Saturday, September 12, 2009


Or, Clean Up On Aisle Five

[Originally Aired October 18, 2006]

Locke wakes. He's lying on the floor of the jungle. He's dazed. Off in the distance, someone scurries by. Locke tries to yell out, but cannot get any words out. He pulls himself to his feet, but is almost brained when Eko's murderstick falls from a tree and nearly hits him. He stumbles back to the beach and the first person he runs into is Charlie. Lucky him. Flashback and Locke is driving a truck on some lonely country road. He stops to pick up some hawt rough trade hitchhiking in the rain. They young man introduces himself as Eddie, a young runaway headed to Eureka to find work as a lumberjack. Then a cop pulls them over. Locke has a fuckton of guns in the bed of his truck. But his papers are in order and the cop lets them go. Locke invites Eddie to his hippie commune farm for dinner. And jebus, why does Locke have a different job every time we see him? Anyway, he still has his hair and can still walk. I keep thinking every episode is gonna be the one where we learn how he was paralyzed. Locke shows Eddie around the farm, pointing out the sweat lodge, before taking him to the very long picnic table where everyone is seated. Locke says grace thanking God for his new family, which is way better than his last family, which sucked monkey ass. Eddie thanks him for bringing him here. On the beach, Locke is still unable to talk and, of course, Charlie has to be a douche about it. Locke says (well, writes on paper) that he'll be able to talk again when he has something important to say. Then Locke asks Charlie for help talking to the island. Charlie says "I detest you" but agrees to help Locke nonetheless. Locke builds a sweat lodge on the floor of the never-completed church, chugs some of that hallucinogenic paste he makes and climbs inside. Charlie stands outside and keeps watch. In the lodge, Boone appears and Locke mouths an apology for killing him. Boone sort of accepts his apology, but seems kind of bitter about being dead. Maybe he's just bitter about not being on the show anymore. Boone tells him he has something to show him. Locke tries to stand, but is unable to move. "Oh, no, buddy, you're gonna need your wheels" says Boone, pointing to Locke's wheelchair. Boone pushes Locke through the Sydney airport, telling him "someone in this airport is in serious danger. You are the only one who can save them." Most of the Losties are there. Locke points to them and Boone shoots him down every time with shit like "Sayid doesn't need help from an punk like you" or, when they see Jack being wanded by Ben, "There's nothing you can do for him, you gotta clean up your own mess first." Boone wheels him to the escalator. Locke looks up and Boone is at the top. Come up here, he says. Well, shit. Locke abandons the chair and rides the stairs up on his belly. Once to the top Locke drags himself across the floor until he finds Eko's murderstick and a pool of blood. Back in the sweat lodge a polar bear lunges at Locke. He exits the lodge and tells Charlie he has to save Eko. At the farm, Eddie's been hanging around for six weeks and him and Locke are getting along famously. Eddie spies fellow communists unloading lots and lots of fertilizer into a greenhouse and asks Locke about it. Locke tells him to mind his own business. Eddie demands to know what they're planning to blow up and wants in on the action. Locke giggles and says he'll talk to Mike and Jan, the group's leaders, and see if they'll let him in on it. Whatever "it" is. In the jungle Locke tells Charlie that a polar bear has Eko and there is not much time to save him. The two wander past the hatch. Or what's left of it. It's just a crater now, the hatch having imploded. Further on, they here some rustling in the jungle and Locke pulls a knife. Something approaches through the jungle and Locke throws his knife. It's Hurley. His canteen has been speared. Hurley tells Locke about Ben and the Others and their prisoners, and Locke sends him on his way telling him to watch out for bears. "Bears?" Hurley asks. In Flashbackistan, Locke visits the greenhouse to talk to Jan and Mike about Eddie. But they're in a panic, stuffing bundles of weed into duffle bags. They hand Locke a file. It's info on Eddie. Turns out the guy is a narc. Locke is all what-the-fuck about it, saying he just picked up a random hitchhiker, there's no way this could be a sting operation. Jan and Mike tell Locke he's fucked everything up, and they'll all have to jam. But Locke says he can fix it. And by fix it, I think he means he can kill Eddie. In the jungle Hurley bumps into Desmond who is buck naked. Hurley doesn't want to look at his wang and gives him one of his shirts. Dez explains about the failsafe key and the implosion. Hurley asks if Dez is going to turn into the Hulk now or something. I'm thinking he's going to become Supernekkidman or The Avenging Wang. One or the other. Hurley tells Dez about the Others and Dez says it's okay, Locke will rescue everyone and save the day, like he said in his speech. Huh? Hurley is confused and Dez says he must be too. At the farm, Eddie and Locke go hunting and somewhere in the redwoods Locke asks if they picked him on purpose. Eddie tries to play dumb but fails and tells Locke he was picked because of his psychological profile. Apparently the cops have a file some where with Locke's picture and the word "chump" written next to it with a Sharpie. Locke raises his rifle and Eddie raises his and Locke tells him he didn't load Eddie's. Uh oh. Eddie tells him Locke is no killer and walks away. He's right. Locke cannot pull the trigger. In the jungle Locke and Charlie find a cave. Must be the bear's they surmise. Locke makes a torch and slathers himself in mud and heads inside. Again Charlie is left to stand guard outside. In the cave, Locke stumbles over some toys (creepy!) and finds lots of bones, including some former humans in Dharma T-Shirts. He finally locates Eko and the polar bear shows up. The two play tug-of-war with Eko and Locke uses hairspray as a flamethrower and forces the bear into retreat. Locke carries him out of the cave and Charlie runs off to get water. Locke tells Eko he's sorry about getting the hatch blown up, and Eko tells him it's okay, the Great White Hunter will still save the day. Charlie returns and sees that Eko is still unconscious. Charlie and Locke drag Eko into the camp, and someone yells out to get Jack. Hurley pipes up and tells everyone that Jack and the rest have been captured. Immediately two random survivors start giving him shit for not telling them sooner. Jebus, he just strolled into camp, didn't he? Who are these douches? "Paulo and Nikki, bring towels and water." Oh, that's Paulo and Nikki. Must be the new folks in the opening credits. Way to make an entrance. To stifle panic, Locke gives a nice speech saying he'll rescue everyone and save the day. Hurley has some serious déjà vu. Then he stares curiously at Desmond.

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