Because masturbation is a gateway drug, leading to dirty, dirty sex, the same way smoking weed means you'll inevitably end up snorting pancreas through a silly straw and mainlining nuke. Don't believe me? Well, it's a fact. Just ask read this article written by a "doctor." Or don't. It's painfully stupid. (That too is a fact.) Whatever. Just stop jacking off. And buy a shirt.