The View From My New Apartment

You Deserve A Break Today

Sexual Orientation Protections Added To New NFL Contract

I know next to nothing about sports.

And honestly, I don't much care. It's not my thing. That's not a judgment. If you like it, get on with your bad self. Different strokes and all that. It's just not something I enjoy. But, there is some good news coming out of the sports world (is that the right phrase?) today.

The NFL's new collective bargaining agreement (I think maybe there was a strike leading up to this) includes sexual orientation in its non-discrimination clause. That's a pretty big deal. The 2006 agreement included no such protections.

From the contract:

No Discrimination: There will be no discrimination in any form against any player by the Management Council, any Club or by the NFLPA [NFL Players Association] because of race, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, or activity or lack of activity on behalf of the NFLPA.

So, that's cool. And while "there are no openly gay professional sports players in football, basketball, baseball or hockey," this could help change that.

"I think that the conditions are being created — certainly now by this anti-discrimination language, but also what the players are saying — for a gay player to come out. More and more Americans are coming out in their lives and their industries, so it's going to hit sports. It has to," said Brian Ellner, a senior strategist with the Human Rights Campaign.

Random Twink

Posse In Effect

Because Joe Arpaio is a ginormous racist douchebag, he's decided to get to the bottom of this whole presidential birth certificate thing once and for all. Whut? Yeah, I know, everyone thought that was settled. Right?

Well, no. Of course not. There could be a video of Obama coming out of the birth canal and being wrapped in an American flag at the base of the Washington Monument and a certain group of people (assholes) still wouldn't believe he's an American. I mean, first off, he's not white, so how could he be? We all knew that Obama releasing his birth certificate (twice) wasn't going to shut them up. No amount of placation will quiet the racist clowns who hate having a black man as their president.

That's why Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has assembled his fabled Cold Case Posse to find out if Obama's birth certificate is fraudulent or not.

No word on how they're going to do that or who is even on the posse. I'm hoping they've hired renowned document expert and historian Benjamin Franklin Gates. That guy can get to the bottom of any conspiracy!

Arpaio assures us "This investigation does not involve politics." That's a relief! "When I get allegations brought to me by the citizens of Maricopa County, I look into the allegations, just like I am doing here." Oh, okay.

The complaint originated from Arizona's Surprise Tea Party, an obviously non-partisan group. Brian Reilly, a spokesman for the group, said he and the other teabaggers are looking forward to cooperating with the sheriff's investigation. Super!

The investigation is not being funded by taxpayers, but by the Cold Case Posse's 501(c)3, a charitable organization.

There's An App For That

Wanna Shrug (it's capitalized because it is important) and Twitter at the same time? There's an app for that! Looking to annoy your Facebook "friends" with Ayn Rand quotes while watching videos of her talks? There's an app for that! Need to play Wesley Mouch Said WHAT? with your kids on your next train trip? There's an app for that!

New American Library is proud (maybe?) to announce the Amplified Edition of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. It's like a book, but since it's for your iPad it has a bunch of other garbage thrown in for free! (Not really, since the Amplified Edition is two bucks more than the regular e-book. "There's no free in Objectivism!" - Tom Hanks.)

Amplification materials include:

• Full length audio lectures, including a Q&A on Objectivism, an outline of its basic principles, and commentary on the state of business and government
  
  
• Illustrated, revealing timeline of the author's life and major works, including personal documents, letters, and correspondence
  
  
• Photo gallery of early images of the author at work
  
  
• Endorsements and testimonials from celebrities and business leaders on the enduring power and influence of Atlas Shrugged

Neat! So get yours today. Because books are dead.

100% Pure Adrenaline!

Get your hoverboards out, kids, the future is now! And if your idea of the future is one where Hollywood is completely out of new ideas, then you're in luck!

Coming soon to an IMAX near you: Point Break! Hells to the yeah, Hollywood bigshots have greenlighted a remake of the Keanu Reeves/Patrick Swayze surfing and sky diving and bank robbing action epic!! Oh man, there are not enough exclamation points in the world to contain my excitement!!!

The new version will be set "in the world of international extreme sports" (obviously) and will be scripted by Kurt Wimmer who wrote Salt (barf) and Ultraviolet (double barf) and the upcoming Total Recall remake (wait, whut?)! So you just know this will be a heart-pounding, edge-of-your-seat, deadly game of cat-and-mouse! (And why are games of cat-and-mouse always "deadly"?! Time for some new adjectives, movie trailer guys!)

Hollywood bigshot Michael DeLuca had this to say: "Point Break wasn't just a film, it was a Zen meditation on testosterone fueled action and manhood in the late 20th century and we hope to create the same for the young 21st!" Can't argue with that! (You can't! I dare you to even try!)

No director has been attached (Hollywood lingo), but it will surely be someone "hot"! I am thinking Kathryn Bigelow, because she won a crater-full of awards with her heart-pounding, edge-of-your-seat, deadly game of cat-and-mouse movie The Hurt Locker! She should totally direct this!

Also! Casting choices! (If I were a Hollywood bigshot!) Bradley Cooper as Keanu Reeves' Johnny Utah! Mos Def as Patrick Swayze's Bodhi! Megan Fox as Lori Petty's Tyler! Jake Busey as Gary Busey's grizzled FBI guy! Kid Rock as Anthony Red-Hot-Chili-Pepper Kiedis' whatever-that-guy's-name-was! The Jonas Brothers as Bodhi's crew! Casting choices!

I can't wait til next summer or whenever this comes out!

The Republican Debate In 45 Seconds

Your Weekend Horoscope!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The third of September is a day you'll always remember. (Yes, you will.) That is the day your daddy will die. Sorry!

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Mostly sunny with a high of 83°F. Chance of precipitation: 10%.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Shark Night 3D will earn $46M this weekend.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Success is in your future! You will win an upcoming game of Monopoly, but only after everyone else quits due to disinterest.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Why is Ancient Aliens on the History Channel? Seriously, that is fucked up. What gives?

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your steak will be overcooked. All attempts to send it back will be rebuffed. Your Groupon is expired.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
That person claiming to be a wrong number? Yeah, that's really your ex who wants to get back together but is afraid to ask.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The salad fork is the little one on the end.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
That stain will probably not come out. Even if you use bleach.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Whatever you do, DON'T upload that video to Youtube.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be deeply ashamed when everyone finds out your favourite song is t.A.T.u.'s cover of "How Soon Is Now?"

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A tarnished reputation is harder to clean than a tarnished lamp. Always keep your wick clean and your oil clear.