Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The third of September is a day you'll always remember. (Yes, you will.) That is the day your daddy will die. Sorry!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Mostly sunny with a high of 83°F. Chance of precipitation: 10%.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Shark Night 3D will earn $46M this weekend.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Success is in your future! You will win an upcoming game of Monopoly, but only after everyone else quits due to disinterest.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Why is Ancient Aliens on the History Channel? Seriously, that is fucked up. What gives?
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your steak will be overcooked. All attempts to send it back will be rebuffed. Your Groupon is expired.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
That person claiming to be a wrong number? Yeah, that's really your ex who wants to get back together but is afraid to ask.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The salad fork is the little one on the end.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
That stain will probably not come out. Even if you use bleach.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Whatever you do, DON'T upload that video to Youtube.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be deeply ashamed when everyone finds out your favourite song is t.A.T.u.'s cover of "How Soon Is Now?"
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A tarnished reputation is harder to clean than a tarnished lamp. Always keep your wick clean and your oil clear.