Saturday, September 05, 2009


Or, Caged Heat

[Originally Aired October 4, 2006]

In a suburban house, a woman prepares for guests, arranging chairs, baking muffins. As the doorbell rings she burns her hand and drops her baked goods. A while later the woman, now identified as Juliet, hosts a book club meeting, and she bickers with some douche about her selection, "Carrie" by Stephen King. The guy says Ben wouldn't wipe his ass with this book (whoever he and his ass is), but Juliet defends it saying it is her favourite book. Then the house starts to shake and rumble. Shit, it's an earthquake. Oh, wait, no, this isn't an earthquake, is it!? Everyone rushes outside, the suburban neighborhood is alive with panicked activity. And Fake Henry is there. He stares up into the sky and Oceanic 815 splits apart above him and plummets to the ground. Holy shit. Quickly Fake Henry barks orders, sending Ethan toward the front half of the plane, Goodwin toward the tail. They are to blend in with the survivors, observe, and in three days bring him a list. The two run off. Fake Henry asks Juliet if he's been booted out of the book club. The camera pulls out revealing the suburban community is nestled deep in the island's jungle. Jack wakes in a damp cell. Chains dangle above him as he lies on a table. A bandage on his arms indicates his blood has been taken. One wall is completely made of glass. Jack pounds on it and screams out for Kate. She wakes, somewhere else, on the floor of a locker room. Her blood has been taken too. Tom is there and tells her to shower. She refuses to get naked in front of him. He laughs and tells her she's not his type. Does Lost have its first homo? I mean, aside from Boone. And Ana Lucia. He wanders off, leaving Kate to her shower. Sawyer wakes, he's in a cage in what looks like a zoo. Across the way is another cage, and a boy is in it. Sawyer shouts to him, but the kid ignores him. There is a giant button on the wall with a knife and fork painted on it. Sawyer pushes it and a recording plays "Warning!" Sawyer pushes it again. Same thing. As he starts to push it again, the boy warns him not to. Sawyer pushes it a third time and receives an electric shock. (He better get used to that.) Flashback and Jack is stalking his wife. Nice. Is everyone on this show a giant douche? At her lawyer's office Jack demands to know who she's seeing. She refuses to tell him. Later he's at the hospital going through her cell phone records calling everyone on her phone bill, desperately trying to track down her new beau. Old Man Shephard arrives and tells Jack to stop acting like a douche but Jack keeps on dialing. And his dad's phone starts ringing. Busted! Old Man Shephard tells him to let it go. Jack doesn't, and sometime later he watches as Dad gets another call and he laughs and chuckles light-heartedly. Jack, naturally, starts stalking his father. Everyone on this show a giant douche. Jack follows Dad to a hotel and thinks he's gonna catch him boning his wife. Turns out Old Man Shephard is attending an A.A. meeting and even has 50 days sobriety under his belt. Not that that stops Jack from punching him and accusing him of fucking Sarah. Jebus. Sarah bails Jack out of jail, telling him her father called and let him know where he was. Outside the jail Jack sees a stranger waiting for asks Sarah. It's not Old Man Shephard. Sarah tells Jack when he called he was so drunk she could barely understand him. But look on the bright side, she continues, now Jack has someone to fix. Ouch. Okay, back to the island, Jack climbs up the chains and screams and Juliet comes in and tells him to settle down. He demands to know where Kate and Sawyer are. She says she'll tell him if he lets go the chains. He doesn't. Kate finishes her shower and tries to get dressed but her clothes are missing. In their place hangs a cute little sun dress and a note telling her to put it on. Tom escorts her to the beach, where she sees Fake Henry sitting on a quaint, Gilligany gazebo. Breakfast is ready. Fake Henry tells her to put on the handcuffs sitting on the table. She asks where Sawyer and Jack are, and Fake Henry wonders why she said Sawyer first. She asks him why he's serving her breakfast. He tells her he wanted to give her something nice to hold onto, since the next two weeks will be very unpleasant. In his cell Jack monkeys with the intercom until he hears Old Man Shephard saying "Let it go." Juliet offers him a sandwich through the glass. She offers through the glass, I mean. The sandwich will be delivered through the door. But only if Jack sits on the far end and promises to behave. Juliet asks Jack what he does and Jack claims to be an unmarried repo man. He refuses to sit down so Juliet eats his sandwich and leaves. In his cage, Sawyer tries to figure out the buttons. Across the way the boy ask him questions about their camp. Then the boy picks his lock and opens his cage. An alarm sounds. Quickly he unlocks Sawyer's cage and tells him to run off in the opposite direction. Sawyer runs into Juliet who tazers him. Back in his cage, the boy, Karl, is brought to him, beaten and bloody. He apologizes to Sawyer for involving him in his escape attempt, and is then dragged away. Juliet again visits Jack and convinces him to eat. She tells him to sit in the corner of his cell, which he does but when Juliet enters he pounces her and holds a jagged shard of broken plate to her throat and drags her out into the hallway. He finds a door and tells her to open it. She refuses saying they'll die if she does that. Fake Henry arrives. Jack threatens to kill her if the door isn't opened. Fake Henry says he may was well kill because if he opens the door they will all die anyway. Jack calls their bluff and opens the door. A torrent of seawater flows into the hall. Oops. I guess they weren't bluffing. Fake Henry makes it to the exit but locks Juliet and Jack inside. Everyone on this show a giant douche. Juliet and Jack struggle to get the door closed. Luckily they do. Then Juliet punches Jack, knocking him out. Sawyer finally figures out the order of buttons and levers in his puzzle cage, and he is rewarded with a fish biscuit, some kibble and water. Yummy. Tom puts Kate in Karl's cage and congratulates Sawyer on his biscuit, before commenting that the bears figured it out in only two hours. Sawyer asks how many bears there were, but doesn't mention the one he killed. Sawyer gives Kate his biscuit. Jack wakes up and Juliet is on the other side of the glass. He realizes he's in an aquarium, and Juliet confirms they're in the Hydra station. She shows him a stack of papers, telling him it's his life. She knows he's a doctor and blah blah blah and he asks if there is anything in the file about Sarah. There is she, tells him. Jack asks if she's happy. She is, says Juliet. Juliet steps back into the hallway, and Fake Henry is there. "Good work," he says. "Thank you, Ben."

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