[I, Criswell of Criswellia, submit for your approval, the unexpurgated text of my tome Criswell Predicts: From Now to the Year 2000 (in five parts) for your astonishment and pleasure.]
THE BOILING LAKE
I predict a catastrophe which will strike an unsuspecting lakeside resort in a European nation. This will happen without warning and will shock the world. This lake has long been the scene of many frolicking tourists from all over the continent enjoying boating, swimming, fishing, diving and other water sports. The vacationers will not give much thought to what they feel and will think the warmer temperature of the water on the fateful day is due to the noon day heat and the strong rays of the sun. I predict that the shallower section of the lake will soon become uncomfortable and some luckier bathers will wade to shore. However, the many boaters, skin divers and fishermen will not be as fortunate. Steam will slowly appear above the water and sudden fear will grip everyone in the area. The captains of the sight-seeing boats will try to reach shore but few will make it. I predict that below the surface of the lake divers will find themselves suddenly surrounded by water of a terrible heat intensity. It will be a shocking sight as their bodies rise to the surface boiled to a livid red. Tiny bubbles will appear over the entire surface of the lake and soon it will be a mass of boiling water. Boats will be tossed around like bobbing corks and scalding water will pour over the decks spraying the crews and the passengers. I predict that many vessels will sink but the majority will remain intact and afloat but there will be no life aboard. The intense heat will cause the sails of many boats to burst into flames and the vessels will gradually burn and sink below the water. The shore residents will flee for their lives. I predict this monstrous lake will overflow and for miles it will create havoc and terror. The entire resort area will be flooded and turned into a flaming ruin, trapping many helpless tourists and inhabitants. I predict that in the center of this lake a small cone shaped object will appear gradually rising and belching flame and smoke--a dormant submerged volcano. This volcano after centuries of sleep will suddenly be reactivated fatally by flame from beneath the earth's surface. Panic will sweep over the countryside.
This terrible formation will grow to such proportion as to endanger the entire nation. I predict this volcano will continue to rise for a period of 6 weeks and will then give forth a tremendous explosion. Flame, rock and molten lava will wreak destruction and havoc and for many miles around cities will be showered with flames and smoke creating a fiery holocaust. Lava will pour into the lake and in a short time the waters will recede as the lava and the intense heat create evaporation. I predict the flow of lava will cease but entire communities will be lost forever and thousands of people from all over the continent will be listed as missing. This volcano will remain silent having spent itself but until the end of time it will stand in the center of this lake, a terrible remembrance of this fateful catastrophe. I predict this will be Lago Maggiore in Switzerland. Date: August 27, 1977.
ROCK-FOLK SUICIDE: 1969
I PREDICT that America's foremost Rock-Polk Singer will commit suicide during Easter Week, 1969.
ACTOR SHOCKS NATION: 1969
I PREDICT that a well known movie actor of purest-white reputation -- a veritable All-American-Boy will be arrested in October, 1969, on a charge of White Slavery. It will be exposed that this man and several of his colleagues have kept more than thirty young "runaway" girls in slavery in the secretly excavated basement of his Beverly Hills Mansion--where they have performed inhuman acts of sadism on these young girls, and have killed seven of them.
I PREDICT paste on bikinis for you girls and clamp on bikinis for you men.
NOSTRADAMUS AND THE WHITE DEATH
Nostradamus, as far back as 1538, predicted many amazing things that have already come to pass. But, one of his most ominous, foreboding prophecies is almost at your very doorstep. Nostradamus predicted, "During the last half of the 20th Century, great White Death will strike a vicious blow, and overnight, the earth will become White Hell." Do we dare doubt the prophecy of Nostradamus? Even our geologists respect this long range weather forecast. Our weather cycle is making a tragic turn, and before long, suffocating, hideous snow will fall where only the tropic sun had shown. The day is not far off, in your lifetime, when this White Messenger of Death, will knock on every door! Nostradamus further predicted "After the last flake has left the skies, there will be no warmth for 40 days and 40 nights. Then will come the winds of ice, from the north, the south, the east ... and the west." Remember the words of Nostradamus for he has yet to be proven wrong.
Frigid, violent winds will sweep into your cities, your streets, and even your homes, turning everything into ice. And, for 40 days and 40 nights man will not be seen. Our heart of Mother Nature will melt, after 40 days and 40 nights, and man will slowly emerge from his imprisonment. But, the laws of Mother Nature are very strange, and just as night must follow day, the thaw must follow the ice and snow. One drop of water is innocent, but with others it can be a dangerous enemy.
And though our earth will survive the White Death, it will be at great cost of life and property.
Dates: August-November, 1982.
O my Friend, do the same things happen over and over, yet to different people? Must every generation face the same crisis? Must each century follow the same pattern of growth and decay? Why is it the moment we start growing, we start decaying? Will water be our downfall? Will all the drops converge at a given signal from Mother Nature and spell our doom as it did many times before? Water is life, it feeds, it cleanses, it warms, it cools, it carries, it protects, and without it, the earth would go barren, but yet it has a destructive quality second to none, not even fire! Our geologists cast a fearful eye upon the threat of the oncoming deluge of water--and if they are concerned, we should be terrified! They tell us that many times the earth has been flooded and a few hearty souls lived thru it, managed to escape the Niagara of death, to start anew. We look upon the story of the Biblical Noah and his Ark as something that couldn't possibly happen again! And yet a tiny tilt of our Earth could flood each and every continent in the twinkling of an eye ... the fish and ocean life would survive ... to perhaps crawl again from the ooze for a fresh start! Or if some one is smart enough to build an ark or a space ship to last out the deluge, they and they alone could survive! The geologists warn us of the coming event in no uncertain terms, which will be in your lifetime and mine!
I PREDICT that by 1980 you will be able to lift your own face in your own home for only $5.00. A new chemical will be developed in our Veterans Hospital for battle scar tissue will soon be available to the public. You will buy it by the jar, put it on your face and in three days look half your age.
Nudism will become more and more popular in America. In 1971 the Supreme Court will rule that no state may outlaw Nudist Colonies. This ruling will come just prior to the "consenting adults" ruling which will make legal any activity entered into by consenting adults on private property out of public view.
How would it feel to be the last person on earth? You may be that very one! You may have the chance to experience this very thing! One ion of oxygen can consume another, until no oxygen is remaining! All plant life, all animal life, all insect life and all human life will expire about the same time! The only way that you could survive would be to accidentally be surrounded by an air pocket! Even in mine disasters, where the deadly gases permeate every portion of the area, there is usually some small point it does not reach, and the individual is saved. Mother Nature may have the same thing in mind when our lovely lurching earth goes into a cascade of airless existence! The hydrogen bomb will be able to set off a series of reaction multiplying faster than cancer cells in the human body! This could doom our sideshow of a world! The very first atom bombs were very mild in their destruction, compared to what we now have! If these puny first trial bombs can damage the human body as it did, what can the more advanced modern ones do? We could have a sightless, hearless, hairless race of mankind, with all organs damaged so that copulation would be impossible! Our race could die a-borning! And if you are lucky to escape the hydrogen-atomic dixie finish of our brave new world thru an accident, you might find it most lonely, for you could be the only remaining living person in the world in your incredible future!
HEADLINES OF THE FUTURE
NEW ISLANDS RISE IN PACIFIC DUE TO UNDERSEA VOLCANO (1971).
ENGLAND LEGALIZES HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGES (1969).
LAKE MICHIGAN TO BE DRAINED FOR MUCH NEEDED LAND (1978).
FEDERAL SALES TAX VOTED (1975).
CANADA AND MEXICO JOIN UNITED STATES IN COMMON MARKET (1976).
I predict that in 1975 all metal coins will be withdrawn from the market and only paper money used. This will be done by all nations of the world. Gold and silver will become more and more precious, and by 1990 metal will be extremely scarce. All metal will be a curiosity because all things will have been replaced by plastic. Silver and gold coins will become museum pieces and in the years to come our grandchildren will behold them with awe through a glass case that will be guarded.
I PREDICT school will be taught by television only. You will see your teacher on the screen and you will answer by a series of automated push buttons on your desk and receive a passing grade or a failing grade of that day's test, and if you fail, you must take that specific hour again until you have fully grasped what it means. There will not be teachers as we know them today, they will merely be companions, in fact, they will be part of the police department who will be there merely as wardens to see that your children behave.
I PREDICT that it will be entirely possible for you to master algebra, Latin, trigonometry, or even the German language within the period of a week to capture it and learn it. You will see it on the screen, you will follow the printed test, you will push push buttons for your automation examination and you will find you will retain all there is to know of the subject that you are studying. You will also be trained for the professions in this same way.
I PREDICT that an occurrence in Atlanta, Georgia, in the Fall of 1968 will rock this nation with outrage.
Chicago, Ill. Jan. 10, 1970: A revival of the old fashioned Dance Marathon of the 1920's for contestants over 85 will be held, sponsored by a vitamin company testing their new product!
MEXICO CITY 1985
Mexico City, built on a dry lake bed, surrounded by volcanoes will be a "ghost city" by 1985. Slowly the city is sinking into the lake bed. All efforts to save it are failing. The speed of its sinking will begin to increase in 1974. Sinkage in 1968 will be about one inch. In 1969 it will be an inch and a half. In 1972-three inches. In 1975--SEVEN INCHES!
The quicksand bed of the lake will compress more and more rapidly and, by government decree, the capital city of Mexico will be evacuated in 1985--and moved to the city of QUERETARO.
Does any one actually die? Does any one actually vanish from the earth without a trace? Psychologists tell us that this is impossible, for each and every man, woman or child leaves something of himself on earth and never, never actually vanishes into the void! Each personality leaves a memory, an impression, a good or bad deed, which is never erased, and it is handed down from generation to generation. From your own childhood, you can remember how a grandfather or great grandmother, told you about her grandmother or great grandmother, some incident that you have retold to your family many times! In Europe, there are houses and farms which have remained in the same family since William The Conqueror, trinkets which date back to the Crusades and, even in America, a young nation compared to others, has a rich heritage of Indian lore, which somehow will never die! The people, once thought dead, remain very much alive in a iiving legend, with far more power than when alive. An entire cult has grown up around Evita Peron, now elected for canonization, in Argentina. Stalin, in spite of his cold desecrated body, thrown on the ash heap of Red scorn, still is vital and breathing and is carefully followed by many Russian spiritualists who seek his advice from the Nether Realms! Yes, no one actually dies and leaves nothing behind, for no matter who they are, they live in someone's memory! And YOU will too, in your incredible future!
Back in 1448 Mother Shipton foretold: "The day of shame will come to pass, no clothes will wear the lad or lass. Who doff the shawl, the trouser too, and romp amid the morning dew." And this will be in your lifetime and in mine!
Yes, Mother Shipton was quite right, about nudism! Never in the history of our modern world, have we dressed so briefly on the beach, in the garden, or on the streets. I predict it will only be a matter of time, when you will join a nudist camp or health farm, and enjoy the complete freedom of nudity. The human body is nothing to be ashamed of, for we were all born in the likeness of God. And remember, it will be in your lifetime, when you walk down the street, you will shop, you will attend the theater in the nude. And, perhaps sooner than you think! It was also Mother Shipton who predicted "Waving fields of oats and wheat. In tiny pellets we will eat. Gone will be the knife and plate, for this will be the twist of Fate." Yes, in that far off year of 1448, the words vitamin tablet, and compressed food were unknown.
O my friend, what can be ahead in the ruthless progress of the human race? Are we more civilized than we were a century ago? Or are we more debased than ever before? The horror of the atom bomb is nothing to compare with our new hydrogen contraption which will not only maim, destroy or kill half the world at one dropping, but also will result in sterility of both men and women, bringing down the curtain on our mad little game of procreation! Animals, no matter how maddened or vicious, do not resort to the evil done between men in man's inhumanity to man! In our mad Orwellian existence, right becomes wrong and wrong becomes right! War becomes peace! Peace becomes war! Scarcity becomes abundance! Abundance becomes scarcity! In the war of governments for the control of our minds, we are in the midst of a great brain washing bath! "We would do better had we permitted our spiritual heads to cleanse our souls rather than to permit the politicians to cleanse our minds of all reason!" cry the Conservative Laborites of England. "There is no greed greater than human greed, and upon this the Devil plays his tunes," is repeated by our ministers of God! "Our politicians claim our Kingdom is greater than the Kingdom of Heaven" say the British Clergy, "and continue to defy God and all reason!" Whither have we drifted my friend, in your incredible future?
MALE BIRTH CONTROL PILL
I PREDICT that a male birth control pill will be on the market in 1971. One pill will make a man sterile for thirty days, with no side effects.
I PREDICT there will be no newspapers, as we know them today, operating after 1980. Today many television stations are owned by newspapers and are an adjunct of the daily paper. After 1980, the reverse will be true: newspapers will be fed into the home via television transmission, where hard copies of print-outs will roll out of the set each morning and afternoon, complete with photos, features, etc. And, because television is under government control, every newspaper will be under government control also.
WAR IN KOREA
I predict renewed war in Korea before June, 1969.