonna build a raft to escape the island. Most everyone thinks that's a foolish idea. Walt doesn't want to help, he'd rather read his Spanish comic book. Note, there's a oso polar in the comic. In frustration, Michael throws the comic into the fire. In flashback, Susan and her husband and Walt have moved to Australia, but on this afternoon she's feeling a little ill. Walt is reading about birds and while doing so a bird smacks into the window and dies. On the island Walt goes missing. Michael gets in Locke's face and asks where the boy is. Locke doesn't know, he told Walt to stop hanging around him. Charlie gets Claire's diary from Sawyer and starts reading it. He finds passages about a recurring dream of a black rock. Sayid mentions there is a black rock on the maps he took from Rousseau. Maybe it means something. Michael and Locke head into the jungle to find Walt. They hear him screaming and they hear some growling. Another polar bear! The beast has Walt trapped. Susan dies, and her husband tells Michael he can have the kid. Michael figures out the husband doesn't want Walt because he's "different." Michael gets in his face and says he's the only father the boy has ever known. Despite wanting to be in the boy's life, Michael knows that losing both his mother and surrogate father is too much for the boy. Nonetheless, Michael heads to Australia to pick him up. Walt's nanny gives Michael a small box. Michael opens it and discovers all the letters and cards he sent to his son. Susan never gave them to Walt, but kept them. Meanwhile Michael is able to save Walt from the polar bear. He is grateful for Locke having helped him find his boy. Later, Michael give Walt the box of letters. Boone and Locke head into the jungle to look for Walt's dog. While on their search they instead find Claire.

HEARTS AND MINDS

Or, The Monster Rears Its Ugly Head

[Originally Aired January 12, 2005]

Boone and Shannon get their flashback episode. Shannon calls Boone, begs him to come get her in Sydney. She's in an abusive relationship. Boone come to see her but she rebuffs him. Boone goes to the cops, but they refuse to do anything. While at the police station, Sawyer is brought in in cuffs. Later Boone tries to pay off the abusive boyfriend to leave, giving him fifty thousand dollars. On the island, Boone tells Sayid to stay away from him sister.Boone and Locke return to the hatch, but cannot figure out how to open it. Locke tells a story about Michelangelo. Boone want to tell his sister about the hatch and feels like a turd for lying about hunting. Locke asks if that's what he really wants, and when Boone says yes, Locke bonks him over the head. Hurley has a bad case of the shits, Jack tells him to eat some protein. There is no more boar. So Hurley tries to catch some fish. He asks Jin for help but Jin is still holding a grudge because he wouldn't eat his urchin. Hurley sucks at fishing. Then he steps on an urchin and begs Jin to piss on his foot. Jin refuses, but feeds him urchin. Hurley pukes. Sun and Kate start a garden and Kate figures out Sun can speak English. Locke bumps into Sayid in the jungle. Sayid is trying to make sense of Rousseau's maps. Locke gives Sayid his compass. Later, Sayid shows Jack the compass and the two agree it doesn't point north. Boone wakes up and finds himself tied up. Locke sets a knife in front of him then dresses his head wound with some goop from a tree. Locke tells him he'll free himself when he finds the proper motivation. Back in Sydney, Boone realizes his sister has conned him, and has done it several times. Later she arrives at his hotel room and tell him her boyfriend scrammed with the money. Then the two fuck. Incest. Nice. Back on the island Boone awakens and hears Shannon screaming for help. He manages to free himself and then finds and unties her. Then the monster attacks. The two flee. The thing uproots trees. It sounds like an elephant. Is it an elephant? The monster grabs Shannon and carries her off. Boone chases and find his sister all chewed up. She dies. Jin gives Hurley one of his fish. Boone returns to camp and is about to gut Locke when he sees his sister. She's not dead. Boone realizes the goop on his head was a hallucinogen and the whole monster thing wasn't real. Locke asks Boone how he felt when his sister died. "I was relieved."

WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE

Or, You're Fucking Kidding Me, Right?

[Originally Aired January 5, 2005]

I'm telling you right now this episode irritated me. More flashbacks for Kate. (And still none for Hurley.) She's in a bank applying for a loan. While chatting with the bank manager a crew of robbers bust in and start getting all crazy with their automatic weapons. A do-gooder intervenes and a gun goes flying. Kate picks it up but is unable to get the safety disengaged and gets dragged off by one of the robbers. Meanwhile, on the island, Kate and Sawyer frolic in a newly discovered lagoon. While doing some cliff diving they discover some dead passengers, still in their seats, at the bottom of the water. Also, they find a bitchin' eighties-style silver drug dealer suitcase. Kate tells Sawyer it's hers but then gives it to him after she can't get it open. Shannon asks Boone what he and Locke are up to. She asks is Locke is Boone's new boyfriend. Boone gives her a look and I am not sure what it means? Is Boone a homo? Boone calls her useless. Again. In the bank, it turns out Kate is in on the robbery. Not a huge surprise. On the island, she tries to steal the briefcase from Sawyer. Which annoys me. Seriously, why did she give him the briefcase to begin with if she wanted it? She should have just kept it. Sawyer makes Kate an offer, he'll give her the briefcase if she just tells him what is in it. She refuses. In the bank, Kate double crosses the robbers and shoots them all. Then she forces the bank manager to open a safe deposit box. She snatches a small, lumpy envelope from the box. The robbery was a ruse to get to the safe deposit box. Sayid asks Shannon to help him translate the writing on Rousseau's maps. It's mostly gibberish. Or she is a shit translator. One or the other. She also says it all seems so familiar. Kate steals the briefcase back from Sawyer and tells Jack it belonged to the marshal and it contained guns. The key to it is in the marshal's wallet. So she and Jack dig him up. He's kind of grody. Kate tries to palm the key but Jack doesn't fall for it. He opens the briefcase and finds the guns and the envelope Kate took from the bank. Inside the envelope is a tiny toy plane. Seriously? She robbed a bank for a tiny toy plane? What the fuck. Jack asked her about it. It belonged to the man she loved. The man she killed. Wevs. I am so not buying this. Rose reappears and helps Charlie rediscover his faith. Shannon realizes what the writing was: the lyrics to "Beyond the Sea."

ALL THE BEST COWBOYS HAVE DADDY ISSUES

Or, Where The Sidewalk Ends

[Originally Aired December 8, 2004]

Okay, two things. First off, Jack gets another flashback show and Hurley hasn't even had one? Wevs. Secondly, what happened to Rose? I assumed she was a major character, but I guess not. She hasn't been on in weeks. Anyway, Jack gets more flashbacks which add up to a patient of his dying on the operating table. Turns out he had to jump in and take over for Dad who was so drunk he fatally wounded the patient but Jack was unable to save her. Jack covers for his dad but feels like a tool for doing so. Jack, Kate, Locke, and Boone head into the jungle to search for Ethan, Charlie and Claire. Michael feels like kind of a douche because they won't let him come along. After tracking them for some time, the path splits, so Locke and Boone head one way, and Jack and Kate head another. Locke pulls more of his crazy ass Great White Hunter shit by telling Boone it will start to rain in sixty seconds. It does and Boone gets freaked out/awed. Jack and Kate get caught in the storm and Jack falls down a hill and gets his shit all fucked up. At the caves, Sawyer comes to confront Sayid and maybe get some revenge. All they end up doing is chatting though, and Sayid confesses he's not sure there are other people out there. Maybe he just heard the wind. While Jack is lying in the mud, Ethan shows up and tells him he will kill one of his prisoners if they don't stop following him. Then he beats Jack up, further fucking up his shit. It's worth noting that the squirrelly looking Ethan is something of a ninja badass. Later Kate finds Jack and doesn't really believe he was attacked (reminiscent of Jack's early reaction to the attack on Claire). Jack is determined to not let Ethan get away with kidnapping the two survivors and continues on the trail despite Ethan's threat. They find Charlie hanged from a tree. They cut him down but he is dead. In flashback, Jack hears that the woman who died was pregnant, so rats out his dad for being soused. Jack performs CPR until Charlie is revived. That night, Boone and Locke discover a giant metal hatch in the jungle floor.

RAISED BY ANOTHER

Or, Claire's Baby

[Originally Aired December 1, 2004]

Clair has a Very Bad Dream. She wakes up screaming and freaks everyone out. In her flashback, Claire just found out she was pregnant. She's frantic, unsure what to do. Her artist boyfriend suggests she move into his loft and start family with him. For kicks, I guess, Claire visits a psychic to find out about the baby, but he freaks her out and refuses to do her reading. Back on the island, Claire wakes up the next night screaming again. She says she was attacked and someone was trying to hurt her baby. In the confusion, Hurley realizes he doesn't know who belongs up at the caves and who is supposed to be down and the beach and decides to conduct a census. Hurley finds out Locke is from Tustin, and he meets some guy named Ethan picking coconuts. Jack thinks Claire wasn't attacked at all that she's just having anxiety dreams, common with pregnancy. Charlie offers to be Claire's friend, but she rejects him. In flashbacks, Claire's boyfriend leaves her, unable to deal with the pregnancy. She returns to the psychic. He tells her that she must raise the baby. If anyone else raises the child it will be Very Bad. She wants to give the baby up for adoption. He spends months begging her not to. Not sure what will be bad if he is raised by someone else. Will he become the next Hitler? Someone tells Hurley to get the manifest from the plane, and then he can finish his census. Bad news is Sawyer has the manifest. Hurley asks him for it, and surprisingly Sawyer gives it up without asking anything in return. Jack tries to give Kate some Xanax to mellow her out. She gets pissed and storms off back toward the beach. Charlie follows her. She starts having contractions. Charlie heads back to get Jack. On the way he runs into Ethan and sends him for Jack before returning to Claire. While signing the adoption papers to give her baby up, the pens keep running out of ink. A sign if there ever was one. She flees and meets the psychic. He puts her on the doomed flight. On the island she realizes that he knew all along the plane would crash, and put her on it to guarantee she'd have to look after the baby herself. Meanwhile, Hurley has discovered that someone on the island isn't on the manifest. Sayid returns and tells everyone, "We're not alone." Claire and Charlie meet up with Ethan again in the jungle.

SOLITARY

Or, What Goes Around Comes Around

[Originally Aired November 17, 2004]

Sayid's big flashback moment reveals he used to torture infidels for the Iraqi army. His newest prisoner is an old childhood friend, a woman named Nadia. She has been tortured before and will tell Sayid nothing. Back on the island, Sayid finds a cable leading from the beach into the jungle. He follows it into the jungle and is snagged in a trap. Sayid wakes to find himself tied to a bed, someplace with electricity, His captor asks "Where is Alex?" repeatedly. When he can't answer sufficiently he is shocked. The torturer has become the tortured. Sayid tells his captor he is the survivor of a plane crash and he came looking for the source of the distress signal. His captor reveals herself as the voice on the recording. Her name is Rousseau. She tells him her boat crashed and she and some others were stranded on the island. When they became sick she killed them all. Sick with what? She also tells him there are other people on the island, she can hear them whispering in the jungle, and she seems to think he is one of them. Meanwhile, Hurley salvages some golf clubs and balls and builds a two-hole course. The course proves a good distraction and stress reliever for the survivors. Sawyer tries being nice for a change. Back in Iraq, Sayid is told to execute Nadia, but instead helps her escape. Meanwhile, there is growling outside Rousseau's burrow, and she runs off to confront whatever is outside. Sayid escapes, taking her maps. Rousseau captures him again in the jungle, but decides to free him. He asks who Alex is, and she tells him he is her son. Sayid runs into the jungle, and as he does, he hears whispering.

CONFIDENCE MAN

Or, A Bad Day For Sawyer

[Originally Aired November 10, 2004]

Flashback to Sawyer humping some woman. He tells he loves her and then rushes out to a meeting. While he's on the way out his briefcase opens up and $150K in cash tumbles out. Oops. Is he some sort of drug dealer? No, he explains it's for an investment. And his partner is ponying up the other half soon, and it's a guaranteed return of 300% in two weeks. The woman suggests Sawyer ditch his partner and she'll have her husband kick in other $150K. Oh, okay, he's a con man. Just like the title of the ep. Back on the beach, Sawyer has a naked swim then flirts with Kate. Sawyer catches Boone rifling through his stash of pilfered goods. He beats up Boone. Boone tells everyone he was looking for Shannon's inhalers, because her other ran out and she's having asthmatic attacks without it. Kate asks for the inhalers and Sawyer says he will for a kiss. She calls him a turd but says he's a human under that gruff exterior. She's seen him reading a letter and looking forlorn. He shows her the letter. It's from a kid who says Sawyer humped his mom and took dad's money so dad killed mom and himself and now the kid plans to find Sawyer and give him this letter. Sawyer's a real tool. And he looks stupid with his hair all slicked back in the flashbacks. It is still a mystery who bonked Sayid over the head and destroyed his transceiver. Jack and Sayid decide to make Jack tell them where the inhalers are. So they abduct Sawyer and tie him up and torture him. Sayid shoves bamboo under Sawyer's fingernails. Eventually Sawyer cracks and says he'll tell Kate where the inhalers are. When Kate arrives he tells her she still owes him a kiss. After some hot tongue action, Sawyer confesses he doesn't have the inhalers, that he never did. Sayid decides to torture Sawyer some more but he breaks free and there is a fight. Sawyer is stabbed, and an artery is hit. Jack saves his life. Kate figures out that the letter was actually written by Sawyer as a kid, and that Sawyer became a con man just like the guy who bilked his parents. She also realizes he is so filled with self-loathing he needs to be hated by everyone. Sun whips up an herbal remedy of eucalyptus leaves and helps Shannon get better. Sayid, filled with shame over torturing Sawyer heads into exile and leaves to survey and map the island.

THE MOTH

Or, Charlie Needs Smack

[Originally Aired November 3, 2004]

Charlie's flashback: In confession, his sin: a hot three-way with groupies. He wants to quit the band, but his older brother talks him into staying, they've just been signed. Sayid has three triangulators rigged up. They just need to get the timing sorted. Good thing they've fireworks and can send each other signals once they've got their antenna planted. Locke uses Charlie as bait to catch a boar. Charlie asks Locke for his smack back. Locke tells him he won't give it to him now, but will if he asks three times. He then shows Charlie a moth cocoon and tells him how it's struggle to free itself makes it strong enough to survive. Later Charlie and Jack argue in a cave and the roof collapses. Jack is trapped. Sayid and Kate head into the jungle to set up their antenna; they leave Boone to cover the one on the beach. Word of the cave-in reaches the beach, so Michael and Boone and others run off to help. Boone leaves the triangulator in Shannon's control. Will Shannon fuck it up? Sawyer heads into the jungle to tell Kate about Jack's accident. When he meets up with Sayid and Kate, Kate insults him, so he keeps his secret. Charlie really wants his heroin. Michael finds the safest place to dig Jack out. Charlie is feeling useless so he volunteers to climb through the hole and rescue Jack. Back in the jungle, finally alone with her, Sawyer tells Kate that Jack is dead. She runs off to the cave, leaving Sawyer to cover the triangulator. Will Sawyer fuck it up? Charlie makes it to Jack, but there is another cave in and the two are trapped. Flashback again, and Charlie was in Australia trying to put the band back together. His older brother is clean now and living life as a pretty suburbanite. Sayid, Sawyer, and Shannon shoot their rockets off and Sayid fires up the triangulator, just as he is about to get a bead on the signal, he is clubbed over the head. In the cave, Charlie sees a moth in the cave and digs his way out to safety. Will his struggle make him strong enough to survive? Next time he sees Locke he asks for his smack, then throws it in the fire.

HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN

Or, Sun-Hwa Surprise

[Originally Aired October 27, 2004]

This is the second episode in a row named after a crappy song from the Sixties. If this keeps up I am so through with this show. Jin-Soo beats the shit out of Michael on the beach. Sayid and Sawyer break up the fight and cuff Jin to some wreckage. No one knows why Jin attacked Michael, what with the language barrier and all, but Michael blames it on Koreans not liking Blacks. Later, via subtitles, Jin calls Michael a thief. Jack and Kate and Locke and Charlie head back inland to get fresh water for the rest of the survivors. Sun gets her flashbacks and we discover she and Jin were in love, and she was a rich girl and Jin a servant back in Korea. Jin convinces her father to let them marry, but in the deal he must work for her father. This displeases Sun. He spends longer and longer hours at work and one night comes home, literally, with blood on his hands. He's agreed to do whatever her father asks, and that is apparently some pretty dastardly shit. Jin showers Sun with gifts, including a puppy, but she misses simpler times when he wasn't a thug and would just give her flowers. Back inland the trekkers find the water, in a grotto, and the remains of more wreckage. Meanwhile, Charlie wanders off to snort more smack but stumbles into a beehive, and Locke tries to save him but shit happens and they all must flee the swarm. Stumbling back to the grotto, two bodies are found. Dead 40 to 50 years, maybe. Jack concludes taking twenty-plus gallons of water to the beach everyday is more trouble than it's worth, plus the surroundings make an easily defendable position, and would make a better camp. Kate and Jack head back to the beach while Charlie and Locke look through the wreckage for anything of value. Back on the beach, Jack and Sayid disagree over moving. The camp is split into those who want to maintain the signal fire and those who want to stay someplace safer. More flashbacks as we see Sun was on the brink of leaving her husband and heading underground to escape him and her father's clutches. She changes her mind at the last minute and ends up on the plane with him. On the island she approaches Michael and asks him for help, in English. Michael gives the watch he found to Jin (it belonged to Sun's father) and frees him. Inland Locke tells Charlie he knows who he is and that his second album was kind of shitty and that he needs to quit the heroin. Locke convinces him the island will magically give him his guitar if he gives the island his smack. It's true. Charlie hands over the smack and Locke reveals the location of the guitar. I hope he doesn't break a string. Jack brings Hurley and some others to the grotto, while Kate and Sayid and Sawyer stay on the beach. (N.B. Boone, Claire, Shannon, and Rose do not appear in this episode.)

WHITE RABBIT

Or, Jack's Daddy Issues

[Originally Aired October 20, 2004]

Jack gets lots of flashbacks this ep and we discover his parents are kind of assholes. Daddy's a drunk who tells him he's not cut out to be a leader. Back on the beach, one of the anonymous 30 other passengers is sucked out to deep water by a riptide (the natural phenomenon, not the awesome TV show starring Perry King.) Boone tries to save her, but Jack ends up saving Boone. The woman drowns. Everyone is glum. Jack again sees the mystery man, this time standing in the waves, and no one else sees him, so he's either a hallucination or a ghost. The survivors are low on water. Boone gets in Jack's face about the drowned woman, and it's clear he wants to be in charge now. "I own a business!" he screams. I thought he was a lifeguard. Sawyer reads "Watership Down" and tries to sell Shannon a can of Off for five grand. Someone steals the remaining water. Jack sees the mystery man again and chases him into the jungle, where he nearly falls off a cliff, but Locke saves him. The mystery man is Jack's father. Tension mounts on the beach over the water. Kate and Sayid follow Sawyer into the jungle, thinking he'll lead them to the water. All he has is cigarettes and other light contraband. Sawyer gives Kate the marshal's badge, dubbing her the new sheriff in town. Or on the island. Locke tells Jack to search out the hallucination, because everything on the island has a reason. Jack follows his father and finds more wreckage and a source of fresh water. Another flashback reveals Jack's father ran off to Sydney and drank himself to death. So maybe it's not a hallucination, but a ghost. Jack finds his coffin among the wreckage, but it is empty. What's up with that? Jin looks after Sun, but it's apparent she doesn't care for him at all. Must be newlyweds. Turns out Boone pinched the water, for safekeeping apparently, but now everyone hates him. Jack returns from the jungle and accepts his role as leader.

Dramatis Personæ

I'm making a list of the characters. Here goes.

Jack: A doctor and designated good guy. Saves lives, breaks up fights, performs the occasional mercy killing.

Kate: A fugitive on the run.

Hurley: Resident Everyman.

Charlie: Heroin addicted musician. Has an accent.

Sayid: Former Iraqi soldier. Good with electronics, maps, and soldiery stuff. Also has an accent.

Sawyer: Scoundrel and tough guy. Maybe. Seems only intersted in self-preservation. Also has an accent.

Locke: Was a parapelegic prior to the crash. Taking advantage of newfound mobility.

Walt: Boy who recently lost his mother and has been reunited with his estranged father.

Mike: Walt's estranged father.

Shannon: Poor little rich girl.

Boone: Her lifeguard brother. The two constantly bicker.

Claire: Very pregnant woman. Also has an accent.

Rose: Saved by Jack. Was travelling with husband who was presumed killed in crash. Is aloof.

Jin-Soo: Domineering and abusive husband. Speaks no English.

Sun-Hwa: His timid wife. She does not love her huband.

WALKABOUT

Or, How Locke Got His Groove Back

[Originally Aired October 13, 2004]

Moments after the crash, Locke lies in the sand and wiggles his toes. Cut to the present and Walt's dog is barking. At what? Strange noises from the fuselage. Is it the monster? Dr. Jack and Sawyer investigate. Boars! (But not boors or Boers.) They're feeding on the dead. Dr. Jack suggests burning them. Part sanitation, part signal fire. Sayid rigs up some triangulators, hoping to find the source of the broadcast. If it really has been beaming out for 16 years there must be a pretty big battery somewhere. Locke's flashbacks: He's a shitty job, and a bully of a boss. He likes to play war games. His girlfriend is a phone sex operator. He's planned a trip to Australia for a walkabout tour. Everyone tells him it's too dangerous, especially for a man in his condition. On the beach, the food has run out, except for the peanuts Sawyer has hoarded. It's time to hunt and gather. Shannon makes a bet with her Brother that she's not completely helpless and can catch a fish. She suckers Charlie into catching one for her. Charlie is low on heroin. Locke, Kate, and Mike trek into the jungle to kill a boar for food. Rose, the woman Dr. Jack saved in the first ep has gone catatonic on the beach. Everyone expects Dr. Jack to help her. Dr. Jack is growing resentful of everyone expecting him to be heroic. Like Brian Eno said, it's such a burden to be relied on. In the jungle, Mike is gored. But it's just in the leg, not someplace bad like the groin or lungs. Locke is separated from Mike and Kate. Kate climbs a tree to plant one of Sayid's triangulators, but drops it when the monster comes stomping back. Locke comes face to face with the monster but later lies about it. Why does everyone lie so much on this island? On the beach, Dr. Jack sees someone in the distance, someone dressed in a black suit. Is that a hallucination? Kate and Mike return to the beach, and everyone believes Locke is dead. Until he shows up with a boar. There is a memorial service at the fuselage, and everyone attends except Dr. Jack who has a problem with God, apparently. Locke gets one last flashback where we see he was in a wheelchair prior to the crash. Then moments after the crash, Locke lies in the sand and wiggles his toes.

TABULA RASA

Or, Everyone Gets A Fresh Start

[Originally Aired October 6, 2004]

The walkabout gang heads back down the hill as night falls. They make camp, fearing whatever is in the jungle. More flashbacks for Kate. They are: She wakes up in some Bruce's barn. Bruce offers her a job, seeing she's desperate and on the run. Some months later he turns her in for the reward. There's a car chase. And a crash. Kate saves Bruce from the wreckage, which gets her pinched by the marshal. Back on the island Dr. Jack and Hurley find out Kate was the prisoner. Dr. Jack tries to save the marshal's life, but he's not going to make it. Kate suggests putting him out of his misery, probably for obvious reasons. The father asks his boy (Walt) what the crazy man told him. "He said a miracle happened to him." His name is Locke: see episode title for reference. Locke carves a whistle. Sayid organizes the survivors into teams, one responsible for gathering rain water, one for rationing food, the third for scavenging electronic. If they can gather enough electronics, maybe they can boost the transceiver's signal. Kate tells Dr. Jack about the outgoing message. The father wanders the jungle looking for Walt's dog. There is something out there, sounds like a boar. He scurries back to the beach. The marshal tells Dr. Jack not to trust Kate, and before he dies asks to see her alone. Dr. Jack leaves the two alone, then there is a gunshot. Sawyer walks out of the tent, having put the marshal out of his misery. Or so he thought. He missed the marshal's heart, hit the lung. He'll take hours to bleed to death. Despite projecting an image of being the resident badass, Sawyer is obviously shaken by what's happened. Dr. Jack is forced to choke the marshal, ending his misery. Locke uses his whistle to call Walt's dog in from the jungle. Locke lets Walt's dad (I need to find out his name) take credit for finding the dog. Kate tells Dr. Jack she wants to let him know what she did to get arrested. He tells her he doesn't want to know. Everyone gets a fresh start, is his way of looking at it.

PILOT - PART 2

Or, What The Hell Is THAT Doing Here?

[Originally Aired September 29, 2004]

Dr. Jack, Kate and Charlie head back to the beach, and along the way Charlie gets his flashback. It was a shoe full of smack that had him scurrying from the crew. He was trying to flush his stash when the plane fell apart. Back on the island, a boy wanders the jungle, leash in hand. I guess I was wrong about that dog. His dad is Augustus Hill from Oz, but he's not in a wheelchair in this show. The kid finds some handcuffs, and dad finds him. There must have been a prisoner on the plane. Back on the beach, Sayid (a former Iraqi Republican Guard) and Sawyer (a current redneck) are duking it out in the sand. Sawyer thinks Sayid blew up the plane. Dr. Jack, Kate and Charlie arrive, break up the fight, but don't mention the monster and confess the transceiver is busted. Sayid volunteers to fix it, much to Sawyer's dismay. Meanwhile an Asian man and his wife (whom is treated more like property than a partner by her spouse (of course, that he's her spouse is just something I am assuming)) scour the tide pools for urchins. Uni's on the menu, but no one is biting. Except the pregnant woman. The urchin causes her baby to kick, a very good sign. Meanwhile, a young, prettyish lifeguard and his sister bicker. Her belief that help is on the way is beginning to waver, and her time spent polishing her nails and sunbathing has left her feeling a bit useless. Sayid informs everyone the transceiver is fixed, but there is no signal, not at sea level. Sayid, Kate, Lifeguard, Sis (was her name Shannon?), Sawyer, and Charlie all trek to higher ground, looking for a signal. They bicker and hike until something growls in the jungle. "It's coming this way." Everyone flees in the opposite direction, except Sawyer. When the lumbering beast gets near he pulls out a pistol and shoots it dead. It's a polar bear. In the South Pacific? Huh. The old bemused guy teaches the boy about backgammon and asks "Want to hear a secret?" The walkabout party wants to know where Sawyer got the gun. They seem less concerned why there's a fucking polar bear on the island. Most are convinced he's the escaped prisoner, though he claims to have found the gun on another passenger. Dr. Jack with the help of Hurley, the big haired guy, operates on a shrapnelly passenger. Kate gets her flashback and we find out she was the prisoner. Back on the island, the patient wakes up and we see he's the marshal escorting Kate. "Where is she?!" he gasps. Up the mountain, trying to get a signal. And they've found one. But it's not incoming, it's outgoing. Someone is broadcast from the island. It's a loop. In French, followed by a count of how many times the message has been beamed out. Shannon translates, proving herself not so useless after all. "Help me. I'm all alone. It killed them all." It's been repeating for 16 years, 5 months.

PILOT - PART 1

Or, How Kate Learns Not To Be Afraid

[Originally Aired September 22, 2004]

A dog awakens Jack. He pulls himself up from the jungle floor and stumbles to the beach. He looks around and finds himself in the midst of chaos. Wreckage of a plane crash. Flames, carnage, blood, survivors. Jack turns out the be a doctor and immediately gets all heroic saving lives. A pregnant woman is there. And a guy with big hair. And so is Merry Brandybuck. There's also a very weird guy who seems slightly bemused by everything. Dr. Jack then spends some quiet time with a woman named Kate after he gives her a pep talk and an impromptu lesson on stitches. Dr. Jack tells Kate he doesn't allow fear to control him. He allows himself five seconds of fear then switches it off. Flashback to the plane ride, moments before the crash. Merry scurries down the aisle pursued by an air hostess. Dr. Jack befriends a woman, someone he later would save (in an earlier scene.) There's turbulence; masks drop from the ceiling. Back on the beach, night falls, and things get weird. Noise, from inland. Big noise! Like giant monster big. For a moment I wonder if they crashed onto Jurassic Park. Something pounds and shrieks out there and the trees sway. In the morning Dr. Jack , Kate, and Merry (who is really named Charlie and is not a Hobbit but a rock star) head inland in search of the plane's cockpit and, hopefully, its transceiver. As they trundle through the jungle, toward smoke presumed from more wreckage, the dog watches. Was the dog on the plane too? Not likely, I think. The three find the fore section of the fuselage and another survivor. Capt. Exposition explains that they were 1000 miles off course at the time of the crash, and any rescue operations would be nowhere in the vicinity. Suddenly the noise begins again, and something very big is outside the cockpit. I'd almost swear it was a T. Rex. Or a Sasquatch. Except it's too big to be a Sasquatch. Unless it's an irradiated Sasquatch, like in those giant ant movies from the Fifties. Whatever it is, it snatches the pilot from the plane. There is a lot of blood. I guess he's not a series regular. Dr. Jack, Kate and Charlie flee, and along the way Charlie trips and falls. I don't think he was wearing high heels, by the way. Dr. Jack performs more heroics and saves Charlie. Kate finds herself alone and afraid. So she counts to five and pushes the fear aside. Once she's reunited with Dr. Jack and Charlie, they find the pilot. He looks as if he's been chewed up and spat out. "What could do that?" Charlie asks.

Lost in the Supermarket

Somehow my BFF has totally conned me into watching Lost. I've managed to avoid the show for nigh on five years now, but am heading right into the breach. Here's what happened: I was going on about how awesome a show Dexter was and ended up making a dumb ass deal. I'd agree to watch Lost if she agreed to check out Dexter. And why is this a dumb ass deal? Because she's got two season, 12 eps each to view. I've got five fuckin' seasons at 20+ episodes each. She's got to watch less than 25 shows and I forced to wade through over a hundred. Wevs. This show better be good.