Is This Real?

As a friend put it "So the Christian Right made a Judd Apatow movie..."

I Felt The Same Way Too

The Last Man on Earth watches the Daddy Day Camp Trailer

I Am Pretty Sure I Owned Every One of These As A Kid

Click image to enlarge.

(Via.)

Krull

The Beast and his army of Slayers have traveled across space and invaded planet Krull. What's odd about this is their mode of transport. The Beast flies a giant mountain through the galaxy. Yes, a mountain. Oh sure, it's got wings, and some sort of propulsion system, but it's still just a big pile of rocks. It can't be aerodynamic.

They've come to bust up the wedding of Princess Lyssa to Prince Colwyn. The Beast wants Lyssa for himself. So he sends the Slayers in on horseback right during the middle of the nuptials to start shooting the place up with their laser swords. And yes, I did say they were on horseback. Space travel they've figured out, but ground transportation is still outside their grasp. And yes, I did say they were using laser swords. No, they're not light sabers, but swords that shoot lasers. I guess if the lasers don't work, you can just chop off your enemy's head.

Colwyn is the lone survivor, and he is nursed back to health (i.e. given a Band-Aid) by an old hermit named Ynyr. Ynyr tells Colwyn the only way he can defeat the Beast and rescue his bride is by finding the Glaive, an ancient and mystical weapon. The Glaive, as it turns out, is little more than an overgrown ninja throwing star. But Colwyn's journey up the mountain allows composer James Horner the opportunity to pretend he's scoring an exciting film. We, the audience, are treated to an extended sequence of Colwyn climbing a few rocks that really isn't as interesting, majestic, or thrilling as the music would have us believe.

Truthfully, nothing in this film is as interesting, majestic, or thrilling as the music would have us believe.

After retrieving the Glaive, Colwyn assembles a small army of brigands and malcontents to help him save the princess. His group consists of a bumbling magician, a Cyclops, a seer, a Paul Rutherford look-alike, a boy in a Peter Pan costume, and about a dozen or so interchangeable rogues.

The troupe embarks on a series of quests in hopes of finding a way to the Beast's hidden lair. Yeah, it's a mountain, and probably hard to hide, but it moves to a new location every morning, so Colwyn and company are having a bit of trouble finding it. So they travel through swamps and deserts, across the countryside, while dodging the Slayers and their laser swords.

Sometimes our heroes have horses, sometimes they don't. That's a bit odd since we're never shown how they acquired said horses, or how they subsequently lost them. Sometimes our heroes have womenfolk around, sometimes they don't. That too is a bit odd since we're never shown how they acquired said womenfolk, or how they subsequently lost them. There is during all this plenty of interesting, majestic, and thrilling music to be heard, distracting and inappropriate as it is.

After much wandering and whatnot, our small army finally makes it to the Beast's mobile mountain fortress. The fortress is hidden in the Desert of Iron, a place that is, surprisingly, a big flowery meadow. They attack, all six of them now (and yes that includes the boy in the Peter Pan costume too), and despite being vastly outnumbered they successfully rescue Lyssa. It makes one wonder how the Slayers came to conquer planet after planet.

There is, of course, a final battle between Colwyn and the Beast, wherein Colwyn strikes his foe down with the Glaive. But if that ain't enough, Colwyn's palm doubles as a flamethrower, spewing out the fire that is his and Lyssa's matrimonial love. Seriously.

What's really disappointing is the Beast himself. He's shot through a blurry, distorted filter, so as we never get a good look at him. I assume this means the puppet looked too damn fake and the producers were trying to hide that by going all "arty" during the finale. Nonetheless, Colwyn roasts his rubbery ass, the fortress collapses (up, into space, I guess), and everyone lives happily ever after.

Except those who died along the way.

Krull is an over-long, dull sci-fi adventure film. Not recommended.

Directed by Peter Yates • PG • 1983 • 117 minutes

Star Wars-Related Post of the Day Part II

Jawas vs. Nazis.

Because those Nazi fucks had it coming.

Star Wars-Related Post of the Day Part I

Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes: "Mad About Me" **

** AKA: John Williams: "Cantina Band"

Caligula

This is a jumbled, disjointed mess of a movie. It's a random collection of scenes interrupted by random sections of pornography. How Peter O’Toole and John Gielgud ended up in this I don’t know. At least Helen Mirren and Malcolm McDowell can blame it on youthful naïveté, but the elder thespians should have known better.

When Bob Guccione calls you up, says he's making a movie and asks you to be in it, your instincts better be warning you. And if they're not, then your manager or agent should be.

Here is the story: Caligula becomes emperor, humps his sister, and then is murdered by his own soldiers. In between all this there is rape, sodomy, fisting, torture, murder, necrophilia, and tons of shitty dialogue. The sex is graphic, the sets elaborate, but the film is, ultimately, rather dull and completely incoherent.

It's one thing to be in a crappy porno flick, it's another thing altogether to be in a crappy porno flick with pretensions it's a grand piece of art.

The orgies, the fisting, the intrigue, it becomes all rather pointless without any proper context in which to frame it. Unfortunately the film is slapped together in such a way that it is difficult to know what is going on or why, though I suspect that all may be beside the point.

As a historical drama Caligula is a failure. One cannot watch this and expect to learn anything, let alone be entertained. As porn it fares even worse, lacking eroticism, instead wallowing in its depravity. What titillation there may have been suffers from being surrounded by all the violence and degeneracy.

Avoid this one like a go-go boy with crabs.

Directed by Tinto Brass, Bob Guccione • Unrated • 1979 • 156 minutes

I'm Not Entirely Sure...

...what this is advertising:



It seems to be an ad for a spa at a fancy hotel.

On the other hand, it looks like something else entirely.

It's A Fact!

Top five best TV theme songs:

1. "Hardcastle and McCormick"

2. "Three's Company"

3. "Sandford and Son"

4. "What's Happening!!"

5. "The Rockford Files"

No!

That is not Darth Vader!

Apocalypse

The Apocalypse films are a four-part series produced by Jack Van Impe ministries chronicling world events after the Rapture. That's when all good Christians get sucked up into heaven by God, and all the heathens are left on earth to suffer under the rule of the Antichrist.

Not that I want to spoil any surprises for you.

This first film focuses on the events during that first week, as seen through the eyes of two reporters. They witness the battle of Armageddon, the Rapture, and the coming of the false messiah. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Thousands of years ago Hebrew prophets were given a vision of the Apocalypse. The following story is based on what they saw.

How's that for a title card? The movie fades in on an elderly woman and her adult granddaughter (Leigh Lewis) huddled in front of the TV. There is trouble in the Middle East, which shouldn't surprise anyone. But it seems the armies of 60 nations are converging on Armageddon valley in Israel, and Grandmum is convinced this is sure to bring about the Apocalypse.

But before she can really proselytize, they are interrupted by the doorbell. Bronson Pearl (Richard Nester) is at the door. He's come to kiss his sweetheart goodbye. Lewis' character, Helen, and Bronson are both newscasters working for WNN, a global news channel. Bronson is being sent to Israel to cover the war, and wanted to get in one last hug before he goes.

I just want to note we're only a minute and a half into this film so far. But don't worry, all the background you need has already been laid out, and nothing else is going to unnecessarily complicate matters from this point on. Why are there 60 different nations battling at Armageddon? No idea. Which countries are they? No idea. How'd all those armies squeeze into Israel? No idea. What about our lead characters? How long have they been dating? Is it serious? Are they engaged? Were either previously married? Any kids? No idea.

Day One

Yes, the days are ticked off by giant title cards, just so we have an idea how quickly Satan and his minions work. Frankly, I am surprised, I always imagined hell to be a giant, lumbering bureaucracy, like the DMV, but the Antichrist proves to be very efficient.

Bronson Pearl is in Israel, reporting live on the battle of Armageddon, which is apparently being fought by opposing battalions of stock footage. He's also trying to convince the Israeli army to, what, surrender? No idea. But the Israeli general in charge reminds Bronson that all they have is their land, and they must fight, or face annihilation. Things are getting grim.

But don't worry, Franco Macalusso (Sam Bornstein), the EU president, is working hard to end the crisis. Just between you and I the European Union doesn't actually have a president, but I guess they've taken a little license here. Or maybe this is set in the future. Why does he have an American accent? No idea. But he has promised to do what God hasn't, stop the war and bring peace to Earth.

Day Two

The stock footage conflict continues. Tel Aviv has been gassed. By who? No idea. But that ain't the half of it. An American aircraft carrier is nuked by the Chinese. Why? No idea. America (we assume) retaliates by blowing up the Chinese Ministry of Defense in Beijing. Yep, this is definitely getting out of hand. You probably know where this is headed, don't you? If you said nuclear war, you're right. Someone (Who? No idea) has launched missiles at Israel. When the general hears of this, he looks to Bronson, shouts "Samson's feast!" (see the Book of Judges for further info) and storms off.

Someone nukes Kamchatka. Who? No idea, maybe the Israelis, but footage of an atomic test from the 50s is carted out, scratches and all, so we can see it. The sad thing is, this is about the only effective part of the film. The fake newscasts inter-cut with reel after reel of stock war footage (even if some of it is fifty years old) actually manages to create some tension. But that quickly fades, as the movie veers straight into ridiculousness shortly thereafter.

The U.S. President, who is never named or even seen, only appearing as a voiceover, announces that several hundred nuclear missiles have been launched at the U.S. by "enemies of peace." Left with no choice the President launches a counterstrike, though he never says at who. Then things get silly.

The film cuts to the L.A. correspondent. And rather than describe what happens next, I'll just let him explain it. "It is unlikely that any kind of defense could be designed to protect us against such terrible weapons of mass destruction. I think probably the best thing we could have done would be perhaps to go home, say goodbye and perhaps... Oh my god, Charlie! Charlie! This is impossible, this is just impossible! I just can't believe it, I don't know what to say! My cameraman, Charles Taffis, he's just disappeared right in front of me! I don't understand it, people all around me seem to have been vaporized or something."

And yes, that's how it happens. That is how the Rapture is upon us. People all over the world suddenly disappear and leave behind nothing but a nicely folded bundle of clothes. Well, their shoes and shirts and pants, at least. I guess they took their undies with them.

You know those bumper stickers that say "In case of Rapture, this car will be unmanned"? It turns out those are accurate. More stock footage attacks as chaos reigns over the planet. Cars spin out of control, planes crash, and the world's armies are thoroughly confused. Most are convinced it's a new type of weapon. You know, one that vaporizes folks while neatly folding their garments. The good news is all those nukes have vanished too.

The citizens of Earth may be confused, but Macalusso isn't. See, he claims to be the messiah, and it was by his intervention alone that the world has been saved. He's removed the hateful among us and destroyed the missiles. That's his story anyway. But lest you're unsure he might be evil, some very spooky Omen-esque music plays while he talks.

Day Three

Helen rushes home to check on Grandmum. It's no surprise that Grandmum is gone. But she managed to leave a note and a key with her neatly folded bundle. "It's not too late for you," she consoles. Helen uses the key to open a lockbox Grandmum has left for her. And inside? Two videotapes of Jack Van Impe. (Am I the only one who finds his name a bit distressing?) Van Impe explains about the Rapture, and exposes the truth about the false messiah. Stunned, Helen watches the tapes, studies the bible and discovers all the signs are there. The only thing Helen can do now is turn her life over to the Lord.

Day Four

Helen returns to the studio to find management has been replaced by Len Parker (David Roddis), one of the Antichrist's minions. (This must be based on Fox News.) He's bitchy, limp-wristed and probably homosexual. He and Helen are immediately at odds. Why? No real reason, other than he's evil and she's good and so it's in the script that way.

Now Bronson has returned to the studio too, just in time to watch Macalusso's big speech. People the world over are gathering for this event, it's the largest TV broadcast ever. Russia, France, Czechoslovakia, they all tune in. Wait, Czechoslovakia? So much for my theory that this is set in the future. Again, Macalusso proclaims himself messiah and declares this heaven on Earth. He details how Jesus was a liar and a deceiver and how only the true messiah could have saved the world.

Helen sees through this and lures Bronson away from the studio. This doesn't go unnoticed, and Parker has his two evil henchmen follow them. Helen and Bronson head to her home where she plays him Van Impe videos and tries to convince him that Macalusso is the Antichrist. They spend eight minutes debating this. A very long eight minutes.

Of course, this has all been caught on camera by the evil henchmen. They've managed to slip a pinhole camera under the door. And despite the door being down the hall and around the corner, they've still got a decent picture.

Bronson is unconvinced by Helen's pleas, and he storms out, certain she's nuts.

Day Five

The filmmakers have now ditched the stock footage and resorted to using someone's home movies. We are treated to shots of decimated churches and Polish graffiti played over bad Christian pop music. Macalusso is not the Antichrist, the director is.

Parker confronts Bronson with the tape of his debate with Helen. He demands to know where she is, but Bronson refuses to give her up. Since the evil henchman followed her home and recorded the tape in her living room, I'm not sure why they can't find her now. Not trusting Bronson, Parker has a 12 second delay added to all broadcasts, just in case.

Macalusso meanwhile not only brokers a peace deal between stock footage Arabs and stock footage Jews, but also gets the leaders of the world to enact a new planetary constitution, making him president of the world. Not bad for Day Five. I told you he was efficient.

Again trying to convince Bronson of the truth about the Rapture and Macalusso, Helen slips out of the hotel she's hiding in to get a message to him. The evil henchmen are on her tail. I guess they know where she is after all. She manages to get a bible and an audiotape into Bronson's car before noticing she is being followed. She does her best to get away, and a high-speed chase ensues. Okay, it's not a high-speed chase, it's Helen driving around aimlessly while listening to Charlie Daniels. Really. Until she turns down a dead-end street and is captured.

After work, Bronson plays the tape and in a moment of divine inspiration heads to the cemetery where he has a tearful chat with his father's headstone. He weeps desperately for a sign and gets one. The moonlight shines down and lights up the bible verse chiseled into the headstone: 1 Thessalonians 4:16–17.

("For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven, with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first, then we which are alive, and remain, shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air, and so shall we ever be with the Lord.")

So what's that mean? It means we're digging up Dad! Yep, Bronson shovels his way six feet under and kicks open the coffin. Good thing his father was devout or we might be looking at a corpse right about now. Fortunately all that is inside is a neatly folded suit. I wonder if those things get ironed too.

Day Six

Helen is dragged back to the studio by one of the evil henchmen. Why? No idea, but it gives her a chance to confront Parker. He tells her the truth about Macalusso: "You worship him or you die." For some reason, the evil henchman video tapes this as well. I bet that guy peeps on his neighbours too.

Another speech is given by Macalusso. He compares the remaining Christians to a cancer that needs to be cut out. So, all around the world stock footage Christians are rounded up and beaten by police. Churches and bibles are burned, there is chaos in the streets again. Everyone hates Jesus. Sad face.

And there it is, the core of our movie. Forget all the evangelical stuff, the dicey translation of the Rapture. But as allegory it all comes down to this. Christians are losing their country, their world, to the secular, liberal hedonists. Homosexuals and Muslims are defiling the word of God and making this a hell on Earth. Is it really any wonder why the concept of the Rapture is so appealing? Nothing would be better than to leave this dirty, old world behind and be summoned up to the kingdom of heaven, a place filled only with like-minded folks.

Ah, but back to the movie. Bronson reports from the field about the new wave of violence against Christians. But his conscience has got the best of him, and before he signs off, he spills the beans about Macalusso being a false messiah. Too bad about that 12 second delay.

Day Seven

The world celebrates as the last remaining Christians are loaded onto trucks, presumably to be sent somewhere. At the depot, Helen and Bronson are reunited briefly before Bronson takes a beating from one of the guards. "Bronson Pearl, the most trusted man in America, I hereby dub you King of the Haters," the guard says before zapping him on the head with a stun gun. I wonder what that's an allusion to. Bronson is put in a truck where he and Helen discuss how wonderful it is to be saved. But the conversation is cut short, as Parker has plans for Bronson.

Bronson is to be taken to the gallows and hanged on live TV. Why? No idea. Parker is just plain evil, I guess. After Bronson's head is in the noose Parker asks "Any last words?" I guess he shouldn't have said that, because suddenly Bronson's voice is filling the airwaves. "What is this!?" screams Parker.

Remember those two evil henchmen? The ones following Helen around? Turns out one of them isn't so evil after all. He has locked himself in the control booth and is playing Bronson's unaired declaration. The world is finally being told the truth about Macalusso. Next he cues up Parker's you-worship him-or-you-die tape. And the topper? Oh yes, you guessed it: Jack Van Impe.

The Christians rejoice, souls are saved, and the film fades to black.

•
You know how Ed Wood was supposed to make a series of religious films with the profits from Plan 9? It's not too much of a stretch to say this is what the result would have looked like. The heavy reliance on stock footage, the way the film inexplicably moves from day to night, the cheap sets, the cheaper special effects.

Though truthfully, this film contains my favourite type of special effect: the one you never actually see. A true mark of a low budgeted film, from the battles to the rapture to the disappearing missiles, none of it is actually shown on screen. Instead it is just described by our actors as they look wistfully at the action just out of view.

That's not to say it isn't downright silly. Oh no, it is. The absolute best moment of the film is the Rapture itself. The sheer ridiculousness of it was enough to put me in a fit of hysterics. I had to pause the DVD until I stopped laughing. Of course, I immediately watched the scene again. To describe it doesn't do it justice: The camera jerks, then "This is impossible, this is just impossible," followed by shots of folded clothes lying everywhere.

It never is explained why the clothes are neatly folded with every rapturization, maybe Jesus used to work at the Gap. But so much in the film goes unexplained. There's the generic Mid East conflict, nameless states nuking one another, the relationship between the leads. I guess we're supposed to be upset when Bronson walks out on Helen, but the characters are so one-dimensional, it's hard to care about any of them.

The cast is unremarkable, and the fact that virtually none of them have done any other work probably says a lot. Leigh Lewis appears in all four films in the series, but not much else. Richard Nester and Sam Bornstein presumably went back to their day jobs after this. (Macalusso is played by veteran character actor Nick Mancuso in the sequels.)

And Peter Gerretsen hasn't directed another film since this mess. Let's all thank the Lord for that.

Directed by Peter Gerretsen • PG • 1998 • 94 minutes

Headline of the Day

"Smithsonian Acquires Parliament-Funkadelic Mothership." Make my funk the p-funk.

New Blondie Video

Blondie: "Mother"

Aspen

Two vintage Aspen Soda commercials, circa 1980.



I really loved this stuff too.

Tintin Teaser Trailer

Tintin Movie Posters

Click to make them bigger.

Times Square

Nicky and Pamela are two very different people. Nicky is tough girl, a teenage runaway, used to living on the streets, used to taking care of herself. She's loud, brash, and more than a little unstable. Pamela is shy, demure, the pampered daughter of a rich politician.

One thing they do have in common: Both are locked up in the psych ward of a New York hospital.

The two quickly form a bond and it's not long before they break out of the hospital. The girls take up residence in an abandoned warehouse and start hustling on Times Square. But three card monte isn’t a reliable gig, so Pam gets a job dancing in a strip club. Did I mention she’s 14? Fortunately it’s not as seedy as it sounds, as Pam refuses to take off her clothes, yet still rakes in the tips.

Pamela's politico daddy is up in arms, convinced Nicky has kidnapped his daughter. But Pam and Nicky set the record straight, using local DJ Johnny LaGuardia as their go-between. LaGuardia narrates the unfolding drama for his listeners, turning the girls into minor celebrities.

It's not long before Pam and Nicky have formed a punk cabaret act called the Sleaze Sisters. Their trademark seems to be randomly throwing TV sets off Manhattan high rises. When not creating mayhem with appliances, the two show up at LaGuardia’s for impromptu jams featuring lyrics such as "Spic, nigger, faggot, bum/Your daughter is one."

It's a great little tune in a soundtrack filled with great tunes. You'd be hard pressed to find a finer soundtrack capturing the post punk scene of the late 70s. Included are songs by XTC, Joe Jackson, Gary Numan, The Pretenders, Roxy Music and venerable New Yorkers Patti Smith, Lou Reed, and Talking Heads. And of course there is a song by The Ramones.

The film climaxes with the Sisters performing a gig atop a marquee on Times Square. Hundreds of disaffected girls show up, but so do the cops. Will the police nab Nicky, or will she escape their clutches? Will Pam be reunited with her distraught father? Will the gig end with all those teenaged girls rioting?

Oh well, I don't need to tell you it all works out okay for everyone, even Andy Gibb. For some unfathomable reason he gets the final song on the soundtrack. Father and daughter hug as the music swells, and we’re left scratching our head wondering where the fuck that came from. I guess punk really is dead.

Directed by Allan Moyle • R • 1980 • 111 minutes

Sure! Why Not?!

Gail Farrell and Dick Dale perform "One Toke Over the Line" on The Lawrence Welk Show, for some reason.

In Case You Give A Shit...

...Ron Paul is running for president.

"Time has come around to the point where the people are agreeing with much of what I've been saying for 30 years. So, I think the time is right," said the 75-year-old Paul, who first ran for president as a Libertarian in 1988.

I guess all those other times he ran the time wasn't right. But this time it's different. Okay then.

This Is Cause For Celebration!

Blogger is back! Sort of. So I thought we should celebrate! Sort of.


Donny Osmond as Luke Skywalker, Marie Osmond as Princess Leia, Kris fuckin' Kristofferson as Han Solo, C-3PO as C-3PO, R1-D1 as R2-D2, and Chewbacca as himself! Surrounded by singing and discoing Imperial Stormtroopers! What the hell is this? I don't know!

Jude's Los Angeles: Part 5

Jude's Los Angeles, Part 5 (of 7).

Third Rate Romance

Tom Jones: "Third Rate Romance"
If you've ever wondered why women used to throw their panties at Tom Jones (and maybe they still do), just watch this video. Tom Jones is undiluted, raw sexual energy. That belt buckle. Those gyrating hips. The ruffled shirt. And the devilish twinkle in his eye? Yeah, Tom Jones just made me gay.

Atlas Merchandises Part I

For everyone who was swooning over Dagny's bracelet a couple weeks ago:

Proudly made in the U.S.A., this anodized aluminium alloy bracelet is an exact replica of the Rearden Metal Bracelet worn by Taylor Schilling (Dagny Taggart) and Rebecca Wisocky (Lillian Rearden) in Atlas Shrugged Part I.

Okay, so I dunno if it qualifies as an exact replica if it's not made of Reardon metal, but I guess it's close enough.



Get yours today, objectivists! But beware of knock-offs! Knock-offs? Maybe. Theft of intellectual property is still theft! (And parking in the fire lane when using Redbox is still a shitty thing to do.) Retail price $159.00, which seems pricey for aluminium, but really, can you put a price on freedom? No, you can't: Freedom isn't free. I believe bumper stickers, no doy.



Stay tuned for more Atlas Shrugged: Part I news as it happens.

Jude's Los Angeles: Part 4

Part 4 (of 7) of Jude's Los Angeles.

Feeling Insignificant?

You, in the universe, compared to everything else.

Sal Mineo Biopic Casting News

Legendary producer James Franco is adapting Michael Gregg Michaud legendary biography of Sal Mineo for the big screen. James Franco starred in a biopic about James Dean who starred in two movies with Sal Mineo. Synchronicity! Franco, however, will not appear in this film.

Franco has cast relative unknown Val Lauren (see inset) to play Mineo in the film tentatively titled Sal.

Sal Mineo's performance as Plato in Rebel Without A Cause is often cited as one of Hollywood's first portrayals of a gay teenager. Later, Mineo himself came out, one of the first celebrities to do so, much to the detriment of his career. Mineo was murdered outside his West Hollywood apartment in 1976. He was 37.

Filming of Sal is set to begin this summer.

Tintin Shot First

[Via.]

Jude's Los Angeles: Part 3

Dear Tennessee

Dear Tennessee:

Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay GAY gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

So there.

A.T. Jones & Sons

The world's scariest storefront, A.T. Jones & Sons, costumers.



A.T. Jones has been in business for nearly forty years...



...despite the menacing clowns in their windows.

Popcorn

Maggie has bad dreams. Everyone has bad dreams, and normally this is no big deal. When Maggie sees her dreams projected up on a movie theater screen one afternoon, she knows things aren't quite right.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Maggie (Jill Schoelen) belongs to the film class at her high school. They're your usual gang of Eighties multi-culti misfits, from the guy in the wheelchair, to the nerdy guy, to the trollop, to the ethnic girl. Their stature on campus seems well below that of the chess club and the marching band, though this may be due in part to having Tony Roberts as their teacher.

Mr. Davis and Toby (Tom Villard), his star pupil, have come up with a perfect plan for a fundraiser. They'll rent a local theater and hold an all-night horror-thon. It's a pretty cool idea, especially considering the films they have lined up: First, there's The Mosquito, a giant insect feature. That's followed by The Incredible Electrified Man, which is pretty self-explanatory. The final film is Japanese import The Stench, in Aroma-rama.

Also on hand is Dr. Mnesyne, Ray Walston playing a William Castle-type replete with bag of tricks, including electrified seats and a giant fog machine to pump the auditorium full of whatever stink is on cue during the feature. While setting up for the big show, the kids also stumble across another item in Mnesyne's possession: A mysterious reel of film. The class is immediately intrigued by their find.

When the film is spooled up and projected across the big screen, Maggie freaks out, falling catatonic by the end. The film is the exact stuff she's been seeing in her dreams. And what's that, you ask? A crazy hippy guy waving a sword around, stabbing people and chasing some little girl. (For a moment here, I thought this was going to be like The Ring and all these kids were suddenly cursed. Fortunately, it was just a tacky art film, of sorts. Admittedly, it's a tacky art film with a shady past.)

When Maggie comes to, Mr. Davis informs the class the film is the final work of Lanyard Gates. (What is it with people in horror films having such ridiculous names?) Gates was a hippie (as we've seen) who spent the Sixties dropping acid with his friends and filming psychotropic inspired movies. But his little exercises in experimental cinema were pretty much laughed at by the general public. (Uwe Boll, I hope you're paying attention.)

Gates didn't take this so well, and as a rebuttal he filmed Possessor. (Maybe he thought he was D.W. Griffith, but the end result ain't exactly Intolerance.) The thing about Possessor, its final reel was never completed. No, instead Gates acted that out himself at the end of the show. Unfortunately for the other cast members, the grand finale involved a human sacrifice. Needless to say this wasn't a box office smash either. In fact, the theater ended up burning down that night, leaving Gates dead.

None of this explains why Maggie's been dreaming about him.

But that doesn't really matter right now because there's a horror-thon to put on. The kids have somehow managed to pack the theater with 1000 of their classmates. And these kids have all come in costumes, like it was Halloween night. The whole affair actually looks really fun. I tell ya, I'd go to an all-night horror show if this was what was in store. Okay, sure, I could do without the murder. Who wouldn't? (I'd rather save that for a school night.)

Everything goes swimmingly until Gates shows up at the box office. Of course, no one believes Maggie when she tries to warn them, which hastens their demise somewhat. During the features, Gates finds clever ways to off the teens and their teacher, usually relating to whatever gimmick is lined up.

For example, during the climax of The Mosquito, Mr. Davis buzzes the crowd with a giant, remote-controlled model of the beast. The crowd goes nuts, though not from fear. They pelt the poor contraption with popcorn, screech and holler, and generally act like teenagers. But backstage, Gates takes control of the machine and skewers Mr. Davis. And when it comes to The Incredible Electrified Man, you can imagine what becomes of the poor jerk manning the controls of the Tinglomatic™ seats.

Gates' plan is to show Possessor and finally complete his third act, this time chopping up poor Maggie instead of his daughter. He never got to finish the job last time. But why would Gates want to chop up Maggie, unless... Don't ponder that too long. Not because it might be a bit far fetched but because a reggae band suddenly appears in the theater and starts jammin'. Seriously.

Gates eventually gets Possessor cued up, and the crowd doesn't react well to it all. (Uwe Boll, I hope you're paying attention.) Nevertheless, he gets his third act, with Maggie up on stage, bound and ready for his sacrifice. The crowd doesn't know this is real. They think it's just one more gimmick...

This is one strange movie. The films in the horror-thon are great though. They're clever recreations of Fifties and Sixties drive-in fare. The inexplicable cameo by Ray Walston, and Jamaica subbing for Southern California are real head scratchers. But overall it's a fun film, and you'll probably never guess who the real killer is.

Directed by Mark Harrier • R • 1989 • 91 minutes

Jude's Los Angeles: Part 2

Part two of seven.

Box Office News

I was scouring the internet this morning for Atlas Shrugged Part 1 news, but there's nothing new out there. It's almost like the whole liberal news media blackout thing or whatever producer John Aglialoro was calling it is real. Except it's not. The truth is no one cares. Not even me, really. (And yet I keep writing about it. It's a sickness.)

Atlas Shrugged Part 1 dropped to 29th place at the box office, pulling a dismal $600 per screen this weekend. That is roughly about six viewers per screening. Ouch! The good news here is that it will be out of theaters ASAP and on DVD shortly. This still doesn't mean you can park wherever the fuck you want when using Redbox though. Just keep that in mind.

Meanwhile, it looks like Mel Gibson is officially box office poison. The Beaver, directed by Jodie Foster, tanked in its opening weekend. Whoops!

In better news, I guess, Thor hammered its way (See what I did there? Yeah, I know, I hate myself too) into theaters with $66M. Also at the top of the heap: two movies about heterosexuals getting married (Jumping the Broom and Something Borrowed), a Christian film (Soul Surfer) and a handful of sequels.

Note, on those sequels, I've never seen anything in the Fast and Furious franchise, not even by accident when flipping the channels. I've never heard of the Hoodwinked series, but I think it's for kids. (Any kids out there that can confirm that?) I hearby nominate Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family for most awkward film title of the year.

Rounding out the top ten was a cartoon of some sort (Rio), RPattz in a non-sparkling-dracula role (Water for Elephants), and a raunchy teen sex comedy (Prom). Go, modern cinema!

John Walker RIP

The Walker Brothers: "The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine (Anymore)"

Via Yahoo News:

Musician John Walker, the guitarist and vocalist for the seminal '60s and '70s British trio, The Walker Brothers, has died. He was 67.

Walker died Saturday in his Los Angeles home after battling liver cancer, his personal assistant told The Associated Press.

RIP John Walker.

Existential Star Wars

Random Twink

Dracula Vs. Frankenstein

For a movie titled Dracula vs. Frankenstein, neither monster actually appears in this film all that much. And viewers have to wade through a lot of nonsense to get to the "climactic" final battle between the pair. And by nonsense, of course I mean the plot.

Dr. Duryea (J. Carrol Naish), the last of the Frankenstein clan, is developing a serum derived from the blood of big-tittied hippy-chicks. Apparently big-tittied hippy-chicks who have been scared to death have a unique blood chemistry that allows Duryea to... Well, that's the great thing about the serum. It does so many things.

When injected into Groton (Lon Chaney Jr.), his mute, lumbering (i.e. drunk) sidekick, it turns him into an axe-wielding maniac. (This allows him to chop up more big-tittied hippy-chicks to get their blood for more serum so he can chop up more big-tittied hippy-chicks so he can... Oh, nevermind.) The serum will also calm Groton when he is maniacal, contradicting (and maybe even contraindicating) the previous use. It also keeps decapitated hippy-chicks alive in suspended animation. And it will make Dracula invincible. It's like Gold Bond powder, which, you know, works for both athlete's foot and jock itch.

I'm not sure how Dracula knows all of this, but he shows up at Duryea's lab with the original Frankenstein Monster in tow. Dracula wants Duryea to use the Monster to get revenge upon a former colleague, namely Forrest J. Ackerman. (What? Did Forry say something snarky about him in Famous Monsters of Filmland or something?) What this is supposed to accomplish really isn't clear, and when Duryea balks, Dracula threatens him with his laser-shooting death-ray ring. It's a pretty swank ring, I think they sell them at Tiffany's.

If any of this sounds mildly entertaining or even interesting, don't get too excited. This really encompasses a very small part of the story. It's just bookending for the main story of Vegas chanteuse Judith Fontaine (Regina Carrol) and her search for a wayward little sister lost somewhere in the seedy underbelly of Venice's druggy subculture. She spends the bulk of the movie wandering around with her beatnikish beau Mike haranguing and being harangued by angry midgets, trashy bikers and fascist cops. She even has a "musical" number (The horror! The horror!)

It's probably worth noting that this film actually started production as a biker film, but at some point the filmmakers decided to make it a horror movie. This sort of explains why a bunch of random shit keeps happening, but it really doesn't. I suspect it would have been a mess no matter what. Take for example the Dracula character, who looks like a porn actor (but was in reality the director's stockbroker) and sounds like he's in an echo chamber. Or Lon Chaney, whose throat cancer had rendered him unable to speak, and who is, quite clearly, sauced to the gills. And Regina Carrol, the lead actress, all she's got going for her is big knockers and even bigger hair, and has no business "acting." Do I need mention she is married to director Al Adamson?

Eventually Judith and Mike conclude all the badness around town leads directly back to Duryea's funhouse on the pier. And the funhouse? That is just a front for the doctor's lab. So the pair storms in, discovers the lab and Judith's catatonic sister. Things quickly go downhill from here. Chaos erupts, guns are fired, a midget dies, Groton is snuffed by the cops, and Duryea ends up decapitated by one of his own funhouse exhibits. (That funhouse is so not OSHA approved.)

Then Drac shows up again, roasts Mike with his laser-shooting death-ray ring and abducts Judith.

His plan is to take her back to his hideout in a church (don't ask me), and with the Monster's help, suck her dry. The Monster, as we all know, has a soft spot for the ladies and decides he's not about to let this innocent woman die, despite the fact he himself killed an innocent woman earlier in the film. Maybe her tits weren't as big as Judith's.

Nonetheless Dracula and the Monster finally end up battling it out I'm not going to spoil it and tell you which one ends up victorious. Besides, it's us, the viewers who are the real winners here.

Directed by Al Adamson • GP • 1971 • 90 minutes

Jude's Los Angeles: Part 1

A french documentary crew followed Jude around on a tour of Los Angeles in 2006. This is the first of seven parts.

Brazil Recognizes Civil Unions

Brazil's Supreme Court ruled yesterday that same-sex civil unions must be recognized. According to the AP "The ruling, however, stopped short of legalizing gay marriage in Brazil."

Brazil's high court ruled that gay couples are entitled to "the same legal rights as heterosexual pairs when it comes to alimony, retirement benefits of a partner who dies and inheritances."

Go, Brazil!

The Catholic Church, of course, opposed the measure.

Who's Thirsty?

(Via.)

Beautiful Mystery

It's not often you find a satire of Yukio Mishima's Shield Society wrapped up in a soft-core gay porn flick, but that's exactly what Beautiful Mystery is.

Mishima built his own private army from a firm crop of young men and boys, partly as a statement in favor of patriotism (which he felt was waning due to Western influences), and partly at his own despair over growing old. And when young Shinohara in this film takes a liking to a similar group, he is quickly inducted into the fold.

Despite stating that they are not queer, the society does engage in a fair amount of sodomy, as Shinohara soon discovers. When he is put under the tutelage of fellow cadet Takizawa it isn't too long before Takizawa ties Shinohara up and rapes him. Contrary to what you might expect Shinohara immediately falls in love with Takizawa.

But their relationship comes under some strain during the ensuing orgies, especially after Takizawa lets one of the other cadets "borrow" Shinohara for a while. But maybe they can save themselves and prove their love eternal if they go along with Master Makio on his coup d'état.

Some couples get tattoos or even married to announce their love to the world. Makio and his boys rehearse seppuku. And when he commands his young lover to "prick it in," who's going to argue with him?

"Sir, I intrude upon your kindness" may not sound romantic, but when Shinohara whispers it to Takizawa on their final night together before the coup, he certainly is being sincere. It's just too bad he forgot to set the alarm clock.

The epilogue is completely out of left field, and I have no idea what it is supposed to mean. Then again, I'm not sure what much of this film is supposed to mean. But as soft-core gay porn Mishima satires go, you could do a lot worse.

Directed by Genji Nakamura • Unrated • 1983 • 60 minutes

Coke Mural

I don't recall where exactly this was taken. City center, for sure. Maybe Ensor Street?

Shelton Apologizes

On the heels of last night's homophobic tweet (see here and here), Blake Shelton has apologized:

Hey y'all allow me to seriously apologize for the misunderstanding with the whole re-write on the Shania song last night...

Later Shelton said:

@glaad hey I want my fans and @nbcthevoice fans to know that anti-gay and lesbian violence is unacceptable!!!!! Help me!!!!

I hope Shelton has learned that homophobia and gay bashing are nothing to joke about. And maybe GLAAD will take him up on his plea for help. Sounds like Shelton may be willing to be educated a little on the subject. Good on him if that's true.

(Via.)

New Lars von Trier Movie Trailer

Surprise surprise, it looks like total garbage. (Not a surprise.)



Melancholia, coming November 4, 2011.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

The Brain That Wouldn't Die is a movie with a lesson. Two lessons actually: (1) Do not drive fast on country roads, and (2) Under no circumstances reanimate your girlfriend's decapitated head: see also.

When a patient flatlines on the operating table Dr. Bill Cortner (Herb Evers) demands that his experimental procedure is used to revive the man. This involves, as best I could tell, sticking a soldering iron in the fellow's brain. But it does the trick. "I may not approve of your methods," says his father and fellow surgean. "But I like your results."

But an urgent call from the doctor's mountain lab summons him away from the hospital. So he speeds through the hills, girlfriend at his side, until... The ensuing wreck throws Cortner from the car. Jan (Virginia Leith) is not so lucky. Fortunately, the quick-witted doctor snatches up her severed head and continues on to the lab with it.

You see, the doctor doesn't play by the rules. He's a rebel, pushing the limits of science and medicine, all for the good of man. Or, perhaps, he's just nuts. The thing is, his experiments work. Sort of. He throws Jan's head in a pan of an experimental fluid, and before you know it, she's come back to life. Sure, she's got no body, but hey, Cortner has a plan for that too.

All he has to do is find a donor. So, he starts to search high and low for a suitable woman to attach Jan's head to. And despite the fact he's only got two days at most to get himself a live body, he leisurely trolls strip clubs, making nice with potential victims. "Sense of urgency" is not in his vocabulary.

Of course, Jan isn't too happy being just a head, nor does she want another person murdered so she can get back on her (someone's?) feet. And the thing is, the fluid isn't without its side effects. See, Jan has developed psychic powers and has begun communicating with the beast in the lab's closet: one of the doctor's previous experiments, a horror cobbled together from stolen body parts.

The two have revenge on their mind. When the doctor returns to his lab with suitable donor, things don't go quite as planned.

This is not a very good film, really. There's too much padding, too much silliness. Too much time spent in titty bars. But Virginia Leith's performance as Jan in the Pan is rather fun. It's clear she's enjoying herself playing the conniving, demented, decapitated noggin, and her dialogue is priceless. Too bad the rest of the movie sucks.

Directed by Joseph Green • Unrated • 1962 • 82 minutes

Tweet of the Day

"Any man that tries Touching my behind He's gonna be a beaten, bleedin', heaving kind of guy..." — Blake Shelton, in reference to rewriting his favourite Shania Twain song and, I guess, turning it into an ode to gay bashing. Nice.

(Via Andy.)

I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden)

Kon Kan: "I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden)"

The Maltese Falcon

I wonder if it's even fair to review this movie. There is no way I can be objective. It is impossible to watch this film, or even discuss it, without comparing it to John Huston's far superior 1941 version. That’s not to say this is a bad film. No, it is certainly passable. It just suffers by standing in the shadow of a true classic. Of course, without the benefit of Huston's version, this film would probably be largely forgotten; it's as if Huston's film transforms this from run-of-the-mill mystery to a slightly more interesting curiosity.

The film is pretty faithful to Dashiell Hammett's book, which makes the comparisons to the latter adaptation all the more obvious. Much of the dialogue is the same, so then what makes this film different? Two things, really: casting, and by extension, the performances.

Ricardo Cortez is no Humphrey Bogart. When he says, near the end, "sure, I'll have some bad nights" as he's contemplating turning his girl over to the cops, he lacks the brooding intensity of Bogart and you wonder if he really means it. Cortez’s whole performance is almost diametrically opposed to Bogart's turn as Sam Spade. He's not the imposing tough guy that Bogart is. Cortez saunters through the film, smirk on his face, with the cockiness of a guy who knows he gets laid more than anyone else in the room.

Any hint of impropriety was excised from Huston's film, while the Spade here seems to have become a private eye for the sole purpose of getting tail. He's banging his clients, his secretary and even his partner's wife. There is no ambiguity in Spade and Wonderly's relationship this time around: as she lies in post-coital slumber, Spade sneaks out of their bed to rummage through her things.

This version is a full twenty minutes shorter, so some elements had to be excised, but generally, the story is the same. This leaves little room for surprises, though there is some anticipation in seeing how the various actors will choose to tackle their roles or how the director will stage certain scenes. But for the most part, it's unremarkable. Though, Otto Matieson makes a respectable Joel Cairo, and it’s nice to see Thelma Todd and Dwight Frye in supporting roles.

And the chemistry between Cortez and Daniels? More or less nonexistent. As I mentioned earlier, when Spade is talking about turning Wonderly in, there is true desperation in Bogart's and Astor's performances. Cortez and Daniels, on the other hand, aren’t quite convincing as lovers trapped in their quagmire of dishonesty, greed, and mistrust. This is, ultimately, why the film doesn't work.

Still, I'd recommend this film to fans of Huston's version. If nothing else, it's an interesting look at a rough draft of a cinema classic.

Directed by Roy Del Ruth • Not Rated • 1931 • 80 minutes

Erektionstarnung

Which is... apparently... German for "hide your boner":

Or Maybe Not...

Last week I wrote about objectivist film producer John Aglialoro and how he was going "on strike" to protest the critcal drubbing his film Atlas Shrugged Part 1 took.

"Critics, you won," Aglialoro complained, surrendering to the convenient conspiracy that the Liberal Media™ was Out To Get Him®. "I'm having deep second thoughts on why I should do Part 2." This didn't sit well with fans of the movie, who got a collective case of Sad Face over the news.

But as NewsBusters ("Exposing and Combating Liberal Media"! HA!) reported Friday, Aglialoro has changed his tune:

"Make no mistake, we want to make Part 2 and Part 3 and we're committed to finding a way to make it work."

Whew! I am soooo relieved. If Aglialoro does make Part 3: The Singening, I will go see it.

The challenge is in finding a way to overcome the critics and the rest of the establishment, who are united against us. The most frustrating thing is knowing that there are people who are missing out on an opportunity to enjoy the experience of Atlas Shrugged on the big screen either because of what critics have said or because they just don't know it's in theaters because they haven't heard about it.

At least he sticks to his conspiracy theory. He even takes it a step further: Aglialoro claims that MSNBC, CNN and CNBC "have all rejected a 15-second ad for 'editorial' reasons [with] no further explanation provided."

Though, in a separate interview published by the WSJ the following day Aglialoro stated "I underestimated the amount of television [advertising] that you must do. That is an undeniable necessary thing."

So, honestly, I don't even know what's going on. Aglialoro's story is all over the place: from poor word of mouth (which is weird because teabaggers are all over it like Christians were all over The Passion of the Christ), to censorship to bad marketing, there are plenty of reasons in Aglialoro's mind that Atlas is tanking. None of them seem to be that Aglialoro made a lousy movie with limited appeal.

He doesn't even seem to trust his base audience: how all these independent thinking teabaggers are under the influence of "what critics have said," is beyond me.

Expect a sequel... whenever. Which may or may not have singing. And may or may not play in a theater near you.

Candyfloss

Jonny: "Candyfloss"

Today in Technology News

"Is the world ready for a toilet with its own foot warmer, heated seat, bidet washlet and built-in music system, all controlled by a touchscreen remote?"



FUCK YES, IT IS.

Kohler K-3900 Numi Comfort Height Advanced Toilet and Bidet, suggested retail $6,390.00.