Leo (July 23 - August 22)
The DVD of Zardoz you get from Netflix will be scratched, causing it to skip during Zed's escape from the Eternals. At first your weekend will seem ruined, until you find a slew of quarters between the couch cushions. Chuck E. Cheese, look out!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your semi-autobigraphical short story will be published. Unfortunately, your mother will not be pleased by your less-than-flattering portrayal of her. There will not be a check in your next birthday card.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
There is a thin line between love and hate: your significant other will dump you this weekend. At the food court. Stay away from the food court.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
There's nothing sure in this world, and there's nothing pure in this world. Look for something left in this world. It's a nice day for a white wedding, it's a nice day to start again.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
If the van is rocking, don't bother knocking. Also: gas, grass, or ass: no one rides for free.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You will be surprised by how good the cover band at the bar is this weekend. Don't tip the bartender too much, you'll need that money for cab fare home. You will leave your keys in the taxi.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Godzilla will not attack Tokyo this month. It is still wise to avoid travel to Japan until well after the monsoon season. Stay home and watch the Prison Police marathon on A&E this weekend.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Just because the jaw in the hardest bone in the human body, doesn't mean you should use yours unnecessarily. Don't talk to anyone this Sunday, and the Fates will reward you. Also, no leafy greens.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Wash your whites in cold water.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Ask the person next to you on the subway their name. Get that name tattoed on your ass. If the lettering is Old English, you will win the lottery. If another font is used, you will receive an inhertance from a distant uncle.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will be found out. Either ditch your scheme or go into hiding. You will be found out.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Remember, there is scant difference between Hollandaise and Bearnaise, aside from a bit of chervil and tarragon. This serves as a perfect metaphor for every relationship you have ever had. Don't you think maybe you should do something about that?