Since I am an expert on all things Glenn Beck (straight scoop: he likes piña coladas and walks in the rain!) it is with a heavy heart I bring some sad, sad news: Glenn Beck is leaving Fox News. Oh, whoops! I lied! No, he's really leaving Fox, the lie is it is sad, sad news. I mean, someone will be sad, just no one I know.
Not even his advertisers. Not that he had any other than gold hoarders and the Slap Chop™ guy. Okay, maybe the Slap Chop™ guy will be a little sad. I bet he's the sensitive type who likes to cuddle. Or not. Nevermind. No one wants to talk about Slap Chop™ guy. Not even me!
In a statement issued by Beck's company GRA (Garbage Radio Arts) faithful viewers were reassured that Fox and Beck will continue to work together, kind of like Laverne & Shirley, but full of lies and hatred instead. Which, thinking about it, isn't all that different from Laverne & Shirley at all. Poor Laverne, drink some milk and Pepsi, it'll be okay.
There has been some speculation that Beck is leaving to form his own network, like the Oprah Winfrey Network, but full of lies and hatred. (What? It was a good joke.) I'm not sure how that would work, since Beck seems to have trouble attracting advertisers. Plus he can't be on 24 hours a day. (Can he?) I guess he'd hire a bunch of other racist white guys to have their own shows too? Is Stephen Baldwin busy? (He's not busy. (Duh.))
Bye-bye, Beck. I'm sure, though, soon enough you'll be back with another book espousing your dogshit political philosophy and another TV show full of lies and garbage and chalkboards. See ya then! Or not.