21,859

That's how many votes Fred Thompson pulled in today in Florida. That's pretty respectable for a candidate that's not even running anymore. Or maybe it isn't. I don't know. Honestly, I don't really care. I just wanted to post up this picture. Again. Still, it would have been nice to see him stay in the race a little longer. I'd have loved to have seen him beat Giuliani. Again.

Right Said Fred

You can call the Thompson campaign a lot of things: lackluster, uninspiring, boring, half-hearted, half-assed, ill-conceived, stillborn, dead-on-arrival, a waste of everyone's time. You might even call it unsuccessful. But remember one thing. He beat Giuliani in five out of the six Republican primaries. And consider this as well: Giuliani is supposed to be a serious contender, a far more legitimate candidate than Thompson ever was.

We may miss you on the campaign trail, Freddy boy, but we'll always have our Curly Sue DVDs.

Teenage Boy Arrested In Bhutto Assassination

Pakistani police have extracted a confession from a fifteen year-old boy in which he admitted complicity in the death of opposition leader Benazir Bhutto. The boy stated he and some pals originally planned to toilet paper her house, but "it just got out of hand."

Other suspects remain at large.

Because Sometimes A Bumper Sticker Just Isn't Enough

I spotted this in my neighborhood yesterday:

The Miracle Worker

Rejoice, faggots! Huckabee can cure teh gay right out of ya. Or so says one of the posters over at Huck’s Army, a website devoted to "Faith, Family, and Freedom" that reads like a healthy serving of Soggy Biscuit à la Huckabee.

Not only can Huck cure you of your sodomite ways, but he works fast too. If I understand the story correctly, when the author's "friend" (*wink wink*) spoke to Huckabee about his sexuality, the presidential hopeful "quoted a few scriptures" and, voilà, the poor little homo was healed.

"Praise the Lord! Another soul going to heaven," responds a poster on the website. Is that all there is to it then? It just comes down to not sucking dick? I thought there was more to getting into heaven than that. Maybe standards are low at the pearly gates.

And you know, Huck's fix is way quicker than Ted Haggard's "restoration." It's odd too, since I am pretty sure Haggard has picked up a bible once or twice. (You kind of have to do that to properly thump it.) I bet he's kicking himself right now. Like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, he had the way home all along. Oh, well, the next time he gets caught with the meat in his mouth maybe he can save himself a few weeks.

I guess we're just lucky the author's "friend" (*wink wink*) didn't have AIDS. I suspect Huck wouldn't have been so kind.

H/T to Lizard.

Global Warming

It's January, and it's nearly 70º outside. I just got back to my desk, having earlier been evacuated to a musty corner of the building's basement. This was the result of a tornado warning that had been issued by the NWS. Hail is falling from the sky. (What next, a plague of frogs?)

Tornados aren't uncommon where I live (Central Missouri). At least not during tornado season. January is a different story. To all you deniers of climate change, do me a favor: Step outside for a minute.

What If They Threw A Caucus And No One Cared?

That’s what happened yesterday in Wyoming. The whole affair was something of a non-event for media. The candidates too, for that matter, with only about half them bothering to campaign there. This may be because Wyoming has the lowest population of all the states, and probably isn’t considered "worthwhile."

As a state, Wyoming also somehow manages to be even whiter than Iowa. It also has one of the highest Mormon populations, percentage-wise. The latter fact may account for Willard’s victory there, where he scored himself eight delegates.

It doesn’t explain how Fred Thompson ended up in second. Seriously, who the hell is voting for this guy?

After his victory, Willard was quoted as saying "The people of Wyoming took the first step towards bringing true conservative change to Washington."

Conservative change? Pardon me, but don’t those two words have opposite meanings? What the hell is conservative change? Is that more of the same? Or is it something different, but maybe not too different?

Maybe I can't blame the media for ignoring him.

Thompson Takes Third

Huh.

Willard's Promise

Presidential hopeful and all-around doucheface Willard Romney promises not to embarrass the country, not like the last president. Not like the last Democratic president. And like all good Repubs, he's doing it for the children.

"I think kids watch the White House and there have been failures in the past in the White House — if you go back to the Clinton years and recognize that..."

Of course, he was "not referring to anybody" when he spoke about whoever happened to be president during "the Clinton years." So, you know, it wasn't really a jab at the Democrats, per se.