The Seven Percent Solution

Like a man who's wolfed down too much Ex-Lax, Ron Paul intones "I couldn't stop this movement if I tried." And with that assures us he's not, in fact, dropping out of the race. According to this electronic rimjob blog post from the L.A. Times, Paul's apparent strategy is to keep pulling in single digits (7% in Washington this week) in the primaries until both Huckabee and McCain fall ill and/or get caught snorting coke off an altar boy's ass. Paul has more money than his competitors, having built a loony pyramid scheme of wild-eyed contributors funneling cash and doubloons into his campaign (that's Libertarianism in action, I guess), and seems pretty confident he can jump right in as the Republican's default candidate should the current default candidate drop out. That's quite a plan. Almost brilliant in its stupidity, really. Except that it is, as I just noted, stupid. Good luck, Ron Paul, and here's to hoping Huckabee gets caught with his pants down.

Fred Phelps Blames NIU Shootings on Gays

Not really a surprise, is it? Pretty much every horrible thing that happens in the U.S. is the fault of us gays. Well, technically, it's God's fault, but He's smiting folks as "[His] revenge against homosexuals." Wevs, same result.

And though I won't link to it, if you read the Westboro Cult's latest handout, you'll note:

God hates Illinois and NIU. Moreover, you adopted a course of persecution against WBC. Expect worse & more from God.

It's bad enough you've let homos into your geology classes, but worse yet, you've picked on poor old Phelps and family.

And yes, they will protest the funerals.

(Hat tip to Lena.)

My Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart

In today's weird celebrity news, Patty Hearst (yes, that Patty Hearst) and her French bulldog win at the Westminster Dog Show. Good for you, Patty!

(H/T to my scrabulous pal Lena.)

Dream A Little Dream

It looks like American's Sweetheart, Corey Haim, has finally raised enough cash selling his teeth on eBay to purchase an ad in Variety. And what's he selling this time? Himself. No, not in that way. He's done with the drugs and drinking (I guess the fifteenth time is a charm, as far as rehab goes) and wants to get back to work as the Corey Who Didn't Have A Weird Relationship With Jacko.

As a longtime fan, I want to wish him the best of luck. I hope a kind and benevolent producer sees his ad, takes pity on the poor lad and finally greenlights that Prayer of the Rollerboys sequel we've all been waiting for.

The New Sanjaya

I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that American Idol hopeful Danny Noriega (left) will be this year's Sanjaya. Oh, he won't be quite the cultural phenomenon that Sanjaya was, no little girls will cry and bleat over him, but he'll be just as annoying. His little performance last night was rightly dubbed "grotesque" by Simon, and it'll only be downhill from here. He will long outstay his welcome, beating better singers into the finals, where he'll grate on our ears like nails on a chalkboard. Think I'm wrong? Just wait and see.

Today in Baghdad

I do not have the words to express the horror of this:

Remote-controlled explosives strapped to two mentally retarded women detonated in a coordinated attack on Baghdad pet bazaars Friday, Iraqi officials said, killing at least 73 people in the deadliest day since the U.S. sent 30,000 extra troops to the capital last spring.

Stupid. Fucking. War.