Thursday, June 24, 2010

Queer Cinema: Zombie 4: After Death

Pride Month + Queer Cinema = Porn star Jeff Stryker! Today: Porn star Jeff Stryker!

Zombie movies are typically populated with idiots. This film is no exception. Though, these people did have good enough sense to bring along a porn star with a ten inch cock. Okay, so the porn star doesn't do anything special and we never actually get to see his ten inch cock. But, hey, he's there, it's there, that's got to count for something, right?

Jeff Stryker plays Chuck, a researcher researching what happened to a bunch of other researchers on a mysterious island twenty years ago. For a moment it looks like this might really turn into a porno, as Stryker and his two companions (one of whom bears a striking resemblance to Giorgio Moroder, by the way) find their way into a moist and sultry grotto. But instead of getting their fuck on, they find a voodoo altar. There is plenty of bom-chicka-wah-wah music nonetheless.

The woman in this group is smart. Needless to say, she's the first one to die. But before doing so, she astutely notes "If the island's uninhabited, who lit all these candles?" When they find The Book of The Dead, she's the one who pleads for them not to read from it. "Don't do it! It might release evil forces!" I told you she was smart. Unfortunately, her companions aren't as clever. As soon as the incantation is read, zombies leap from the shadows and immediately begin ripping their faces off. (The zombies on this island are particularly fond of face meat, and if I've learned anything from Iron Chef, it's that face meat is very tender.) Only Chuck and his ten inch cock survive.

Now, it needs to be noted, zombies were already running around the island before this, so I can't be sure what the spell book actually did. But elsewhere on the island, a group of mercenaries and their two female companions have become stranded. And one of their party has already been bitten. Not to take the zombie's side, but it was self-defense, as one of the mercs chased and beat him up for no good reason, not even knowing he was one of the undead. One can only assume he was merely looking to beat up a native. Serves him right to get bit if you ask me. Of course, this sets us up for the millionth use of the trite no-one-knows-the-injured-guy-is-really-turning-into-a-zombie cliché. Yawn.

Chuck, the mercenaries, and the two women hole up in an abandoned hospital, surrounded by the flesh eaters outside. As I said, these folks are idiots. For example, despite having M-16 rifles, they often charge up to a zombie to attack at very close range, and are easily overtaken. And when they are attacked, they just stand there and take it. If a zombie was trying to suck out my eyeballs, I'd do my fair share of squirming, ten inch cock or no. One by one, the mercenaries are turned into zombies. The worst part is, the zombified mercs hang onto their rifles. It's one thing to be undead; it's another thing to be undead and armed with automatic weaponry.

Conveniently, one of the women, Jenny, has an amulet around her neck that can close the gates of Hell, which I guess is where all the zombies came from. It turns out she was the lone survivor from the original research party, having escaped the island at the tender age of three. When it's just down to her and Chuck, they head back to the grotto to consult The Book of The Dead once more.

Jenny checks page two and find that closing the gates of Hell is simple, it'll just take the amulet.. and their souls. Oops!

This is Jeff Stryker's sole foray into mainsteam film. It's kind of a shame that his one non-porn work is a film by Claudio Fragasso. I'd tell you this film sucks on ice, but I've already mentioned it's a Fragasso, so I risk redundancy. Aside from the novelty of Stryker, this film has little to offer, especially since he never flashes his ten inch cock.

Directed by Claudio Fragasso • R • 1988 • 85 minutes

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