Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Guess Who Hates You

If you said this guy, give yourself a cigar slice of watermelon:

Alleged comedian Gallagher

Gallagher? Whut? Huh? The guy who used to smash produce with a sledgehammer back in the Eighties? Yes, him. Now he smashes other things. More symbolic things. At a recent show in Washington:

Gallagher gets a tin pie plate. He opens a giant can of fruit cocktail and pours it in. He opens a can of some Asian vegetable — water chestnuts, maybe — and pours that in, too. "This is the China people and queers!!!" he screams and takes his sledgehammer to the thing with a fury that is no fun at all.

What the fuck? China people and queers? Okay. So, who else is on Gallagher's shit list? The President, for one. "You ain't black. I don't care what you say — you're a latte. You're half whole-milk. It could be goat milk — you could be a terrorist!" He continues, "If Obama was really black, he'd act like a black guy and get a white wife!" Wow.

And if you have a tattoo, Gallagher doesn't like that either: "That ink goes through to your soul — if you read your Bible, your body is a sacred temple, you dipshit." I'm not sure what the Bible says about calling people dipshits.

Gallagher also doesn't like lesbians (I think): "There's two types — the ugly ones and the pretty ones."

And he really doesn't like trans folk. Especially fat trans folk. "People like Cher's daughter — figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can't see your dick, you don't get one."

Gallagher on foreigners: "Look around — see any Mexicans? Nope. They'll be here later for the cleanup." And: "[The French] ruin our language with their faggy words." Yes, Gallagher really hates fags.

He leans into it with the borderline-nonsensical, icked-out, ignorant glee of a boy — or the protest-too-much vigor of a GOP senator. Gallagher delivers your Bible verse for the day: "Without God, we are nothing but dust. What is butt dust? Is that what you get if your homosexual isn't properly lubricated?" He relates a story about spilling mouthwash onto his crotch during a show: "Lucky for me, there was no homosexuals in the area — 'cause my balls was minty fresh."


Back in the Eighties, Gallagher was pretty-much harmless (assuming you weren't a watermelon), but he's now moved into very dangerous territory. (The author describes a moment when the show "veers creepily close to white-power rhetoric: 'We're descended from an Anglo-Saxon Viking tradition!') There is no joke in smashing a plate full of veggies and saying "this is China people and queers." That's just hatred. Rage and hatred: visceral, primal. And dangerous.


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