Monday, February 22, 2010

Criswell Predicts Pt. 1

[I, Criswell, the great Criswellian, present to you, humble reader, the complete text of my best-seller Criswell Predicts: From Now to the Year 2000, in five parts, for your amazement and enjoyment.]


I wasn't always Criswell Predicts: Once I was Baby Criswell!

And even then, I was interested in the future!

I was born on a Sunday, August 18th, when the church bells were ringing, and was the first child on both sides of the family, and bask-d in the spotlight, which I never gave up. They thought I would be a Cardinal or a Governor.

I scribbled on the walls, floors, and papers, and did not talk until I was four. "Retarded" they said. "Poor Baby Criswell will never talk."

During an Indiana thunderstorm, I started to talk and have not stopped until this day.

I told my shocked parents that "The rain will stop!" My very first prediction! And a valid one!

In our family, the Criswells, the Kings, the Hopkins, the Mulhalls, the Neeleys, the Browns and the Williams were all proud of Indiana, becoming grocers, newspaper editors, doctors, druggists, politicians, bankers, and undertakers. School teachers competed for God and Glory in the hot Hoosier sun.

Princeton, Indiana, was in Gibson County, with the Wabash, the White and the Patoka Rivers giving the 5,000 natives a rich heritage. The Mason-Dixon Line was only 27 miles away across the Ohio River.

I was raised in the King House, the family hotel. I thought any one who lived seven miles away was a foreigner, and was shocked to find out that they did not know who I was. The town certainly knew who I was as I would not let them forget.

On Sunday, I would join the minister in the pulpit. Once I sang a solo without music. The family could not keep me from getting before an audience, even at a funeral. In the Christmas plays I would stay on stage until I was forcibly removed. I loved political rallies. My Uncle Earl would let me stand by him while he campaigned. Any school teacher knew better than to call on me because they could never quiet me. My Aunt Mayme would call on me at the very last and the dismissal bell would cut my appearance down to ten seconds! Cousin Alice who taught me history in the 8th grade, never received a simple answer, but an oration!

When the tornado blew down half the town, I proudly conducted tours for the sightseers! Every one prefaced their conversation by "Who was there besides Cris?" No club or audience could meet in secret without my somehow finding the way to the platform.

I was not really an extrovert just impervious to criticism of any kind.

When they unveiled the Soldier's Monument in the Courthouse Yard, they uncovered me standing there spouting Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.

I yearned to work on Uncle Roy King's Daily Democrat and he would pay me 25c for five personal items. My personal items were exclusive: I would write what people were going to do!

I had Vivian Draymeyer attending her sister's funeral in Mt. Carmel when her sister was still alive, but her sister died the next day and it saved me from embarrassment. And made me stop to ponder the occurrence.

I began to predict things more and more often. I would operate on these "hunches" and found myself able to help solve the problems of others.

After High School, I attended the University of Cincinnati, taking Public School Education at the Conservatory of Music, and then tried my hand at teaching which I gave up after one term in Jersey City, New Jersey. After a pre-med course, further work in a mortuary, the city morgue and as an ambulance jockey, then I returned to newspaper work and newscasting.

And as I predicted more accurately, I became less reticent to predict. I kept score, writing predictions for my eyes only, then checking to see if they came to pass. My accuracy increased with each year, and I began writing my predictions for others to see and hear.

Sometimes my predictions were laughed at (I received a big laugh on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show by predicting after Pat Brown's victory over Richard Nixon, that Ronald Reagan would defeat Brown in the next election and be California's next Governor).

But even my most "outlandish" predictions, the public scorekeepers say, are 86-percent accurate.

When Droke House Publishers approached me to do this book, I merely released to them "Journal of the Future" - - - my private collection of what will happen between now and the end of our civilization - - - 1999!

My predictions are not written to win literary attention. I am not sure what they all mean. Some are frighteningly explicit. Others are somewhat vague. All are based on conscious study and sub-conscious "realizations." I pass them along to you as I have recorded them.

Over the next thirty years, you may keep your own "score" as to their accuracy.

After that, it will not matter.



I predict that perversion will flood the land beginning in 1970. I predict a series of homosexual cities, small, compact, carefully planned areas, will soon be blatantly advertised and exist from coast to coast. These compact communities will be complete with stores, churches, bars and restaurants which will put the olden Greeks or Romans to shame with their organized orgies. You will be able to find them near Boston, Des Moines, Columbus, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., San Francisco, St. Louis, New Orleans, Dallas, and Miami.

Much thought and planning will be expended in setting up these communities where perversion will parade shamelessly. And all this will be within the law because the perverted will claim they have been discriminated against. The Supreme Court will rule that whatever these consenting adult males, or females, wish to do, they can! Greece and Rome, along with Carthage and Babylon once permitted the same type of communities. I predict that history will repeat itself right here in America beginning in the year of 1970, and increasingly after the Supreme Court upholds them in 1973.


I predict that birth control will no longer be a major problem in the United States. Placed in the water system of the country, in every city, regardless of size, will be chemicals which will act as contraceptives on the entire populace. In addition to this, the electricity that comes into each home will have certain ionic particles that cause contraception.

Birth control will be a function of the Federal Government. If you want a child, you will have to go to the proper Federal Government Agency and get yourself a pill so that you may conceive. You will have to receive the sanction of this Government agency before you will have the right to have a child.

Birth control in any of the forms which we know today will not exist-by the year 1981, when these new systems will definitely be in effect in this country and the majority of the other nations throughout the world. This, mankind will agree, is the only way to control the population explosion.


I predict that by 1982, that a full medical education will require six months of study. The reason for the shortening of medical education is simple: Everything in medicine will be automated, and a course to qualify one as a medical doctor will require only knowledge of how to operate the proper computers and other equipment. Even operations will be done entirely by machines.

The mumbo jumbo of the present medical doctor will disappear as the mumbo jumbo of the witch doctor of Africa has disappeared. All of the present day superstitions will evaporate from medicine. Whatever drugs are necessary will be determined by computers and will be dispensed from pharmacies at no cost. All research in drugs will be controlled by the federal government, and all drugs will be manufactured by the government and dispensed free.

I predict that the doctors who are trained within six months will be far superior men of medicine to those we have today. There will be as much difference between the doctors of the 1980's with their six months of education and their marvelous machinery, as there is between the doctors of today and the doctors of the Dark Ages.

We will have primarily preventive medicine. We will prevent the illnesses before they ever occur. This will be our greatest step forward in the field of medicine.

Doctors themselves will be looked upon as merely public servants of the government, who will license the doctor and set fees for him, exactly as they will for plumbers, carpenters, and sewer workers.


The U. S. and Russia will, separately and jointly, during the 1970's begin to set up space stations. Progress will be slow until the late 1970's when discovery of anti-magnetism-forces will free man from the laws of gravity and make space travel without rocket propulsion possible.

I predict that's man's exploration of space and the building of space stations will be the salvation of the human race.

By 1999 there will be more than 200 of these space stations in existence. They will house entire colonies--men, women and children.

When the earth is destroyed on August 18, 1999, these space colonists will be the only Earth-humans left in the Universe.

But they will not be able to return to Earth for many years because this planet will not support human life for more than 400 years after the holocaust of 1999.


I PREDICT that a young Hollywood actor will culminate his career as a rebel by suicide during the first few months of 1968.


I PREDICT that a Dallas, Texas, Millionaire will shock America and the world by leaving millions upon millions of dollars in his will to set up a true NAZI party in the U.S.

RUSSIA: 1973

I PREDICT that the present government of Russia will continue until 1973, when a new leader will appear on the Soviet scene and cause great changes in that country. In the five years of his rule, he will lead Russia into a Free Enterprise system, with only a few labels of Communism remaining.


I PREDICT that the stock market will experience a wider fluctuation, high and low, from June, 1968, through June, 1970. than any period in its erratic history.


O my Friend, as the dark seasons roll, what of your incredible future? Can our whirling, turning, churning earth last out the night? Our geologists tell us that the danger to Mother Earth lies not in the unchartered vast of outer space, but from inner-earth! Like the apple that rots at the core and explodes into a decaying mass! Like the human body when burial corrodes from within! Here is what will more than likely happen, and we quote from our geologists: "Small tidal waves will play havoc for no reason at all. The surface of the earth will bulge ever so slightly and highways will slightly buckle. Foundations will tip, and floors will slant. When you pour a cup of coffee or a glass of water, the rim will not level. Telephone coin boxes and vending machines will refuse to work. Delicate instruments will go haywire. Elevators will go out of whack. Juke boxes will be mute. Radio and TV will fail. All electric power, gas and water service will cease. And then will come the time when garbage cans roll across the street for no apparent reason. Then and only then will you realize the advanced corrosion spelling the end of our Earth. The seas will quickly fill up with a gooey mass of inner-earth rubble. Our streets and city lots, farms and deserts will bubble up like a festered boil, marking the complete collapse. Has this happened before? More than likely! And it will again happen in your incredible future!


I predict that Kennedy will be the Democratic Presidential Candidate in 1972, and that he will be elected President of the United States in 1972. But, regretfully, he will not serve out his term in office.


I predict education will be given children through the television screen, no personal teachers, but there will be a warden on duty to see that one-hundred per cent interest is sustained. Later, education-memory pills will help give you all of the education you can possibly use


I PREDICT that the untold story of one of the South's bloodiest "heroes" will be the novel-movie sensation of 1970.


The ancient Greeks and Romans very often perfumed the air at their rites and celebrations with exotic aromas to arouse passions and lead to frenzied sex orgies. The human nostril is one of the most sensitive parts of our anatomy and pungent aromas have had and continue to have unusual powers over men and women.

I predict that our own United States will in the future be swept by the popular clouds of an Aphrodesian fragrance. It will be invented by a scientist who is searching for an improved antiseptic spray. Instead he will invent a spray that is almost odorless but when breathed stimulates the most basic sexual erotic areas.

This aroma will fill every man and woman who inhales it with uncontrolled passion. It will be sold at first "underground" like LSD or STP today. But it will soon become easily available. It will be used by those who like its effects, and it will be used by the unwary who will not know they have breathed it until too late to control its maddening urges.

I predict that the sex urge will advance rapidly and many men will flagrantly expose themselves in public. Grandfathers will be accused of seducing their granddaughters and uncles will be jailed under similar crimes. Women will begin to think more of their appearance and they will have new hair styles, more attractive clothing and more use of cosmetics than ever before. I predict that every day will seem like springtime but I also predict the driving urge, the driving sex urge will eventually cause orgies even greater than those of decadent Rome during the reign of the unmentionable Caesars.

I predict that the nation will be shocked by the first sensational case which reaches the headlines involving a well known Washington, D. C. official.

This man will be found practicing horrifying types of perversion with a group of young boys and girls in the seclusion of the White House. Photographs, drawings and other vile and unspeakable materials will be collected and confiscated. I predict the government will order this official to leave the country and the teenagers involved will be sent to juvenile institutions and homes. The man will later be found to be the Secretary of State.

Use of the gaseous drug will become more and more widespread. Entire water systems and heating systems will be filled with it.

In Los Angeles, California, particularly Hollywood, sex acts will be performed openly unashamedly on the streets. I predict that this will be difficult to control for even the members of the law enforcement agencies will be dominated by the powerful cloud of Aphrodesia. Many cases of incest will be reported.

I predict a wealthy San Francisco attorney will announce his marriage to his mother and a Hollywood producer will openly declare his daughter is going to bear his child, and a young man in Arkansas will ask to be legally wed to his pet cat.

People from all over the world will try to enter the United States wishing to become hypnotized by this strange phenomenon but our ports and borders will be closed to them. I predict that many foreign leaders will find excuses to visit the United States on so-called diplomatic missions but in many cases their behavior will be shocking beyond belief. I predict that a famous Spanish diplomat will be ordered from the country because of his crude and inhuman activities. A member of the British Royal family will set up a Roman Coliseum type of structure on a secluded island estate where he will hold rituals that will shake the world. Florida will become virtually a huge nudist camp. Many socially prominent residents will protest and leave their estates and others will join in this miserable and utterly filthy performance. I predict the English monarch will recall his incorrigible heir to the throne and everyone involved will be rounded up, brought to trial and condemned either to prison or to a state hospital for the insane. In Evansville, Indiana, a well known playwright will have his own personal harem in a large hotel. He will employ photographers to take pictures and will later seek to publish them in a book but I predict this wanton man will utterly fail. I predict that the Aphrodesian intoxication will lead to mass nudity and men, women and children will throw away their clothing and stalk around just as God made them. But I predict that while all this came about slowly and gradually, the Aphrodesian era will end abruptly and without warning.

An antidote for this drug will be found. Right thinking men of government will have the entire nation "dusted" by airplanes, to counteract the fumes of the drugs, and it will be effectively wiped out.

And shame and recrimination will cover America. Americans will awaken from their debauch. Those who have managed to avoid the drug will be in power. And they will lead this nation into the strictly controlled America of the 1990's, where all man's thoughts and morals are controlled for him. Date of the Aphrodesian era: May 1, 1988, to March 30, 1989.


I PREDICT that Broadway plays will soon have casts entirely in the nude and depiction of the sex act, normally or perverted, will not be unusual. This will mark a renewal of legitimate theater for it will mean that such acts may be portrayed in theater before they will be portrayed in movies. However, Broadway's exclusive franchise shall not last long. Soon movies will follow Broadway. There will be movie houses specializing in such Movies operating openly in the U. S.


I predict that the strongest earthquake in the history of the U. S. will virtually wipe out the city of San Francisco on April 7, 1975. A huge fault, familiar to all geologists, will give way, and the earth will split open from north of San Francisco to Los Angeles. Damage in Los Angeles will be less than San Francisco. There will be more than 25,000 persons killed in this earthquake.


I PREDICT that "Miss America" of 1973 will be a Negro girl from Chicago.


We are all lighted candles in a darkened world, weary travelers on the highway of life, plodding on to our endless existence! For once we exist, we continue to exist! Our span of life compared to the billions of years of time, is but a fast twinkle in the eye of God! We are all ten seconds from Eternity and the limitless time thereafter! Surely the things we have today pass with us into this pleasurable void! Mark Twain refused to go to Heaven unless he could take his dogs with him! Queen Victoria was buried with her favorite diamond sunburst! Alexander the Great was buried with his favorite horse! And a very famous industrial Prince was buried in his favorite auto, propped up in the front seat with his foot on the gas, so that when the Trumpet of Judgment sounded, he could be well on his way! We all seek to take something with us on this proposed journey besides the riches of our minds in memory! Is it foolish of me to ask that my favorite typewriter be placed in the casket with my body? Perhaps in the new realm of being, I may have new predictions to give for a new edition of a publication that reaches out into the Universe, which can be impressed on the minds of the future! No one really wants to die completely, and something of all of us will remain! Some are proving they are more potent dead, than alive! The Power of the Saints is not to be questioned, nor the power of an idea put into action ... in your incredible future!


I predict that the riots of the long hot summers of 1966 and 1967 will not abate during the next five years. Rather they will increase in number and intensity each year.

I predict that the outcome of this will be the emergence of a powerful Negro leader named Sanders, who will appear in 1972. He will set forth a bold new plan for the Negro population.

He will urge migration of all American Negroes to the state of Mississippi during 1973.

They will control the state's economy and politics.

Mississippi will become virtually a Negro state within our nation.

Die-hard-segregationist-whites will sell their businesses, homes and land, and will leave Mississippi.

And Mississippi will become a model state--the most progressive in America, with the finest industry, schools, and hospitals.


I predict that a large city in Colorado will be the victim of a strange and terrible pressure from outer space, which will cause all solids to turn into a jelly-like mass. I predict that this pressure will not affect any other part of the world but will be pinpointed at one particular city. Housewives working at home will suddenly feel the floors sway and buck underneath them. Their once sturdy furniture will slither into weird and fantastic shapes. Dishes will turn into putty, and silverware will have the texture of rubber. I predict that without warning buildings will collapse to the ground in near silence trapping thousands in the rubble. These unfortunate victims will not be cut or gashed but death will be caused by crushing and smothering. These collapsed buildings will look like masses of oddly formed rubber. Transportation in this forsaken city will be crippled for I predict automobiles, trains, cars and buses will be entirely useless. Factories will be unable to continue production. Poles supporting high tension wires will collapse. The entire population will live in terror and in fear. I predict that a state emergency will be declared and federal aid will be granted but as rescue units approach the city they will lose all semblance of solidity and will be rendered helpless. The people who attempt to escape in wild panic will be unable to move through the gummy streets. Hospitals will suffer and I predict that doctors in the midst of operating will find their surgical instruments useless for they will bend and curl. Needles will not penetrate flesh and glass will mold together. Many patients on the operating table will recover from the anesthetic without means of administering further pain killing drugs, and the results will be most unpleasant. I predict that this catastrophe will take place during the tourist season and the fun loving people in the amusement zone will suddenly find their day of pleasure turned into one of horror. A roller coaster will rise and sway throwing cars and occupants to the ground below. A ferris wheel will collapse and carry many children to untimely deaths. A penny arcade will become a dungeon of doom, a canopy of a merry-go-round will plunge down upon its most innocent riders. I predict only silence will reign where there was once laughter and gaiety. The citizenry of this Colorado city will find themselves enveloped in a jelly-like substance that was once brick, concrete, steel, and lumber. They will be unable to escape for it will be impossible to cut through or tear this substance. Although soft and pliable it will still retain the strength and weight formerly possessed. I predict in the outskirts the conditions will not be as serious but fleeing people will find themselves mired in roadways and hardly able to move.

I predict that scientists from all over the world will be called upon to help but no one will be able to offer relief for they will not be able to conquer this terrible force, this mysterious force from outer space. Gradually, as conditions ease survivors will be evacuated but this will become a dead city and will never again be reborn. I predict this unfortunate community will be a victim of elements beyond our control and will always be remembered until the end of time. I predict the name of the city will be Denver, Colorado. The date: June 9, 1989.


I predict the assassination of Fidel Castro by a woman, on August 9, 1970.


I PREDICT that Greece will be the center of turmoil and revolution throughout the 1970's. This inner conflict will lead to· outbreak of revolution and counter revolution. The country will suffer tremendously. Virtually no tourist trade will exist.


I PREDICT that tragedy will once again strike one of America's best known families, shortly after its most widely loved member has remarried. Her remarriage will be a mistake.


I PREDICT the only medium of exchange we will have, will be a punch card. No coins, no bills, just a punch card. No gold, no silver, just a punch card. A punch card will clear at the automation center to buy you the things you want. However, I predict if you do not have enough energy units through work you will draw nothing.

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