Funkytown

Lipps Inc.: "Funkytown"

Shuffle

Monday morning's drivetime shuffle:

Andy Prieboy - "The New York Debut Of An L.A. Artist (Jazz Crowd)"
Dave Porter - "You're All They Talk About"
Lords of Acid - "The Crablouse (Roli's "The Body Is Our Destiny" Mix)"
Willy DeVille - "Hey Joe"
The Coolies - "Pussy Cook"
Plastic Bertrand - "Ça Plane Pour Moi"
Foetus - "Am I Surrounded By Incompetence"
Faces - "Stay With Me"
Kim Wilde - "Kids In America"
The Doors - "The Wasp (Texas Radio And The Big Beat)"
Camper Van Beethoven - "She Divines Water"
The Vandals - "Viking Suit"
Sigue Sigue Sputnik - "Rockit Miss USA"
Los Tiki Phantoms - "Tiki Please Me!"

Lord of the Rings Pez Set

Speaking of Pez dispensers, check this out, Ringians!



Lord of the Rings Pez Set
Awesome, right? It's got all your favourite Ring characters! (Unless that character is a lady. Whoops.) I looove how the Hobbit dispensers are shorter than the others. Because Hobbits, obviously! Get yours today!

Wampa Shoes!

Adidas Wampa Shoes
Just in time for Winter (sorry, Australia!) comes these awesome Wampa-fur shoes from Adidas. They're not cheap, but you don't need a lightsaber to get a pair. Just a major credit card.

The good news is no Wampas were harmed in the making of these shoes, but the bad news is they only come in men's sizes, which is weird, because I know a lot of women Star Wars nerds. Maybe the ladies get Princess Leia shoes or something.

"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside" still applies if you don't wash your feet.

It's Here! (Rearden Metal Edition)

Hey, remember that email from Atlas Shrugged Movie I posted about last week? The one that seemed to be advertising something, but was really not advertising anything? Well, the whole mystery has been cleared up with a new email from... drum roll please... REARDEN STEEL!

Yeah, so, the Atlas Shrugged marketing team is finally taking my advice and sending out emails from movie characters. I guess Rearden Steel is a character. As much as anyone or anything in the movie is. It's an entity. Like the Ministry of Love or the Lord of the Flies conch. Right? It would totally get its own Cliffs Notes page. Plus, it's actually clear this time what they are selling. (Cue up Pomp and Circumstance, they are ready to graduate my marketing class!)

They sent me this great email:


The copy in the email reads:

It's here. And, it's AWESOME.

Harmon Kaslow and John Aglialoro present this very Special Edition Atlas Shrugged Part I Blu-Ray packaged in an amazing one-of-a-kind REARDEN STEEL collectible case housing over 2 hours of incredible bonus material.

IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

PRE-ORDER NOW FOR DEC. 19-23 DELIVERY.

[There is also some stuff about Midas Mulligan's annual sale, whut? And the Canadian premier! Ha! Eat that, Canadians!]

Atlas Shrugged: Part 1: The Search for Spock on Blu-Ray! In a Rearden Steel metal case! Note, this is not actually made of Rearden steel because Rearden steel is fictional. But still!

You and all your friends can order this one-of-a-kind item, which kind of makes me wonder if the marketing team knows what one-of-a-kind means. But nevermind!

The Blu-Ray comes in three different versions (Oof, what's the total now, twelve? Twelve different versions of this DVD/Blu-Ray thing?) with a bunch of exclusive features like the "I am John Galt" fan video compilation which is on the regular DVD, too. This also makes me wonder if the marketing team knows what exclusive means. Ah, well, in marketing words can mean anything you want, dictionaries be damned!

So give yourself (obviously) the gift of Rearden Steel this Xmas! I know I will. (I won't.)

Speaking of Xmas (a non-denominational holiday, just FYI) this stuff is also on Blu-Ray this week:

One Day. Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess have sex once a year for twenty years. Special packaging: Comes inside a Page-A-Day Calendar.

Friends With Benefits. Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake have sex. Special packaging: Comes inside a No Strings Attached DVD case.

The Adventures of Tintin. Cartoon version of the books! Woo hoo! Special packaging: Comes inside a reproduction of Tintin's rocket.

Walk a Mile in My Pradas. Switcheroo Comedy™ about a homophobe who turns gay. Boat Trip meets Vice Versa and/or Like Father Like Son. Special packaging: Comes in a time capsule from 1986.

Conan the Barbarian Reboot! About muscles and swords and (probably) does not feature any Grace Jones. Special packaging: Comes in a faux-fur loincloth.

The Smurfs Reboot! Computer-generated blue wee people (are they people?) get into hijinx and shenanigans with Doogie Howser. Retro! Special packaging: Comes in a can of creative bankruptcy.

Get shopping, Shruggers!

Synthicide

SSQ: "Synthicide"

Atlas Emails!

I got an email a little while ago from Atlas Shrugged Movie. That's really the name in the from field. It is really from the movie's marketing department. I must have signed up for email alerts from them at some point. Whoops. Personally, I think this should have come from "John Galt." That would have been neat. "Hey, Mom, John Galt just sent me an email!" See? Marketing 101.

Anyway, misery loves company (so says that Goo Goo Dolls song), so I thought I'd share:


The copy in the email reads:

THIS FRIDAY, GIVE THE GIFT OF KNOWLEDGE.

Mark your calendar. This Friday, November 25, is the special one-day Gulch Store shopping event. Visit us online and give the very special blu-metal gift of lasting knowledge to your friends and family.

Browse the Gulch Store now for great gift ideas.

I don't really know what this means. It references a one-day event on Friday, but the online store is open now and will, free-market willing, be open Saturday and I see nothing about special Black Friday discounts. Marketing 204 (an elective class) I bet teaches: Be sure your message is clear. Whoops.

I guess, maybe, if you're going to buy an Atlas Shrugged: Part I: The Undiscovered Country DVD do it on Friday? It's now available in nine (NINE!) different editions. Oof. To be an Atlas Shrugged: Part I DVD completist: Sad face.

See you Friday, Shruggians!

Autumn Sweater

Yo La Tengo: "Autumn Sweater"

My Little Ponies On 45

A pair of My Little Ponies singing a medley of showtunes, including "Defying Gravity" from Wicked.

Bacon Lube!

Baconlube™, which bills itself as "the world's first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil." $11.99 a bottle or $59.99 for six. It's probably less messy than repurposing your bacon grease.

Quote of the Day

"By calling girls like me fat this is what you're doing to other people." — Miley Cyrus, on her twitter, responding to critics of her new, plumper body, by posting a picture of an emaciated woman. (The photo is at the above link, and fair warning, it is graphic and NSFW and likely triggering for some folks.) Miley followed up with a tweet stating "I don't wanna be shaped like a girl I LOVE being shaped like a WOMAN."

Jack Snoozes

Seen

(An online advertisement reading "Local Sexual Harassment:
Find Sexual Harassment Near You. Read Actual Customer Reviews! Local.com")
Oof. Someone needs to tweek their ad-bot. Just a suggestion. And yes, this was attached to a story about Herman Cain. Double oof.

Nom Nom Nom

Jack chews on Juniper's tail. Nom nom nom.

Quote of the Day

"The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is." — Herman Cain, the GOP's current frontrunner, on what makes a man a man and what makes a sissy a sissy (vegetables) in a new GQ Magazine profile.

Today In Whoops

I know you're all excited by my announcement Friday regarding the DVD release of Atlas Shrugged: Part 1: The Phantom Menacers, so I hope this doesn't ruin your day.

The release has been marred by a typo, and 100,000 title sheets for the DVD will have to be replaced. The artwork for the DVD describes the film thusly: "Ayn Rand's timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice comes to life..." Uh oh.

A spokesperson for the producer had this to say:

"It's embarrassing for sure and of course, regardless of how or why it happened, we're all feeling responsible right now. You can imagine how mortified we all were when we saw the DVD but, it was simply too late — the product was already on shelves all over the Country. It was certainly no surprise when the incredulous emails ensued. The irony is inescapable."

The company is replacing the sheets free of charge (also ironic) with new copy that reads "Ayn Rand's timeless novel of rational self-interest to life..." Much better!

But don't throw those originals out, Galtians, they're collector's items!

[H/t to everyone in the universe.]

It's Here!

Finally! After decades of waiting! It seemed like this day would never come but it has! Atlas Shrugged: Part I: Shrug Like There's No Tomorrow is now available on DVD!



Official Atlas Shrugged Movie DVD
Get your copy at the Official Www.atlasshruggedpart1.com Website for only $19.95! ("In stock. Order now for immediate delivery.") Or, get it at Amazon for $15.49 (Free market!) or download it for $3.99 (48 hour rental, free market, too!) or $14.99 (own it forever (i.e. until your harddrive crashes!)!). Or Qwikster it! Sorry, it isn't on Redbox yet (the market has spoken!)

It's also on Blu-ray in case you want to see the special effects in super high definition on your 97" plasma TV. (I thought plasma came from blood. They're not making these TVs out of blood are they?! "Personhood!") Oddly, the Blu-ray version doesn't seem to be available on the film's website. (Free market?) But that's okay, they make it up to you.

With this!:



Official Atlas Shrugged DVD: Collector's 4 DVD Box Set
For the collectors! If you collect Atlas Shrugged DVDs, this is the must have Atlas Shrugged DVD this season! Some of the exciting features in this set:

Each DVD contains the FULL Theatrical Release of ATLAS SHRUGGED Part I which opened in limited release nationwide April 15th, 2011 (Whut?)

"I am John Galt." fan video compilation (35:06) (35:06!)

"The John Galt Theme" slideshow (3:17) (Hawt!)

"The World of Atlas Shrugged" audio program (MP3 and ROM) (ROM? Huh?)

"Welcome" from FreedomWorks President Matt Kibbe (Fun!)

Barbara Branden on the Passion of Ayn Rand (Also fun!)

Exclusive footage from the April 14th premiere (Not fun!)

And if that's not enough, it comes in three (three!) separate editions! One with an actual film cel (recycling!) for $139.95 (a fool and his money!) and another with a film cell plus an autograph from someone (be surprised!) for $179.95! (Paypal not accepted.)

Just in time for Christmas! (Also, Santa: so NOT the Randian ideal. Those kids didn't earn those Legos!) Shake the invisble hand of the free market and get yours today.

Sleepy Jack Is Sleepy

"Whatta ya doin' I'm tryin' a sleep?"

Knights of Mayhem

Nat Geo's new reality show about jousting. Jousting. Yeah, really.


Come on, white dudes, you need some better hobbies. Just sayin'.

Finding Jack

I was driving home the other day, ambling through rush hour traffic, thinking about how much I need to pee. Typical Friday, really. Edmondson Avenue heading into downtown was crowded, slow, but not completely stopped.

Somewhere between Uplands Park and Cathedral Cemetery I saw a cumpled up brown paper sack in the road in front of me. The only reason I really noticed the litter was because of it's shape. I thought to myself, "That piece of paper looks just like a kitten."

A moment later I realized that piece of paper was a kitten! Eep!

Okay, so just to get an idea of where this furball was, I've kindly recreated the placement of the kitten in the image below. I've also used a graphic of a teddy bear in place of the feline for reasons that should be obvious.



(Artist's rendering © 2011 Deekyvision Enterprises GmbH.)
I stopped, put on my flashers and jumped from the car. I ran to the front of the car but the kitten was gone. Crap. He'd crawled under my car. I guess for safety? "Kitty, don't do that!"

Reaching for him just prompted him to run out behind my car. Uh oh. Yeah, if "Yakety Sax" had been playing, it would have been perfect. I chased him around a bit, holding up traffic as we weaved and dodged around the road around my car until he slowed enough for me to grab him.

As I carried him back to the car I noticed how scrawny he was. A tiny little underfed thing. I tossed him onto the floorboard and drove away, not sure what I was going to do with a dirty, mewing kitten. A bit down the road I stopped and, using my smart phone, checked the hours for the city's animal shelter. Unfortunately they'd closed for the evening.

Well, I said to myself, I guess he can stay the night and I'll drop him off in the morning.

That was over a week ago. The kitten is still in my apartment.


I took him to the vet the next morning. They bathed him, weighed him (1.6lbs) and following some tests declared him in good health. His name is Jack.

Here he is that first night, having perched himself on my back, like I'm a pirate and he's a parrot:


For scale, here is Jack and an Xbox controller:


Welcome home, Jack. I am glad to have found you. You're safe now.

Oh, and to the woman who gave me dirty looks as I was picking up Jack from the road: Kiss my ass.

[Cross-posted.]

Nipper

Nipper statue atop the Maryland Historical Society.

Cure For Pain

Morphine: "Cure For Pain"

This Guy Has Diagrams

So, it's all good:

Fracking Caused Earthquakes, Researchers Find

This story briefly appeared on The Guardian's website before being yanked.

Gas drilling deep beneath the Fylde coast did cause minor earthquakes, a report confirmed on Monday.

The shale gas company Cuadrilla Resources – has been urged to stop causing the tremors or face the prospect of having its operations closed down.

The company had been in discussion with the Department of Energy and Climate Change to consider a report into the risk of earthquakes associated with fracking – the process used to extract shale gas from deep beneath the Fylde coast.

The meetings followed the British Geological Survey's conclusion that two recent earth tremors felt were most likely to have been caused by fracking.

The British Geological Survey said the correlations between the earthquakes and the time of fracking operations and the proximity of the quakes to the site, all pointed towards the earthquakes being a result of the process.

Seismologist Brian Baptie said: "These were still very small earthquakes, even by UK standards and won’t cause any damage. If fracking continued I couldn't see the tremors getting much bigger."

He added that it's obviously a concern for residents.

Cuadrilla has been criticised for its drilling technique, which involves pumping high volumes of water and sand into drill holes to crack the rocks so gas can be extracted. The company commissioned a report following the tremors earlier this year.

Shortly after the quakes were felt the firm halted its operations after admitting the low magnitude tremors felt in Poulton in April and May, close to Cuadrilla's Singleton site could be connected.

And geoscientists said Cuadrilla's operations could be shut down permanently if proposed methods to reduce the risk of earthquakes fail.

Toni Harvey, a senior geoscientist at the Department of Energy and Climate Change said: "If we allow fracking to continue and their mitigation didn't work, then we would shut them down again, without a doubt. There is a lot of concern in the media and from ministers about public safety.

"DECC has requested a detailed report from Cuadrilla, which we understand they are close to finalising. When the report is received, it will be carefully considered, with input from British Geological Survey and other experts."

Last month Cuadrilla, the first company to explore for shale gas in the UK, announced the Fylde coast holds a total potential resource of 200 trillion cubic feet of gas. It estimated the discovery – between Blackpool and Southport – could be worth £6bn to the UK economy and create 1,700 jobs locally.

However protesters are campaigning to stop the drilling and the delightfully named anti-group, Frack Off, rallied outside the DECC headquarters as the company presented the study.

Philip Mitchell, chairman of Blackpool and Fylde Green Party, called on the government to halt all UK hydraulic fracturing industry activity until there had been a thorough evaluation of the risks.

He said: "Any suggestion of an acceptable level of earthquakes caused by fracking should be rejected.

"The government must realise it must stop treating our communities like guinea pigs and accept these techniques carry unacceptable risks to the British public.

"Ministers must stop the industry activity at least until parliament and the public can be guided by a full and robust appraisal of the total risk to the themselves and to the environment."

Mark Miller, the CEO of Cuadrilla Resources, said they had a useful, in-depth working session with officials on the initial findings of the report.

"There is some considerable work still to do and we absolutely share with DECC the need to have the complex issues involved addressed dealt with satisfactorily," he said.

Aiden Attewill, from Frack Off, likened the process as scraping the bottom of the fossil fuel barrel. "We need to stop putting off these problems and really address issues of resource depletion and climate change," he said.

People Are Still Having Sex

LaTour: "People Are Still Having Sex"

Halloween 2011 Mix

It's time again for my semi-irregular not-quite-annual Halloween mix CD. Of course, you'll have to burn it yourselves this time around. But that's okay: Burning things makes us feel toasty, especially during The Fall. And who doesn't love the smell of burning pumpkin flesh? Nothing like a little candle roasting a jack-o-lantern from the inside.

A Walk In The Dark: Halloween 2011

Foyer Music from The Haunted Mansion
Count Chocula: Intro
Alex Harvey: Hoodooin' of Miss Fannie De Berry
The Legendary Invisible Men: Spooks Night Out
Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde
The Gothic Archies: Walking My Gargoyle
The Born Losers: Werewolves On Wheels
Ethel Ennis: Mad Monster Party
Blacula
Eels: My Beloved Mad Monster Party
Squirrel Nut Zippers: Memphis Exorcism
Dead Elvi: The Creature Stole My Surfboard
The Haunted Mansion
Chris Calabrese: Grim Grinning Ghosts
Sounds To Make You Shiver!: Phantom Piano
The Ghastly Ones: The Ghastly Stomp
The Exorcist
Book of Love: Tubular Bells
Rob Zombie: Living Dead Girl
The Cramps: Zombie Dance
Barenaked Ladies: Grim Grinning Ghosts
Tones On Tail: Movement of Fear
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark: The Lights Are Going Out
David Byrne: A Walk In The Dark
Scream Blacula Scream
Barry Bostwick, Susan Sarandon & Richard O'Brien: Over at the Frankenstein Place
45 Grave: Riboflavin-Flavored Non-Carbonated Polyunsaturated Blood
Panic! at the Disco: This Is Halloween
The Ramones: Pet Sematary
Silver Shamrock Jingle

Get it here.

Just FYI

This is the best pop song about Peter Lorre you will hear today:



The Jazz Butcher Conspiracy: "Peter Lorre"

The View From My New Apartment

You Deserve A Break Today

Sexual Orientation Protections Added To New NFL Contract

I know next to nothing about sports.

And honestly, I don't much care. It's not my thing. That's not a judgment. If you like it, get on with your bad self. Different strokes and all that. It's just not something I enjoy. But, there is some good news coming out of the sports world (is that the right phrase?) today.

The NFL's new collective bargaining agreement (I think maybe there was a strike leading up to this) includes sexual orientation in its non-discrimination clause. That's a pretty big deal. The 2006 agreement included no such protections.

From the contract:

No Discrimination: There will be no discrimination in any form against any player by the Management Council, any Club or by the NFLPA [NFL Players Association] because of race, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, or activity or lack of activity on behalf of the NFLPA.

So, that's cool. And while "there are no openly gay professional sports players in football, basketball, baseball or hockey," this could help change that.

"I think that the conditions are being created — certainly now by this anti-discrimination language, but also what the players are saying — for a gay player to come out. More and more Americans are coming out in their lives and their industries, so it's going to hit sports. It has to," said Brian Ellner, a senior strategist with the Human Rights Campaign.

Random Twink

Posse In Effect

Because Joe Arpaio is a ginormous racist douchebag, he's decided to get to the bottom of this whole presidential birth certificate thing once and for all. Whut? Yeah, I know, everyone thought that was settled. Right?

Well, no. Of course not. There could be a video of Obama coming out of the birth canal and being wrapped in an American flag at the base of the Washington Monument and a certain group of people (assholes) still wouldn't believe he's an American. I mean, first off, he's not white, so how could he be? We all knew that Obama releasing his birth certificate (twice) wasn't going to shut them up. No amount of placation will quiet the racist clowns who hate having a black man as their president.

That's why Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has assembled his fabled Cold Case Posse to find out if Obama's birth certificate is fraudulent or not.

No word on how they're going to do that or who is even on the posse. I'm hoping they've hired renowned document expert and historian Benjamin Franklin Gates. That guy can get to the bottom of any conspiracy!

Arpaio assures us "This investigation does not involve politics." That's a relief! "When I get allegations brought to me by the citizens of Maricopa County, I look into the allegations, just like I am doing here." Oh, okay.

The complaint originated from Arizona's Surprise Tea Party, an obviously non-partisan group. Brian Reilly, a spokesman for the group, said he and the other teabaggers are looking forward to cooperating with the sheriff's investigation. Super!

The investigation is not being funded by taxpayers, but by the Cold Case Posse's 501(c)3, a charitable organization.

There's An App For That

Wanna Shrug (it's capitalized because it is important) and Twitter at the same time? There's an app for that! Looking to annoy your Facebook "friends" with Ayn Rand quotes while watching videos of her talks? There's an app for that! Need to play Wesley Mouch Said WHAT? with your kids on your next train trip? There's an app for that!

New American Library is proud (maybe?) to announce the Amplified Edition of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. It's like a book, but since it's for your iPad it has a bunch of other garbage thrown in for free! (Not really, since the Amplified Edition is two bucks more than the regular e-book. "There's no free in Objectivism!" - Tom Hanks.)

Amplification materials include:

• Full length audio lectures, including a Q&A on Objectivism, an outline of its basic principles, and commentary on the state of business and government
  
  
• Illustrated, revealing timeline of the author's life and major works, including personal documents, letters, and correspondence
  
  
• Photo gallery of early images of the author at work
  
  
• Endorsements and testimonials from celebrities and business leaders on the enduring power and influence of Atlas Shrugged

Neat! So get yours today. Because books are dead.

100% Pure Adrenaline!

Get your hoverboards out, kids, the future is now! And if your idea of the future is one where Hollywood is completely out of new ideas, then you're in luck!

Coming soon to an IMAX near you: Point Break! Hells to the yeah, Hollywood bigshots have greenlighted a remake of the Keanu Reeves/Patrick Swayze surfing and sky diving and bank robbing action epic!! Oh man, there are not enough exclamation points in the world to contain my excitement!!!

The new version will be set "in the world of international extreme sports" (obviously) and will be scripted by Kurt Wimmer who wrote Salt (barf) and Ultraviolet (double barf) and the upcoming Total Recall remake (wait, whut?)! So you just know this will be a heart-pounding, edge-of-your-seat, deadly game of cat-and-mouse! (And why are games of cat-and-mouse always "deadly"?! Time for some new adjectives, movie trailer guys!)

Hollywood bigshot Michael DeLuca had this to say: "Point Break wasn't just a film, it was a Zen meditation on testosterone fueled action and manhood in the late 20th century and we hope to create the same for the young 21st!" Can't argue with that! (You can't! I dare you to even try!)

No director has been attached (Hollywood lingo), but it will surely be someone "hot"! I am thinking Kathryn Bigelow, because she won a crater-full of awards with her heart-pounding, edge-of-your-seat, deadly game of cat-and-mouse movie The Hurt Locker! She should totally direct this!

Also! Casting choices! (If I were a Hollywood bigshot!) Bradley Cooper as Keanu Reeves' Johnny Utah! Mos Def as Patrick Swayze's Bodhi! Megan Fox as Lori Petty's Tyler! Jake Busey as Gary Busey's grizzled FBI guy! Kid Rock as Anthony Red-Hot-Chili-Pepper Kiedis' whatever-that-guy's-name-was! The Jonas Brothers as Bodhi's crew! Casting choices!

I can't wait til next summer or whenever this comes out!

The Republican Debate In 45 Seconds

Your Weekend Horoscope!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The third of September is a day you'll always remember. (Yes, you will.) That is the day your daddy will die. Sorry!

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Mostly sunny with a high of 83°F. Chance of precipitation: 10%.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Shark Night 3D will earn $46M this weekend.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Success is in your future! You will win an upcoming game of Monopoly, but only after everyone else quits due to disinterest.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Why is Ancient Aliens on the History Channel? Seriously, that is fucked up. What gives?

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your steak will be overcooked. All attempts to send it back will be rebuffed. Your Groupon is expired.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
That person claiming to be a wrong number? Yeah, that's really your ex who wants to get back together but is afraid to ask.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The salad fork is the little one on the end.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
That stain will probably not come out. Even if you use bleach.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Whatever you do, DON'T upload that video to Youtube.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be deeply ashamed when everyone finds out your favourite song is t.A.T.u.'s cover of "How Soon Is Now?"

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A tarnished reputation is harder to clean than a tarnished lamp. Always keep your wick clean and your oil clear.

Who Is John Galt?

Who is John Galt? These people!:



[Video description: A two minute montage of people saying "I am John Galt."]
A while back the Online Marketing Director for Atlas Shrugged: Part I: The Great Shruggening asked fans of his movie to tumblr themselves saying "I am John Galt." And they did. All 1440 of them. Oof!

And oh, happy day! They're all getting their faces in a bonus feature on the DVD! The above video is a sneak peek. Yes, it's terribly edited, and the sound is a muddled mess where you can barely hear anything because the music is drowning everything else out.

But, Objectivism, so it's cool: People grabbing their webcams and SD cards and Skypes and "Going Godard" by filming themselves. (Neo-realism in action, you Eberts!)

I've yet to see the movie, and I hope they'll send me a review copy of the DVD soon. (You hear me, Online Marketing Director for Atlas Shrugged: Part I DVDs? Send me a copy!) I don't know if this is something that happens in the film. But I do know it's something that happens in Spartacus when a Ragtag Band of Rebels pull together to help a comrade. Which, I think, is the exact opposite of the whole Objectivist philosophy.

In Atlas Shrugged I thought John Galt was the guy who took his ball and went home, figuratively speaking. He up and disappears, thereby denying an ingrateful world his special brand of genius. I guess then maybe all these people are going to "Go Galt" and leave? Is that what they're saying?

I mean, that sounds like an okay idea, honestly. Except for the kids. There are a lot of kids in the video. I don't think they should just run away. Most kids probably can't look after themselves. Except maybe this guy.

Twittering! With Liss and Deeky!

Yesterday, on Twitter:

Shakestweetz: In which Professional Homosexual Deeky W. Gashlycrumb suggests an alternative hobby for the homosex-obsessed: http://bit.ly/p2oEKL

DeekyMD: I love that I am a Professional Homosexual now.

Shakestweetz: I'm totes gonna get you business cards.

[Later that day...]

Shakestweetz: You're open for business. (Pun intended, obviously.) http://bit.ly/pFCwYJ

DeekyMD: You're such a doofus! LOLOLOL!!

Felonious Activities

Bryan Fischer, reigning d-bag at the AFA, wants to criminalize sodomy. As far as Fischer is concerned, touching your no-no is a big no-no.

On his radio show yesterday (where is this airing?) Fischer said: "Until the late 20th Century, homosexual activity was a felony offense in the United States of America, there is no reason why it cannot be a criminal offense once again." Hear that, homos? If Fischer had his way, your next Scattergories party would be against the law! (That's an activity homosexuals enjoy, isn't it?)

Oh, wait, I think he means sodomy.

And it's probably just the gay sodomy Fischer is worried about. It's unclear what Fischer thinks of non-gay sodomy between married, heterosexual couples. My guess is he gives it a big sad face. I bet Fischer gives everything the big sad face. Hey, does anyone know what the bible's official position is on backdoor action? If you've some insight, please let me know in comments. Or not. Honestly, I don't care. (Biblical scholars and pedants take note: I don't actually care.)

I'm not sure why Fischer and his ilk are sooooo obssessed with the gay sex. Especially considering how much they hate it. I mean, I talk about the gay sex all day long (follow my twitters for reference), and I actually enjoy it, but I know I talk about it a lot less than Fischer and the AFA does.

Jeez Louise, find a hobby, you guys! May I suggest Scattergories?

If It's Friday, It's Boba Fett!

A fun Friday afternoon waster of time here is. (Yoda.) The name of each person (or not, if they happen to be non-humanoid) below begins with a letter of the alphabet (Modern Latin). A, B, C and so forth all the way down through Z. (Or "zed" if you're British.) Can you name them all? You can! You're a nerd.



(Click to engage tractor beam.)
Damn. I choked. Fucking prequels. (And ewoks.) Who has seen the ewok movies? Anyone? I sure haven't. But it is my newest goal. See those ewok movies, Deeky! (Netflix?) Good luck, I hope everyone did better than me.

The answers are here.

You Sank My Ouija Board!

Good news, film fanatics!

Hollywood has come to its senses and cancelled the Ouija board movie they had in devlopement. (See here.) Maybe because the movie had been already made twenty-five years ago starring Tawny Kitaen and was called Witchboard. (See here.) And you just know how Hollywood hates to recycle an idea. (See here.) So, buh bye, Ouija Board: Curse of the Plinth, don't let the popcorn hit you in the ass on the way out.

In less good news, Battleship is in post-production, meaning it's all done being filmed and now they just need to Photoshop in some Burger King tie-ins. (See here.) Just in case you're worried this movie might not suck, note two things: It's being directed by Peter Berg (see here) and the lead character is named Stone Hopper (see here). So, yeah, obviously the Academy™ has already given it all of the awards for next year, even some Grammies.

Speaking of Grammies, this is a thing:


It's an album of blues songs. Because when I think of the blues I always think of rich, white, English TV stars. Don't you? Very bluesy, no doubt. Like Eric Clapton. (See here.)

In other entertainment news Guillermo del Toro, whose work people seem to enjoy (see here), has a new movie out today, so I guess you can go see that this weekend. (See here). I think it's a sequel to Gremlins. (See here.) Should be fun. If you like Gremlin movies.

Glenn Beck Continues Speeding Toward Irrelevance

I was sitting here trying to think up something clever to say about Glenn Beck's latest flop. But I got nothing. Earlier this week Beck held a pro-Israel rally in Jerusalem called Restoring Courage. Only about 1000 people showed up: a small turn-out for the man who once brought in three million viewers a night on Fox News.

It's a sad state of affairs when you can't even draw people to a pro-Israel rally in Israel. That's like everyone at Disneyland ignoring the Main Street Electrical Parade. Oof!

Oh, hey, was that clever? Marginally, I'd say. My work here is done.

Today in Whoops!

Pope Benedict tried to deliver an anti-gay speech this weekend at a World Youth Day appearance in Spain but had to stop when God told him to shut the fuck up.

Oh, you know how God is these days. He's forgone the burning bush of old and now speaks through weather, stains, and other phenomena. (He even emotes through earthquakes according to one rabbi.)

So, anyway, Benedict started giving his speech, when suddenly: "powerful winds and sheets of rain struck, whipping off his skullcap, shaking the stage and knocking over at least one tent." Uh oh and whoops!

The pope fled God's wrath, leaving the stage. The remainder of the speech remained undelivered, but the Vatican assures us it is still valid, whatever that means. No word on whatever became of the pope's skullcap. I'm hoping a goupie got it, like some of Elvis' lint in the '68 Comeback Special.

When reached for comment, God responded with this.

Tom Waits' Private Listening Party

Tom Waits' new album Bad as Me will be released October 25 on Anti- Records

Bootstrap Island

The guy who invented Paypal has a dream. That dream: build an island in international waters and make it a Libertarian Paradise. Super! I say go for it.

Peter Thiel, the Paypal guy, believes that freedom and democracy are no longer compatible (really, he said that once), so the next step is to create a whole new country. In the sea. A country with "no welfare, looser building codes, no minimum wage, and few restrictions on weapons."

Yeah, okay. A floating city. In the middle of the ocean. Made under the aegis of "looser building codes." Excellent idea. Nothing can go wrong there, can it?

I'm not sure exactly how any of this is supposed to work. A country made up of greedy people with guns and ... ? Oof. Really, whut? Let's think it through, maybe we'll figure it out together: you build an island, okay, so far so good. Libertarians move there. Perfect! Then what? Commerce? (Free trade, no doy.) I guess they could exploit their natural resources (saltwater, seagull farts). Business!

Well, whatever, I am sure they've a solid plan! Go, libertarians! No, really, go. Please, move to your private island. Part Waterworld, part Bioshock, part Thunderdome. Sign me up: I love leather chaps!

Thiel's long-term plan (really) is to get to a space station of some sort. Off world! (Beware the replicants, buddy!) Hey, like Sun Ra said "Space is the place to achieve determinance of the ideal Randian state of objectivist moral worth." He said that, right? It was a b-side.

Anyway, this is gonna happen. Libertarians get shit done (famous bumper sticker) and this is no exception.

Blade Runner 2: Blade Harder

Dateline, Hollywood: Ridley Scott to direct new version of the sci-fi classic Blade Runner!

Last week Ridley Scott helmed (Hollywood talk) a prequel to Alien called Prometheus which may or may nor include a Frankenstein. Anyway, that will soon be in a theater and on a Blu-Ray™ and at a Redbox (standard admonishment here) near you. Double anyway, this has inspired him to return to the very profitable (it wasn't) Blade Runner franchise with a whole new movie-going experience. Perhaps in 3D.

It is unclear whether Scott will make a sequel or a prequel or maybe even a re-imagining. I love when something is imagined once and then re-imagined again. Good stuff. Very imaginative. Also unclear is if Harrison Ford will return (he won't) or whether they'll cast the Jonas Brothers in his place. The Jonas Brothers are big with the tweens and the SyFy (sci-fi) fans, so yay for synergy.

But, boo for murderous Replicants. Why so murderous, guys? (And girls! Replicants can be women, too!) Maybe you just need more positivity in your short, enslaved little lives. Here's an idea: start calling yourselves RepliCANs. "That's the spirit!" (Famous movie quote.)

Well, I am pretty sure Bradley Cooper will be in this, probably as Batty. And Reese Witherspoon will be Rachel. I also vote for Sean Young (now that she has been eliminated from Ice Skating with Some Stars) in a cameo as the old racist police captain. I'll leave other casting choices to you. Comments are go!

So, dystopiaphiles, what do you think? Good idea or bad? And who should do the theme song? If Brion James were still alive I'd just ask him. But he's not. So I am asking you. Discuss!

Also, Alien prequel? Oof!

Enchanted Village

The remnants of a mini theme park now stand (sort of) rotting and derelict in the woods behind a strip mall appropriately named The Enchanted Village Shopping Center.

Love Is Like Oxygen

Sweet: "Love Is Like Oxygen"

I Would Like To Own This Album

I'm Old Fashioned by WIlford Brimley

Six Facts You May Not Know About Truman Capote

Rhett Miller's 1989 debut album Mythologies contains the track "Song for Truman Capote."

In Charles Bukowski's poem "Nothing but a Scarf" Capote is referred to as an "ice-skater-of-a-writer."

George Lucas used Capote's voice as the inspiration for the voice of Ziro the Hutt, in Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

In 1982 Gary Numan released a single titled "Music For Chameleons," borrowing the name from Capote's book

The Bent Scepters included the song "Kissing Truman Capote's Picture" on their 1996 album.

On an episode of Barefoot Contessa, host Ina Garten throws a party in honor of Capote's Black & White Ball featuring food prepared as it was at the 1966 event.

Important Update on the Status of Sandra Bullock's Groove

She got it back.

Whew!

Seen

And, no, I don't know what it means.

Meet Allan!

He's Ken's buddy



All of Ken's clothes fit him! Which is always nice.

[Via.]

RIP Jani Lane

I've liked Jani Lane ever since I saw this interview with him a few years ago. RIP Jani.

The Awesomest Picture From Otakon

Left to right: Vashti Green as the Mad Hatter, Randy Westry as March Hare, and Monique Gilliam as Alice from Alice in Wonderland.

[Via The Baltimore Sun.]

Jeff Stryker: Bigger Than Life

Jeff Stryker: "Bigger Than Life"

Milly Del Rubio RIP

The Del Rubio Triplets: "Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead (Medley)"
Milly Del Rubio, the last surviving Del Rubio Triplet (and great niece of First Lady Edith Bolling Wilson!), passed away last week from respiratory failure. RIP Milly.

Amy Winhouse RIP

Amy Winehouse: "Tears Dry On Their Own"
During her career Amy Winhouse won five Grammys, a Brit Award, two NME awards, three Ivor Novello Awards, among others. Her 2006 album Back to Black sold over 10 million copies. Winehouse was found dead at her home today. She was 27.

Bacon Is Freedom

Libertarians love bacon. (Remember this?)

I'm not sure why, but maybe because bacon is not really good for you. They like stuff that's not really good for anyone, right? Hey, don't get me wrong. I like bacon, too. But I'm not going to eat a pound of it just to prove some ridiculous point about how free I am.

Which is exactly the type of thing that happens at PorcFest (short for Porcupine Freedom Festival), a gathering of like-minded individuals who don't think the government should do anything. Like inspecting meat.

In this Utopian dream of free-markets, a person can sell someone uninspected bacon, fried up by the pound, and if it turns out the meat is a little wonky, the community will "regulate him."

"If he poisons me, I won't buy his food. And he'll be done."

Which I guess, is all well and good. You know, if you don't mind taking a risk being poisoned by your breakfast meats. Though, in the real world, if someone like J.R. Simplot poisons someone, even a thousand someones, no amount of community outcry is really going to affect them.

Which is, of course, why we need regulation, why we need the goverment (yes, I am assuming here, for the sake of argument, that they would and could actually regulate, inspect, enforce; I understand the realties) to inspect meat, to enforce environmetal standards, protect its citizens from the free-market that places profit above safety.

But in the world of the Libertarian, it's up to everyone to protect themselves. And maybe that works in a secluded campground where a couple hundred people swap silver for bacon one weekend a year, but in the real world, the place I live, not so much.

My Planned Parenthood

Posted as Part of the My Planned Parenthood Blog Carnival

I went to Planned Parenthood today. I went alone.

I am a man. I am gay. I am sexually active. I went to Planned Parenthood for an HIV test.

There is a myth, one promoted by the anti-choicers that Planned Parenthood is some kind of abortion factory, killing babies with tax-payer funds, but, apart from the facts that abortions don't kill babies and the Hyde Amendment already prevents the use of tax-payer funds for abortions, Planned Parenthood offers so much more than abortion services. And Planned Parenthood doesn't only serve women. Services are available to men, too.

I was able to walk in, ask for a HIV test, and within minutes the staff was drawing my blood. Fifteen minutes later, I had the results.

The horrendous cuts to their funding, the anti-choicers' (very successful) attempts to shut down Planned Parenthood affects more than just women. It does more than just stop Planned Parenthood from performing abortions. It also affects gay men like me who need access to STI screening. It affects entire communities.

Tom Cruise Is A Tiger, Obviously

Tom Cruise at his 49th birthday party in Miami this weekend.

One Time One Night

Los Lobos: "One Time One Night"

Quote of the Day

"I thought he was a dick yesterday." — Mark Halperin, politcal analyst at MSNBC and contributor to Time, speaking about President Obama yesterday during an appearance on Morning Joe. Halperin has since been placed on indefinite leave by MSNBC.

Llama

Patrick & Eugene: "Llama"

I Don’t Believe You Answered It

Transcript here.

28 Weeks Later

Is this film as good as its predecessor? That is the inevitable question, fair or not, that always gets asked about a sequel. With 28 Weeks Later the answer is squarely no. This isn't a bad film, but it's just not as good as the first.

In 28 Days Later screenwriter Alex Garland created a handful of characters with real depth and emotion, characters that have clearly been changed by the events around them. They have adapted, survived, each in their own way.

In the sequel, four screenwriters have managed to do none of that. The characters here are completely one-dimensional, there is no development. They are introduced, given a bit of background, and then we learn nothing else about them. When they die, it's hard to care.

And die they do. One by one the cast is knocked off, though, most in ways that might come as a surprise. Twenty-eight weeks after the outbreak of the rage virus, the initial group of infected have been wiped out, and London has been secured. The U.S. military has moved in and set up a safe district, called the Green Zone, and now protects some 15,000 survivors.

When the virus is reintroduced, the U.S. Army does its best to contain the infection. When that fails, they go to Plan B: Wiping everyone out and laying waste to the Green Zone. Survivors must now contend with the infected and the military. The Army of course has snipers, napalm, flamethrowers, and nerve gas.

The story follows an Army doctor and an AWOL sniper as they try to smuggle out a kid who may just hold the key to immunity. If the infected don't get them, the Army probably will.

In spite of all its flaws, 28 Weeks Later is a passable thriller in its own right. Will it be remembered as the classic its predecessor was? That's doubtful. But it's definitely miles above any of the other horror sequels clogging your Netflix queue.

Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo • R • 2007 • 99 minutes

RIP Peter Falk

He was an angel before he was an actor. True fact.

Geburt Einer Nation

Laibach: "Geburt Einer Nation"

I Case You Forgot, Rick Santorum Still Hates Women

In a recent appearamce at Informed Choices, a "crisis pregnancy center" in West Des Moines, professional misogynist, fetus cultist and 2012 Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum called health exceptions to abortion bans "phony."

When I was leading the charge on partial birth abortion, several members came forward and said, "Why don't we just ban all abortions?" Tom Daschle was one of them, if you remember. And Susan Collins, and others. They wanted a health exception, which of course is a phony exception which would make the ban ineffective.

So, you got that, ladies? Your health and well-being? Just a bunch of malarkey. Hokum to be used to kill babies or whatever.

As Think Progess notes, Santorum has previously "decried 'the selfishness, the individual self-centeredness' of legislators who were concerned about the health of pregnant women." Santorum, seemingly, has not wavered on his belief that you are less important than a fetus.

Atlas Shrugged Part 2!

It's live, folks! I'm talking about the Atlas Shrugged Part II website. Okay, so there's not much there yet except for a too-pixilated slideshow (stills from the first film?) and the text "in theaters fall 2012."

But hey, it shows a real commitment by the producers to plunk down $4.99 at godaddy and get the ball rolling. Or the train rolling. Or something. Not sure what the best Randian metaphor is. Wevs.

No word on a DVD release yet. As soon as I know, you'll know. Because I know you want to know as much as I know. You know? I'll be at Redbox the moment it arrives. And no, I will not park in the fire zone. You shouldn't either!

I suspect the producers are waiting on the theatrical run to wind down. It's still playing in seventeen theaters. Seventeen! Huh? Okay.

Oddly, it is running in Austin, which I had thought, you know, according to legend, was some weird lefty outpost in the red and dusty state of Texas. Maybe not. It's also in "Cape Girandeau" (sic), Missouri, birthplace of Rush Limbaugh. Go, Missouri!

Also, the Ayn Rand vs. Jesus debate is heating up. Check your local listings. I hope George Stephanopoulos hosts. "Why don't you wear a flag pin?" I'd wear a flag pin if it were made of Reardon Metal™. (Take that, Lacoste shirt!)

p.s. Link.

Glenn Beck TV!

Recovering quickly from being fired by those liberals over at Fox News, our good friend Glenn Beck is already on his way back to the top. Did he get his own network? Even better: He's getting his own Youtube channel. Which makes him as awesome as every fourteen-year-old out there. So... You go, Glenn!

This Fall (just in time for sweeps week!) Glenn Beck is launching GBTV, an internet-only subscription-based service.

For $4.95 a month fans and detractors alike (so long as they have a credit card! Paypal coming soon!) can watch Beck's new two-hour show. For another five bucks you also get access to a simulcast of his three hour radio show and a show about the Glenn Beck TV network.

And if you have five-plus hours a day and ten bucks a month to dedicate to watching Glenn Beck, more power to you!

I guess it remains to be seen if people are now willing to pay money to get what they used to get for free. But Beck is promising lots of good things:

Eventually, Mr. Beck said, his goal is to have an array of scripted and unscripted shows alongside his own daily show, which will simply be titled Glenn Beck and will run for two hours on weekday afternoons.

"If you're a fan of Jon Stewart, you're going to find something on GBTV that you're going to enjoy," Mr. Beck said. "If you're a fan of 24, you're going to find something on GBTV that you're going to enjoy."

Yay! I guess. I dunno.

If people are willing to pay for this crap, good on them. I think. Who is willing to pay for this crap? Someone, I am sure.

Maybe the same folks who'd buy the young adult novel Michael Vey: The Prisoner of Cell 25 from Beck's new imprint at Simon and Schuster. Also coming this fall, a new novel "by" Beck titled The Snow Angel. Just in time for Christmas. (And no, before you ask, I will not fucking read that thing.)

Welcome to the Uncanny Valley

Gerber's profoundly disturbing commercial featuring a child doing things with her hands that are just not right. It gives me the heebie jeebies (medical term) every time I see it.

Potter!

Potter chews on his papa's favourite tie. The scamp!

Is This Real?

As a friend put it "So the Christian Right made a Judd Apatow movie..."

I Felt The Same Way Too

The Last Man on Earth watches the Daddy Day Camp Trailer

I Am Pretty Sure I Owned Every One of These As A Kid

Click image to enlarge.

(Via.)

Krull

The Beast and his army of Slayers have traveled across space and invaded planet Krull. What's odd about this is their mode of transport. The Beast flies a giant mountain through the galaxy. Yes, a mountain. Oh sure, it's got wings, and some sort of propulsion system, but it's still just a big pile of rocks. It can't be aerodynamic.

They've come to bust up the wedding of Princess Lyssa to Prince Colwyn. The Beast wants Lyssa for himself. So he sends the Slayers in on horseback right during the middle of the nuptials to start shooting the place up with their laser swords. And yes, I did say they were on horseback. Space travel they've figured out, but ground transportation is still outside their grasp. And yes, I did say they were using laser swords. No, they're not light sabers, but swords that shoot lasers. I guess if the lasers don't work, you can just chop off your enemy's head.

Colwyn is the lone survivor, and he is nursed back to health (i.e. given a Band-Aid) by an old hermit named Ynyr. Ynyr tells Colwyn the only way he can defeat the Beast and rescue his bride is by finding the Glaive, an ancient and mystical weapon. The Glaive, as it turns out, is little more than an overgrown ninja throwing star. But Colwyn's journey up the mountain allows composer James Horner the opportunity to pretend he's scoring an exciting film. We, the audience, are treated to an extended sequence of Colwyn climbing a few rocks that really isn't as interesting, majestic, or thrilling as the music would have us believe.

Truthfully, nothing in this film is as interesting, majestic, or thrilling as the music would have us believe.

After retrieving the Glaive, Colwyn assembles a small army of brigands and malcontents to help him save the princess. His group consists of a bumbling magician, a Cyclops, a seer, a Paul Rutherford look-alike, a boy in a Peter Pan costume, and about a dozen or so interchangeable rogues.

The troupe embarks on a series of quests in hopes of finding a way to the Beast's hidden lair. Yeah, it's a mountain, and probably hard to hide, but it moves to a new location every morning, so Colwyn and company are having a bit of trouble finding it. So they travel through swamps and deserts, across the countryside, while dodging the Slayers and their laser swords.

Sometimes our heroes have horses, sometimes they don't. That's a bit odd since we're never shown how they acquired said horses, or how they subsequently lost them. Sometimes our heroes have womenfolk around, sometimes they don't. That too is a bit odd since we're never shown how they acquired said womenfolk, or how they subsequently lost them. There is during all this plenty of interesting, majestic, and thrilling music to be heard, distracting and inappropriate as it is.

After much wandering and whatnot, our small army finally makes it to the Beast's mobile mountain fortress. The fortress is hidden in the Desert of Iron, a place that is, surprisingly, a big flowery meadow. They attack, all six of them now (and yes that includes the boy in the Peter Pan costume too), and despite being vastly outnumbered they successfully rescue Lyssa. It makes one wonder how the Slayers came to conquer planet after planet.

There is, of course, a final battle between Colwyn and the Beast, wherein Colwyn strikes his foe down with the Glaive. But if that ain't enough, Colwyn's palm doubles as a flamethrower, spewing out the fire that is his and Lyssa's matrimonial love. Seriously.

What's really disappointing is the Beast himself. He's shot through a blurry, distorted filter, so as we never get a good look at him. I assume this means the puppet looked too damn fake and the producers were trying to hide that by going all "arty" during the finale. Nonetheless, Colwyn roasts his rubbery ass, the fortress collapses (up, into space, I guess), and everyone lives happily ever after.

Except those who died along the way.

Krull is an over-long, dull sci-fi adventure film. Not recommended.

Directed by Peter Yates • PG • 1983 • 117 minutes

Star Wars-Related Post of the Day Part II

Jawas vs. Nazis.

Because those Nazi fucks had it coming.

Star Wars-Related Post of the Day Part I

Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes: "Mad About Me" **

** AKA: John Williams: "Cantina Band"

Caligula

This is a jumbled, disjointed mess of a movie. It's a random collection of scenes interrupted by random sections of pornography. How Peter O’Toole and John Gielgud ended up in this I don’t know. At least Helen Mirren and Malcolm McDowell can blame it on youthful naïveté, but the elder thespians should have known better.

When Bob Guccione calls you up, says he's making a movie and asks you to be in it, your instincts better be warning you. And if they're not, then your manager or agent should be.

Here is the story: Caligula becomes emperor, humps his sister, and then is murdered by his own soldiers. In between all this there is rape, sodomy, fisting, torture, murder, necrophilia, and tons of shitty dialogue. The sex is graphic, the sets elaborate, but the film is, ultimately, rather dull and completely incoherent.

It's one thing to be in a crappy porno flick, it's another thing altogether to be in a crappy porno flick with pretensions it's a grand piece of art.

The orgies, the fisting, the intrigue, it becomes all rather pointless without any proper context in which to frame it. Unfortunately the film is slapped together in such a way that it is difficult to know what is going on or why, though I suspect that all may be beside the point.

As a historical drama Caligula is a failure. One cannot watch this and expect to learn anything, let alone be entertained. As porn it fares even worse, lacking eroticism, instead wallowing in its depravity. What titillation there may have been suffers from being surrounded by all the violence and degeneracy.

Avoid this one like a go-go boy with crabs.

Directed by Tinto Brass, Bob Guccione • Unrated • 1979 • 156 minutes

I'm Not Entirely Sure...

...what this is advertising:



It seems to be an ad for a spa at a fancy hotel.

On the other hand, it looks like something else entirely.

It's A Fact!

Top five best TV theme songs:

1. "Hardcastle and McCormick"

2. "Three's Company"

3. "Sandford and Son"

4. "What's Happening!!"

5. "The Rockford Files"

No!

That is not Darth Vader!

Apocalypse

The Apocalypse films are a four-part series produced by Jack Van Impe ministries chronicling world events after the Rapture. That's when all good Christians get sucked up into heaven by God, and all the heathens are left on earth to suffer under the rule of the Antichrist.

Not that I want to spoil any surprises for you.

This first film focuses on the events during that first week, as seen through the eyes of two reporters. They witness the battle of Armageddon, the Rapture, and the coming of the false messiah. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Thousands of years ago Hebrew prophets were given a vision of the Apocalypse. The following story is based on what they saw.

How's that for a title card? The movie fades in on an elderly woman and her adult granddaughter (Leigh Lewis) huddled in front of the TV. There is trouble in the Middle East, which shouldn't surprise anyone. But it seems the armies of 60 nations are converging on Armageddon valley in Israel, and Grandmum is convinced this is sure to bring about the Apocalypse.

But before she can really proselytize, they are interrupted by the doorbell. Bronson Pearl (Richard Nester) is at the door. He's come to kiss his sweetheart goodbye. Lewis' character, Helen, and Bronson are both newscasters working for WNN, a global news channel. Bronson is being sent to Israel to cover the war, and wanted to get in one last hug before he goes.

I just want to note we're only a minute and a half into this film so far. But don't worry, all the background you need has already been laid out, and nothing else is going to unnecessarily complicate matters from this point on. Why are there 60 different nations battling at Armageddon? No idea. Which countries are they? No idea. How'd all those armies squeeze into Israel? No idea. What about our lead characters? How long have they been dating? Is it serious? Are they engaged? Were either previously married? Any kids? No idea.

Day One

Yes, the days are ticked off by giant title cards, just so we have an idea how quickly Satan and his minions work. Frankly, I am surprised, I always imagined hell to be a giant, lumbering bureaucracy, like the DMV, but the Antichrist proves to be very efficient.

Bronson Pearl is in Israel, reporting live on the battle of Armageddon, which is apparently being fought by opposing battalions of stock footage. He's also trying to convince the Israeli army to, what, surrender? No idea. But the Israeli general in charge reminds Bronson that all they have is their land, and they must fight, or face annihilation. Things are getting grim.

But don't worry, Franco Macalusso (Sam Bornstein), the EU president, is working hard to end the crisis. Just between you and I the European Union doesn't actually have a president, but I guess they've taken a little license here. Or maybe this is set in the future. Why does he have an American accent? No idea. But he has promised to do what God hasn't, stop the war and bring peace to Earth.

Day Two

The stock footage conflict continues. Tel Aviv has been gassed. By who? No idea. But that ain't the half of it. An American aircraft carrier is nuked by the Chinese. Why? No idea. America (we assume) retaliates by blowing up the Chinese Ministry of Defense in Beijing. Yep, this is definitely getting out of hand. You probably know where this is headed, don't you? If you said nuclear war, you're right. Someone (Who? No idea) has launched missiles at Israel. When the general hears of this, he looks to Bronson, shouts "Samson's feast!" (see the Book of Judges for further info) and storms off.

Someone nukes Kamchatka. Who? No idea, maybe the Israelis, but footage of an atomic test from the 50s is carted out, scratches and all, so we can see it. The sad thing is, this is about the only effective part of the film. The fake newscasts inter-cut with reel after reel of stock war footage (even if some of it is fifty years old) actually manages to create some tension. But that quickly fades, as the movie veers straight into ridiculousness shortly thereafter.

The U.S. President, who is never named or even seen, only appearing as a voiceover, announces that several hundred nuclear missiles have been launched at the U.S. by "enemies of peace." Left with no choice the President launches a counterstrike, though he never says at who. Then things get silly.

The film cuts to the L.A. correspondent. And rather than describe what happens next, I'll just let him explain it. "It is unlikely that any kind of defense could be designed to protect us against such terrible weapons of mass destruction. I think probably the best thing we could have done would be perhaps to go home, say goodbye and perhaps... Oh my god, Charlie! Charlie! This is impossible, this is just impossible! I just can't believe it, I don't know what to say! My cameraman, Charles Taffis, he's just disappeared right in front of me! I don't understand it, people all around me seem to have been vaporized or something."

And yes, that's how it happens. That is how the Rapture is upon us. People all over the world suddenly disappear and leave behind nothing but a nicely folded bundle of clothes. Well, their shoes and shirts and pants, at least. I guess they took their undies with them.

You know those bumper stickers that say "In case of Rapture, this car will be unmanned"? It turns out those are accurate. More stock footage attacks as chaos reigns over the planet. Cars spin out of control, planes crash, and the world's armies are thoroughly confused. Most are convinced it's a new type of weapon. You know, one that vaporizes folks while neatly folding their garments. The good news is all those nukes have vanished too.

The citizens of Earth may be confused, but Macalusso isn't. See, he claims to be the messiah, and it was by his intervention alone that the world has been saved. He's removed the hateful among us and destroyed the missiles. That's his story anyway. But lest you're unsure he might be evil, some very spooky Omen-esque music plays while he talks.

Day Three

Helen rushes home to check on Grandmum. It's no surprise that Grandmum is gone. But she managed to leave a note and a key with her neatly folded bundle. "It's not too late for you," she consoles. Helen uses the key to open a lockbox Grandmum has left for her. And inside? Two videotapes of Jack Van Impe. (Am I the only one who finds his name a bit distressing?) Van Impe explains about the Rapture, and exposes the truth about the false messiah. Stunned, Helen watches the tapes, studies the bible and discovers all the signs are there. The only thing Helen can do now is turn her life over to the Lord.

Day Four

Helen returns to the studio to find management has been replaced by Len Parker (David Roddis), one of the Antichrist's minions. (This must be based on Fox News.) He's bitchy, limp-wristed and probably homosexual. He and Helen are immediately at odds. Why? No real reason, other than he's evil and she's good and so it's in the script that way.

Now Bronson has returned to the studio too, just in time to watch Macalusso's big speech. People the world over are gathering for this event, it's the largest TV broadcast ever. Russia, France, Czechoslovakia, they all tune in. Wait, Czechoslovakia? So much for my theory that this is set in the future. Again, Macalusso proclaims himself messiah and declares this heaven on Earth. He details how Jesus was a liar and a deceiver and how only the true messiah could have saved the world.

Helen sees through this and lures Bronson away from the studio. This doesn't go unnoticed, and Parker has his two evil henchmen follow them. Helen and Bronson head to her home where she plays him Van Impe videos and tries to convince him that Macalusso is the Antichrist. They spend eight minutes debating this. A very long eight minutes.

Of course, this has all been caught on camera by the evil henchmen. They've managed to slip a pinhole camera under the door. And despite the door being down the hall and around the corner, they've still got a decent picture.

Bronson is unconvinced by Helen's pleas, and he storms out, certain she's nuts.

Day Five

The filmmakers have now ditched the stock footage and resorted to using someone's home movies. We are treated to shots of decimated churches and Polish graffiti played over bad Christian pop music. Macalusso is not the Antichrist, the director is.

Parker confronts Bronson with the tape of his debate with Helen. He demands to know where she is, but Bronson refuses to give her up. Since the evil henchman followed her home and recorded the tape in her living room, I'm not sure why they can't find her now. Not trusting Bronson, Parker has a 12 second delay added to all broadcasts, just in case.

Macalusso meanwhile not only brokers a peace deal between stock footage Arabs and stock footage Jews, but also gets the leaders of the world to enact a new planetary constitution, making him president of the world. Not bad for Day Five. I told you he was efficient.

Again trying to convince Bronson of the truth about the Rapture and Macalusso, Helen slips out of the hotel she's hiding in to get a message to him. The evil henchmen are on her tail. I guess they know where she is after all. She manages to get a bible and an audiotape into Bronson's car before noticing she is being followed. She does her best to get away, and a high-speed chase ensues. Okay, it's not a high-speed chase, it's Helen driving around aimlessly while listening to Charlie Daniels. Really. Until she turns down a dead-end street and is captured.

After work, Bronson plays the tape and in a moment of divine inspiration heads to the cemetery where he has a tearful chat with his father's headstone. He weeps desperately for a sign and gets one. The moonlight shines down and lights up the bible verse chiseled into the headstone: 1 Thessalonians 4:16–17.

("For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven, with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first, then we which are alive, and remain, shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air, and so shall we ever be with the Lord.")

So what's that mean? It means we're digging up Dad! Yep, Bronson shovels his way six feet under and kicks open the coffin. Good thing his father was devout or we might be looking at a corpse right about now. Fortunately all that is inside is a neatly folded suit. I wonder if those things get ironed too.

Day Six

Helen is dragged back to the studio by one of the evil henchmen. Why? No idea, but it gives her a chance to confront Parker. He tells her the truth about Macalusso: "You worship him or you die." For some reason, the evil henchman video tapes this as well. I bet that guy peeps on his neighbours too.

Another speech is given by Macalusso. He compares the remaining Christians to a cancer that needs to be cut out. So, all around the world stock footage Christians are rounded up and beaten by police. Churches and bibles are burned, there is chaos in the streets again. Everyone hates Jesus. Sad face.

And there it is, the core of our movie. Forget all the evangelical stuff, the dicey translation of the Rapture. But as allegory it all comes down to this. Christians are losing their country, their world, to the secular, liberal hedonists. Homosexuals and Muslims are defiling the word of God and making this a hell on Earth. Is it really any wonder why the concept of the Rapture is so appealing? Nothing would be better than to leave this dirty, old world behind and be summoned up to the kingdom of heaven, a place filled only with like-minded folks.

Ah, but back to the movie. Bronson reports from the field about the new wave of violence against Christians. But his conscience has got the best of him, and before he signs off, he spills the beans about Macalusso being a false messiah. Too bad about that 12 second delay.

Day Seven

The world celebrates as the last remaining Christians are loaded onto trucks, presumably to be sent somewhere. At the depot, Helen and Bronson are reunited briefly before Bronson takes a beating from one of the guards. "Bronson Pearl, the most trusted man in America, I hereby dub you King of the Haters," the guard says before zapping him on the head with a stun gun. I wonder what that's an allusion to. Bronson is put in a truck where he and Helen discuss how wonderful it is to be saved. But the conversation is cut short, as Parker has plans for Bronson.

Bronson is to be taken to the gallows and hanged on live TV. Why? No idea. Parker is just plain evil, I guess. After Bronson's head is in the noose Parker asks "Any last words?" I guess he shouldn't have said that, because suddenly Bronson's voice is filling the airwaves. "What is this!?" screams Parker.

Remember those two evil henchmen? The ones following Helen around? Turns out one of them isn't so evil after all. He has locked himself in the control booth and is playing Bronson's unaired declaration. The world is finally being told the truth about Macalusso. Next he cues up Parker's you-worship him-or-you-die tape. And the topper? Oh yes, you guessed it: Jack Van Impe.

The Christians rejoice, souls are saved, and the film fades to black.

•
You know how Ed Wood was supposed to make a series of religious films with the profits from Plan 9? It's not too much of a stretch to say this is what the result would have looked like. The heavy reliance on stock footage, the way the film inexplicably moves from day to night, the cheap sets, the cheaper special effects.

Though truthfully, this film contains my favourite type of special effect: the one you never actually see. A true mark of a low budgeted film, from the battles to the rapture to the disappearing missiles, none of it is actually shown on screen. Instead it is just described by our actors as they look wistfully at the action just out of view.

That's not to say it isn't downright silly. Oh no, it is. The absolute best moment of the film is the Rapture itself. The sheer ridiculousness of it was enough to put me in a fit of hysterics. I had to pause the DVD until I stopped laughing. Of course, I immediately watched the scene again. To describe it doesn't do it justice: The camera jerks, then "This is impossible, this is just impossible," followed by shots of folded clothes lying everywhere.

It never is explained why the clothes are neatly folded with every rapturization, maybe Jesus used to work at the Gap. But so much in the film goes unexplained. There's the generic Mid East conflict, nameless states nuking one another, the relationship between the leads. I guess we're supposed to be upset when Bronson walks out on Helen, but the characters are so one-dimensional, it's hard to care about any of them.

The cast is unremarkable, and the fact that virtually none of them have done any other work probably says a lot. Leigh Lewis appears in all four films in the series, but not much else. Richard Nester and Sam Bornstein presumably went back to their day jobs after this. (Macalusso is played by veteran character actor Nick Mancuso in the sequels.)

And Peter Gerretsen hasn't directed another film since this mess. Let's all thank the Lord for that.

Directed by Peter Gerretsen • PG • 1998 • 94 minutes

Headline of the Day

"Smithsonian Acquires Parliament-Funkadelic Mothership." Make my funk the p-funk.

New Blondie Video

Blondie: "Mother"

Aspen

Two vintage Aspen Soda commercials, circa 1980.



I really loved this stuff too.

Tintin Teaser Trailer

Tintin Movie Posters

Click to make them bigger.

Times Square

Nicky and Pamela are two very different people. Nicky is tough girl, a teenage runaway, used to living on the streets, used to taking care of herself. She's loud, brash, and more than a little unstable. Pamela is shy, demure, the pampered daughter of a rich politician.

One thing they do have in common: Both are locked up in the psych ward of a New York hospital.

The two quickly form a bond and it's not long before they break out of the hospital. The girls take up residence in an abandoned warehouse and start hustling on Times Square. But three card monte isn’t a reliable gig, so Pam gets a job dancing in a strip club. Did I mention she’s 14? Fortunately it’s not as seedy as it sounds, as Pam refuses to take off her clothes, yet still rakes in the tips.

Pamela's politico daddy is up in arms, convinced Nicky has kidnapped his daughter. But Pam and Nicky set the record straight, using local DJ Johnny LaGuardia as their go-between. LaGuardia narrates the unfolding drama for his listeners, turning the girls into minor celebrities.

It's not long before Pam and Nicky have formed a punk cabaret act called the Sleaze Sisters. Their trademark seems to be randomly throwing TV sets off Manhattan high rises. When not creating mayhem with appliances, the two show up at LaGuardia’s for impromptu jams featuring lyrics such as "Spic, nigger, faggot, bum/Your daughter is one."

It's a great little tune in a soundtrack filled with great tunes. You'd be hard pressed to find a finer soundtrack capturing the post punk scene of the late 70s. Included are songs by XTC, Joe Jackson, Gary Numan, The Pretenders, Roxy Music and venerable New Yorkers Patti Smith, Lou Reed, and Talking Heads. And of course there is a song by The Ramones.

The film climaxes with the Sisters performing a gig atop a marquee on Times Square. Hundreds of disaffected girls show up, but so do the cops. Will the police nab Nicky, or will she escape their clutches? Will Pam be reunited with her distraught father? Will the gig end with all those teenaged girls rioting?

Oh well, I don't need to tell you it all works out okay for everyone, even Andy Gibb. For some unfathomable reason he gets the final song on the soundtrack. Father and daughter hug as the music swells, and we’re left scratching our head wondering where the fuck that came from. I guess punk really is dead.

Directed by Allan Moyle • R • 1980 • 111 minutes