Or, The Numbers
In the jungle, the smoke monster turns into Locke and picks up a machete. He chops a rope and bundle holding Alpert falls from the trees. Locke asks Alpert to come with him. Alpert refuses. Near some trees Locke sees a blonde boy standing, covered in blood. Alpert can't see him. The boy disappears. Locke says he'll see Alpert later. In L.A., Locke arrives home from the airport. He tries to exit his van but the elevator gets stuck halfway down. So he decides to roll off. But gets dumped out of his chair, falling in the grass. Then the sprinklers come on. Poor, hapless Locke. Helen helps him in (and I guess they're not broken up now) and they talk about their wedding plans. Beneath the statue, Ilana asks Ben what happened to her friends. He tells her the smoke monster killed them. He says Locke killed Jacob and threw him in the fire. Then he burned up. Ilana grabs a handful of Jacob's ash and puts it in a sack. Locke returns to his job in Tustin and his boss asks how the conference went. Locke says it was swell. Then his boss says he knows he skipped the conference and fires him. Ouch. Poor, hapless Locke. In the jungle, Locke visits Sawyer who is busy drinking himself to death. Sawyer asks who he is, he can tell he's not Locke. Locke says hell tell him everything, if he just comes with him. "I guess I better put on some pants then," says Sawyer. The two head into the jungle and see the blonde boy again. Sawyer sees him too. The boy tells Locke he can't break the rules. Locke says "don't tell me what I can't do!" While Locke is distracted talking to the boy, Alpert appears and tells Sawyer to come to the Temple with him. He says Locke wants to kill everyone on the island. Sawyer tells Alpert to get lost. In Tustin, Locke wheels himself to his van, but can't get the elevator down because someone has parked their Hummer too close. Locke pounds on the Hummer and sets off the alarm. Hurley comes out and asks what's the deal. Locke complains about his parking job and Hurley wonders why he didn't park in the handicapped spot. Locke says he doesn't need a handicapped spot. Hurley finds out Locke has been fired and says Locke's boss is a douche and then tells him to call this temp agency he owns and they'll give him a new job. At the statue, Sun says they need to bur Locke's body, so they carry him to the graveyard at the beach. At the temp agency, Locke is asked what kind of animal he relates to. Locke gets pissed and asks to see the supervisor. It's Rose. Locke asks for a job in construction and Rose gives him a lecture. She tells him he has cancer but she's accepted it and has got on with her life. She gets Locke a job as a substitute teacher. In the teachers' lounge, he meets Ben who whines about the coffee pot. Locke asks if he has any Earl Grey. Ben is ecstatic. At the graveyard, they bury Locke and Ilana asks if anyone wants to say anything. Ben gives a eulogy, saying he was a better man than him and apologized for murdering him. Damn. Poor, hapless, dead Locke. Meanwhile, Locke and Sawyer reach a cliff over the ocean and find a rickety ladder leading down. The climb down, and Sawyer almost falls. They end up in a cave near the water. There is a table with a scale holding one black rock and one white rock, perfectly balanced. Locke grabs the white rock and chucks it into the water. He lights a torch and leads Sawyer into the dark. On the walls of the cave are hundreds of names. All have numbers next to them. Most are scratched out. Except; 4-Locke, 8-Hurley, 15-Sawyer, 16-Sayid, 23-Shephard, 42-Kwon. What? The fuck? Locke says they're all candidates. Candidates to take Jacob's place as caretaker of the island. Locke crosses out his own name. He says Sawyer can do one of three things. He can do nothing and see how it plays out. He can take over for Jacob. Or, he can help Locke get off the island. Let's get the fuck out of here, Sawyer says.