Halloween Dangers!

Everyone knows I love kids. And by "love" I mean "don't like very much but they're everywhere, so what are ya gonna do?" It's with that in mind I bring you this consumer alert. Danger is lurking in the aisles of your favourite Halloween retailer!

I am, of course, talking about tacky costumes in questionable taste. No kid should be allowed anywhere near these things. And if they do ask for one, feel free to spank them.

You're probably relieved to know there's no Dress Your Daughter Like A Whore™ costume this year. That's no reason to drop your guard. There's something just as nefarious hanging on the rack at you local Halloween retailer. I'm talking about the Geisha Girl Costume.

There's no better way to instill the values of limited self-worth, subservience to men, and institutionalized prostitution in your child than with this classic polyester number. What I find particularly amusing about this one is that there are two versions available: The Geisha Girl Costume and the Kids' Geisha Costume. I guess that latter one is a unisex model for fans of M. Butterfly.

Check out the ever-popular Macho Biker outfit (left). It's for every boy that wants to look like he's walked straight out of a Tom of Finland comic. I'm pretty sure I saw someone wearing this exact thing in Querelle. The Sailor Jerry "Mom" tattoo is a nice touch though.

But hey, the creepy sexualization of children isn't all we have to worry about this season. What can be said about the Harem Dog Pet Costume that isn't already covered in the description? "Your pooch will be positively dreamy in this exotic costume!" I don't know what kind of person would buy a harem outfit for a dog, and frankly, I don't think I want to.

And with the pink Jr. Camouflage Suit your daughter can express her dream to serve her country one day. So long as she doesn't forget she's just a girl. Maybe the color scheme will come in handy if she needs to hide in a room full of teddy bears and My Little Pony posters.

So, you've been warned. Between razor blades in apples and these costumes, it's going to be a dicey year for kids. But hey, Halloween is supposed to be scary, ain't it? Oh, and it looks like I was wrong about that Dress Your Daughter Like A Whore™ costume.