We Don't Need Another Hero

I shouldn't have to start off more than one post in a week with "oh, for fuck's sake," but it's turning out to be one of those Wednesdays. I am seriously sitting here all gobsmacked at this piece of virulent, misogynist douchefuckery disguised as "humor."

Here's the premise of the joke: What if the makers of Guitar Hero introduced a new game called Vagina Hero wherein the player had to tap all the right buttons in the right sequence at the right time, just like in the original game, but on a vagina shaped controller to "win"? (If you're not holding your sides now from laughing so hard, well, you won't ever be. The joke doesn't get any better than that. A stupid premise has nowhere to go but downhill, my friends.) Oh, and "winning" here is defined as bringing an on-screen woman to orgasm. In case you hadn't guessed.

Of course, as the author reveals, winning is really impossible unless you buy the deluxe package ($600!) because, you know, "the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women." And the author asks, apparently devoid of any sense of irony, "Isn’t this offensive?" If you have to ask…

Sorry, the joke continues, informing us that this would actually be "a great service" to women:

We are making foreplay interesting and exciting for guys… I think women should be excited by the idea of no longer walking away from a sexual encounter with blue balls, or whatever the equivalent of that would be for women.

Get it? Men don't like foreplay and women are strange and mysterious creatures with strange and mysterious genitals. So not only is this misogynist, woman-hating swill, it's unoriginal, misogynist, woman-hating swill. Though really, it's not so much that women are strange and mysterious as it is that the author doesn't actually give a shit about them beyond his own gratification. Wevs, Valentino.

If you were unsure of intent here, read the description of the game's controller (mildly-NSFW image):

Just look at it. What the fuck is that? We designed it and we don’t even really know. We tried to stay true to real thing, but that's the best we could do.

Scary girl parts! Ho ho! High komedy, that.

And what strategy is there in the fictional little game, aside from "the sooner you're done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl"? Well, there's the move where players can "speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero's version of Star Power, 'The Shocker', by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously."

Look, I told you this joke wasn't going to get any better as we went along. It's actually getting worse. The string of really, really bad puns at the end of the piece is sort of the maraschino cherry on a cat turd sundae that is this piece of alleged humor. Nevermind the connotations behind "jamming the buttons simultaneously."

What's sad is that someone thought this clever enough to write out and somehow managed to con a cohort into creating some illustrations to go along with the piece. (Oh, hell, maybe the artist did his part first and inspired the author. Chicken, egg, whatever, I'm not going there.) Sadder still is the fact that there are, no doubt, a whole bevy of people out there who will find this just fucking hilarious.

I'm going to crawl back in bed and dream of Tetris.

[H/T to Shaker Em.]