Wednesday, November 30, 2011

It's Here! (Rearden Metal Edition)

Hey, remember that email from Atlas Shrugged Movie I posted about last week? The one that seemed to be advertising something, but was really not advertising anything? Well, the whole mystery has been cleared up with a new email from... drum roll please... REARDEN STEEL!

Yeah, so, the Atlas Shrugged marketing team is finally taking my advice and sending out emails from movie characters. I guess Rearden Steel is a character. As much as anyone or anything in the movie is. It's an entity. Like the Ministry of Love or the Lord of the Flies conch. Right? It would totally get its own Cliffs Notes page. Plus, it's actually clear this time what they are selling. (Cue up Pomp and Circumstance, they are ready to graduate my marketing class!)

They sent me this great email:

The copy in the email reads:

It's here. And, it's AWESOME.

Harmon Kaslow and John Aglialoro present this very Special Edition Atlas Shrugged Part I Blu-Ray packaged in an amazing one-of-a-kind REARDEN STEEL collectible case housing over 2 hours of incredible bonus material.



[There is also some stuff about Midas Mulligan's annual sale, whut? And the Canadian premier! Ha! Eat that, Canadians!]

Atlas Shrugged: Part 1: The Search for Spock on Blu-Ray! In a Rearden Steel metal case! Note, this is not actually made of Rearden steel because Rearden steel is fictional. But still!

You and all your friends can order this one-of-a-kind item, which kind of makes me wonder if the marketing team knows what one-of-a-kind means. But nevermind!

The Blu-Ray comes in three different versions (Oof, what's the total now, twelve? Twelve different versions of this DVD/Blu-Ray thing?) with a bunch of exclusive features like the "I am John Galt" fan video compilation which is on the regular DVD, too. This also makes me wonder if the marketing team knows what exclusive means. Ah, well, in marketing words can mean anything you want, dictionaries be damned!

So give yourself (obviously) the gift of Rearden Steel this Xmas! I know I will. (I won't.)

Speaking of Xmas (a non-denominational holiday, just FYI) this stuff is also on Blu-Ray this week:

One Day. Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess have sex once a year for twenty years. Special packaging: Comes inside a Page-A-Day Calendar.

Friends With Benefits. Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake have sex. Special packaging: Comes inside a No Strings Attached DVD case.

The Adventures of Tintin. Cartoon version of the books! Woo hoo! Special packaging: Comes inside a reproduction of Tintin's rocket.

Walk a Mile in My Pradas. Switcheroo Comedy™ about a homophobe who turns gay. Boat Trip meets Vice Versa and/or Like Father Like Son. Special packaging: Comes in a time capsule from 1986.

Conan the Barbarian Reboot! About muscles and swords and (probably) does not feature any Grace Jones. Special packaging: Comes in a faux-fur loincloth.

The Smurfs Reboot! Computer-generated blue wee people (are they people?) get into hijinx and shenanigans with Doogie Howser. Retro! Special packaging: Comes in a can of creative bankruptcy.

Get shopping, Shruggers!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


SSQ: "Synthicide"

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Atlas Emails!

I got an email a little while ago from Atlas Shrugged Movie. That's really the name in the from field. It is really from the movie's marketing department. I must have signed up for email alerts from them at some point. Whoops. Personally, I think this should have come from "John Galt." That would have been neat. "Hey, Mom, John Galt just sent me an email!" See? Marketing 101.

Anyway, misery loves company (so says that Goo Goo Dolls song), so I thought I'd share:


The copy in the email reads:


Mark your calendar. This Friday, November 25, is the special one-day Gulch Store shopping event. Visit us online and give the very special blu-metal gift of lasting knowledge to your friends and family.

Browse the Gulch Store now for great gift ideas.

I don't really know what this means. It references a one-day event on Friday, but the online store is open now and will, free-market willing, be open Saturday and I see nothing about special Black Friday discounts. Marketing 204 (an elective class) I bet teaches: Be sure your message is clear. Whoops.

I guess, maybe, if you're going to buy an Atlas Shrugged: Part I: The Undiscovered Country DVD do it on Friday? It's now available in nine (NINE!) different editions. Oof. To be an Atlas Shrugged: Part I DVD completist: Sad face.

See you Friday, Shruggians!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Autumn Sweater

Yo La Tengo: "Autumn Sweater"

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My Little Ponies On 45

A pair of My Little Ponies singing a medley of showtunes, including "Defying Gravity" from Wicked.

Bacon Lube!


Baconlube™, which bills itself as "the world's first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil." $11.99 a bottle or $59.99 for six. It's probably less messy than repurposing your bacon grease.

Quote of the Day

"By calling girls like me fat this is what you're doing to other people."Miley Cyrus, on her twitter, responding to critics of her new, plumper body, by posting a picture of an emaciated woman. (The photo is at the above link, and fair warning, it is graphic and NSFW and likely triggering for some folks.) Miley followed up with a tweet stating "I don't wanna be shaped like a girl I LOVE being shaped like a WOMAN."

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Jack Snoozes


Monday, November 14, 2011



(An online advertisement reading "Local Sexual Harassment:
Find Sexual Harassment Near You. Read Actual Customer Reviews!")

Oof. Someone needs to tweek their ad-bot. Just a suggestion. And yes, this was attached to a story about Herman Cain. Double oof.

Nom Nom Nom


Jack chews on Juniper's tail. Nom nom nom.

Quote of the Day

"The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is."Herman Cain, the GOP's current frontrunner, on what makes a man a man and what makes a sissy a sissy (vegetables) in a new GQ Magazine profile.

Today In Whoops

I know you're all excited by my announcement Friday regarding the DVD release of Atlas Shrugged: Part 1: The Phantom Menacers, so I hope this doesn't ruin your day.

The release has been marred by a typo, and 100,000 title sheets for the DVD will have to be replaced. The artwork for the DVD describes the film thusly: "Ayn Rand's timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice comes to life..." Uh oh.

A spokesperson for the producer had this to say:

"It's embarrassing for sure and of course, regardless of how or why it happened, we're all feeling responsible right now. You can imagine how mortified we all were when we saw the DVD but, it was simply too late — the product was already on shelves all over the Country. It was certainly no surprise when the incredulous emails ensued. The irony is inescapable."

The company is replacing the sheets free of charge (also ironic) with new copy that reads "Ayn Rand's timeless novel of rational self-interest to life..." Much better!

But don't throw those originals out, Galtians, they're collector's items!

[H/t to everyone in the universe.]

Friday, November 11, 2011

It's Here!

Finally! After decades of waiting! It seemed like this day would never come but it has! Atlas Shrugged: Part I: Shrug Like There's No Tomorrow is now available on DVD!


Official Atlas Shrugged Movie DVD

Get your copy at the Official Website for only $19.95! ("In stock. Order now for immediate delivery.") Or, get it at Amazon for $15.49 (Free market!) or download it for $3.99 (48 hour rental, free market, too!) or $14.99 (own it forever (i.e. until your harddrive crashes!)!). Or Qwikster it! Sorry, it isn't on Redbox yet (the market has spoken!)

It's also on Blu-ray in case you want to see the special effects in super high definition on your 97" plasma TV. (I thought plasma came from blood. They're not making these TVs out of blood are they?! "Personhood!") Oddly, the Blu-ray version doesn't seem to be available on the film's website. (Free market?) But that's okay, they make it up to you.

With this!:


Official Atlas Shrugged DVD: Collector's 4 DVD Box Set

For the collectors! If you collect Atlas Shrugged DVDs, this is the must have Atlas Shrugged DVD this season! Some of the exciting features in this set:

Each DVD contains the FULL Theatrical Release of ATLAS SHRUGGED Part I which opened in limited release nationwide April 15th, 2011 (Whut?)

"I am John Galt." fan video compilation (35:06) (35:06!)

"The John Galt Theme" slideshow (3:17) (Hawt!)

"The World of Atlas Shrugged" audio program (MP3 and ROM) (ROM? Huh?)

"Welcome" from FreedomWorks President Matt Kibbe (Fun!)

Barbara Branden on the Passion of Ayn Rand (Also fun!)

Exclusive footage from the April 14th premiere (Not fun!)

And if that's not enough, it comes in three (three!) separate editions! One with an actual film cel (recycling!) for $139.95 (a fool and his money!) and another with a film cell plus an autograph from someone (be surprised!) for $179.95! (Paypal not accepted.)

Just in time for Christmas! (Also, Santa: so NOT the Randian ideal. Those kids didn't earn those Legos!) Shake the invisble hand of the free market and get yours today.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Sleepy Jack Is Sleepy


"Whatta ya doin' I'm tryin' a sleep?"

Knights of Mayhem

Nat Geo's new reality show about jousting. Jousting. Yeah, really.

Come on, white dudes, you need some better hobbies. Just sayin'.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Finding Jack

I was driving home the other day, ambling through rush hour traffic, thinking about how much I need to pee. Typical Friday, really. Edmondson Avenue heading into downtown was crowded, slow, but not completely stopped.

Somewhere between Uplands Park and Cathedral Cemetery I saw a cumpled up brown paper sack in the road in front of me. The only reason I really noticed the litter was because of it's shape. I thought to myself, "That piece of paper looks just like a kitten."

A moment later I realized that piece of paper was a kitten! Eep!

Okay, so just to get an idea of where this furball was, I've kindly recreated the placement of the kitten in the image below. I've also used a graphic of a teddy bear in place of the feline for reasons that should be obvious.

Edmondson Avenue

(Artist's rendering © 2011 Deekyvision Enterprises GmbH.)

I stopped, put on my flashers and jumped from the car. I ran to the front of the car but the kitten was gone. Crap. He'd crawled under my car. I guess for safety? "Kitty, don't do that!"

Reaching for him just prompted him to run out behind my car. Uh oh. Yeah, if "Yakety Sax" had been playing, it would have been perfect. I chased him around a bit, holding up traffic as we weaved and dodged around the road around my car until he slowed enough for me to grab him.

As I carried him back to the car I noticed how scrawny he was. A tiny little underfed thing. I tossed him onto the floorboard and drove away, not sure what I was going to do with a dirty, mewing kitten. A bit down the road I stopped and, using my smart phone, checked the hours for the city's animal shelter. Unfortunately they'd closed for the evening.

Well, I said to myself, I guess he can stay the night and I'll drop him off in the morning.

That was over a week ago. The kitten is still in my apartment.


I took him to the vet the next morning. They bathed him, weighed him (1.6lbs) and following some tests declared him in good health. His name is Jack.

Here he is that first night, having perched himself on my back, like I'm a pirate and he's a parrot:


For scale, here is Jack and an Xbox controller:


Welcome home, Jack. I am glad to have found you. You're safe now.

Oh, and to the woman who gave me dirty looks as I was picking up Jack from the road: Kiss my ass.


Wednesday, November 02, 2011


Nipper statue atop the Maryland Historical Society.