Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Geek

This is an odd one. For a supposed sex flick, there's not too much screwing going on, and what of it there is features a guy in Sasquatch suit. And as interesting as that may sound, it isn't at all.

I'm not an expert or anything, but if seven minutes of your fifteen minute film consists of footage of people walking, and your film isn't about people walking, then something is terribly, terribly wrong. You see, this movie is about Bigfoot. This movie is about fucking. This movie is about Bigfoot fucking.

The Geek opens with some text about Sasquatch, and footage from someone's home movies, seemingly taken while on vacation in the Pacific Northwest. This partially explains the credit "Filmed on Location in Washington, Oregon and Alberta." Either that or my copy was missing a few reels*. The text is followed by narration about Sasquatch. Yes, this film is about Bigfoot, in case you missed that. Just don't expect to see him anytime soon.

Oh, and then comes the walking. And walking. And walking. And walking. And walking. And walking. And walking. All this accompanied by stock music. Six hikers, three men and three women, traverse up hills, through trees, into the brush.

After half the film is taken up with footage of them walking, the hikers finally stumble upon the first evidence of Sasquatch. The leader of the expedition describes it as a footprint, and we'll take his word for it that's what the ripple in the dirt is. A few moments later, they find a pile of Bigfoot turds and decide this must be the beast's camp.

And they're right.

As they watch the nearby tree line, they suddenly spy Bigfoot. Quite clearly it's just a guy in a very fake gorilla suit sans the head, with hair glued on his face. He grunts and growls, in his poorly-dubbed way, but he doesn't frighten the hikers. No, if he did that, there'd be no Bigfoot fucking, would there?

So, one of the hiker guys grabs one of his lady friends by the hand and pulls her toward Bigfoot. He coaxes her into making contact with the beast. Demurely, she approaches and holds out her delicate hand. Bigfoot sniffs her politely, then, overcome, shoves her to the ground.

The creature rips her panties off, flips her over on her belly and mounts her Bigfoot style. (N.B.: Bigfoot style is identical to doggy style.) The young lady tries to resist at first, but soon enough her expression changes to one of ecstasy. Yup, this girl likes the Bigfoot cock. Now, let me tell you, Bigfoot isn't going to be penning any books on the technique of lovemaking, as he's spent and done in about a minute.

It's only then that the three men in the party attempt to intervene. Of course, they attack the beast with the time-honored strategy of coming at him one by one, thereby allowing him to repeatedly put the smackdown on them. Bigfoot's fighting technique is as nuanced as his lovemaking technique. Whenever one of the hikers approaches, he grabs them by the head and shoves them into the dirt.

This goes on nearly as long as the sex scene, but is only mildly less interesting, and after a time Bigfoot scurries off, presumably bored as the rest of us. It's only then the other hikers lend a hand... to one of the injured men. The girl who got raped, I guess she's on her own.

All that is left now is the very long scene where they all walk out of the woods.

Directed by Unknown • Not Rated • Year Unknown • 15 minutes

*After to a bit of research, I discovered The Geek is available in two versions. There is a longer cut that includes two hardcore sex scenes between the hikers before they meet Bigfoot. I can't imagine this improves the film any.

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