Radio Shakesville

New podcast:

Episode 13: Saudade

Here is a link to the podcast blog.

And this is the list of all songs used in this week's ep.

You can also play the show in a pop-up.

The show is available via iTunes, and on Feedburner. The RSS is here, for those who are into that kind of thing.

Saudade is a Portuguese word that is not translatable into English but means "a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."

Know Who I Used To Love?

Sigue Sigue Sputnik

D.O.C.

Or, She's Having A Baby

[Originally Aired April 25, 2007]

Sun tends to her garden. Jack approaches and asks questions about her pregnancy. She is suspicious. Flashback and Sun answers her cell phone and she and Jin giggle about being newlyweds. Sun hangs up and sits on a park bench. The old woman next to her looks up from her newspaper and asks "Is that you?" pointing to a wedding announcement. Yes, Sun says. The woman seems impressed when asking if she's the daughter of the man who owns Paik Automotive. Then she asks about Jin's parents. Dead, Sun says. Father was a fisherman though. The woman adds, he was the son of a whore too. WTF? Then the woman tells Sun to bring her $100K tomorrow by five or she'll expose Jin's shame. Or something. In the jungle, Desmond, Charlie, Hurley and Jin lean over the chopper pilot. She moans and groans and says (in Spanish) "I am dying." Turns out she has a big-ass piece of tree branch piercing her gut. They rifle through her things trying to find something a little more substantial than their first aid kit. They bicker about what to do. Take her to the beach or fetch Jack. Both ideas suck. Hurley accidentally discharges the woman's flare gun. Oops. That's gonna attract attention. Flashback and the newlyweds are unpacking and Jin has just brought home dinner. Yummy. Sun asks if he has any photos of his family. He says he doesn't and she catches him in a lie. Jin is defensive and Sun lets it go. At the beach Kate and Sun discuss whether or not Jack has turned traitor and is working with the Others. Kate doesn't think so. Sun isn't too sure. So Sun goes and gets in Juliet's face and wants to know what is up with pregnant women on the island. Juliet frowns and tells her they die. Ouch. In the jungle Charlie and Desmond argue. Desmond plans to run to get Jack. Then there is rustling in the jungle. Then Mikhail stumbles out. What? He's dead! Mikhail turns and runs away but Jin kicks him in the head and Dez pins him to a tree, jamming the flare gun to his chest. Dez threatens to shoot hit, and Mikhail shrugs it off saying "I already died once this week." Dez asks if he understands what the woman is saying. "She said she's dying, she needs help. I was a Soviet Army field medic, I can offer you my services." Mikhail agrees to save her life in exchange for his freedom. Flashback. Sun meets Jin's father. He is pleased to see his new daughter-in-law. They talk about the wedding. Sun tells him she thought he was dead. He tells her Jin's mother slept around, and he doesn't even know if the boy is his son, then she left. But he raised him nonetheless, told him mom was was dead. Then he asks her not to tell him she visited him, and not to tell him his mother is alive. At the beach, Juliet sneaks into Sun's tent and tells her to come with her. Sun is all "And why the fuck should I do that?" Juliet tells her there is a med station in the jungle and they can do an ultrasound and find out when the baby was conceived. "If you got pregnant off the island then you and your baby will probably be okay, but if you got pregnant here..." Well, that ain't so good, I guess. In Korea Sun visits her father, and he's still a douche, and asks him for the $100K. But she won't tell him why. He wonders why he should give her money. "Because my whole life, I've pretended not to know what you do. I've allowed you to keep your control over me. I pretend that everything is all right. I will continue pretending. As long as you give me the money I am asking for. No questions asked." He gives her the cash but tells her the debt will be her husband's and he'll be working directly for him now. In the jungle Mikhail works on the pilot and asks if she had anything on her. Hurley lets it slip about the sat phone. The pilot's lung is filling with blood, so Mikhail pokes a hole in her chest to let it drain. Ouch. She screams and says something to Mikhail. He lies and says she was just saying thanks. Meanwhile Juliet and Sun reach the med station and head down into the locker room. In the back of one of the lockers is a secret switch. Juliet throws it and a door opens. Sun tells Juliet she cheated on Jin and doesn't know who the father of her baby is. Back on the other side of the jungle Mikhail tells them she'll be better in a day, magic island and all that, and heads off into the brush. Jin chases him and pounces on him and retrieves the sat phone from inside his shirt. "How could you respect me if I didn't try?" Juliet gives Sun her ultrasound. Sun doesn't think the baby is Jin's, he's sterile. Juliet tells her about how the magic island makes your sperm count skyrocket. Sun contemplates her situation. "If I'm going to live, that means the baby's not Jin's." In Korea Jin discovers the wad of money and begs Sun to return it. He doesn't want to be in her father's debt. Ouch. Juliet shows Sun the baby on the ultrasound. She says the baby was conceived on the island, about 50 days ago. I'm so sorry, she says. But Sun smiles and says "It's Jin's." Sun meets the old woman at the bench and gives her the money. She asks why she didn't tell her she was his mother. "I gave birth to him. But that does not make me his mother." Sun growls "You know how powerful my family is. My husband believes that you are dead. Do not force me to make that a reality." Damn. Juliet and Sun leave the med station. Juliet tells Sun she's gonna check and make sure they covered their tracks. Back in the locker room Juliet picks up a tape recorder and speaks into it. "Ben, it's six AM on Saturday morning. Kwon is pregnant, the fetus is healthy and was conceived on-island with husband, he was sterile before they got here." She rattles off some more, and shuts off the recorder, whispering "I hate you." Meanwhile the pilot wakes. She asks Hurley who he is. He tells he is a survivor of flight 815. That's impossible, she says. "They found the plane. There were no survivors. They were all dead." What the fuck?

CATCH-22

Or, A Poke In The Throat With A Sharp Stick

[Originally Aired April 18, 2007]

Desmond, Charlie, Hurley and Jin traipse through the jungle. Charlie and Hurley argue about Superman and the Flash. Until Charlie steps into a trap and is speared in the throat with an arrow. Awesome. Now maybe he'll quit being all concerned and shit all the time. Oh, I guess not. Desmond is on the beach and it's all been another of his visions. Damn. Not that I really thought he'd die. I am pretty sure I saw his ass on the cover of the season four DVD. Whatever. Desmond asks Hurley where the wire in the sand is. "This is future crap, isn't it?" Desmond asks again, telling him it's important. Why? "Because someone's coming." Flashback and Dez is cloistered reading the bible. A monk enters his cell and hands him some robes saying he's now one of them. Amen and hallelujah. On the beach Dez borrows Jack's first aid kit. He again asks Hurley to take him to the cable but Hurley refuses without an explanation. Dez can't give him one, describing his vision as a jigsaw puzzle without the picture on the box. Dez tells him he's not going to stop it this time. Sawyer knocks on Kate's tent and goes inside and she's half naked. He stares at her boobs and asks if she told Jack about the two of them. Kate tells him about Jack seeing it on camera and Sawyer calls the Others pervs and then asks if Kate wants to do it. She walks out of the tent. "Come on, Freckles, you need me to make you a mix tape?" Hurley talks Jin into going "camping" with them, since he's in Dez's vision. If everyone isn't there, the vision fizzles out, it seems. Dez convinces Charlie to come too. He's kind of skeptical, but also kind of stupid, so he agrees to come so long as he can bring his guitar. Later, on the beach, they all whistle the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai. Jin finds the cable in the sand. Dez decides this is a good time to make camp for the night. Flashback and Dez and his monk pal are slapping labels on bottles of wine. "I find the name the brothers have chosen for the wine made here interesting. Moriah's the mountain where Abraham was asked to kill Isaac. Its not exactly the most festive locale is it?" The monk tells him it was just a test, and besides, God spared Isaac. Yeah, I never understood that story. Someone tells Dez he has a visitor and then a man walks in and punches him in the nose. Back at the beach, Kate and Jack talk briefly before he heads back to his new BFF, Juliet. Kate then stomps off to Sawyer's tent and bones him. He asks "Are you crying?" and she tells him to shut up. At their campfire, Jin tells a ghost story in Korean, which kind of looks like the old one about the guy with the hook for a hand. It makes Hurley scream, even though he doesn't understand a word of it. Then Hurley starts to tell everyone about the chupacabra. Meanwhile Charlie asks Dez about the photo he's pining over and Dez says he's a coward for running away from her. Then they hear the sound of a helicopter. Holy shit! Then Hurley asks "Is that how a helicopter's supposed to sound?" Ummm, no. The engine sounds dies, and the copter can be heard splashing down into the ocean. Holy shit. A red light blinks up above and disappears into the jungle. What was that? Someone ejected they decide, though that is due largely to Dez's earlier contention that "someone's coming." Dez wants to head out to find the person now, but the others want to wait until daylight. Only when Charlie threatens to leave does Dez agree to wait until sun up. Flashback and Dez knocks on the door of the man who punched him. He tells him to beat it when Dez asks to see his sister. She comes to the door and the two talk. After six years of dating, and a week before their wedding, Dez disappeared. Ran off and became a monk. The woman, Ruth, calls him a coward. The next morning, on the beach, Sawyer challenges Jack to a game of ping pong. Jack wonders where they got the table. "Don't you recognize it? Fell out of the purple haze. We don't play every hundred and eight minutes, the island's gonna explode." The two play ping pong and talk about Kate. In the jungle Dez, Charlie, Hurley and Jin head toward the beacon. Jin finds a hula doll. Huh? Must been the pilot's. Then Dez finds a backpack in a tree. Inside is a copy of Catch 22 and a satellite phone. The phone doesn't work and the book ain't in English. Bummer. Inside the book is a photo of Dez and Penny. Back at camp Sawyer gives Kate her mix tape. Well, it's a copy of Phil Collins Greatest Hits. Then he asks if she jumped him after seeing Jack and Juliet eating dinner. It's not like that she tells him. Inland, Charlie asks Dez if he thinks it's Penny who jumped out of the copter. "Earlier I hoped it. Now I know it." It starts to rain. Flashback and Dez is pissed on a couple bottles of their wine. His monk friend is unhappy about it. Then he fires Dez, telling him the monastery isn't his calling. Back in the jungle Jin asks who Penny is. Hurley tells him "She's this chick Desmond used to date. And now he thinks she fell from the sky. So we're gonna go save her life, and she's gonna get us rescued. Dude, even if I spoke Korean it wouldn't make any sense." Then Charlie and Hurley bicker about Superman and the Flash and Charlie steps on the boobytrap. Dez tells him to duck and knocks him down and the arrow pierces his guitar. See? I knew he was on the cover of season four. Anyway, they split up, hoping to cover more ground. When they're alone Charlie asks Dez how he knew to tell him to duck. He tells Charlie was supposed to let him die. Or maybe not. Maybe God is testing him like Abraham and he is just supposed to go on saving Charlie's life forever. Jin yells and Dez and Charlie join him. Someone dangles from a tree by their parachute. "I'm sorry, Penny," Dez shouts as he climbs the tree. Flashback and Dez says goodbye to the monk. If he doesn't mind sticking around a couple hours, he can catch a lift into town with one of the monks. Sure, says Dez. Outside he helps load up several crates of wine into someone's trunk. It's Penny! He tells her he's just been fired and the two have a really great scene. It's well done, especially for a Meet Cute. Penny offers Dez a lift. In the jungle they pull the pilot down from the tree and Dez peels off her helmet. Only it's not Penny. It's a dark-haired woman. She looks at him and mumbles "Desmond."

ONE OF US

Or, Not A Joan Osborne Song, Thank Christ

[Originally Aired April 11, 2007]

Jack, Kate, Sayid, and Juliet head through the jungle. It's late and they stop to make camp. Kate and Jack head off in search of firewood. While alone, Kate asks about Jack's week with the Others. He shrugs it off, saying he kept his head down and didn't ask questions. Meanwhile, Sayid grills Juliet, asking "I want to know what you people are doing on this Island. Why you're terrorizing us. Making lists. Kidnapping children. I want to know everything. But the first thing I'd like to know is, who are you?" Flashback and Juliet and her sister pull up to the gate at Mittelos. It's Juliet's big day. Alpert greets them and tells Juliet her sister can't come inside. A security thing. Ethan helps get her bags from the trunk and Juliet says goodbye to her sister. Sis' cancer is gone, and she's pregnant, and can't wait for Juliet to get back form her short trip. In the jungle Juliet tells Sayid "If I told you who I was. If I told you everything that I know. You'd kill me." Sayid threatens to kill her anyway, and Jack interupts and tells him to back off. Ah, yes, I'd started to miss the testosterone. Jack tells him Juliet is under his protection. He also mentions how big his penis is, in case anyone wasn't sure. At the beach, Turniphead cries and Charlie approaches Claire's tent. She's out cold and the crying baby hasn't woken her. Charlie acts all concerned, which is what he does best. Charlie suggests she's coming down with something. In the jungle, Jack tells Juliet his friends will lighten up eventually, but she seems skeptical, what with the kidnapping and murder still harshing everyone's buzz. Flashback and Juliet and Ethan and Alpert are at the airport. Ethan checks Juliet's vitals. Alpert offers her a glass of orange juice and a shitload of tranquilizers. She seems skeptical. Alpert tells her she doesn't have to go, but he thinks that deep down inside she knows they're heading someplace special. Juliet gulps the orange juice and passes out. She wakes and finds herself strapped to a bunk in a submarine. Ethan unbinds her. They climb up onto the dock and Ben is there. He tells Juliet he is looking forward to working with her. At the beach, Hurley makes oatmeal and Claire says she has a headache and Charlie acts concerned and Sawyer gets her some aspirin. Then Jack and Sayid and Juliet and Kate return. And everyone is happy. Sawyer is thrilled to see Kate. He's not so pleased Juliet is with them. Later, Hurley tells Juliet that the last Other that came to their camp kidnapped Claire and Charlie killed him. He's buried not too far off. Flashback and Juliet is in an operating room with Ethan and Goodwin and their patient just died. Juliet is distraught and Ben tells her the patient knew the risk when she became pregnant. Juliet thinks the problem begins at conception, and the only way to prove it is to take one of the women off the island. Ben says that ain't gonna happen. If that's the case, Juliet's work is done here. Besides, she wants to be home when her sister gives birth. Then Ben tells her her sister's cancer is back and she will be dead before the baby is due. But, he says, if she agrees to stay and help him, he'll cure her cancer. WTF? Meanwhile, the survivors discuss whether or not Juliet can and should be trusted. Only Jack thinks she should. Sawyer thinks Sayid should torture her. Then he asks why Jack is so keen to defend her. But Claire coughs up blood and harshes the mood even worse. Juliet wanders over and asks what is wrong with her. Jin says "What do you care?" Ouch. Juliet tells Kate "I think I know what's wrong with Claire, because I did it to her." This isn't going to end well, is it? Juliet tells Jack "Claire's immune system is turning on her, she's having a latent reaction to a medication in her bloodstream. Medication that was designed to keep her alive during the late stages of her pregnancy." Then continues "For some reason, the women here can't have babies. The mother's body turns on the pregnancy, treats it as a foreign invader. I saw it happen over and over. Every pregnant woman on this island died. That is, every pregnant woman until Claire." Then there is a bunch of flashback shit about Ethan giving Claire injections in the middle of the night and then kidnapping her when they found out he wasn't on the plane. Juliet tells Jack, basically, Ethan went all Palin with the kidnapping and Claire would have died without the injections, but she says she can help. She can get Ethan's stash in the jungle and give Claire a new dose that will fix her up. Jack sends her to find the medication. Flashback and Juliet is being post-coital with Goodwin. Ouch. There's a knock on the door and someone hands Juliet some X-rays. Juliet studies them, then visits Ben to tell her he's got a tumor. Then she gets in his face accusing him of lying about curing her sister's cancer. (And does sis have a name? Oh, probably.) Ben says he did cure her and she begs him to let her go home. He refuses. In the jungle Juliet finds Ethan's med stash. Sawyer and Sayid appear and tell her she's got some 'splaining to do. Juliet tells them there isn't time. "You know its interesting, that you two are now the camp's moral police. I'm curious, Sayid, how long was it before you told everyone on that beach exactly how many people you've tortured in your life. Do they know about Basra? And I'm sure the first thing you did when you got here, James, was to gather everyone in a circle, and tell them about the man you shot in cold blood the night before you got on the plane. So why don't we just skip the part where you two pretend to be righteous. I'm taking that medication back to Claire. And you're going let me. Because if she doesn't get it, she's going die. And the last thing, that either of you need right now, is more blood on your hands." Ouch. Flashback to the Others' compound and Oceanic 815 splits apart above them. And seriously, I just love watching that thing. They could should it crash every episode and I'd never get sick of it. Ben sends Ethan and Goodwin out to infiltrate the survivors. Then he asks Juliet to come with him. The two of them approach Mikhail's place. Ben tells Mikhail not to shoot them. Nice truce they've got there. They go inside and Mikhail asks if they saw the crash. Duh, a plane exploded over the island, of course they saw it. Ben tells Mikhail to get detailed files on everyone on the plane. Then he tells Mikhail to open the vid link. On the monitor is the front page of today's newspaper. Then the camera pans up. There is a park playground on screen. The camera zooms in on Juliet's sister. She's playing with her daughter. "A little over two years ago, to everyone's complete surprise, Rachel's cancer went into complete remission. Shortly after she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. His name is Julian." Ben shuts off the monitor and tells Juliet he is not a liar. She just sobs. Back at the beach Juliet gives Claire an injection and tells Jack they should see results in a few hours. Jack says "If this doesn't work, if something happens to her, I'm not going to be able to protect you anymore. You'll be on your own." She tells him she's already on her own. A few hours later, Claire is feeling better and Jack brings Juliet a blanket and a tarp. (Exactly how many tarps were on that plane anyway?) Jack tells her the survivors are eventually going to need some answers. She asks why he never does. "You were standing right next to me when that submarine exploded. In that moment, I saw it in your eyes. You want to get off this island more than anything else in the world. That makes you one of us." Flashback and Juliet is in Ben's bungalow. They discuss her plan to cuff herself to Kate. Ben says "We've activated the implant in Claire, she should be symptomatic in the next 48 hours. By the time you get to that camp, you'll have a nice big crisis to solve. Tell Jack, that you can save her. He trusts you." He hands her a gas mask and says "See you in a week."

"Leave Room for the Holy Spirit"

On the off chance you haven't actually seen this yet:


Because there is nothing more sinful than two people hugging with their genitals... ummm... face to face.

Look, I don't know what you fundagelicals are all on about with your purity ballz and your New Rebellion and your appropriation of hip-hop culture, but I'll give you one thing. This song is catchy. I mean, it cleared "MMM-Bop" right out of my head, so that's saying something. (Can I get a "hallelujah"? Okay, maybe not.)

Tim Foreman has a transcript here. Which provides more questions than answers. Like, what's the difference between a Christian side hug and, say, a Shinto side hug? What is inherently sinful about the front hug, other than two people's crotches lining up? What if one person is a lot shorter than the other? Can they "front hug" then? If it's okay to "front hug" after marriage, is it okay if two married men "front hug"? Or is that totally gay?

And why the fuck is everything all about sex with you?

See also Feministe and Feministing and just about everyone else on the internet.

[H/T to my pal Lena, who side hugs like a motherfucker.]

LEFT BEHIND

Or, Not A Tim LaHaye Novel, Thank Christ

[Originally Aired April 4, 2007]

Juliet brings Kate lunch, but Kate tries to club her with a pool cue. Juliet is a total ninja and puts the Dharma-style smackdown on Kate. "I was just bringing you a sandwich, asshole." Flashback and Kate is having car trouble. Three days for a fan belt, the mechanic tells her. "Welcome to Iowa." Seriously? What is this? 1934? Wevs. Cassidy is there, and she's trying to pull the same con Sawyer taught her back in season two. But her mark ain't falling for it and threatens to call the cops. Not needing this shit, Kate steps in and says her daddy is a jeweler and buys one of the fake ass gold chains. After the mark leaves Kate asks for her money back. Cassidy wonders why she doesn't want the cops around, and the two head into town for a drink. It's just like a chick flick but with con artists and murderers. Back at the Others' compound, Locke visits Kate and tells her goodbye. He's leaving with them. She's all "WTF?" and he apologizes. On the beach Hurley tells Sawyer the survivors have decided to vote on whether or not to banish him, for the Paulo and Nikki business. Sawyer thinks that blows, but Hurley tells him he may be all to fix things, to make amends. "I don't do amends." Bummer for you, says Hurley. Back at the compound, the Others don gas masks. Then someone opens Kate's door and throws in a smoke grenade. Kate passes out. Flashback to the bar and Kate and Cassidy swap stories. Kate tells how she killed her stepdad. Cassidy tells how she was conned out of her life savings. Cassidy asks why she's in Iowa. Kate says she wants to see her mom. Cassidy agrees to help her, because one of them deserves something good to happen to them. On the beach Sawyer tries to catch a fish, and Sun glares at him. Sawyer gives up and tells Hurley he is ready to make amends. Kate wakes in the jungle and finds herself cuffed to Juliet. What? Kate rifles through Juliet's pockets and finds a knife. Juliet wakes and grabs her hand, asking what the fuck she's doing here. Kate doesn't know but she says she saw them packing up and Locke said they were leaving and demands they head back to the compound and find Sayid and Jack. Juliet is confused. "Welcome to the wonderful world of not knowing what the hell's going on." Flashback to Kate approaching her mother's house. She knocks on the door, mom answers and frowns. Then Gunfingers pops out and throws her to the ground. Only, it's not Kate. It's Cassidy pretending to be a bible salesperson. Later Cassidy and Kate talk about why Kate wants to see her mom so bad. Kate explains how her mom ratted her out and she wants to know why. Back in the jungle Kate and Juliet argue over which way to head. Kate insists they head back to find Jack and Sayid. Juliet tells her that Jack isn't going to be happy to see her since she fucked up his chances of getting off the island. Kate punches her. They wrassle, and Kate knocks Juliet's arm out of its socket. Ouch. Kate starts to apologize, but hears the smoke monster. Uh oh. Kate drags Juliet into a clump of trees. The monster eyeballs (, or whatever smoke monsters have instead of eyeballs) them for a moment before disappearing. On the beach, Hurley tells Sawyer to go say something nice about Turniphead to Claire and to give her a blanket. He pisses about it some but does what he's told. Claire thanks him, Hurley gives him the thumbs up. Then Sawyer helps Dez hunt a boar, and Dez is confounded by his actions. Juliet asks if they're safe and Kate is surprised she's never seen the monster before. Juliet tells her that Jack told her to leave and never come back because she broke his heart. He saw her fucking Sawyer on the surveillance camera. Kate helps Juliet pop her shoulder back into place. In Iowa Cassidy sits at a diner and when her waitress (Kate's mom) walks by, she knocks soup on her. Oops! Kate's mom heads to the bathroom to clean herself up, and Kate is waiting for her there. She asks mom why she narced on her. "You can't help who you love, Katherine. And for good or bad, I loved him. And you burnt him alive. You turned on the gas and you lit a match. You murdered him in cold blood." Ouch. Then she tells her if she ever sees her again she's gonna scream for help. In the jungle, Kate asks Juliet if Jack actually said she broke his heart. He didn't need to say anything, Juliet says. Kate tells Juliet she doesn't know shit about Jack. "I know where he was born. I know what his parents did for a living. I know that he was married. And who he was married to. I know why he got a divorce. I know how his father died. I know his height, his weight, his birthday, and his blood type. What do you know about him, Kate?" Ouch. Then they hear the smoke monster again and start running. Until they reach the sonic fence. Juliet tries to pull Kate through but Kate is all "Fuck that." Juliet reaches into her pocket and pulls out a key and uncuffs herself from Kate. What the hell? She runs through the barrier and starts monkeying with the control panel on the other side. She tells Kate to came across. Kate jumps through and Juliet flips on the barrier and the smoke monster charges at them but bounces off the sonic fence. Sawyer cooks up the boar and tells Charlie he hopes he remembers this at the vote tomorrow. "What vote?" Sawyer asks Hurley what the fuck this was all about. Hurley confesses he was just trying to get Sawyer to take charge as temporary leader since everyone else was gone. (For a con man, Sawyer sure does get taken easily.) Sawyer doesn't want to be leader. "I don't think Jack wanted it either. Sucks for you, dude." Juliet and Kate make it back to the barracks. The place is deserted. Juliet goes to get Sayid, and Kate finds Jack. He asks what happened and she tells him how they were gassed and every one left. "Even Juliet?" he asks. No, she was left behind. In Iowa Cassidy drops Kate off at the mechanic and tells her she's pregnant with Sawyer's baby. Kate tells her to call the cops on him. At the barracks they decide to head back to the beach. Sayid says Juliet can't come. Jack says she can. Why? "Because they left her behind too."

Overheard

...at IHOP just now:

Woman A (inspecting bottle at her table): "Hot syrup"? What's that mean?

Woman B: It's probably spicy.

Callaway Nuclear Generating Station

Radio Shakesville

New podcast: Goodbye Horses

Link. List. Pop-up.

iTunes. Feedburner. RSS.

And for the record, I was just kidding.

[Cross-posted.]

Deeky's New Business Venture

New Kitten

Potter, having arrived on our proverbial doorstep yesterday, and using the Felinus Cutiatus charm, is now the newest tenant at Château Deeky.

[Cross-posted.]

Random Thought

You know what? I hate when candy makers put "fun size" on mini candy bar wrappers. What's fun about a tiny candy bar? Nothing!

Buenas Noches, Lou Dobbs

My favourite xenophobic asshat, Lou Dobbs, has been let out of his contract at CNN. Effective immediately. Lou stunned his viewer by dropping the bombshell in the middle of tonight's broadcast.

Dobbs is "considering a number of options" including competing in The Next Iron Chef challenge, tangoing on Dancing With Conservative Has-Beens, and special Cinco de Mayo correspondent at Telemundo.

Hasta la vista, Lou.

Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip

Evil Mastermind

[Cross-posted.]

EXPOSÉ

Or, The Usual Suspects

[Originally Aired March 28, 2007]

So, finally, after all my whining, the existence of Nikki and Paulo is justified. Or at least explained. I've still not decided if it was totally brilliant or unbearably stupid. Gimmicky? Yes. A whole lot of fun? Yes, that too. The episode opens up with Nikki running through the jungle, in a panic. She stops momentarily, digs a hole with her bare hands and drops something in before covering it back up. Flashback and Nikki is working as a stripper. A man with an eighties-style drug dealer suitcase (à la the Halliburton case Sawyer had such a boner for in season one) enters the club and heads toward a back room. Nikki follows him. The man delivers the suitcase to Billy Dee Williams and Nikki busts in and says "No! That's the money for the orphanage!" Billy Dee shoots her dead and off screen someone yells "cut!" See? This bit has all been a TV show. Nikki was an actor. And she's boning the director, a chap named Zukerman. Offstage, Nikki confesses her love for Zukerman. He loves her too. Back on the island, Sawyer and Hurley are playing ping pong when Nikki stumbles out of the jungle, whispers something, then drops dead. Sawyer tells Hurley to get help, but all replies is "Dude, Nikki's dead." Sawyer asks who the hell Nikki is. Flashback to Sydney and Zukerman and Nikki enjoy a nice breakfast. Their chef enters, and it's Paulo, who serves up some rolls. Zukerman eats one and dies. Nikki and Paulo then raid Zukerman's safe, pulling out a Russian nesting doll. (What's inside? More dolls!) Paulo starts to light up a cigarette, but Nikki gives him a health lecture so he puts his cigarette away. Back on the beach, a crowd has gathered around Nikki's body. Maybe she was poisoned Charlie suggests. Sun says they should check the food supply. Charlie notices dirt on her hands. Hurley thinks she said "power lines" before dying but then realizes she actually said "Paulo lies." Sawyer thinks they need to find Paulo and find out what he is lying about. Flashback and Nikki and Paulo are at the airport. Paulo is chewing nicotine gum, having given up those dirty, nasty, tasty, tasty cigarettes. Boone and Shannon bicker loudly. Shannon calls Boone a mo. Nikki tells Paulo she hopes they never end up like them. Cut to the beach, just after the crash. Chaos, screaming, smoke, death, that guy getting sucking into the turbine. Arzt is there. Shannon, Boone. Locke walks. Nikki searches for Paulo. She finds him, asks if he is okay. Asks where the bag is. Flashforward and Hurley and Jin and Sawyer now search for Paulo. They find him, and he's dead. His pants are down and his shoe is in a tree. What? Sawyer dumps out Paulo's water and Hurley complains he's ruining the crime scene. "Crime scene? Is there a forensics hatch I don't know about?" he asks. Flashback, Nikki and Paulo dig through the wreckage and argue about the monster. Paulo thinks it's a dinosaur. Nikki thinks he's a dope. Ethan wanders by and offers to help them find clothes that fit. Then Arzt walks by in a huff complaining that Boone has hijacked all their water. Back to the jungle and Hurley and Jin agree the monster killed Paulo. Sawyer thinks that theory blows. He says the only way to find out what happened is to find out more about them. He suggests looking through their tent. And finding a couple shovels. Flashback and Nikki flirts with Arzt as he shows her his bug collection. He shows her a brightly colored spider confined to a jar. "That is a Latrodectus regina. Very dangerous. They call her the Medusa spider. Her pheromones are very strong, one whiff and every male of the species would be here in seconds." Nikki asks Arzt to draw her a map of the plane's trajectory in hopes of finding their missing luggage. Paulo gets jealous and he bickers with Nikki. The two wander through the jungle and find Eko's plane. Nikki tells Paulo to climb up and look inside. He's all "fuck that, if i climb up there that shit's gonna fall." Then they notice Pearl hatch and open it. Paulo wants to go inside, Nikki tells him she doesn't think their bag is down there. Meanwhile, Sawyer rifles through their tent, finding some of Arzt's spiders and a script for Exposé. Nikki's name is in the cast list. It was her big break, Hurley decides. He describes the show as like Baywatch, but with strippers. Then they find a walkie-talkie and Sawyer thinks they were in cahoots with the Others. Flashback and Artz argues with Kate about them hiding the guns they found. Nikki asks where they found them. Nikki and Paulo head to the waterfall. Paulo dives in but comes up empty-handed. Or so he says. He finds their bag but doesn't tell Nikki. They're actually worse than Shannon and Boone at this point. Sawyer thinks they were involved with the Others, but Hurley says the Others are way on the other side of the island. Sun says that's bullshit because the Others threw a bag over her head and dragged her off. Sawyer pulls a gun and says he's gonna do a perimeter sweep. Hurley asks where he got the gun. Then asks what a perimeter sweep is. Paulo sits on the beach chewing his nicotine gum and trying to bury his nesting doll. Locke strolls by and tell him that he shouldn't bury his valuables here, since the beach is eroding. Later, Paulo sneaks off to the Pearl and hides the doll in the toilet tank. Then Juliet and Ben come down and talk about whether or not they can con Jack into doing surgery. They talk about abducting Sawyer and Kate too with Michael's help. Ben and Juliet head out, leaving behind their walkie -talkie. On the beach Hurley asks if Dez knows anything about the deaths and Dez doesn't and Hurley tells him his superpower sucks ass. But Dez does tell him he saw Sawyer talking to Nikki not long before she died, which means Sawyer is lying about not knowing who she is. Hurley tells Sun and Charlie about Dez's news, but Sun is still convinced it was the Others. After Hurley leaves, Charlie confesses to Sun it was he who abducted her, not the Others. She tears up, and walks away as Charlie apologizes. Flashback to Locke organizing a field trip to the Pearl. Nikki and Paulo tag along. While in the Pearl Paulo sneaks into the bathroom and fetches the nesting doll. He stomps on it and pulls a little felt bag from the inside of it. He flushes and rejoins the group. Down on the beach, Hurley tells Sawyer to hand over the gun. Sawyer asks what's up and Hurley tells him they know he talked to Nikki and they know he's lying. Hurley asks if Sawyer killed them. No, he says. He lied because of her dirty hands. "If you take the time to dig a hole right before you die, then what your hiding is probably pretty damn good." Then he hands Sun the velvet bag. She empties it into her hand: Diamonds. And lots of em. He tells Sun to keep them, because he had nothing to do with their deaths. Flashback and Nikki and Paulo are on the beach and Paulo thinks it is a good thing they didn't find their bag. Why not, Nikki asks. Because it would have torn us apart, he says. He leaves to get them some breakfast, but his nicotine gum falls out of his pocket. The gum that was in the bag with the diamonds. Oops. Nikki storms off to Sawyer's tent and demands he give her a gun. He tells her no, seeing how she's totally pissed and it probably wouldn't be a very good idea. Flashforward and Sawyer is digging a grave for Nikki and Paolo. Sun hands Sawyer back the diamonds telling him they're worthless here. She tells him what Charlie said and he asks if she's going to tell Jin. "No, because then we'd have to dig another grave." Then she punches him in the mouth. Later, everyone gathers for their funeral and Hurley eulogizes. "Nikki and Paulo. I guess we didn't really know you very well. And it appears, you killed each other for diamonds. But I know there are good parts to you too. You were always nice to me. And you're a member of the camp. And, I really loved Exposé. Okay then, goodbye..." Sawyer throws the diamonds in the grave on top of them and says "Rest in peace, Nikki and Paulo." Flashback and Nikki confronts Paulo in the jungle, telling him she knows he has the diamonds. Then she pulls out one of Arzt's glass jars and throws the Latrodectus regina onto him. It bites Paulo and he falls down. "Did it bite you? Does it hurt? Arzt told me why they call it the Medusa Spider. Want to know why? Because one look from Medusa will turn anyone to stone, just like one bite from the spider will paralyze you, for about eight hours. It won't kill you, it'll just slow your heart rate down to the point of where even a doctor would have a hard time hearing it beat. You won't be able to move a muscle, so I'll be able to do, all sorts of nasty things to you. And since it bit you on your neck, I'd say paralysis will happen fast." She pulls off his shoe and flings it into a tree. Then she yanks down his pants and finds the pouch next to his pouch. "I'm sorry," he says. "I was afraid of losing you. If you found the diamonds, you wouldn't need me any more." Then Nikki notices a couple dozen male Latrodectus regina spiders approaching. Uh oh. One bites her on the ankle. She runs off and eventually stumbles into Sawyer and Hurley's game of ping pong. She whispers "paralyzed" before collapsing. Flashforward and Sawyer and Hurley shovel dirt onto the paralyzed bodies of Nikki and Paulo.

You Know Who's Really Ruining Soccer?

These guys:



Just sayin'.

Phelps and Co. Still A Bunch of Douchebags

The renowned hate-mongers at Westboro Baptist Church have staged their latest "protest" outside Sidwell Friends, Sasha and Malia Obama's school. Why? Because the only thing god hates more than fags is a decent education.

Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip

Bawdy 1970's Hospital

[Cross-posted.]

Halloween, Now and Then

Deeks and sparkletoes, 2009



Deeky (left), the Great Grape Ape, circa 1975

The Taste Sensation That's Sweeping The Nation!

Made In Iran

I saw this on TV the other night.
For those who can't see it, here's a recap of the commercial.

In an average, everyday house and average, everyday man inspects his (presumably) belongings. Vaguely Johnny Cash-esque music plays over the scene. Everything he comes across is labelled with distinctly non-Made-in-America wording. Made in Mexico. Something in Chinese. Made in Malaysia. Made in Iran. One by one the man drags these items out of his house and dumps them onto his lawn. A woman sits in the living room and looks on disapprovingly. Who is she? The man's spouse? Mother? It's not clear. She knits. Until he drags her out and puts her on the lawn too. Finally he comes upon a rifle hung above the mantel. Stamped in (ridiculously) large letters on the barrel: Made in America. The man smiles and places the rifle back on the wall.

A lot of things struck me about this commercial. Besides its aggressive stupidity (buying something then throwing it out isn't really a boycott, not that that is the advertisers intended message), I found the Made in Iran bit quite interesting. Made in Iran? Really? Is Iran a big exporter of cheap clocks to the U.S.? Is Iran a big exporter of anything to the U.S.? I am pretty sure, in all my life, I've never seen a single item marked Made in Iran.

In spite of its weird and jingoistic message (sloppily delivered though it is) the ad did inspire me to wander around my house and attempt to determine the origin of ten random items. Just FYI, I purposefully picked things that A) I didn't know the origin of and 2) I assumed would be labelled. I knew the toothy, grinning crocodile head on the nightstand was from Florida, where I acquired it, but was likely not labelled as such, so I skipped that item. Same for my Maltese Falcon, which I am pretty sure was actually made in America too. (Take that, Malta!)

But I did look at the telephone, a frying pan, a peppermill, a plate (like the guy in the commercial), a nightlight, my laptop, a few other things. I did not check my firearms, because I don't own any. Here's what I found out: One item was from Taiwan. Three were actually unmarked. Three came from China, and one from France. The plate was from Sri Lanka. The frying pan was marked with Wisconsin, but I'm not sure that is where it was actually manufactured.

Not one thing was marked Made in Iran. Know why? Because most trade with Iran is prohibited. So why include this mendacious little moment in the commercial? Aside from trying to connect with racist, jingoistic douchnozzles who may be your target audience?

Halloween Night

Me and Juni, Halloween night.

Stupid... Like A Fox!

I was watching Fox News at lunch, only because that is what was on at the place we ate. It was either that or one of two hunting shows. (By the way, commercials on hunting networks: seriously gruesome.) Anyway, Fox News: that shit is hilarious. First off, there was a commercial for something, I don't recall what exactly, and the spokesperson was G. Gordon Liddy! G. Gordon Liddy! How is that even possible?

Then there was an exposé piece on earmarks attached to some bill. (The sound was off, so that is part of the reason I am being vague.) Among the questionable items: 1.5M for air conditioning FOR A MUSEUM! Oh noez! Science! Then there was money for eco projects FOR BLACK COLLEGES! Oh noez! Black people! That was followed by a piece on "government run healthcare." People really watch this station? And take it seriously? The idea kind of saddens me.

Some day I'd like to just sit and live blog Fox News for a few hours. I am not sure my brain could take it.

THE MAN FROM TALLAHASSEE

Or, Felix's Magic Bag of Tricks

[Originally Aired March 21, 2007]

Locke is meeting with a government bureaucrat, and she asks him lots of personal questions. She asks why he's stopped submitting his therapy paperwork. He's stopped going. The woman decides he must be better then, and suspends his benefits. Locke gets up and walks out. Meanwhile Locke, Sayid, Kate and Rousseau watch Jack play football. Jack wanders away from the field and talks to Juliet and Ben. Locke, Sayid, and Kate continue to watch. Rousseau disappears. They pull back to the jungle and Kate loads her rifle, apparently planning a shoot out to rescue Jack. Sayid tells her Jack may not want to be rescued. She is uncertain. (And is it just me, or have the writers kind of made Kate dumb this season?) "The first time I saw him he was risking his life pulling people out of burning airplane wreckage. If he's shaking hands with the Others, I'm sure he has a good reason. We wait till it's dark, we approach Jack when he's alone... and if he wants out, we get him out." Flashback and Locke hears a knock on his apartment door. It's some kid named Peter Talbot and he asks how many kidneys Locke has. Talbot tells Locke his mother is dating a really charming retired computer entrepreneur from Ontario. (California or Canada?) Locke asks what any of this has to do with him. Talbot asks why he gave the dude his kidney. Locke lies and says the donation was anonymous. At the barracks, later in the evening, Locke sends Sayid to watch the back of Jack's bungalow and tells Kate to go in the side door. Kate sneaks in and Jack freaks out, telling her to leave, now. She refuses and he tells her they're watching, pointing to a camera in his bungalow. Oops. Two Others bust in and wrestle her to the floor. A moment later some other Others bring Sayid inside. They ask who else is with them. No one, Kate says. Meanwhile Locke sneaks into Ben's bungalow. What is he up to? "You don't have to point the gun at me. I can tell you where Jack is," Ben says. "I'm not looking for Jack. I'm looking for the submarine." Uh oh. Ben plays dumb and Locke tells him Mikhail already told him about it. Then Alex wanders in and Locke grabs her. Tom knocks and Locke drags Alex into the closet. Tom and Alpert enter and tell Ben they've captured Sayid and Kate. Ben sends Tom away, telling him to separate the prisoners. Then Ben orders Alpert to "Bring me the man from Tallahassee." He leaves and Locke comes back in asks if that was some sort of code. "No, John, unfortunately we don't have a code for There's a man in my closet with a gun to my daughter's head. Although we obviously should. " Locke tells Ben to tell Alex to go get Sayid's backpack. Flashback and Locke is a flower shop spying on his dad and a woman as they make wedding arrangements. Dad notices Locke and wanders over toward him. Locke tells dad to call off the wedding and dad tells him he will. Yeah, right. Back on the island, Ben asks Locke to help him into his wheelchair. Then he asks Locke how he plans to pilot the submarine. "I'll figure something out. For all you know I was a commander in the navy." Ben asks why he wants Sayid's pack. Ben says if he met Mikhail, then they visited the comm station and must've seen the explosives. "So you're not planning to pilot the submarine anywhere, are you? You're planning to destroy it." Uh oh. Ben says he knows Locke and Locke tells him he doesn't know shit. Then Ben spouts off some stuff about Locke's life which is pretty spot on. "I know you spent the four years prior to your arrival on this island in a wheelchair. And I know how you ended up in it. Tell me, John. Did it hurt?" Cut to Kate, tied up on a room somewhere. Tom says hello and leads Jack in to see her. Kate asks Jack if he's okay, and he is and he tries to explain but can't only yelling "I told you not to come back for me!" Then he tells her they are letting him go and he plans to bring help back with him. Kate is in disbelief. Juliet enters and tells Jack they need to go. Jack tells Kate he'll come back for her. Flashback and Locke is approached by two detectives. They ask him about Peter Talbot and Locke lies, saying he doesn't know him. Then why was Locke's name and address on a piece of paper in his pocket? Uh oh. Peter Talbot has been murdered. Back in his room Ben is asking Locke about his miracle cure. Ben is amazed. Locke is nonchalant about it. Then Locke asks why the island hasn't cured Ben. In fact, he asks, why did the island let him get sick to begin with? Ben counters with "Are you afraid it'll go away, John? Is that why you want to destroy the submarine? Because you know if you ever leave this island you'll be back in the chair?" Alex walks to where they're holding Sayid and asks for his pack. Sayid looks at her and asks her if she's Alex. Alex wants to know how he knows her name. He tells her she looks like her mother. And when she says her mother is dead, Sayid replies, "I'm sure that's what they told you." Ben tells Locke that blowing up the submarine will fuck things up for him and the Others. Locke doesn't give two fucks, though. Ben tries to persuade him by telling him he has a magic box and he can use it to get whatever he wants. Locke tells him to get a new submarine then. Alex returns with the backpack and the C-4, and Locke makes her take him to the sub dock. After they've left, Jack comes in and asks Ben to let his friends go. Ben agrees and the two shake hands. Way to go Jack, but you forgot to ask him to let you go. From the bushes, Rousseau tearfully watches Alex as Locke heads into the submarine with the explosives. He rigs the sub up with the C-4. On his way out he runs into Juliet and Jack and the Others. They yell at him to surrender. Jack asks what he is doing here and Locke apologizes. Then the sub explodes. Flashback and Locke visits his father and accuses him of killing Peter. His father denies it and tells Locke after the kid's death his fiancé put the wedding on hold. His grift is over: no wedding, no con. Locke asks his dad to call the woman so she can verify this. Instead Locke's father shoves him out the window. Locke falls eight stories, breaking his back. At the hospital, the cops tell him dad fled to Mexico and disappeared. Then Locke starts some physical therapy, despite not really wanting to. Locke cries. Back at the compound Locke is chained to a pipe somewhere. Ben and Alpert come in and lead him down the hall. Ben tells Locke he knows he blew up the submarine because he's afraid of his father and the island is the one place he can never find him. Locke asks Ben what the hell he wants from him. "You seem to have some communion with this island, John, and that makes you very, very important. You have no idea what you're talking about, of course." Of course. Ha! "I want to help you," Ben adds. They reach the end of the hall and open the door. A man is in the room, gagged, tied in a chair. Locke looks at him and says "Dad?"

PAR AVION

Or, That's French For Air Mail

[Originally Aired March 14, 2007]

To be honest, I find Claire a bore. And her relationship with Charlie is the least compelling thing about the show. Let me sum that up for you: Claire likes Charlie. He's kind of a douche. Claire doesn't like Charlie. He's kind of a douche. Claire likes Charlie. He's kind of a douche. Claire doesn't like Charlie. He's still kind of a douche. She throws him out of her tent. She invites him back in. She throws him out of her tent. She invites him back in. Ad infinitum. It's like the relationship between Ross and Rachel on Friends, but this one has sand. So, this is another of Claire's flashback episodes. But I don't care enough to write about it. I'm gonna sum that up too, and here's what we learn: Old Man Shephard, Jack's father, is Claire's estranged father too. (See Two For The Road. Do not see Three For The Road starring Charlie Sheen.) Claire and Jack are half-siblings, but neither of them know it. In the real-time events on the island Claire and Charlie bicker (surprise!) and she throws him out of her tent (surprise!) but eventually lets him move back in (surprise!) This all concerns Desmond's continued psychic visions of Charlie's death and his attempts to intercede and save his life. Dez is a good guy, because personally I'd have let the Hobbit drown. Anyway, Claire hatches a plan to capture a migratory bird and attach a note to it in the hopes said bird will be found by scientists and initiate a rescue. It's a wonderfully written note, but they tie it to the bird's leg and it pretty much looks like it will fall off within three or four minutes. I don't anticipate a rescue any time soon. Meanwhile Sayid, Locke, Kate, Rousseau, and Mikhail are following the electrical conduit through the jungle to the Others' compound. Kate asks Rousseau why she's never asked about Alex. Rousseau confesses it is because the girl would find her a stranger. Mikhail explains how he arrived on the island via submarine, but since the incident with the EMP, the sonar beacon is broken. If the sub were to leave now, it would never be able to return. Does GPS not work here? Nevermind. Mikhail also reveals he knows everyone's full name somehow. Before he can reveal much more they stumble across a row of concrete pylons. Mikhail says it was a security fence for the compound, but it is no longer working. It circles the entire compound, there is no way around it. Sayid confirms this on his map. Then Locke grabs Mikhail and shoves him between the pylons. Mikhail says thanks then froths at the mouth and dies as blood pours from his ears and eyes. Eww. Sayid seems pissed, Locke doesn't give a shit, I guess. Then Sayid fumbles through Locke's backpack and finds a block of C-4. What the hell? They knock down a tree and use it to climb over a pylon. Soon, they are near the barracks. From the bushes they see Jack running. Kate is about to yell for him until Sayid stops her. Jack is running, and then he catches a football. He spikes the ball playfully as Tom cheers him on.