Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Memorial Day Movie Marathon, Pt. 1

What better way to honor the war dead on this holiday than by watching four craptastic movies? Freedom, bitches! How's you spend your Memorial Day? Going to a parade? Whatever.

So, I'll be reviewing the movies in descending order, from bad to worse. It should tell you something that the best movie I saw yesterday was Dracula II. How is that even possible?

(Stay tuned all this week for the rest of the list.)

Dracula II: Ascension

Dracula II picks up right where the first movie left off. Literally. Remember how the first one ended with Dracula getting roasted in the sun on that New Orleans rooftop? No? Well, it did, trust me. (And if the first one was called Dracula 2000, shouldn't this one be called Dracula 2001?) So, anyway, the coroner's office picks up the dracula corpse and takes it to the morgue, where someone cuts her fingertip on his fang and drops blood on him, and sees that where the blood splashed Drac regenerated. Got all that? Enter Craig Sheffer who has some unnamed debilitating condition confining him to a wheelchair. He holds his left hand in an immobile, clenched fist at his chest at all times, to remind us he is dying. Acting, bitches! And blah blah blah, Sheffer and his cadre of silly med students reanimate Drac to use his blood to heal Sheffer. Jason Scott Lee returns as The Priest Who Knows Kung Fu and who is also a half-dracula which we find out in a flashback that is set before the first movie, but I guess they forgot to mention that the first time around which is weird because you'd think that was relevant. Also, Roy Scheider is there who is going to need a bigger wooden stake as Cardinal Exposition. He is there to explain that Gerard Buttfor isn't in this movie when draculas regenerate they get a new face. Also, In case you forgot, Dracula is Judas and he was cursed to live forever or something. Anyway, if Jason Scott Lee can absolve him of the sin of deicide then he will die or not be a dracula or something. Basically, he'd win. But he doesn't. And all the med students die too. But Craig Sheffer walks again. And the whole thing ends by setting up a sequel.

Tomorrow's review: Paul Blart: Mall Cop

1 comment:

  1. Cardinal Exposition Brilliant!

    This almost makes me wish I'd seen this movie. Almost.