The Wart On Christmas

"Nothing like a good piece of hickory."

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Probably not so blessed: priests who put the smackdown on each other inside Bethlehem's Church of the Nativity.

(H/T to my Wondertwin Lena.)

Happy St. Stephen's Day!

Because the Hoff's middle name is Stephen. Coincidence? I think not!

(Warning: The Hoff may cause seizures:)

This Week In Tacky

Ted Nugent hits a (possibly NSFW) new low...

Ted Nugent's Love Grenade (2007)

This seems in bad taste even for Nugent. I was about to ask what it was about his love of preteen girls and subjugation of women that right-wingers like so much, but then I thought about it a moment.

You Dropped A Bomb On Me

When I first heard about Charlie Wilson's War, I wanted to see the film. Then I found out it wasn't about the Gap Band at all and quickly changed my mind. Turns out, it's about a different Charlie Wilson. Also turns out it's totally full of shit.

All of this can be better explained here, but allow me to sum up. Charlie Wilson and the CIA funneled 3.1 billion dollars to Afghani resistance fighters in the hopes of defeating the Soviets. The thing is, a good chunk of this money went to a fellow named Gulbaddin Hekmatyar, a rabid anti-American who, with the help of his pal Osama bin Laden, used the money to establish a string of terrorist training camps across Afghanistan and Pakistan. At these camps, a group of yahoos got it into their heads that flying planes into the World Trade Center would be a good idea.

Hey, if you don't believe me, just see what Wilson has to say on the subject:

…after 9/11, Wilson went on Fox News and said, "This was as much my fault as anybody's." He understood the link between U.S. support for [Gulbaddin] and the events of that terrible day.

But that's all been left out of the movie.

A rep at Tom Hanks' production company reportedly said "We just can't deal with this 9/11 thing. Does it have to be so political?" You're making a movie about historical events, about a war that killed over a million people and indirectly spawned two additional wars that have killed countless more. You're making a movie about politics, so yeah, it does "have to be so political."

The events you're portraying directly led to the events of 9/11. To ignore the facts is dishonest, and worse yet, makes light of the tragedy that was 9/11. So whey the hell did this thing even get made? Why tell a story if you're not going to tell the whole story, the real story? I don't see the point. And I don't see how Hanks does either.

Gorilla Marketing

I was in Ft. Smith recently and saw something really odd. No, I'm not talking about the gallows or the 30 foot tall Budweiser can. It was all these boxes scattered about street corners downtown.


They implored me to "Google Ron Paul" and join the "Ron Paul REVOLUTION." Get it? That's love spelled backwards. I'm not an expert on Paul's platform, but I never got the idea love was a big part of his big message. (Taking money from white supremacists sort of belies that.) Unless it's "I'd love to destroy everything you hold dear."

It actually made me think of some loony bin preacher like Tony Alamo. But, whatever.


It just seemed a seriously goofy way to get his message out. Part of me secretly hoped the boxes were filled with Ron Paul Dollars, but I never bothered to get out of the car to check. I didn't bother to Google Ron Paul either.

Is that what millions of dollars in fundraising buys? Or is this supposed to be a "grass roots" thing? Who knows?

Today in Media Suckitude

What the fuck? How is this news? Jesus... Nice headline, you turd.

God is Dead

Despite what Wolfrum wants you to think, God is already dead.

Music for Saturday Night

"Love is Dead" by Brett Anderson



My vote for single of the year, by the way.

Friday Cat Blogging

Hey, check it out. Korea's made glow-in-the-dark cats.

This kind of thing should probably scare the shit out of me, but it doesn't. I look forward to a time when I no longer trip over my cats on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Of course, I am sure there are other benefits. Glo-Kats® could make good holiday decorations, for example. (Take that, War on Christmas!) Or low cost nightlights. If you could get them to blink, and had four of them, you could market them as a Simon that never needs batteries.

I'm sure there are other things that could be done with glow-in-the-dark cats. Any ideas?

(Hat tip to my buddy Kobb, a mad scientist in his own right.)

The Sound of Music

You remember David Gest, don't you? He was a television producer and collector of Judy Garland memorabilia who rose to fame after scoring the biggest of all Garland collectables: one of her offspring. His gaudy and public marriage to Liza Minnelli was only outdone by his equally gaudy and public divorce from her.

Gest is a perfect candidate for I'm Mad at You Just Because I Know Who You Are if there ever was one. He is as undeserved of fame and our attention as anyone I can think of. And yet, he's been the subject of countless tabloid articles, guested on a slew of TV programs (the Brits seem to love him), and even had his own reality show.

And yet too, here I am posting about him. Maybe that's because he just won't go away.

The latest of Gest's assaults on the world and myself (yes, I am taking this as a personal affront) is a no doubt tasteful little show titled David Gest Is Nuts... My Life As A Musical.

It's a show that promises "special guests such as Coolio, Gloria Gaynor, Candi Stanton and The Weather Girls… encompassing the story of David's life with comedy and music which will be performed by the original artists." I can't wait.

On Pink Triangles and Other Symbols

Putting fake balls on your car means you're totally gay. At least according to one local resident here in town:

I followed a truck … the other day that had those very realistic testicles hanging from the trailer hitch in the back. And I just want to say that I'm really open-minded about gay rights, … but isn’t there a less tacky way you can announce your preference for male genitalia than that?

I am familiar with plenty of symbols of gay pride: The rainbow flag, the pink triangle, the lambda, even that little black and blue flag for queers who like to play spanky spanky. But fake plastic balls? This is a new one to me.

I also suspect it's a new one to all those über-macho, tough guy types who actually adorn their vehicles with them. At least that's who I assume buys these things. I've no real evidence of this, just call it a hunch; like gaydar, but different.

So, fellas, while you're running around town hauling sheetrock and listening to Linkin Park with your fake plastic balls dangling from your S-10, you kind of look like a homo.

Personally, I don't care who thinks I'm homo. The first thing I did when I bought my new car was slap an equality sticker on the bumper. What I won't do is attach a pair of phony testicles to it. I'm a fan of male genitalia, mind you, but I, like the caller, find the plastic version "tacky." That doesn't mean I want to make these things illegal, I am just trying to figure out how these get confused with a rainbow flag.

Maybe it's like mudflaps or a mural on the side of your van. I guess "Hey, he really likes naked women!" equates to "Wow, that guy loves him some balls!" Well, okay.

Suffer Little Children

From the I’m-Not-Making-This-Shit-Up Files comes this story.

The Catholic Church in NYC has begun distributing a coloring book called "Being Friends, Being Safe, Being Catholic" which warns kids of the dangers of pedophile priests.

I don’t know if this is a bad idea, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a good one.

One image in the book features a guardian angel hovering over an altar boy with a priest lurking in the background.

"For safety's sake, a child and an adult shouldn't be alone in a closed room together," the angel counsels. In another, the angel warns of a sexual predator attempting to chat with a child over the Internet.

It's interesting that the guardian angel is only there to offer advice. Why can't the angel do something more effective? You know, like making Father Wanky's hands fall off, or smiting him with a lightning bolt? I guess it's up to the kids to not get themselves molested. Angels have other things on their plates. So does the Church.

No word on what kind of coloring book has been distributed to the clergy. Maybe something about why it’s so very, very bad to touch altar boys. Of course, that should be obvious, as should be why it’s wrong for Archbishops to shelter child molesters, even those who are good at coloring inside the lines.

Promise Breaker

I wanted to share this amazing piece of short fiction with everyone. I can't really tell you what it's about without ruining it. You just have to read it and see for yourself.

When you're done, I have just one question: Have you kept your promise?

[Hat tip to my pal Lena.]

Programming Note

Hey Guess What?

Larry King (who still hates your stinking guts) will have Dr. Phil on tonight to discuss Dog the Bounty Hunter. It doesn't get better than that.

Sometimes Dead Is Better

Presidential contender and all around asshat Mitt Romney wants you to know he's really against this whole gay marriage thing. He's hates the gays way more than that drag queen Rudy Giuliani, or Hollywood Fred Thompson. No surprise, he backs amending the Constitution so gays can't get married.

In Iowa last week he even let loose with this pearl:

"…I believe that the development of children is enhanced by having a male and a female as part of their upbringing in their home. Even when there's a divorce, you still have a mom and a dad. And even where one member of the partnership may pass away, the memory and the characteristics of that gender, of that partner influence the development of a child."

So, yeah, according to Mitt, a dead parent is preferable to a gay parent.

Nice.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Terrorbusters!

There's a shitload of terrorists out there, this we know. That may frighten you a bit, and it's okay. Thunder is scary. So are Draculas. Some most people are even afraid of clowns. But you can relax. The CIA's newest anti-terror logo will put you at ease:



In all seriousness, this is the CIA's new "Terrorist Buster" logo. I'm not sure, but I think the CIA is contracting out their graphic art work to Kinkos. Just a guess.

I really don't have anything to say about this because it's almost too silly to make fun of. I did like the AK-47 though.

Bustin' makes me feel good.

H/T to Used Wigs.

Song for a Saturday Evening

Suede: "Attitude"

Halloween Dangers!

Everyone knows I love kids. And by "love" I mean "don't like very much but they're everywhere, so what are ya gonna do?" It's with that in mind I bring you this consumer alert. Danger is lurking in the aisles of your favourite Halloween retailer!

I am, of course, talking about tacky costumes in questionable taste. No kid should be allowed anywhere near these things. And if they do ask for one, feel free to spank them.

You're probably relieved to know there's no Dress Your Daughter Like A Whore™ costume this year. That's no reason to drop your guard. There's something just as nefarious hanging on the rack at you local Halloween retailer. I'm talking about the Geisha Girl Costume.

There's no better way to instill the values of limited self-worth, subservience to men, and institutionalized prostitution in your child than with this classic polyester number. What I find particularly amusing about this one is that there are two versions available: The Geisha Girl Costume and the Kids' Geisha Costume. I guess that latter one is a unisex model for fans of M. Butterfly.

Check out the ever-popular Macho Biker outfit (left). It's for every boy that wants to look like he's walked straight out of a Tom of Finland comic. I'm pretty sure I saw someone wearing this exact thing in Querelle. The Sailor Jerry "Mom" tattoo is a nice touch though.

But hey, the creepy sexualization of children isn't all we have to worry about this season. What can be said about the Harem Dog Pet Costume that isn't already covered in the description? "Your pooch will be positively dreamy in this exotic costume!" I don't know what kind of person would buy a harem outfit for a dog, and frankly, I don't think I want to.

And with the pink Jr. Camouflage Suit your daughter can express her dream to serve her country one day. So long as she doesn't forget she's just a girl. Maybe the color scheme will come in handy if she needs to hide in a room full of teddy bears and My Little Pony posters.

So, you've been warned. Between razor blades in apples and these costumes, it's going to be a dicey year for kids. But hey, Halloween is supposed to be scary, ain't it? Oh, and it looks like I was wrong about that Dress Your Daughter Like A Whore™ costume.