Thursday, December 10, 2009


Or, Perjury

[Originally Aired February 21, 2008]

Locke has Ben caged up in his own basement. He serves his prisoner the last two eggs they have and hands him a copy of Valis by Philip K. Dick. Ben proceeds to fuck with Locke's head, which he is rather good at, so Locke takes back the eggs and flings them down the hall. Meanwhile Claire and Kate sit on their bungalow porch and sip coffee like they're in a General Foods International Coffee commercial. If I had to guess, I'd say Claire went for Swiss White Chocolate. Kate is more the Hazelnut Belgian Cafe type. Sawyer shows up and Claire runs off to get him a cup. Sawyer says he'll kick out Hurley so Kate can move in with him. She tells him no thanks, and he asks why she's stayed then and she is all, it's a secret and I don't trust your ass. He's all, whatever, this about you being pregnant, huh? Yes, now get lost, asshole. Maybe it's not like a General Foods International Coffee commercial afterall. Not even those annoying ones that starred Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that were all "contemporary." Flashforward to Kate's trial. "The people vs. Katherine Anne Austen, the honorable Arthur Galzethron presiding." Arthur Galzethron? Tell me that's an anagram. It is, but I have no idea what "harlot tzar rehung" means. Katherine Anne Austen, you are charged with fraud, arson, assault on a federal officer, assault with a deadly weapon, grand larceny, grand theft auto, and murder in the first degree. Ms. Austen, how do you plead? Not guilty. The DA asks that she be denied bail. The lawyer says she's one of the most famous people in the world right now, where is going to run off to? The judge locks her up until trial. Ouch. Cut back to the beach and Jin is looking at a map of the U.S. He points to Albuquerque and New York and other places, all of which Sun shoots down, saying she wants to raise her baby in Korea. "You mean our baby." Jack walks onto the beach and introduces his new friends. "This is Charlotte and Dan. Their helicopter already took Sayid and Desmond back to their freighter. They can make arrangements to get all of us off this island." Woo hoo! Maybe. At the barracks, Kate visits Locke and sees blood all over his hands. "I just killed a chicken." She asks to speak to Miles, he says no. "You may think this is a democracy, Kate, because of the way Jack ran things, but this is not a democracy." Told you he was a fascist. Kate walks away and sees Hurley carrying a plate of food. Kate tells him Locke said she should take the food to Miles. "Okay, we moved him to the boathouse," he says and immediately realizes he's been hustled. Kate brings Miles his food and asks him if he knows who she is. Miles won't tell her unless she lets him see Ben first. Flashforward to Kate and her lawyer. The DA has offered a deal, but Kate refuses it. Her lawyer suggests another tack. She refuses that too, saying "You are not using my son!" What the fuck? So she was pregnant! Who's the daddy? Sawyer? Jack? Someone else? At the beach Jack can't get anyone on the boat to pick up. Sun asks "You haven't heard from Sayid? You said they left yesterday." Jack assures her they're fine. But what if Locke was right, she asks. Locke is a dumbass, Jack says. "Then why is Kate with him?" Ouch. Kate and Claire hang up laundry. What, no washer and dryer? Even the hatch had a washer and dryer. Wevs. Aaron fusses and Kate is skittish about holding him. Claire comforts her, saying "The last thing I thought I'd be good at was being a mom. You know, you should try it sometime." Cut to the courtroom, and Kate's attorney calls his first witness: Jack. The DA objects. The judge overrules and says he's to be a character witness only. Jack takes the stand and is asked if he knew Kate was being taken back to L.A. to stand trial. He learned that eventually, he said. From Marshal Gunfingers? "No, the marshal died in the crash. I never spoke to him. Ms. Austen told me." Liar! (Though, I guess he really can't say "I killed him" right there in court, can he?) He says he never asked her if she was guilty, and assumed that the whole thing was some sort of mistake. Why? "Only eight of us survived the crash. We landed in the water. I was hurt, pretty badly. In fact, if it weren't for her, I would have never made it to the shore. She took care of me. She took care of all of us. She gave us first aid, water, found food, made shelter. She tried to save the other two, but..." What. The. Fuck. Jebus, that was... well... it was kind of disturbing. Kate stands up and tells him to stop and says she doesn't want him to say any more. The defense has no more questions. So the DA asks, "Doctor Shephard, do you love Ms. Austen?" "No. Not anymore." More lies! At the barracks, Sawyer and his roomie Hurley are chilling in their bungalow and Hurley asks "What do you wanna watch? Xanadu or Satan's Doom?" Neither, says Sawyer, he's reading. He's quite the bookworm, isn't he? Kate knocks and Sawyer invites her in. They head to the kitchen and he offers her some boxed Dharma wine. They make small talk and he tells her she's terrible at it. "You already said you didn't stay behind for me. So at least be woman enough to tell me you want to use me for something." So she asks him to help her get to Ben. Cut to Sawyer knocking on Locke's door and asking if he's up for some backgammon. Yeah, Sawyer, you're smooth. They play and Locke asks Sawyer if he thinks they did the right thing coming here. Sawyer says he feels safer here than if he was at the beach. Then he spills the beans to Locke about Kate trying to get to Ben to take him to see Miles. The two run off to the boathouse to intercept. They get there and find it empty. Meanwhile Kate and Miles sneak into Ben's basement. Miles asks Ben if he knows he is, who he works for. Yes, Ben does. "Then you know he's put a lot of time and energy into finding you. So now I've found you. And I can tell him exactly where you are. Or I can lie, and tell him you were already dead. I'd be willing to do that, for 3.2 million dollars." What? Jebus. "3.2? But why not 3.3 or 3.4?" Then Ben plays dumb which pisses Miles off. Two days, he gives him. Ben asks for more time. A week, then, but he wants it in cash. What about Charlotte? Miles says he'll "take care" of her. Time's up, says Kate. Now she wants some answers. "Your name is Katherine Anne Austen, and you're wanted for murder, fraud, arson, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember. You're a fugitive. You got caught in Australia and the feds were bringing you back. So yeah, we know. If I were you, I'd stay right here, on the island. Who knows, maybe you didn't survive the crash." They head back up the stairs but run into Sawyer and Locke. Uh oh. Locke tells Kate to go back to her house. Later, Locke walks into Claire and Kate's place without even knocking. I told you he was a fascist. Locke asks what Miles and Ben talked about. She tells him how Miles asked for $3.2M. Then Locke tells her to be gone by morning. Cut to the a meeting between Kate and her lawyer. He tells her her mother wants to see her. Mom comes in in a wheel chair and asks "Was it true, what he said? That you're a hero?" Kate doesn't answer. Mom says she doesn't want to testify, if only she could see Kate's son. Kate tells her to get bent. Back at the beach Faraday and Charlotte are doing some weird test with playing cards, seeing what Faraday can remember. Jack and Juliet approach and ask why no one will answer on the boat. Faraday tells them there is an emergency number on the boat, and Jack makes them call. Regina answers and asks why they're calling this number. Charlotte asks about the chopper. "I thought the helicopter was with you." Uh oh. At the boathouse, Miles is tied up again. Locke pulls the pin on a grenade and shoves it in his prisoner's mouth. "I realize that when I tied you up in here the other day, I made the mistake of failing to introduce myself. My name is John Locke, and I'm responsible for the well-being of this island. Eventually, Miles, you're going to tell me who you are, and you're going to tell me about the people on the boat, and your going to tell me why you're so interested in Ben. In the meantime, however, you're going to keep your mouth shut." Locke leaves. Jesus, not only is he a fascist, he's one of those cruel fascists. Meanwhile, Kate and Sawyer cuddle in bed. He wants to do it, but she's not in the mood. Is that because she may be pregnant, he asks? She's not, she assures him. He is relieved. "Would it have been the worst thing in the world?" she asks. Yes, he says, "What would we have done with a baby?" She starts getting dressed and tells him she's going back to the beach. "It's alright, freckles, I ain't gonna hold it against you. I'm just gonna sit right here in my comfy bed. Because in about a week, you'll find some reason to get pissed at Jack and bounce right back to me." She slaps him. Which he kind of deserved. Even though he was pretty much right. Still, that doesn't mean he should have said it. Back in the courtroom, the DA asks to approach the bench and tells the judge Kate's mom can't testify because of her health. Recess. Later, the DA offers a deal: Time served plus ten year's probation, and she can't leave the state. Kate takes it. Later, she walks out the back door of the courthouse. Jack is there. She says to him "You know, Jack, I've heard you say that story so many times, I'm starting to think you believe it." He meekly says he just stopped by to tell her he didn't mean it. Then he invites her out for coffee. She says she should come by her place. He begs off. "I know why you don't want to see the baby, Jack. But until you do, until you want to, there's no you and me going for coffee. But if at anytime you change your mind, come and see us." She jumps in a taxi and leaves. The taxi takes her home. It's nice place. Pretty big. The nanny tells Kate she just put the kid down for a nap. Kate heads up stairs and picks up the toddler. "Hi, mommy" he says. "Hi, Aaron."


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