Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Refreshing Beverage

Taking Her Side

Aside from Kevin Smith (who tweeted this out yesterday) and Greg Grunberg (who posted this) I've not seen any other celebrities siding with Samantha Gailey, Roman Polanski's victim.

The silence is, as they say, deafening.

If I've missed someone else, please let me know.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Wider Than A Mile

In case you were wondering what Andy Williams thought of President Obama, you can wonder no more.

Though, I'm thinking, if you were wondering what the crooner, he of "Moon River" fame, thought of Obama, perhaps it's time to find a hobby. I suggest painting. Acrylics are fun and easy to work with and they mix up real nice.

Anyway, Williams shared his thoughts on his not-so-huckleberry friend in a recent interview with Radio Times:
Don't like him at all. I think he wants to create a socialist country. The people he associates with are very Left-wing. One is registered as a Communist.

Obama is following Marxist theory. He's taken over the banks and the car industry. He wants the country to fail.
I'm not sure I how "wanting to create a socialist country" equates with "wanting the country to fail," but then again, I have no idea what "huckleberry friend" means either.

And don't even get me started on associating with a "registered" Communist (gasp!). I guess Obama and Williams are not after the same rainbow's end.


Or, Let's Make A Deal!

[Originally Aired February 7, 2007]

Juliet sits on the beach, crying. Is she upset about Ben, about Jack, what? She heads inside and passes Ethan in the hall. Ah, a flashback. Very clever. She enters her room and a woman is there. She's sick. The two talk and the sick woman reveals herself to be Juliet's sister, and before she is injected they ponder whether or not to continue with the treatment. Are they worried he will find out? Ben again? Juliet goes to the window and pulls the curtains open, and we see the Miami skyline. Very clever indeed. Back on the Hydra, Jack pleads with Kate to run. She and Sawyer pounce on Danny and his cohort and grab their guns and lock them in the cage. In the operating room Juliet sends one of her goons after Kate and Sawyer, telling him to kill the escapees if necessary. Then she tells Jack they'll never escape since they're on a different island. Jack then tells Tom how she asked him to kill Ben on the operating table. Jebus, this is one big back-stab-orama. Tom sends Juliet out of the operating room and asks Jack if he's telling the truth. In flashback Juliet is in a laboratory, and she sneaks some vials into her purse. Her theft is interrupted by an amorous couple who duck into the room to make out. Juliet hides. Then her phone rings. Busted! The man, played by Željko Ivanek, another former Homicide/Oz alumnus showing up on Lost, is a little shocked and embarrassed. He introduces his date as his secretary. He introduces Juliet as his ex-wife. She gives him some line about needed to ammend some numbers and as she leaves he asks her to turn out the lights in the lab. In the jungle Kate and Jack flee and there is a gunfight, until Kate runs out of ammo. She's about to get shot when Alex swoops in with her slingshot and rescues them, leading them to a dugout covered with a grassy façade. In the operating room Ben wakes up (oops!) and overhears Tom and Jack discussing Juliet's plot. He asks Tom to bring Juliet to him. Juliet's ex-husband and current boss confronts her about the missing vials, and asks her ifs she's been giving them to her sister. He says he won't narc on her if she cuts him in on the research. Speaking of deals, Alex agrees to lead Kate and Sawyer to safety if they help her rescue her boyfriend. Oh, hey, another deal: In flashback Juliet meets with Richard Alpert from Mittelos Bioscience (anagram alert!), played by Nestor Carbonell who either has really dark eyelashes or is wearing too much eyeliner, I can't tell which. He doesn't have a stupid accent like when he was on Suddenly Susan, so it's cool. He asks Juliet if she really impregnated a male field mouse. She did, but he was unable to carry it to term. Alpert asks her to come work for her in Portland, but she can't, saying her ex-husband would never allow it. Never? Only if he got hit by bus maybe, she jokes. Meanwhile Ben sends Tom and Jack from the room and speaks to Juliet privately. Outside the room, Jack and Tom can't hear what they discuss. Tom tries to flirt with Jack, but it's a pretty sad attempt. Elsewhere, Alex and Kate and Sawyer bluff their way into an isolated building and find Karl locked in a room getting his Clockwork Orange on. They free him and flee toward the beach. Back at the OR, Juliet asks Jack to finish Ben's surgery. Why the fuck should I do that, he asks. Because I am going to save your friends, says Juliet. In her flashback Juliet visits her sister again and finds out she's pregnant. Juliet meets with her ex-husband to share the news and he's kind of a douche about it, but it's okay because seconds later he is mowed down by a bus. Kate and Sawyer and Alex and Karl make it to the beach and for the first time Kate seems to accept they are really on a different island. Danny and his goons show up and there is more fighting. Danny gets the upper hand, and is about to shoot Sawyer when Juliet appears out of the jungle and puts a couple bullets into Danny. In flashback, Juliet is at the morgue and is visited by Alpert and Ethan. Alpert introduces his companion, and Juliet finds him vaguely familiar. Alpert again asks her to come work for him at Mittelos. She complains that Portland is too far away and Alpert confesses their operation isn't exactly in Portland. He also knows about her sister's pregnancy and it appears he's had Ethan spying on her. On the beach, Kate radios Jack and says they are being let go. She tells him about the story he told her, about beating his fear. Jack makes her promise to not come back for him. Juliet sends Sawyer, Kate and Karl on their way, but makes Alex stay. It's the only way her father, Ben, will let Karl live. They paddle their boat toward the other island. Meanwhile, Jack tries to stitch up Ben but accidentally nicks an artery. Oops! Jack forces squeamish Tom to assist him with the surgery. He manages to patch Ben up. Later, Jack demands to know what Ben told her to convince her to help Kate and Sawyer. Juliet says Ben agreed to let her leave if she talked Jack into saving his life.

Monday, September 28, 2009

In My Wallet

I'm not sure what I bought to get this little gem, and it is so rare I actually have and/or use cash anyway, but I found this in my wallet recently. It made me chuckle.


Plants vs. Zombies

Just FYI, Plants vs. Zombies may be the greatest game ever in the history of games. And if you don't believe me, just ask Hurley. I've a couple poorly done screen caps here and here. I found out about this game via Jorge Garcia (AKA Hurely from Lost). Then I saw it at Best Buy. Then Best Buy sent me a "free" ten dollar gift card. Then I played Plants vs. Zombies. A lot.


Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day

For September 28

deke \DEEK\ verb

Meaning : to fake (an opponent) out of position (as in ice hockey)

Example Sentence

With a quick move to the left and then right, the forward deked the remaining defenseman and was left one-on-one with the goalie. Hawt.

Did you know?

"Deke" originated as a shortened form of "decoy." Ernest Hemingway used "deke" as a noun referring to hunting decoys in his 1950 novel Across the River and into the Trees ("I offered to put the dekes out with him"). About a decade later, "deke" began appearing in ice-hockey contexts in Canadian print sources as both a verb and a noun ("the act of faking an opponent out of position"). Today, "deke" has scored in many other sports, including baseball, basketball, and football. It has also checked its way into more general usage to refer to deceptive or evasive moves or actions. However, this general application of "deke" has never made it past the defenders. It occurs too rarely in English to merit its own sense in the dictionary.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sunday Brunch

Friday, September 25, 2009


Or, The Cage Match

[Originally Aired November 8, 2006]

Kate slips into a hotel room. Inside she admires her wedding veil. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. "Open up, it's the police!" Uh oh. Kate opens the door, and the cop is Nathan Fillian. He asks her if she wants to bone. Cut to post-boning, and the two lie in bed and ponder their upcoming nuptials. Nathan, AKA Kevin, calls Kate "Monica." This isn't going to end well, is it? Meanwhile, in his cage, Sawyer throws rocks at his buzzer. He seems cranky. Jack looks at Ben's test results and lets him know he should have been operated on "yesterday." Ben will die in a week, Jack tells him. Ben agrees to having surgery ASAP. Ben will die in a week, Jack tells him, because he's not going to operate on him. Psych! Danny rousts Kate and opens her cage. She refuses to go to work without Sawyer. Sawyer seems annoyed she's ruined his day off. Flashback and Kate is putting on her wedding dress. Mom-in-Law-to-be gives "Monica" a family heirloom necklace. Kevin and "Monica" (Kate) get married and live happily ever after. Psych! One night while out shopping, Kate enters a phone booth and whips out an egg timer. She calls Gunfingers and tells him she wants him to stop chasing her. They try to trace her call. Gunfingers says he'll quit chasing her if she quits running. But he knows she won't stop running, not even for her new man. The egg timer rings and Kate slams down the phone. Hey, Gunfingers: Psych! At the Pearl, Locke decides they should bury Eko there. They've had too many funerals at the beach, he says. They've no shovels, and Locke says he'll go fetch some if they wait with the body. Sayid wants to go with Locke but Locke is hesitant but eventually relents. In the jungle Sayid asks what killed Eko. Locke says he's seen the monster and thinks Eko died for a reason. Locke thinks that about everything though. Anyway, the whole trip to get shovels was just a ruse to find Eko's murderstick. Back at the grave, Eko is buried and Locke marks his grave with the stick. As he's pounding it into the earth, Locke notices something carved on it: "Lift up your eyes and look North." At the Hydra, Sawyer and Kate dig more rocks up, and suddenly an alarm starts blaring. "Warning! Compound breach!" Then Alex comes running in and starts nailing Others upside the head with her slingshot. She knocks a couple guards out and yells for Sawyer and Kate to come with her. Danny shows up with a gun and aims it at Alex. She asks about the boy in the cage, and then demands to talk to Ben. The Others jump her and drag her away. She screams to Kate "They're gonna kill your boyfriend just like they killed mine!" Back in her flashback, Kate serves her hubby some lemonade and asks him what he'd do if she were a fugitive. He's confused. Then woozy. She's spiked his drink. He passes out and she puts the heirloom necklace in his hand. At the Hydra, Juliet asks Kate to put on a hood. Kate says "fuck that" until Juliet tells her Danny is going to kill Sawyer but if she puts on the hood and comes with her maybe she can save his life. Juliet takes Kate to Jack. Jack asks if she's okay, asks about Sawyer. She tells him they're being kept in a cage. Then she asks him to perform the operation. Why, he wants to know. She says if he doesn't they'll kill Sawyer. Jack tells her to leave. Kate and Sawyer are taken back to their cages, and Danny tells Kate she should say good-bye to Sawyer tonight. Kate tells Sawyer about Jack and Ben and the surgery. Sawyer doesn't seem to care he's going to die. Kate climbs out of her cage again and breaks the lock on Sawyer's. Sawyer confesses there is nowhere to run to, that they're on a different island altogether. She asks why he never told her. "Because I wanted you to believe we had a damn chance." Kate kisses him. Then they get naked, finally, and get down to business in the cage. Back in his cell, Jack hears a voice through the intercom telling him to try the door. It's unlocked. He wanders the halls. He finds a gun locker and grabs a pistol. He stumbles across Ben's monitoring room, and sees Kate and Sawyer lying naked in each other's arms. Ben walks in and Jack points his gun at him. Ben looks at the monitor and expresses his surprise at the scene, saying he figured Jack was more Kate's type. Jack responds saying he'll do the surgery tomorrow because he really needs to get the fuck off this rock. The next day Jack puts Ben under with an assist from Juliet and a random Other. Meanwhile, Danny runs off to the cages while everyone else is preoccupied. Danny is surprised to find Kate in Sawyer's cage. There is a fight, and Danny drags Sawyer from the cage and puts a gun to his head. Uh oh. In the operating room, Jack pokes Ben with a scalpel and then punches the random dude and tells Juliet to back off. He yells at Tom "I just made a small incision in Ben's kidney sac. Now, if I don't stitch that back up in the next hour, he's dead. Now get in here, and bring that walkie-talkie!" Tom radios Danny and tells him to pick up, it's an emergency. Danny answers the call before he can shoot Sawyer. Tom tells him that Ben is going to die and to give the radio to Kate. Jack asks Kate if she remembers the story he told her on their first day on the island. She does. He tells her to get safe, and when she does, call him on the radio and tell him that story. She says she can't go. He yells "Run, kate, run!"

Thursday, September 24, 2009


You know what I used to love? Snapple Elements. That was an energy drink that was out about ten years ago, came in a snazzy little bottle (see above). They had one that was "Agave" flavoured, or so the label claimed, but it was probably closer in flavour to Cactus Cooler** than the succulent. It was my favourite.

They'll forever be linked in my mind to a shitty job I had at the start of this decade and the long commute home every night. I'd pick one on up (usually late at night) as I'd stop at the filling station. I loved the stuff. I am sure it was very, very bad for me.

Sadly, they don't make this stuff any longer.

** Cactus Cooler is still available, just not in my region. Damn you, Cola Cartel!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Liberace Biopic Update!

Matt Damon has signed up to star as Scott Thorsen opposite Michael Douglas's Liberace in Steven Soderbergh's biopic of the "flamboyant pianist." The script focuses on the palimony suit filed by Thorson and the subsequent court case, so don't expect any snogging between Damon and Douglas up on the big screen.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Speaking of Which...

The Republicans want to be the party of inclusion, and that means including not only people of all races, but including racists as well. That can be, as you may have noticed, a wee bit problematic.

And so Ivan Marte, chair of the Rhode Island Republican Hispanic Assembly, has quit the Republican party.

In his letter to RI GOP chairman Giovanni Cicione, he wrote:
I do hope that my resignation served as a sign, that the Republican Party in this Nation need to reevaluate their position in a Society that it strength and sovereignty depend on the unification of our peoples and not the division that we had build and that we should concentrate our efforts on our simlarity and not on our differences.
In other words, "all your racist bullshit is getting old."

Good on ya, Ivan, I'm sure those socialists on the other side of the aisle will welcome you with open arms.

Marte claims his resignation was prompted, in part, by Joe Wilson's recent outburst. "I do not want to continue being a member of a party in which the members of the party express themselves in that way." He reportedly described Wilson's behavior as "shameful" and "uncivilized."

[Via Think Progress.]

Chuck Norris Wants You To Buy A Flag

I learned two things reading Chuck Norris's latest commentary at WND. First, Chuck has a thesaurus. ("George Washington advised…", "Thomas Jefferson counseled…", "Patrick Henry taught…", "John Adams declared…") Secondly, he is very, very dumb. (Everything else.)

He also wants you to... ummm... Am I the only one experiencing a very vivid moment of déjà vu?

Oh, yeah, you know what? I already wrote this post. Six months ago.

And apparently Chuck is still using the same thesaurus and same patriotic quote compendium (and who says right-wingers hate books?) and is still blaming the ills of the country on Obama.

And he wants you to buy a flag.

Preferably one from the WND gift shop, maybe that lovely 13-star number designed by Betsy Ross, a woman who wasn't allowed to vote. These flags are perfect for Regular Folks who yearn for a simpler time when one group of people were property belonging to another group of people, and those distinctions of class and commodity were made by something so simple and honest as the color of one's skin.

Shit... déjà vu again.

Okay, fuck it, I'm outta here. If you need me I'll be out back in my action jeans practicing with my ninja throwing stars. That, I know, will at least be something new.

But Does God Hate Trucknut'z?

Grammatically challenged witness lists all the very bad and possessive groups who should repent and believe in Jesus. Take that, Catholic's! (Via god hates protesters.)

Also, the look on this woman's face is priceless:

(Plus, sign me up for fag church!)

Monday, September 21, 2009


C-3PO is the gayest robot ever:

Yours truly at the "antique" mall yesterday, trying on some vintage headwear.


Sunday, September 20, 2009


Friday, September 18, 2009

When I'm Not Watching Lost...

...I like to pop one of these tapes into my VCR:

[Via Monkeysforhelping.]

Circa 1985

Deeky, circa 1985

Friday bonus blonde Deeky:

Put on a shirt there, rough trade!

Radio Shakesville

New Podcast: Oh What a Beautiful Morning.

Link. iTunes. List. Pop-up.


Thursday, September 17, 2009


Or, Subterranean Homesick Blues

[Originally Aired November 1, 2006]

Flashback to Nigeria and young Eko steals food to feed Yemi. A nun busts him and forces him to confess his sins, saying God doesn't give two fucks if you're hungry. Jebus. Even God's a douche on this show. On the beach, Eko is still unconscious. Until Yemi appears in his tent telling him he knows where to find him. Then Eko's tent bursts into flames. Hurley and Charlie drag him to safety while the other survivors put out the fire. Charlie sits with Eko for a moment near a tree and Eko mumbles about his brother. Charlie returns to help with the fire until he's asked about Eko. But Eko has disappeared. At the Hydra, Jack is doing pull-ups when Ben interrupts, asking him if he'd like to take a walk. Jack says "You'll just throw a bag over my head and drag me out of here if I say no." Ben offers a pragmatic solution: Don't say no. Duh. He asks Jack to put on a white robe. Jack asks Ben if his neck hurts from the tumor, but Ben plays dumb. The two walk to the beach where Colleen's body lies upon a wooden raft. Ben tells Jack to stay where he is, and then walks down to say a few words at the funeral. Juliet approaches Jack and says hello before heading down to the beach. Colleen is set alight and the boat pushed out to sea. Ben asks Juliet why she told Jack about his tumor. She says she didn't, Jack hoodwinked Ben. In Nigeria, flashback flash-forward as the soldiers who "rescued" Eko drop him off at Yemi's church. Eko stumbles into his new role as village priest, taking an altar boy under his wing and dealing with local smugglers. When a warlord arrives demanding his cut of the UN's vaccine, Eko refuses to bow to his threats, telling them he is not afraid of them. One of the gunmen shoots a villager and tells Eko he'll have more blood on his hands if he doesn't cooperate. On the beach, Locke puts together a search party to find Eko. Locke says "anyone want to come along?" which kind of freaks some people out because that's not how Jack did things. "I'm not Jack," says Locke. Nikki and Paulo tag along to make up for feeling left out of two seasons worth of adventure. Jack is back in his aquarium and Ben visits and the two talk about his tumor. Ben wants Jack to want to help him. Ben asks Jack if he believes in God. Jack asks if Ben does. "Two days after I found out I had a fatal tumor on my spine, a spinal surgeon fell out of the sky. And if that's not proof of God, I don't know what is." Eko stumbles through the jungle and starts seeing bloody Nigerians all around him. He sees the altar boy. He sees the smoke monster. He sees Locke, but that one's not a hallucination. Sayid, Locke, Nikki, Paulo, Eko and Desmond reach the Pearl and all go inside. Except Eko and Locke who try to make the plane accessible. Eko discovers that Yemi's body is not in the plane. Locke suggest the fire destroyed it or maybe wild animals. Eko seems dissatisfied with these answers. Locke asks Eko what he say, saying he once saw something white and bright and beautiful in the jungle. That's not what Eko saw. Locke then joins the others in the hatch, leaving Eko alone up top. In Nigeria Eko makes a deal to sell the vaccine himself, and when the smugglers get wind of it the visit him at the church. They say they won't kill him, but will only cut off his hands. Eko beats the shit out of them, and ends up killing them all. In the church. Oh, that's got to be bad luck. Juliet visits jack and offers to play him a movie. He complains. She says she'll play it anyway, she'll just turn the sounds down. She sticks in the tape and rolls the monitor close to the glass. But She appears on screen, holding a placard. "Ignore Everything I'm Saying" is written on it. Suddenly it turns into an INXS video and she goes all Michael Hutchence and starts flipping through the cards. The second says "Ben is a liar." Basically, in the cards she asks him to kill Ben while he's on the operating table and to make it look like an accident. Out loud she gives him some wanky speech about free will and hopes he'll save Ben. In the Pearl, Nikki suggests they check out what's on the other channels and Locke feels like a dumbass for not trying that earlier. Paulo finds out the toilet works. Good thing for everyone, Poopy McSkidmark. Sayid dinks with the wiring trying to find another channel. One of the screens flips from static to another hatch. There's a guy with an eyepatch staring back at them Then the man reaches toward the camera and it flips back to static. "I guess he'll be expecting us," says Locke. In Nigeria the villagers board up the church as Eko leaves. It's been tainted by murder. Outside the pearl, Eko is approached by Yemi. Eko follows him into the jungle where Yemi asks him if he's ready to confess. Eko says that when he was a boy he killed a man to save his brother's life. He's not sorry for what he's done. It was the life he was handed and he did what he had to to survive. Yemi says Eko is speaking to him like he's his brother, before turning away again. Eko follows demanding to know who he is. The smoke monster returns and grabs Eko and beats the shit out of him. A big smokefist grabs Eko and slams him into the trees and the ground. The attack is so violent that Locke and his companions hear it all the way down in the hatch. They scramble out and find Eko bleeding and broken. Locke tries to comfort Eko and Eko whispers into Locke's ear. Eko dies in Locke's arms. Sayid asks what Eko whispered. "He said we're next."

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Shorter Pat Buchanan

"But what about us whites dudez?"
One part of America loves her history, another reviles it as racist, imperialist and genocidal. Old heroes like Columbus, Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee are replaced by Dr. King and Cesar Chavez.
Read the whole thing. It's hilarious.

Finally! Proof of the Liberal Media Bias™

It can no longer be denied:
Here's a sign the Washington Post is a liberal newspaper: today's Adam Bernstein obituary for Patrick Swayze begins obviously by noting his big hits "Ghost" and "Dirty Dancing," but doesn't get to "Red Dawn" until paragraph 23. Even then, Bernstein wrongly suggests he had a supporting role.


"Road House", "Next of Kin", and "Point Break" appeared in paragraph 12. The next paragraph even brought up the drag-queen turn.
And there you have it: Proof of the Liberal Media Bias™. If only Bernstein (where's his birth certificate anyway?) had mentioned that NRA-machine-gun-and-apple-pie-wankfest earlier in his obit, his Liberal Media Bias™ may have gone unnoticed.

[Via Media Matters.]

Science Facts!

Top six planets an alien invasion of Earth is most likely to originate from (in descending order):

1. Mars

2. Planet 10

3. LV-426

4. Planet Ro-Man

5. Lizardania

6. The Planet of the Apes


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Costumed Kali and Juni

Kali (above) and Juni (below) try on new costumes.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Or, One Con Is As Good As Another

[Originally Aired October 25, 2006]

Juliet brings Jack some lunch and the two discuss who runs things at the Hydra. Jack seems to think Ben is in charge, a suggestion Juliet dismisses. She claims they make decisions as a group. At that very moment, Ben busts in and tells her to come with him. Now. She's annoyed, because now she looks like a douche in front of Jack. Colleen has been brought back to the Hydra, she's bleeding and unconscious. At the cages, Danny is about to let Kate and Sawyer out, but is interrupted with news about his wife. Everyone scurries off in a panic. Sawyer smiles, and Kate asks why he is happy. This is their chance to make a break for it, he says. Flashback and Sawyer is boxing. In a prison rec room. After his match he heads back to his cell and witnesses another prisoner being beaten on. Quickly guards and the warden intervene on the man's behalf. Turns out the man is in prison for stealing $10M, but the money was never recovered. Later, in the prison workshop, Sawyer befriends the man, Munson, and warns him the warden is trying to get the money, and will pit his wife against him to do it. The warden is a douche to Sawyer, but Sawyer just takes it. At the Hydra, Sawyer comes up with a plan. He will flood his cell, and when one of the Others opens the cage, he'll grab them and trigger the cage puzzle giving them both a shock. It's an okay plan, excepting how Ben watches everything they do and say through the cameras, so when he approaches the cage later Sawyer's plan fails. Ben instead beats the shit out of Sawyer, knocking him unconscious. I guess Sawyer's role this year is punching bag. On the beach Desmond tells Claire she needs to move from her tent for the evening so he can fix her roof. She thinks he's bonkers and insists the roof is just peachy, or whatever the Aussie version of "peachy" is. Back at the prison, Munson visits with his wife and the two bicker. Sawyer has a visitor too. It's Cassidy, the women he conned out of $600K. She tells him he's the father of her baby, but he gets pissed and walks away saying he has no daughter. That's kind of douchey, but then again, what good is a con man for a father? At the Hydra, Sawyer wakes up strapped to a table. They shove a stick in his mouth and tell him to bite. Why? he asks. "For the pain." Then someone goes all Pulp Fiction on him and jabs him in the heart with a giant needle. Jebus, Sawyer has some shitty-ass karma, doesn't he? Sawyer wakes again and he's bandages on his chest and Ben comes in with a rabbit in a cage and holds it over Sawyer's face. I have a 1984 flashback. The rabbit has an eight painted on his ass. Ben shakes the cages until the bunny drops dead. Someone places a pulse monitor on Sawyer's arm. What the fuck? asks Sawyer. Ben explains how they've put a pacemaker in him, just like the bunny had, and if his pulse goes over 140, his heart will explode. Jebus, Sawyer has some shitty-ass karma, doesn't he? Ben tells him not to tell Kate what they did or that they're monitoring them or anything or they'll put one in her too. They dump Sawyer back in his cage and Kate asks what they did and says nothing happened. She doesn't believe him. On the beach, Desmond borrows a five iron from Paulo, who is kind of a douche. Welcome aboard, newbie, looks like you'll fit right in! At the Hydra, Juliet visits Jack, and she's covered in blood and asks if he will help save Colleen. At the cages, an alarm starts blaring. Kate and Sawyer see Jack being escorted past, a hood over his head. They yell for him, but the alarm drowns them out. Jack enters the Hydra's hospital and begins looking at the x-rays. "Those aren't hers," Juliet tells him. She directs him toward the operating room, and Ben gets mad. Juliet and Ben argue and finally agree to let Jack operate. It does no good. Colleen's heart stops. Jack asks for the defibrillator. It's broken, Juliet informs him. Jack tries CPR. No luck. Jack pronounces her dead at ... there's no clock. Danny goes nuts, and runs out of the room. He drags Sawyer from his cage and pounds the shit out of him. Jebus, Sawyer has some shitty-ass karma, doesn't he? As he beats Sawyer, Danny asks if Kate loves him. He punches Sawyer until she admits she loves him. Back at the prison, Munson has asked Sawyer to help him move the money to a safe location. Later, Sawyer meets with the warden and the feds and tells them where Munson hid the money. In return he is freed and he receives a commission on the money. Sawyer tells the feds to put the money in an account under his daughter's name, and to be sure she never finds out where the money came from. Back at the cages Kate realizes she can probably squeeze out of the top of the cage: the bars are wider there. She climbs out and tries to figure a way to get Sawyer out of his cage. He tells her to leave him, saying "If you really love me, go." She replies "I only said that so he'd stop hitting you." Ouch. She climbs back in her cage. Near Claire's tent Dez starts building ... something. It's a tall, thin structure. The five iron caps it, and Dez runs wire from the golf club to the sand below. Hurley asks if it's supposed to be art, because it's nine million times better than anything Jeff Koons ever made. Hurley is about to wander off but Dez tells him to wait a second. A moment later it starts to rain. Then lightning strikes, hitting the five iron. Hurley eyes Dez again, suspecting, perhaps, Dez does have a new superpower. Jack is handcuffed to the operating table. Juliet apologizes for bringing him here. He asks about the x-rays. She refuses to tell him. Then Jack says whoever they are, they have a tumor on their spine and will be dead soon. "Who am I here to save?" he asks. Ben pulls Sawyer from his cage and they take a long walk across the island. As they climb a hill, Sawyer's heart rate rises and he says this seems like a lot of trouble to kill him. Ben reaches into his messenger bag (fuckin' hipster) and pulls out white rabbit number eight. Ben tells him they merely gave the rabbit a sedative. And all they gave to Sawyer was doubt. Sawyer punches Ben in the mouth. Ben leads Sawyer to the top of the hill. In the distance is another island. What the hell? Ben explains, that is Sawyer's island over there. There's nowhere to escape to. Sawyer is pissed, and Ben explains it's hard to con a con artist. Fortunately Ben is a better con man.


I shot this over the weekend with my cell phone (hence the crappy resolution and dreadful sound quality). If I'd had the money, this lovely piece of vintage rock-n-roll memorabilia would already be on its way to Liss's house. Next paycheck, I guess.


Saturday, September 12, 2009


Or, Clean Up On Aisle Five

[Originally Aired October 18, 2006]

Locke wakes. He's lying on the floor of the jungle. He's dazed. Off in the distance, someone scurries by. Locke tries to yell out, but cannot get any words out. He pulls himself to his feet, but is almost brained when Eko's murderstick falls from a tree and nearly hits him. He stumbles back to the beach and the first person he runs into is Charlie. Lucky him. Flashback and Locke is driving a truck on some lonely country road. He stops to pick up some hawt rough trade hitchhiking in the rain. They young man introduces himself as Eddie, a young runaway headed to Eureka to find work as a lumberjack. Then a cop pulls them over. Locke has a fuckton of guns in the bed of his truck. But his papers are in order and the cop lets them go. Locke invites Eddie to his hippie commune farm for dinner. And jebus, why does Locke have a different job every time we see him? Anyway, he still has his hair and can still walk. I keep thinking every episode is gonna be the one where we learn how he was paralyzed. Locke shows Eddie around the farm, pointing out the sweat lodge, before taking him to the very long picnic table where everyone is seated. Locke says grace thanking God for his new family, which is way better than his last family, which sucked monkey ass. Eddie thanks him for bringing him here. On the beach, Locke is still unable to talk and, of course, Charlie has to be a douche about it. Locke says (well, writes on paper) that he'll be able to talk again when he has something important to say. Then Locke asks Charlie for help talking to the island. Charlie says "I detest you" but agrees to help Locke nonetheless. Locke builds a sweat lodge on the floor of the never-completed church, chugs some of that hallucinogenic paste he makes and climbs inside. Charlie stands outside and keeps watch. In the lodge, Boone appears and Locke mouths an apology for killing him. Boone sort of accepts his apology, but seems kind of bitter about being dead. Maybe he's just bitter about not being on the show anymore. Boone tells him he has something to show him. Locke tries to stand, but is unable to move. "Oh, no, buddy, you're gonna need your wheels" says Boone, pointing to Locke's wheelchair. Boone pushes Locke through the Sydney airport, telling him "someone in this airport is in serious danger. You are the only one who can save them." Most of the Losties are there. Locke points to them and Boone shoots him down every time with shit like "Sayid doesn't need help from an punk like you" or, when they see Jack being wanded by Ben, "There's nothing you can do for him, you gotta clean up your own mess first." Boone wheels him to the escalator. Locke looks up and Boone is at the top. Come up here, he says. Well, shit. Locke abandons the chair and rides the stairs up on his belly. Once to the top Locke drags himself across the floor until he finds Eko's murderstick and a pool of blood. Back in the sweat lodge a polar bear lunges at Locke. He exits the lodge and tells Charlie he has to save Eko. At the farm, Eddie's been hanging around for six weeks and him and Locke are getting along famously. Eddie spies fellow communists unloading lots and lots of fertilizer into a greenhouse and asks Locke about it. Locke tells him to mind his own business. Eddie demands to know what they're planning to blow up and wants in on the action. Locke giggles and says he'll talk to Mike and Jan, the group's leaders, and see if they'll let him in on it. Whatever "it" is. In the jungle Locke tells Charlie that a polar bear has Eko and there is not much time to save him. The two wander past the hatch. Or what's left of it. It's just a crater now, the hatch having imploded. Further on, they here some rustling in the jungle and Locke pulls a knife. Something approaches through the jungle and Locke throws his knife. It's Hurley. His canteen has been speared. Hurley tells Locke about Ben and the Others and their prisoners, and Locke sends him on his way telling him to watch out for bears. "Bears?" Hurley asks. In Flashbackistan, Locke visits the greenhouse to talk to Jan and Mike about Eddie. But they're in a panic, stuffing bundles of weed into duffle bags. They hand Locke a file. It's info on Eddie. Turns out the guy is a narc. Locke is all what-the-fuck about it, saying he just picked up a random hitchhiker, there's no way this could be a sting operation. Jan and Mike tell Locke he's fucked everything up, and they'll all have to jam. But Locke says he can fix it. And by fix it, I think he means he can kill Eddie. In the jungle Hurley bumps into Desmond who is buck naked. Hurley doesn't want to look at his wang and gives him one of his shirts. Dez explains about the failsafe key and the implosion. Hurley asks if Dez is going to turn into the Hulk now or something. I'm thinking he's going to become Supernekkidman or The Avenging Wang. One or the other. Hurley tells Dez about the Others and Dez says it's okay, Locke will rescue everyone and save the day, like he said in his speech. Huh? Hurley is confused and Dez says he must be too. At the farm, Eddie and Locke go hunting and somewhere in the redwoods Locke asks if they picked him on purpose. Eddie tries to play dumb but fails and tells Locke he was picked because of his psychological profile. Apparently the cops have a file some where with Locke's picture and the word "chump" written next to it with a Sharpie. Locke raises his rifle and Eddie raises his and Locke tells him he didn't load Eddie's. Uh oh. Eddie tells him Locke is no killer and walks away. He's right. Locke cannot pull the trigger. In the jungle Locke and Charlie find a cave. Must be the bear's they surmise. Locke makes a torch and slathers himself in mud and heads inside. Again Charlie is left to stand guard outside. In the cave, Locke stumbles over some toys (creepy!) and finds lots of bones, including some former humans in Dharma T-Shirts. He finally locates Eko and the polar bear shows up. The two play tug-of-war with Eko and Locke uses hairspray as a flamethrower and forces the bear into retreat. Locke carries him out of the cave and Charlie runs off to get water. Locke tells Eko he's sorry about getting the hatch blown up, and Eko tells him it's okay, the Great White Hunter will still save the day. Charlie returns and sees that Eko is still unconscious. Charlie and Locke drag Eko into the camp, and someone yells out to get Jack. Hurley pipes up and tells everyone that Jack and the rest have been captured. Immediately two random survivors start giving him shit for not telling them sooner. Jebus, he just strolled into camp, didn't he? Who are these douches? "Paulo and Nikki, bring towels and water." Oh, that's Paulo and Nikki. Must be the new folks in the opening credits. Way to make an entrance. To stifle panic, Locke gives a nice speech saying he'll rescue everyone and save the day. Hurley has some serious déjà vu. Then he stares curiously at Desmond.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Headline of the Day

Spelling is a trap!

Spelling is so overrated anyway.

If It's Friday, It's A Douchebag!

Hey, remember Joe Wilson? He's the douchebag who belly-flopped his way into the national spotlight as America's Latest Embarrassment on the Right™ when he heckled the President Wednesday night. Well, all that who-the-hell-was-that? has resulted into a bit of googling and binging into his background. Which, it seems, may have unearthed at least one zombified skeleton in it. Wilson lists himself as a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. Who the hell are they, you ask?

The SPLC describes the Sons of Confederate Veterans as "a Southern heritage group ... largely dominated by racial extremists." I'm kinder in my assessment. I prefer to think of them as just a bunch of Regular Folks who yearn for a simpler time when one group of people were property belonging to another group of people, and those distinctions of class and commodity were made by something so simple and honest as the color of one's skin. The Good Old Days, as they're now known.

Wilson was also one of the self-proclaimed "Magnificent Seven" who fought to keep the Confederate flag flying above the South Carolina state capitol. Ironic, that, to anyone who's actually seen The Magnificent Seven. But then, Joe Wilson is no Steve McQueen. In fact, Joe Wilson is not even a Robert Vaughn.

So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe Wilson's outburst was not because he let his "emotions get the best of [him]" but maybe because he just can't stomach the idea of a black man as his President and refuses to give him the respect he deserves.

By the way, though Wilson later apologized for the outburst, he followed up that totes sincere apology by commenting "I will not be muzzled." Which, you know, totally doesn't undermine his apology at all.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Love Technology

Guess what? I downloaded iTunes 9 today and somehow it erased all 13,583 songs off my iPod. Nice one, Apple!


Facts (About Zombies)

Top five awesomest movie zombies (in descending order):

1. Carrefour

2. The Blind Dead

3. The ½ Lady Corpse

4. The Aztec Mummy

5. Re-Animated Dean Halsey

Honourable Mention: Cesare*

* Technically ineligible for being neither dead/undead nor properly zombified.

(More here and here.)


Movies You Can't Netflix: Journey To An Unknown World

(Having friends who spend their free time trading 8th generation dubs of obscure B-movies through the mail can have its priveleges. Sometimes you end up with real gems, like today's feature, a bizzaro "comedy" from 1971 Brasil written, directed and starring Flávio Migliaccio.)

Despite being a bumbling, irresponsible fool, Manuelo (Flávio Migliaccio) takes his three nephews on vacation every summer. He comes across as sort of a Brazilian prototype of Roberto Benigni. (And no, I don't consider that a compliment.) As for the kids, well there's the chubby one, the young one, and the other one. They all have different colored hats, which is helpful.

Manuelo and the children head into the Amazon, hoping to find adventure. They're also hoping to find Grandpa, who's been communicating with aliens. The kids' parents aren't too fond of this idea, as Manuelo's last two escapades have landed him on the front page of the newspaper. It isn't clear whether their father is upset that the kids were endangered or if it's just the idea of scandal that bothers him. Not that Father intervenes at all, mind you.

Manuelo and the nephews (Mario, Paco, and Diego) locate Grandpa's camp, but the old man is nowhere to be found. Luckily, a UFO lands and two animated (that is, they're cartoons) aliens tell them Grandpa has been kidnapped. As they explain, their race is held captive on a far away planet by a merciless gang of robots. The only thing that can free them is the Flower of Wisdom and Adventure™ that the robots have hidden in the rain forest. So, an advanced robot has been sent to Earth, kidnapped Grandpa, and is on a mission to retrieve the flower before the aliens can use it against their captors. I guess this was the inspiration for all those Terminator movies.

The four head into the rainforest hoping to intercept Grandpa and the robot. It isn't very long before they're lost, thanks to the less-than-brilliant idea of marking their trail through the jungle with flowers. As soon as they're lost Manuelo decides to abandon the kids and search for the robot on his own, proving himself the worst guardian in Brazil. His nephews wander the jungle for days, nearly dying of dehydration. The only thing that spares them is a sudden thunderstorm. This also affords them the opportunity to frolic naked in the rain, making this film a lot like Lord of the Flies, but with robots.

The boys are captured by a band of smugglers (I think) and locked into cages. But soon enough they not only escape but lead an insurrection among the natives to overthrow their slave masters. I'd say this is an obvious bit of foreshadowing but I don't think the filmmakers put quite that much thought into things. Meanwhile Manuelo has found Grandpa and his captor.

Grandpa sends Manuelo ahead to the location of the flower so he can warn the local villagers of the robot's plans. In the meantime he's going to figure out a way to defeat the robot. If you ask me, it looks like if you gave the robot a good shove he'd topple over and be rendered harmless, but what do I know?

Manuelo and the kids somehow manage to find one another, just in time to get lost again. They stumble around, dehydrating once more, hoping to find water. I always imagined the rainforest was a lush, damp place, but I guess it's not. Manuelo comes up with another dumb idea to follow a turtle around in the hopes he'll find water for them. When they do eventually find water (and it seems to take them a very long time), their swim in the river is rudely cut short by a fleet of hungry crocodiles.

They escape the crocs, shoot (and eat) a jaguar, and eventually make it to the village. Unfortunately the language barrier prevents Manuelo from effectively communicating with the natives, and they're unable to warn them of the impending doom. And when the robot does arrive, the villagers flee into the jungle.

So it's up to Manuelo, Mario, Paco, and Diego to defeat the robot. And just in the nick of time, Grandpa discovers that the robot's only weakness is a wire sticking out of his neck. One of the kids yanks it loose and the robot explodes. (And no, I have no idea how Grandpa got there.)

The aliens then land to claim the flower, and invite them all aboard the flying saucer. Well, everyone except Grandpa. I guess he's something of a buzzkill so he gets Left Behind. Stepping into the flying saucer turns everyone into a cartoon, and we're treated to a ten minute sequence of animated hijinks.

The saucer, with Manuelo and the boys onboard, returns to its home planet. One whiff of the fragrant flower empowers all the little aliens to rise up against the robots, and once again, the boys are leading a slave insurrection. Needless to say, the cute green aliens overthrow the robots, with plenty of help from Mario, Paco, and Diego. Uncle Manuelo mostly bumbles around, getting in the way.

Everyone lives happily ever after. Manuelo even made it through two sequels. I'm not sure I could do as much.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

In Bed With Lobbyists


Conservadouche, California State Legislator, and all-round defender of "family values," Michael Duvall made the mistake recently of bragging to a comrade about the two lobbyists with whom he was carrying on illicit sexual affairs. While sitting too near an open mic. Oops!

Just FYI:
Duvall has "blasted" efforts to promote gay marriage, and got a 100 percent score from the Capitol Resource Institute, which describes its mission as to "educate, advocate, protect, and defend family-friendly policies in the California state legislature". In March, a spokeswoman for the group called Duvall "a consistent trooper for the conservative causes," adding that "for the last two years, he has voted time and time again to protect and preserve family values in California."
Of course.

Countdown to tearful apology/press conference starts.... Now!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


Or, Working On The Chain Gang

[Originally Aired October 11 2006]

A little tiny Sun knocks over a crystal ballerina sculpture and it shatters all over Daddy's floor. She darts away. Later, her father confronts her with the shrapnel and asks if she broke it. Nope, says Sun, the maid did it. Her father doesn't believe her. He tells her if she sticks to her story he'll have to fire the maid. Sun blames the maid again. Daddy storms off, presumably to fire the maid. All this high-mined moral bullshit is kind of a laugh coming from someone who routinely has people beaten and killed. Anyway, who says he has to fire the maid? First off, he obviously thinks Sun is lying. Secondly, even if she wasn't, is breaking some cheap trinket cause to fire a loyal employee? Whatever. Sun's father is just a douche. Christ, three minutes in and I'm already annoyed. Okay, flash forward and a grown up Sun is in bed with Lee. Now I don't know who's the father of her baby. I mean, it could have been that the island magically fixed Jin's broken spunk the way it fixed Locke's legs and Rose's cancer. Or maybe Lee doesn't use condoms. Anyway, Lee tells Sun he doesn't want to share her and suggests the two of them run away to America. Lee offers Sun a pearl necklace as a sign of his devotion. But then Sun's father kicks in the door and spoils all their fun. In the Hydra hatch, Juliet and Ben learn that Sayid, Jin and Sun are at the dock. And they have a sailboat! Ben freaks and demands the boat be captured, sending out a squad of Dharma Initiative commandos to fetch it Flashback to Sun's father's office and he summons Jin telling him Lee has been "stealing" from him and Jin needs to go over to his place and kill him. Jin refuses, saying he will have to resign instead. Jin's father (I really need to find out his name) tells him he is his son now and the shame he suffers is now Jin's shame too and blah blah blah. Jin kicks in the door of Lee's apartment and beats the shit out of him, telling him he will have to disappear. I guess that's better than being dead. Downstairs, a bit later, Jin sits in his car, upset, and then... ka-blammo!: Lee lands on the hood of Jin's car, pearls in hand, an apparent suicide. I guess dead is better. At the dock, Sayid, Jin and Sun argue about what to do next, since none of their friends ever showed up to the Others' camp. They bicker and Jin is kind of douchey to Sun, a recurring theme with him, it seems. He wants to head back to the beach. Meanwhile, Sayid and Sun decide to stall, using the language barrier to dupe him. Jin understands English more than either of them give him credit for and figures out their ruse pretty quickly. Nonetheless he agrees to help set a trap for the Others by building a signal fire at the dock to draw them out. Elsewhere, Sawyer and Kate are pulled from their cages and led through the compound. Sawyer watches two people (Colleen and Danny, I looked it up) whisper and then smooch. Colleen and her armed companions head off in the opposite direction while Danny takes Kate and Sawyer further into the compound where they are put to work. Kate refuses until she sees Jack. Sawyer is tazered for her insubordination. Kate gets to breaking rocks and Sawyer wheelbarrows them around. What are they building? A landing strip? While working near some shrubs, someone whispers to Kate. It's Alex. She asks if Kate has seen the boy who was locked up in the cage. Kate hasn't. Alex then tells Kate that her new dress used to belong to her before scurrying off. Juliet tosses Sawyer a canteen. He smiles at her before pouring the contents out onto the ground. He then stares at Kate's ass until she tell shim to stop. He stops, but only long enough to race up to her and kiss her. Then all hell breaks loose. Danny and some other Others pull the two apart and Sawyer starts throwing punches and there is a donnybrook that ends with Sawyer taking one of their rifles. Juliet shouts "James!" and tells him sternly, but calmly, to put down the gun. Juliet is holding a pistol to Kate. Sawyer complies and Danny tazers him. Again. At the dock Sun is sent back to the boat while Jin and Sayid hide in the bushes, waiting to ambush the Others. Flashback and Sun watches Lee's funeral from afar, until her father arrives telling her she should not be here. Sun asks if he plans to tell Jin and her and Lee. It's not his place, he says. But I guess it was his place to spy on her and break into her hotel room and send his son-in-law to kill her lover. What a douche. On the boat, Sun washes up until she hears footsteps up on deck. Colleen makes her way into the hull and Sun aims her pistol at her. Colleen tells her to put down the gun. Sun tells her to piss off, and Colleen says "Despite what you may think, I'm not the enemy. We are not the enemy. But if you shoot me, that's exactly what we'll become." She take another step closer and Sun shoots her in the belly. All hell breaks loose on the boat as Colleen's comrades try to capture Sun. Sayid and Jin come running from the jungle. How did the Others get past them? Sun manages to slip into the water as the Others speed away in the boat. Jin jumps in the water and grabs her. At the cages, Kate and Sawyer discuss their afternoon. She asks why Juliet called him James. "That's my name." Sawyer tells Kate most of the Others seem to be poor fighters and uncomfortable with the guns. Except Juliet. She would have plugged Kate without hesitation. "I noticed something else, too," says Sawyer. "You taste like strawberries." Kate replies "You taste like fish biscuits." They contemplate there next move, unaware that Ben is watching and listening via closed circuit TV. Later, Ben visits Jack and introduces himself. "Hi, my name is Benjamin Linus and I've lived on this island all my life." What the hell? Ben tells Jack that if he cooperates and does what Ben asks, he'll send him home. Home to the U.S.

Deeky Wears White After Labor Day

Nice hands, freak.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Labor Day YouTubery

Martini Ranch: How Can the Labouring Man Find Time for Self-Culture?


Holiday Filler

Last of the random pictures. Happy holidays!

Dashing pumpkins.

Vacant house in the woods.

Juni and Kali wait for Santa.

Kafkaesque sweetener.

Peek-a-boo rodent.


Saturday, September 05, 2009


Or, Caged Heat

[Originally Aired October 4, 2006]

In a suburban house, a woman prepares for guests, arranging chairs, baking muffins. As the doorbell rings she burns her hand and drops her baked goods. A while later the woman, now identified as Juliet, hosts a book club meeting, and she bickers with some douche about her selection, "Carrie" by Stephen King. The guy says Ben wouldn't wipe his ass with this book (whoever he and his ass is), but Juliet defends it saying it is her favourite book. Then the house starts to shake and rumble. Shit, it's an earthquake. Oh, wait, no, this isn't an earthquake, is it!? Everyone rushes outside, the suburban neighborhood is alive with panicked activity. And Fake Henry is there. He stares up into the sky and Oceanic 815 splits apart above him and plummets to the ground. Holy shit. Quickly Fake Henry barks orders, sending Ethan toward the front half of the plane, Goodwin toward the tail. They are to blend in with the survivors, observe, and in three days bring him a list. The two run off. Fake Henry asks Juliet if he's been booted out of the book club. The camera pulls out revealing the suburban community is nestled deep in the island's jungle. Jack wakes in a damp cell. Chains dangle above him as he lies on a table. A bandage on his arms indicates his blood has been taken. One wall is completely made of glass. Jack pounds on it and screams out for Kate. She wakes, somewhere else, on the floor of a locker room. Her blood has been taken too. Tom is there and tells her to shower. She refuses to get naked in front of him. He laughs and tells her she's not his type. Does Lost have its first homo? I mean, aside from Boone. And Ana Lucia. He wanders off, leaving Kate to her shower. Sawyer wakes, he's in a cage in what looks like a zoo. Across the way is another cage, and a boy is in it. Sawyer shouts to him, but the kid ignores him. There is a giant button on the wall with a knife and fork painted on it. Sawyer pushes it and a recording plays "Warning!" Sawyer pushes it again. Same thing. As he starts to push it again, the boy warns him not to. Sawyer pushes it a third time and receives an electric shock. (He better get used to that.) Flashback and Jack is stalking his wife. Nice. Is everyone on this show a giant douche? At her lawyer's office Jack demands to know who she's seeing. She refuses to tell him. Later he's at the hospital going through her cell phone records calling everyone on her phone bill, desperately trying to track down her new beau. Old Man Shephard arrives and tells Jack to stop acting like a douche but Jack keeps on dialing. And his dad's phone starts ringing. Busted! Old Man Shephard tells him to let it go. Jack doesn't, and sometime later he watches as Dad gets another call and he laughs and chuckles light-heartedly. Jack, naturally, starts stalking his father. Everyone on this show a giant douche. Jack follows Dad to a hotel and thinks he's gonna catch him boning his wife. Turns out Old Man Shephard is attending an A.A. meeting and even has 50 days sobriety under his belt. Not that that stops Jack from punching him and accusing him of fucking Sarah. Jebus. Sarah bails Jack out of jail, telling him her father called and let him know where he was. Outside the jail Jack sees a stranger waiting for asks Sarah. It's not Old Man Shephard. Sarah tells Jack when he called he was so drunk she could barely understand him. But look on the bright side, she continues, now Jack has someone to fix. Ouch. Okay, back to the island, Jack climbs up the chains and screams and Juliet comes in and tells him to settle down. He demands to know where Kate and Sawyer are. She says she'll tell him if he lets go the chains. He doesn't. Kate finishes her shower and tries to get dressed but her clothes are missing. In their place hangs a cute little sun dress and a note telling her to put it on. Tom escorts her to the beach, where she sees Fake Henry sitting on a quaint, Gilligany gazebo. Breakfast is ready. Fake Henry tells her to put on the handcuffs sitting on the table. She asks where Sawyer and Jack are, and Fake Henry wonders why she said Sawyer first. She asks him why he's serving her breakfast. He tells her he wanted to give her something nice to hold onto, since the next two weeks will be very unpleasant. In his cell Jack monkeys with the intercom until he hears Old Man Shephard saying "Let it go." Juliet offers him a sandwich through the glass. She offers through the glass, I mean. The sandwich will be delivered through the door. But only if Jack sits on the far end and promises to behave. Juliet asks Jack what he does and Jack claims to be an unmarried repo man. He refuses to sit down so Juliet eats his sandwich and leaves. In his cage, Sawyer tries to figure out the buttons. Across the way the boy ask him questions about their camp. Then the boy picks his lock and opens his cage. An alarm sounds. Quickly he unlocks Sawyer's cage and tells him to run off in the opposite direction. Sawyer runs into Juliet who tazers him. Back in his cage, the boy, Karl, is brought to him, beaten and bloody. He apologizes to Sawyer for involving him in his escape attempt, and is then dragged away. Juliet again visits Jack and convinces him to eat. She tells him to sit in the corner of his cell, which he does but when Juliet enters he pounces her and holds a jagged shard of broken plate to her throat and drags her out into the hallway. He finds a door and tells her to open it. She refuses saying they'll die if she does that. Fake Henry arrives. Jack threatens to kill her if the door isn't opened. Fake Henry says he may was well kill because if he opens the door they will all die anyway. Jack calls their bluff and opens the door. A torrent of seawater flows into the hall. Oops. I guess they weren't bluffing. Fake Henry makes it to the exit but locks Juliet and Jack inside. Everyone on this show a giant douche. Juliet and Jack struggle to get the door closed. Luckily they do. Then Juliet punches Jack, knocking him out. Sawyer finally figures out the order of buttons and levers in his puzzle cage, and he is rewarded with a fish biscuit, some kibble and water. Yummy. Tom puts Kate in Karl's cage and congratulates Sawyer on his biscuit, before commenting that the bears figured it out in only two hours. Sawyer asks how many bears there were, but doesn't mention the one he killed. Sawyer gives Kate his biscuit. Jack wakes up and Juliet is on the other side of the glass. He realizes he's in an aquarium, and Juliet confirms they're in the Hydra station. She shows him a stack of papers, telling him it's his life. She knows he's a doctor and blah blah blah and he asks if there is anything in the file about Sarah. There is she, tells him. Jack asks if she's happy. She is, says Juliet. Juliet steps back into the hallway, and Fake Henry is there. "Good work," he says. "Thank you, Ben."

Friday, September 04, 2009

About That Boat...

You know, I'm thinking, I kind of hope Michael and Walt get off the island. That's how much I dislike Michael. Sail off into the sunset. Just so long as you're off the show.

Skwerl Fu

Cape skwerlz in Etosha, Namibia, defend their colony from interlopers:



More Filler

More random pictures. This time from the Deeky Gashlycrumb Photographic Arts Library Archive and Bathhouse.

Sunset view from backyard.

Fire-breathing chicken.

Bun Boy Motel. (Insert own entendre here.)

Electric palm trees.

Deeky the wolfboy.


Thursday, September 03, 2009


Or, Determination and Consequences

[Originally Aired May 24, 2006]

Jack, Sayid, and Sawyer strip down to their pants and pistols and swim out to the boat. Hawtness ensues as they climb onto the deck dripping wet. As they skulk around gunfire emanates from below deck. Uh oh. Sayid kicks in the hatch. Sitting below is a very drunk Desmond, holding a rifle and laughing. Huh? Flashback and Desmond is being released from a military prison. Among his personal effects returned to him is a copy of Our Mutual Friend by Dickens. The guard asks why he didn't take the book with him to the cell. Desmond didn't want to be tempted to read it. He wants it to be the last thing he ever reads. The guard is flummoxed, commenting that will only work if you know when you're going to die. Desmond is dishonorably discharged. Outside the prison a limousine is waiting. Desmond seems displeased by this. He is invited into the limo. Inside is an old English dude holding two boxes. One contains Desmond's past, he explains, the other his future. He pops the lid off the first one: It is filled with undelivered letters from Desmond to Penny. Dez is pissed. The other contains a big stack of cash: Dez's payoff for never contacting the man's daughter ever again. On the island, Dez tells Jack he sailed due west for two weeks, long enough to reach Australia or Africa or just about anywhere. But he ended up right back at the island. Dez is convinced the islands is inescapable. He drowns his sorrows in Dharma scotch. Meanwhile, in the hatch Locke tries to convince Eko to let the clock run down, but Eko refuses. Locke grabs Eko's murderstick and tries to smash the computer, but Eko stops him. He roughs up Locke and tosses him out of the hatch, telling him to not come back. In L.A. Dez steps off a plane and tries to buy a mochaccino but has no American money, so a native hands him a few bucks. Dez thanks the woman. It's Libby. Dez jokingly asks if she has a spare 40 grand she could also slide his way. The two chat and Dez reveals he needs to money to acquire a boat to sail around the world and win a race sponsored by Penny's dad. Libby offers up her boat. The one her recently deceased husband left her. Later, as Dez prepares for his race, Penny approaches him and asks why he never wrote. He asks when she's getting married. Then asks how she found him. She says with enough money and determination you can find anyone. In the jungle Charlie finds Locke crying and decides to kick him when he's down, because that's the kind of douche he is. He tells him about Desmond's return and suggests he ask him about the hatch. Meanwhile Jack and Sayid formulate a plan. Sayid will sail around to the Others' beach and scope them out before Jack and his pals make it there by foot. When it's time to attack, Sayid will send up black smoke. It's a good plan, excepting how Sayid knows shit about sailing. He recruits Jin, and Sun demands to come along too. In flashback Dez sails through a storm. Things are rough. Cut to him lying on the shore of the island. Someone in a biosuit drags him inland. Later Dez wakes in the hatch and Biosuit asks "What did one snowman say to the other?" Dez is clueless. Biosuit pulls off his mask and he's Clancy Brown. What the hell? How's he get here? Jebus. "There can be only one!" Anyway, Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Hurley and Michael head through the jungle, and a giant bird swoops down on them. Michael tries to shoot it but his gun is empty. Jack plays dumb, saying he must've forgot to load it. Michael seems suspicious. Hurley asks if the bird said his name. Sawyer thinks he's crazy. Locke and Dez discuss the button, and Dez explains that the site is an anomaly and an electromagnetic buildup must be discharged every 108 minutes. Locke convinces him that they should let the time run out and see what happens. All they need to do is get Eko out of there. In flashback Clancy (AKA Inman) schools Dez in the ways of button pushing and antibiotic injections. For years they stay inside, quarantined, with only Inman making the occasional trip outside in the biosuit. One night Dez finds Inman in a secret compartment below the floor, drunk. He's a key in a lock and Dez asks what it is for. The failsafe. Turning the key will obliterate the station. Inman can't bring himself to turn it. Locke and Dez cut the power to the hatch, luring Eko outside. In the dome Dez monkeys with some wires and triggers a lockdown. Eko is trapped outside the dome. He pounds on the door but Locke and Dez refuse to let him back in. In the jungle Kate whispers to Sawyer that they're being followed. Suddenly she opens fire and Sawyer follows suit, killing one of the Others. The second one gets away, and it appears their surprise attack may be compromised. Then Jack reveals he knows Michael is full of shit and let Fake Henry go, killing Ana and Libby in the process. Everyone is pissed at Jack for lying to them, but they're more pissed at Michael for being a murderous, betraying asshole. Hurley asks him why he killed Libby. Michael claims he hadn't planned to, it just happened. Hurley asks is he had it all over to do again, would he still kill her to get Walt back. Everyone knows the answer. As the boat crew sails around the island they spy something odd on the shore: The left foot of a giant sculpture, all that remains of the once mighty statue. Sayid states "I don't know what is more disquieting; the fact that the rest of the statue is missing, or that it has four toes." Jebus. They continue around the island and see "the rock with the hole in it." Sayid goes ashore and finds the camp deserted. He enters the hatch, but it's just a façade, there's nothing behind the doors but rocks. Eko climbs out the back door to the hatch, and sees that the door has been blown off with explosives. He asks Charlie how they got the door open and Charlie tells him about the dynamite they found. Charlie gives him the spare sticks so they can blow open the blast doors. In flashback Inman heads out in his biosuit again and Dez begs to go outside. He hasn't been out in three years. Inman refuses, saying "There can be only one... outside." Dez notices a tear in the biosuit but says nothing. He follows Inman out and sees him take off the gasmask a few yards from the door. Dez follows Inman through the jungle to the shore and sees his boat anchored safely off shore. Dez confronts him about it, and Inman confesses he's been repairing it to escape the island. He invites Dez along, but the two fight anyway, and Inman gets knocked down, bashing his skull on a rock. Oops. Dez takes the failsafe key runs back to the hatch but is too late to hit the button. The computer screen fills up with "system failure, system failure, system failure..." over and over again. The earth shakes, the electromagnet screeches. Dez pounds on the keyboard and the computer finally accepts the input and the magnet discharges. Whew! In the jungle the rescue party sees a giant pile of pneumatic tube containers. Near the top of the pile is the exit tube. The capsules aren't delivered to headquarters at all. They're just dumped into the jungle. What the hell? At the hatch, Charlie tells Locke to open the door before Eko blows it open. Dez tells Locke his friends are wasting their time. Locke says "They're not my friends." Locke then tells another of his semi-poignant stories about how he pounded on the hatch asking for a sign and then a light came on inside, but how he realizes now it was probably just Dez going to use the john. Outside, Eko lights the fuse and Charlie suddenly realizes their in a tiny, enclosed space. Maybe not the best place to stand during an explosion. Duh. KABOOM! Eko and Charlie get knocked on their asses by the fireball. The door does not budge. Inside Dez starts to have second thoughts as he starts to look through the logs taken from Pearl Station. The rescue party sees Sayid's signal fire, and realize that they are nowhere near the beach. They ask Michael where the hell he's taken then, and he again protests he was only trying to save Walt. Suddenly Sawyer is shot with a dart and passes out. "Run!" Jack screams. But before long the whole party is down. Dez continues to search through the logs and finally asks how long Locke's been on the island. They pinpoint the day and figure out that they arrived on September 22. The day of the system failure. "I think I crashed your plane." Locke refuses to believe it and smashes the computer, once and for all ending the debate about the button. Somewhere else on the island, the rescue party is on dock, all tied up, on their knees, hooded. Their hoods are removed and the scraggly Others surround them. Cap'n arrives, and Kate says "Wfff nng uh wfff wff" through her gag. "What?" "She says she knows your beard is fake, Tom" answers Klugh. Tom smiles and pulls off his beard, complaining that it was itchy anyway. Fake Henry arrives, wearing rags, and asks Tom why he isn't wearing his beard. "They know," he says. In flashback, Dez sits alone in the hatch, pistol in one hand, Dickens in the other. He cries, aims the pistol at himself. Then a banging sounds interrupts him. What the hell? He runs and stares up at hatch door, as Locke pounds on it from outside. He smiles. Flash forward and the timer hits zero and the electromagnet winds up and the bunker shakes and everything metallic starts whizzing toward the charge. Outside the door Charlie helps Eko up while dodging flying knives and forks. Locke says something along the lines of "Well, shit, I really fucked this up, didn't I?" Dez tells him how he saved his life that night, so he could save Locke's in return. He tells Locke he's going to turn the failsafe key and destroy the Swan. Locke exits, tells Eko "I was wrong." Duh. Meanwhile Dez puts the key in, says "I love you, Penny" and turns the key. There is a bright white light and shuddering sounds that engulfs the entire island. A few moments later it fades. On the beach, Claire and Bernard stare into the sky, dazed. Something falls from above, nearly killing Bernard. It's the hatch door. Damn. On the pier Fake Henry concludes his deal with Michael. He turns over the boat and tells him if he heads to bearing 325 he'll be rescued. Before he steps onto the boat, Michael asks who the hell they are. "We're the good guys, Michael." Ummm, okay. Walt and Michael head out to sea while the rescue party glares at him. Douche. Klugh tells Hurley to get up and when he does she cuts his hands free. She tells him to go back to the beach and tell the rest of the survivors to never come back here. When Hurley asks about his friends, Fake Henry says they are going home with him. Meanwhile, in the Antarctic, or Siberia, or somewhere, two men bicker over a chess game. A computer nearby starts beeping. They glance over. "Electromagnetic Anomaly Detected." Uh oh. One of them picks up a phone. Somewhere else, a phone rings. Penny picks it up. "It's us. I think we found it."

Update On Turning Point

Following up on the story I wrote about here, where the funding had been cut drastically for Turning Point, a Chicago-area shelter serving women and children who are victims of domestic violence.

Fundraising efforts, including the Star 105.5 radiothon, online donations (yay, Shakers!), and food donations to the pantry, have raised $70,000 for the center.

A warm and grateful thanks to everyone who donated where they could.

FYI, you can still pitch in by visiting their website and clicking on the "donate now" button.

Thanks so much!

Filler, Or Random Things I've Photographed Recently

In addition to this lovely picture, I've snapped these images recently during my meanderings around town.

Snake in a tree, outside my office.

Gayblade, an advertising mascot.

Random Devo sign. Are we not men?

Dumb graffito.

Storefront spooks.


Need To Know

Where did Locke run off to?

Will Walt be rescued?

Will he and Michael get off the island?

What is Sayid going to do about Michael?

What are the Others up to?

Who the hell is Dr. Clue Klugh? And what kind of name is that?

And what happened to the monster?

Who's going to die next?

Is Hurley going to snap?

And what the fuck is with the boat???

Today In Trucknutz

Deeky's dream car. No Trucknutz required.



Or, Holy. Fucking. Shit. Part II.

[Originally Aired May 17, 2006]

Flashback to Michael and Locke in the gun locker. Michael asks to borrow a rifle, he wants to practice more. Sure, says Locke. Then Michael "accidentally" knocks some shells on the floor and as Locke bends down to pick them up Michael cracks him on the head. Then Jack shows up and he gets locked in too. Michael returns to the computer and Walt tells him to head north toward the big rock with the hole in it. Michael then runs off into the jungle. Back to now, Michael is outside the hatch looking at a slip of paper. Four names are on it: Jack, Kate, Hugo and James. He burns it. Jack interrupts asking what he is doing. Just getting some fresh air, he says. Jack tells him to come back in the hatch. Inside he and Jack argue over who should come on the assault on the Others. Michael insists is just be Jack and Kate and Hurley and Sawyer. In flashback, Michael is captured by the Others. He sees they've captured Kate too, but she doesn't see him, and he overhears the exchange of Kate for the guns from the Hunting Party episode. While alone with Alex, she asks Michael about Claire and Turniphead, but he's mostly confused, as per usual. At the beach Hurley and Kate dig graves and Michael tries to talk Hurley into going on the assault, but he's not interested. Charlie gives Claire a case of antibiotics along with an injector, and she seems to be warming back up to him. I still think he's a giant douche, but wevs, I don't have to suck his dick. Later he continues work on the church alone, but it's really more a two-man job. While toiling Vincent brings him a Heroin Mary. He's annoyed. He follows Vincent to Sawyer's tent and finds the rest of them. He takes all the statues to the beach and throws them into the sea while Locke watches with disinterest. What's the deal with that dog anyway? Sawyer asks Jack about his trip into the jungle with Kate, and Jack tells him they got caught in a net. Sawyer finds this amusing. Sawyer recruits Sayid to help with the assault, but when Michael hears about it he demands Sayid not come. Sayid acquiesces. In flashback, Michael is brought to the Others' camp and he sees the big rock with the hole in it, and someone jabs him with a needle and takes his blood. Michael is all "what the fuck?" but they don't tell him much. In fact the ask him lots of questions. A woman named Ms. Klugh introduces herself and asks a fuckload of weird-ass questions. Like, has Walt ever been seen someplace he wasn't supposed to be? Again, Michael seems confused. Did no one tell him about how Walt would show up in the jungle dripping wet and talking backward? I guess not. Maybe Michael is just a dumbass. He seemed a lot smarter on Oz. At the hatch Jack and Sawyer load weapons for the attack. Sawyer tells Jack he slept with Ana before she died. That's how she got his gun. Jack asks how that happened, and Sawyer tells him "We got caught in a net." Jack doesn't seem amused and asks why he's telling him this. "'Cause you're about the closest thing I've got to a friend, Doc." Ana and Libby are brought to the beach for burial. Sayid approaches Jack and tells him he thinks Michael is working with the Others. The two decide to come up with a plan before morning. In flashback Klugh agrees to let Michael go and reunite him with Walt if Michael goes back and sets Fake Henry free. Michael agrees, but demands their boat too. Klugh gives him a list with four names on it and says he must bring these people, and only these people, back with him: Jack, Kate, Hugo and James. Michael asks who James is. Then Walt is allowed to see Michael for three minutes and Walt says they mostly make him take tests and he tries to warn Michael that the Others are just pretending. Michael seems confused. Jebus. At the beach, there is a funeral. Locke doesn't attend, instead he snips off his leg brace and disappears into the jungle. After a few words are said Hurley changes his mind and says he wants to go on the mission. Sun looks out at the waves and suddenly says "boat." What? "Boat!" Offshore is a sailboat. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Tuesday, September 01, 2009


Or, One Thing Leads To Another

[Originally Aired May 10, 2006]

Eko continues to chop wood for his church. As he does Ana approaches, smiling. She asks what he's building. He tells her the idea for the church came to him in a dream. "A dream like this one?" She looks down, blood pours from his chest, Ana tells him to help Locke, In the hatch, Eko wanders to the dome, and Yemi is there, at the computer. He's still dreaming, I guess. Yemi tells him to have Locke take him to the question mark. Yemi tells him to take his axe. The timer flips to all question marks, Eko looks at the keys, all question marks. The hatch starts to shake. Eko wakes. He grabs his axe and heads for the hatch. Flashback and he's in Australia working as a priest, and he is visited by a shady character who sells him a passport. Fake passport for a fake priest. The two are interrupted by the monsignor who tells Eko he needs to postpone his trip to America and investigate a girl who returned from the dead. She drowned, but several hours later woke up. Eko says he is not the one to investigate, he doesn't believe it. Monsignor says this is why he must be the one to do it. Outside the hatch Eko meets up with Jack and Sawyer and Kate and Locke just as Michael stumbles out of the hatch, bleeding from his shoulder. He says someone shot him. They dash into the hatch and find Ana and Libby dead. Or not. Libby coughs and spews blood and sputters and Jack tries to save her. Uh oh, this could be bad for Michael. Eko offers to track Fake Henry through the jungle and cons Locke into going with him. In the jungle Locke realizes Eko isn't tracking anyone and when he asks Eko about it, all he gets for his trouble is a headbutt, knocking him unconscious. Later, Locke wakes and asks what the fuck that was all about. Eko explains Locke was being difficult, then interrogates him about the question mark. Locke shows him the map. They make camp for the night, awaiting "further instruction." In flashback, Eko visits the medical examiner who pronounced the girl dead. He asks when the girl came back to life. "During the autopsy." Eep! He then plays Eko an audiotape of the event, which features a lot of screaming. Jack manages to get Libby's bleeding stopped. Kate thinks that is good. It isn't, says Jack. She's going to die. Jack asks Sawyer to fetch the heroin from his stash so he can ease her suffering. Jack tells Kate to go with him. Sawyer can either leave Libby to suffer or reveal his hiding place to Kate. Sawyer heads down to the beach. The guns and heroin are under the floor of Sawyer's tent. Kate sees Hurley and tells him the bad news. In the hatch Michael asks Jack if Libby has said anything, and he tells him no. Near the Nigerian plane, Eko sees Yemi again and he follows him, but he's limping. That's odd. Yemi climbs up the cliff. Eko follows. Locke wakes and reveals his dream to Eko. Oh, that's why he was limping, because he was Locke as Eko in his dream. Okay. The real Eko climbs the cliff this time, nearly falling on his way up. He reaches the top, but nothing is there. Just more jungle. Locke, from below, asks him what he sees. Eko looks down and notices a giant question mark cut into the clearing. That's odd. Down below, Eko finds the question mark and tastes the dirt. It's been salted. Why would someone do that, asks Locke. To make it visible from the air, Eko suggests. The clearing must be significant, he decides and starts digging at the ground with his axe near where the dot should be. At the tail of the plane he hits something. The two jostle the plane out of the way and start digging. Another hatch. Damn! Eko visits the girl's home, but her father refuses to let him talk to her. He's the psychic who put Claire on the plane to L.A. But the he reveals he's a fraud and says his daughter and wife are just trying to get attention. Eko tells him he will file his report saying there was no miracle. Eko and Locke head down into the new hatch and find a room filled with TV monitors. Locke turns one on and sees a live feed from the Swan hatch. Jebus. Eko find a video tape labeled "Orientation." The two watch it and find out this station is called the Pearl and its purpose is to monitor and log everything that happens in the other hatches. It's beginning to look like the button pushing exercise was just that, an exercise. Kinda like Jack said. Locke is pissed. Dr. Marvin who calls himself by some other name this time says the reports are to be put in the pneumatic tubes and sent to headquarters. Locke opens one of the tubes and shoves in his map. It gets sucked up and sent to wherever. I hope he included a deposit slip. Eko grabs paperwork from around the hatch to take back to the Swan. Locke doesn't get why, realizing he's been made a fool of yet again. Eko is convinced their work is more important than ever now. Back at the Swan, Hurley tells the mostly unconscious Libby he is sorry for forgetting the blankets. Then Jack dopes her up and she opens her eyes long enough to say "Michael." Jack tells her Michael is fine, and then she dies. Everyone cries. Except Michael.

Radio Shakesville

New Podcast: We Sing In Time.

Link. iTunes. List. Pop-up.


Heaven's Tail Rotor

Louisiana Governor and Future of the Repubilcan Party™ Bobby Jindal has racked up about $45,000 in transportation costs. Flying to Sunday services. In a helicopter. Taxpayers of the Creole State are footing the bill for use of the State Police chopper, and its two pilots. According to Jindal, church "visits give him a chance to talk to citizens." Oh, okay then.