Black Friday

Black Friday is upon us. The holiest of holies, that day of unbridled consumerism and conspicuous spending that makes us all Americans, no matter what country we live in. And while you're out there today stimulating the economy, like the good patriots you are, think of me. Yes, think of me and all the things I want need. Because nobody wants needs more stuff than I do. So here's my Xmas List. Print it out. Take it with you. It'll make shopping for me easier.

Playmobil Hazmat Crew

Bruce of Los Angeles: Outside/Inside

EyeClops Bionic Eye

Suit of Armor

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Tiffany Metropolis Cuff Links

Vintage Stormtrooper 12" Action Figure

Dusty in Memphis by Dusty Springfield

Pith Helmet

Acupuncture Cat Model

The Exact and Very Strange Truth by Ben Piazza

Hugo Boss Plain Toe Oxfords

Corey Haim: Me, Myself, and I

Rainer Werner Fassbinder's BRD Trilogy

UPDATED to add: Darth Vader Toaster

[Cross-posted.]

Habeas Schmabeas

Constitutional tomfoolery is afoot! Gasp! The world is alight with talk of emoluments and essential oils. And Clinton. (Just google "emoluments" and "Clinton" and see.)

In case you didn't know before today, "emolument" is a word powdered wig types used way back when instead of "paycheck." Maybe because back then senators got paid in livestock instead of money.

In case you didn't know before today, Obama appointing Clinton Secretary of State would be unconstitutional. Because of emoluments.

The problem is, Article I, Section 6 of the U.S. Constitution says a senator who has voted a pay increase for a job like Secretary of State can't then serve as Secretary of State. I guess to keep them from voting a big fat raise for a job they're eyeing in the future. Kind of presumptuous, if you ask me. Does anyone really think Clinton's (or anyone else who approved the pay increase) grand plan was to vote for the emoluments, then lose the primary, then sneak her way into that (presumably now) high-paying job as Secretary of State? Okay, maybe people do think that.

There may be a way around the issue of emoluments, as far as the Oval Office is concerned: Roll back the pay; render the increase null and void. Unfortunately, according to constitutional scholars, this is totally not cool even though Taft did it to get Philander Knox in the White House. As did Nixon and Carter and W.J. Clinton. And who the hell names their kid Philander anyway? Seriously, that's messed up. See, even if the emoluments were dropped to pre-Clinton-vote figures, it would still be a violation of the Constitution. Let me quote pertinent bit (which, like all good bits of that document, I've snipped down to its useful parts) which makes it clear:

"No Senator shall, during the Time for which (s)he was elected, be appointed to any civil Office, which the Emoluments whereof shall have been increased during such time."

Just as you can't unring a bell, just as you can't shove sausage backward though a meat grinder and pull a pig out the other end, some things just can't be undone. Even if you did roll back the pay, you can't undo the historical fact that the increase was made. Even if it's gone now. So there. Suck on that, Taft! It may seem like mere equivocating, but it's not. No sir. It's the Constitution, and it can't be fucked with.

It's wonderful to know there are those fine, brave folks out there willing to stand up to our incoming president, and they won't let him make mockery of the rule of law in this country. Just imagine what would happen if our president tried to suspend habeas corpus on a whim or something.

Oh, Do Tell!

Delay schmelay.

This just in: Washington Times full of shit! Okay, you probably already knew that. According to a member of the Obama transition team, the president-elect has no plans to delay the repeal of DADT.

[N]ot everyone familiar with the issue has said that repealing the ban on open service would come later rather than sooner. Rep. Ellen Tauscher (D-Calif.), the lead sponsor of legislation that would repeal "Don’t Ask, Don't Tell" told CNN earlier this month that the administration would approve of such a bill next year.

"The key here is to get bills that pass the House and the Senate, that we can get to President-elect Obama to sign, and I think that we can do that, certainly, the first year of the administration," she said.

Once Obama's national security team is in place, something I assume will happen prior to 2010, the administration will develop a strategy to get DADT repealed.

Explosive!

In shocking, shocking, shocking news, President-elect Barack Obama will not let Teh Gayz run rampant over the military come January 20th. In fact he may wait until later in his term to attempt overturning DADT. Instead of opening the floodgates of sodomy on the armed forces his first day in office, Obama plans to meet with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Pentagon to develop new legislation he can present to Congress.

Which sounds quite reasonable.

In fact, I've been unable to find any reference to Obama promising a timeline on withdrawal (to borrow a phrase) of the policy. So, what is the point of the article at all? Other than to paint Obama as a liar, a promise breaker, a turncoat on this "explosive" issue (and probably everything else, now that we mention it; he's a secret Muslim and a liar, don't ya know.) Not that The Washington Times, that bastion of fair and balanced reportage, would ever resort to such a thing.

And what makes me think that anything having to do with Teh Gays is "explosive" as far as these douchsniffers are concerned?

Wevs.

The Muses Are Heard

As you may or may not know, Liss and I are good friends. I mention this in part to make you jealous, but also to let you know that our friendship does have its price. For example, when Liss can't sleep, and gets all loopy, she kills time in the wee hours of the morn Photoshopping pictures, superimposing my mug into a weird little fantasy world she's created for me. A world kind of like Planet Unicorn, but gayer. A world where I am, apparently, Olivia Newton-John:



And, as is typical of our friendship, I responded to this image thusly: "You know, if you're gonna go through all that work to Photoshop my ass into that picture, couldn't you have at least done something about my eyebrows?"

And with that, I wish you all a happy weekend.

Wooly Bully

I was reading a NYT article about a group of scientists speculating about resurrecting an extinct mammoth, à la Jurassic Park III. I found the article interesting for a couple of reasons. There are the sciency aspects of the story, and being the nerd I am, that type of thing fascinates me. I also got a kick out of the way the scientists seemed to throw out (seemingly arbitrary) monetary figures about how much such a project would cost. Like these guys were contractors you've called up to get an estimate on that new deck you're installing. "Sure we could build ya a wolly mammoth. It ain't gonna be cheap. That'll run ya about, say, ten million, give or take." Scientists also speculated that if one could clone a mammoth, a Neanderthal couldn't be too difficult either.

It was a geniunely fascinating article. Until i got to end, where I read this bit:

"Catholic teaching opposes all human cloning, and all production of human beings in the laboratory, so I do not see how any of this could be ethically acceptable in humans," said Richard Doerflinger, an official with the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.

What is that quote even doing in a science article? You never read a story about a church bake sale being interrupted with an interview from some Nietzschean saying "God is dead, cookies are pointless and futile." And, you know, it's not like the Church has this great track record when it comes to science, what with all that flat earth, center of the universe, burn the witches type stuff in their cannon.

So quit spoiling my science articles with b.s. about whatever some schmoe from some church thinks about atoms, or black holes or cryogenics or anything.

Bigger Than Jesus

Hillary Clinton is Bigger than Jesus. By more than 200 votes. At least according to voters in Jacksonville FLA. Clinton pulled in 234 write-in votes to Jesus's mere 23 in Duval County on election day. Jesus tied (for fourth) with None of the Above, and beat out His Number One Fan, Mike "I Hate Queers" Huckabee by two. God got six votes, so, I think, Catholically speaking, you could add those to Jesus's votes to suggest He actually took third place. Though, that still puts Him behind Ron Paul.

Also garnering votes: Chuck Norris and Bill Nye with two each (I smell a cage match!), as did noted hater of Mexicans and CNN talking head Lou Dobbs; Donald Duck and T. Boone Pickens (what, no Yosemite Sam?) got three each. It also warms my cockles to see some folks still love Fred Thompson as much as I do. He got four votes.

In the single digits I was thrilled to see Tommy Chong; it's good to know stoners still vote. Also winning lone write-ins: Bill O'Riely (sic), Hilary Bush (yeah, tres clever, oh and sic, by the way), Weird Al Yancovic (sic; and what is it with people not being able to spell?) and Truman (presumably this one, not that one.)

Inexplicably, Obama got four write-in votes. I wonder if those are counted. Probably not.

The Antichrist Comes A-Knockin'

Every election year some loon (or group of loons) posits the idea that one or more of the candidates is the Antichrist. They point to signs, like the candidate's stance on gay marriage (Satan likes buttfucking), and abortion (Satan like dead babies), and how close to June 6 they may have been born. New World Order this, Mrs. Baylock that, Rapture, Endtimes, blah blah blah. That's fine. We expect it from nutbags. What we don't expect is for shit like that to be printed in Newsweek.

This week's Newsweek dedicates 666 words* under this headline: Is Obama the Antichrist?

Seriously, Newsweek, this is what you're printing these days? Stories about our President-elect being the supreme evil and bringer of the End of the World? (And if so, why the hell didn't you ask that eight fuckin' years ago?)

Speculating whether Obama has replaced Pope John Paul II and Marilyn Manson as the Antichrist du Jour is all well and good, if you're an internet whacko or The Washington Times, but Newsweek, c'mon, you should know better. And using phrases like "Obama probably isn't the Antichrist" (emphasis mine) in your articles, even if it's attributed to an interviewee, is pretty fuckin' dicey, especially when the whole tone of the article doesn't seem too concerned with countering that idea.


* For the record, that is not true. But if Newsweek can print wildly inflammatory bullshit, so can I.

(Via Steve Benen.)

Get Out The Vote

Just a reminder, today is election day (see above).

If you need help finding your local polling place, click here.

P.S. And yes, this is just an excuse to post this ridiculous picture I took today.

A Final Thought

For the sake of argument, let's just say that McCain really is the mav'rick he claims to be: He really has been for the last quarter century dedicated to reform in our nation's capitol. He's taken shots from his own party and certainly from the other party, all to make Washington, and the country, a better place. You know, for all the Joe the Plumber types out there.

If that is true, if McCain is that heroic reformer and bringer of change, and the country is in the shape it's in now, then there is only one conclusion to make: McCain's efforts have been a complete failure. McCain is a complete failure. Because if he's spent the last twenty-six years trying to change the face of Washington for the better, he's accomplished fuck all in that regard.

Bill Maher: Still A Douche

Never one to miss an opportunity to confirm his status as a ginormous wankstain,"edgy" "comedian" Bill Maher threw out another of his standard homophobic jokes over the weekend. During a photo op with "American Idol" host Ryan Seacrest, wherein Seacrest suggested the photographer "get the boys in the picture," Maher retorted with the oh-so-clever "Get with the boys - that's your department, Ryan." Hilarious.

[Cross-posted.]