Thursday, December 31, 2009

Convo Me

Deeky: Can you explain this to me?

Liss: Isn't that just a scene from The Last Starfighter? It looks like a Last Starfighter storyboard or something.

Deeky: LOL! WTF? The Last Starfighter? How would I know? I ain't seen that since I was twelve!

Liss: OMG how can you not remember EVERY FRAME of The Last Starfighter?! Jesus, you're an embarrassment to Generation X.

Deeky: I'm an embarrassment to everyone and everything.

Liss: "I'm going to go sit in the corner and eat wet cigarette butts."

Deeky: LOLOLOLOL!!! Yes, I am!

Liss: I think I've told you this before, but one of the funniest things KBlogz ever said was when he was like 4 years old, and his grandmother was yelling at him about some absurd abomination against god or another, and he replied, "I'm going to throw myself in the GARBAGE!" LOL. We still say that to this day.

Deeky: Yeah, that's an awesome story. I was just thinking about him last night. What's he? 19? Jebus, was he really born in 19fucking90? I feel so old. LOL!

Liss: He turned 20 this year. Born in '89. And yeah, that makes me feel ancient. Like a JUSTIFIED ANCIENT OF MU-MU!!!

Deeky: LOL! If it were anyone else, I'd say I couldn't believe you just made a Justified Ancients reference.

Liss: LOL! ROCK.

In The Funny Papers

I saw this at the bottom of Yahoo News last week. (Computer problems prevented me from posting about it earlier.) There was no descriptor on it, so I don't know what the comic is called. There's no context. I have no idea what the fuck is going on here.

But I think maybe Cowboy Number One (that's Ronald Reagan to all you non-Frankie Goes To Hollywood fans) is in the DeLorean from Back to the Future is either picking up or dropping off someone from a trailer park. And Reagan is maybe an alien. Or a Scientologist™. Plus there's a bag of groceries.

I'm really not sure if this better or worse than a Garfield.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Lost Starter Kit

Everything you need to know about Lost before season five:

An Unknown Quantity (Season Four)

Is Jin really dead? Fuck, that would really shitty if he were. Was Michael vaporized? What happened to Faraday and the people on the zodiac? What about Frank? And Desmond? Is he just going to go back to his life and pretend he was never on the island at all? Is Locke really the new leader of the Others?

Oh, yeah, and where the fuck did the island go?

Postcapitalist Narrative in the Works of Smith

1. Discourses of genre

If one examines realism, one is faced with a choice: either accept Lacanist obscurity or conclude that the collective is capable of significance. Foucault uses the term 'realism' to denote a deconstructivist whole.

"Class is fundamentally elitist," says Sontag; however, according to Buxton[1], it is not so much class that is fundamentally elitist, but rather the futility of class. Thus, if postcapitalist narrative holds, the works of Smith are reminiscent of McLaren. Many discourses concerning realism may be revealed.

Therefore, the subject is contextualised into a Lacanist obscurity that includes art as a totality. Several theories concerning the role of the artist as participant exist.

However, Bataille uses the term 'postcapitalist narrative' to denote not situationism per se, but presituationism. Hubbard[2] implies that we have to choose between realism and cultural neosemantic theory.

It could be said that Marx's essay on postcapitalist narrative states that society, surprisingly, has intrinsic meaning, but only if reality is interchangeable with culture; if that is not the case, we can assume that sexuality is capable of truth. Derrida suggests the use of Lacanist obscurity to challenge the status quo.

However, if realism holds, we have to choose between Lacanist obscurity and capitalist narrative. A number of theories concerning realism may be discovered.

2. Lacanist obscurity and poststructural deconstructivist theory

"Sexual identity is meaningless," says Sartre. In a sense, Dietrich[3] implies that we have to choose between the capitalist paradigm of expression and pretextual narrative. In Clerks, Smith denies realism; in Dogma he affirms postcapitalist narrative.

Thus, any number of depatriarchialisms concerning a mythopoetical reality exist. Realism states that culture is used to oppress the underprivileged, given that the premise of capitalist narrative is invalid.

It could be said that if postcapitalist narrative holds, we have to choose between poststructural deconstructivist theory and the neosemioticist paradigm of context. The primary theme of Humphrey's[4] critique of textual theory is the failure, and thus the absurdity, of postdialectic class.

3. Smith and poststructural deconstructivist theory

"Sexual identity is part of the futility of art," says Foucault; however, according to Scuglia[5], it is not so much sexual identity that is part of the futility of art, but rather the stasis, and subsequent genre, of sexual identity. However, the subject is interpolated into a realism that includes consciousness as a paradox. The example of postcapitalist narrative depicted in Madonna's Sex emerges again in Material Girl, although in a more predialectic sense.

If one examines realism, one is faced with a choice: either reject poststructural deconstructivist theory or conclude that the task of the writer is deconstruction. Therefore, Lacan uses the term 'realism' to denote the role of the artist as participant. The main theme of the works of Madonna is not, in fact, discourse, but neodiscourse.

Thus, Foucault uses the term 'poststructural deconstructivist theory' to denote a mythopoetical reality. The subject is contextualised into a realism that includes truth as a totality.

Therefore, Derrida uses the term 'the cultural paradigm of consensus' to denote not desituationism as such, but postdesituationism. The subject is interpolated into a realism that includes sexuality as a whole.

Thus, poststructural deconstructivist theory implies that the establishment is responsible for outmoded perceptions of society, but only if reality is equal to truth. Debord uses the term 'realism' to denote the stasis, and therefore the collapse, of neomodernist art.

Therefore, Hubbard[6] holds that we have to choose between poststructural deconstructivist theory and Marxist class. Bataille's essay on realism states that narrative is a product of the collective unconscious.

1. Buxton, C. M. (1971) Narratives of Dialectic: Realism in the works of Gaiman. Panic Button Books

2. Hubbard, T. ed. (1997) Postsemiotic discourse, realism and nihilism. University of Georgia Press

3. Dietrich, Q. Z. V. (1971) The Fatal flaw of Society: Postcapitalist narrative and realism. Yale University Press

4. Humphrey, H. B. ed. (1992) Nihilism, realism and dialectic prepatriarchial theory. And/Or Press

5. Scuglia, K. L. P. (1983) Cultural Narratives: Realism in the works of Madonna. University of Michigan Press

6. Hubbard, U. R. ed. (1974) Postcapitalist narrative in the works of Madonna. O'Reilly & Associates

[Create your own meaningless and randomly generated postmodernist essay here.]

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Or, The Searcher Arrives

[Originally Aired May 29, 2008]

Open where the final scene from Season Three ends. Jack yells at Kate's car. Now she stops and jumps out. "We have to go back? We have to go back?" she asks. She gets in his face, yelling "Who do you think you are?! You call me over and over again for two days straight, stoned on your pills! And then you show up here with an obituary for Jeremy Bentham. When he came to me and I heard what he had to say, I knew he was crazy. But you believed him. I've spent the last three years trying to forget all the horrible things that happened on the day that we left. How dare you ask me to go back?" She storms off for good this time. Back to the island: Sawyer and Jack find Hurley taking a leak near the Orchid. Locke meanwhile looks around for some anthuriums and Ben's magic elevator.

On the freighter, Desmond, Michael and Jin stare a couple hundred pounds of C-4. It's wired to a radio transceiver. Dez studied bomb disposal in the military. Just enough to get everyone blown up. Meanwhile, Keamy leads Ben back to the chopper. He asks Ben why he's so important. Ben doesn't answer. Keamy sees Frank trying to pry himself loose from his cuffs. Who the hell gave him tools, he asks. Then Kate stumbles out of the brush, panting. Keamy asks who she is and why she's running. She says Ben's people are chasing her. Then there's the whispering before all hell breaks loose. The Others set upon the mercs. There's gunfire and explosions and a bunch of other action shit. Ben and Kate run away. Keamy follows. Sayid jumps on Keamy and the two tussle. The fight ends when Alpert appears and shoots Keamy in the back. Ben tells Kate "The helicopter is yours. You and Sayid have a safe journey back."

Cut to the psychiatric hospital. Michael's mother is visiting. She asks Hurley if he's dangerous. Only when he assures her he isn't does she let Walt see him. Walt complains that no one visited him. Hurley apologizes. Walt continues "Do you know who did come see me? Jeremy Bentham. I don't understand why you're all lying." Hurley tells him it's to protect everyone left behind. Back at the greenhouse Locke asks Jack to reconsider leaving. Jack says Locke is crazy. Locke says if they leave they'll have to lie about everything that went on here. That's the only way to protect the island. Jack says this place doesn't need protecting. "It's not an island. It's a place where miracles happen. And if you don't believe that, Jack, if you can't believe that, just wait until you see what I'm about to do." Then Ben returns. "Couldn't find the anthuriums, could you?" Locke doesn't know what they look like. Ben reveals the secret elevator and tells Jack to hurry back to the copter. Locke again tells Jack to lie. "If you do it half as well as you lie to yourself, they'll believe you." Ben and Locke disappear as the elevator descends into the Orchid. On the freighter Michael comes up with a plan: He'll freeze the battery with liquid nitrogen. That way it can't send a charge to the explosives. It's temporary, but it's better than nothing.

In the meantime, Dez and Jin will try to diagram the wiring and maybe figure out a way to disarm it. Faraday returns to the beach and pulls Miles and Charlotte aside. He tells them to get on the boat. Miles says no thanks, he's gonna stay. Charlotte says she'll be at the boat in a few minutes. Miles comments to her "I'm surprised you want leave. It's just weird. You know, after all that time you spent trying to get back here." In the Orchid, Ben starts firing up equipment. Locke asks what all this stuff is for. "The same things that all the Dharma stations are for: silly experiments. Why don't you watch this very informative video that will answer some of your questions?" Locke fires up the VCR and watches as Marvin Candle lies about who he is and explains about negatively charged exotic matter and the vault and other bullshit. He also says not to put any metallic objects in the vault. Ben stacks metallic objects in the vault. Then the elevator starts to rise. "You expecting someone?" At the copter Sawyer saws Frank free. They board the chopper and for the first time since the crash, Sayid, Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley leave the island. Keamy walks into the Orchid. He yells into the darkness for Ben. He tells them if they shoot him to aim for the head, he's wearing a flak jacket. But before they do that, they should know something. "I took out a bit of a life insurance policy, Ben. It's a heart rate monitor, and it's connected to a radio transmitter. We call it a dead man's trigger, Ben. If my heart stops beating it sends a little signal to the five-hundred pounds of C-4 that I've got hardwired out there on the freighter that'd kill a lot of innocent people, Ben." Locke steps out and asks Keamy to talk. Keamy isn't interested and Ben jumps out and clubs Keamy with his baton. Then he grabs his knife and stabs Keamy over on over, shouting "You killed my daughter! You killed my daughter!" Locke tells Ben he just killed everyone on the boat. "So?" On the chopper Frank tells them they have a problem. They're losing fuel. Sayid leans out and sees a bullet hole in the side. Frank tells them to throw out everything that is not bolted down. Is that enough, Jack asks. "I'd feel a hell of a lot better if we were a few hundred pounds lighter!" Sawyer leans over to Kate and whispers in her ear. She asks why he's telling her this. "Just do it, Freckles," he says and kisses her and jumps out of the copter. Goddamn, Sawyer, you're awesome. Totally awesome.

Cut to outside of Hurley's psychiatric hospital. A man sits in a car. Sayid approaches and asks the time. Then shoots the man to death. He sneaks into the building and into Hurley's room. Sayid tells him he has to leave. Why, Hurley asks. "Bentham's dead." Who the fuck is Bentham anyway? So that's who was in the coffin? Some schmoe we ain't even heard of? Who the hell is he? Sayid tells Hurley it's not safe, he's being watched. "Dude, I've been having regular conversations with dead people. The last thing I need now is paranoia." In the Orchid, Locke tries to save Keamy. "Ben, help me. If he dies, everybody on that boat dies." Ben tells him that's not his problem. What a douche. Keamy gurgles, telling Ben that Widmore will find him wherever he goes. "Not if I find him first." Keamy dies. On the freighter the transceiver beeps. Michael tells Jin and Desmond to go before the battery thaws out. Up on deck the copter approaches for landing. Desmond waves them off. "Don't land! Don't land! There's a bomb!" No choice, they're out of fuel. Frank puts the copter down. They've maybe five minutes. Desmond starts patching up the leak, Jack starts pumping fuel. Kate herds Sun and Aaron onto the copter and runs off to find Jin. He's still trying to figure out the bomb but Michael tells him again to go. "You are a father now. Get to your wife and get her home." Jin heads up. Frank fires up the chopper. Jack drags Kate back aboard. She protests. "Jin's still inside!" It's too late. The copter lifts off. Sun screams.

Down below, Old Man Shephard says "You can go now, Michael." What? Jin runs across the deck of the freighter toward the chopper. Then... the ship explodes. Holy fuck, Jin! Sun creams and cries and begs them to fly closer to the sinking wreckage. "He's gone," Jack tells her. Flashforward to London, and Sun approaches Widmore on the street. He pretends he has no idea who she is. She tells him to stop being a jackass and hands him her card. "You and I have common interests. When you're ready to discuss them, call me." Back in the Orchid, Locke asks why Ben killed Keamy, knowing it would destroy the freighter. Ben shrugs it off as being an emotional reaction. Then he tells Locke to duck. The vault sputters and crackles like a microwave with aluminum foil in it. Then explodes. Ben grabs a parka and heads into the vault. Locke asks where his parka is and Ben tells him he's not coming. Bullshit I ain't, says Locke. "Whoever moves the island can never come back," Ben explains. "I'd like you to get on the elevator, John, and go back up. Richard and my people will be waiting two miles east of the Orchid, ready, willing and able to share what they know. And then they will follow your every word. Good-bye, John." Meanwhile Sawyer swims ashore and finds Juliet on the beach drinking Capt. Dharma rum. He asks what she's celebrating. I'm not celebrating, she says and points behind him. A plume of black smoke rises on the horizon. Back in the jungle, Locke walks into the Others' camp. "Hello, John. Welcome home."

Ben climbs through a hole blown in the wall of the vault. He climbs down, slipping a bit, tearing a hole in the arm of his parka. He reaches any icy chamber. One one wall is a giant wheel protruding from the rock. "I hope you're happy now, Jacob." Ben turns the wheel. There is a noise, a humming. The chamber lights up and everything vibrates. The chopper approaches the island, a flash of light engulfs them. And... the island disappears. Frank says they're out of fuel, and now there's no where to land. Desmond throws out the life raft. The chopper hits the ocean. They scramble to make it onto the raft. Desmond isn't breathing. Jack pounds on his chest. "Come on, Desmond!" Dez coughs, sputters and starts breathing again. "It's okay. It's okay. We're alive." Cut to Kate's house. It's late. A noise wakes her. Her phone rings, but she only hears gibberish when she answers. There's whispering coming from down the hall. She grabs her gun and moves into Aaron's room. Claire stands over the boy. "Don't bring him back, Kate. Don't you dare bring him back." Kate wakes. It was all a dream. On the raft Hurley expresses amazement that Locke moved the island. Jack says he didn't do it. "Oh, really? 'Cause one minute it was there, and the next it was gone, so unless we, like, overlooked it, dude, that's exactly what he did. But if you've got another explanation, man, I'd love to hear it." Then Frank sees lights in the distance. It's a boat!

Jack tells everyone they'll need to lie about everything. "Those men came to the island to kill us, all of us. Our plane was discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Well, someone put it there, someone who wants everyone to think that we're dead. So what do you think's gonna happen to us when we tell them that wasn't our plane? What do you think's gonna happen to the people that we left behind?" The boat pulls near and the crew shouts in Portuguese, I think. From above a woman says to throw a them a rope. Desmond looks up. "Penny? Penny!" Awesome. Totally awesome. Penny and Desmond are finally reunited. Sometime later, Hurley asks where they are. Membata. He asks why they've come all the way out here. "Because it's the only way to keep them safe." So, the Oceanic Six board a raft, and leave Penny's ship. Frank and Dez and Penny wave good-bye. Hours later, they paddle up on Membata, their lie already well-rehearsed.

Cut to L.A. Fake Beard Jack pulls up in front of Hoffs/Drawler Funeral Home. (Just FYI, Hoffs/Drawler is an anagram for "flash forward." Clever.) It's night. The place is locked up. Jack breaks in and stares at Bentham's coffin. He opens it just as Ben walks in. Ben asks if he'd seen Bentham recently. He asks what he told him. "He told me that after I left the island, some very bad things happened. And he told me that it was my fault for leaving. And he said that I had to come back." Ben tells him the island won't let him come alone. That they all have to come together. "I don't even know where Sayid is. Hurley is insane. Sun blames me for... and then Kate, She won't even talk to me anymore." Ben says maybe he can help. They start to leave but Ben pauses. "I said all of you. We're going to have to bring him, too," pointing to the coffin. Lying inside is the body of John Locke.

Monday, December 28, 2009

In Which I Substitute an Email Conversation with Liss for an Actual Post

Deeky: Hey, here's some great news!

Liss: So...China is basically like, "We give up. We throw our hands in the air and concede your stereotypes."

Deeky: "Bright colors, such as pink and light purple, and cute cartoon pictures decorate the parking lot."

Liss: "In case you were under the impression that we AREN'T a patronizing patriarchy who, much like yourselves, infantilize adult women by inextricably associating patronizing and juvenile iconography with womanhood...guess again, dirtbags!"


Or, Lies (And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them)

[Originally Aired May 15, 2008]

A plane flies over the ocean. The copilot rubs his rabbit's foot. Bad mojo with their cargo he says. The pilot tells their passenger they're about to land. She gets up and heads to the back. Her name is Decker and she's played by Michele Forbes. (Of course. First you're on Homicide, then you graduate to Oz. From there you end up on either Lost or Dexter. Or maybe one of the Law & Order spin-offs.) She moves to the rear of the plane. Jack, Hurley, Kate, Aaron, Sun, and Sayid sit in the cargo hold. The Oceanic Six. Okay, I guess Aaron was the sixth. That's stupid. Wevs. Decker tells them their families are waiting. And the press. But they don't have to talk to the reporters if they don't want to. "It's fine," says Jack. "We just want to get it over with." The plane lands, they disembark. Hurley runs to his parents. Sun hugs her mother and father. Jack meets his mother. Hurley introduces Sayid to his folks. Kate is alone. Back on the beach Jack and Rose and Faraday discuss the radio they were just dropped. Jack tells Faraday to call the chopper. Faraday turns on the monitor and hears Keamy telling his team to deploy to the Orchid. Jack asks Juliet what the Orchid is. She doesn't know. Jack tells Kate to get some guns, they'll follow the chopper. Juliet tells him he's being a jackass. "I promised those people that I would get them off this island." Faraday pulls Charlotte aside. "They're using the secondary protocol. We have to get off this island. Right now." Jack and Kate head through the jungle and Kate points out that Jack is bleeding. He says it's just his suture healing up. She calls him a liar. Miles and Sawyer stumble out of the brush. Kate asks what happened to Claire. Sawyer says she disappeared in the night. They spent a day looking for her, but were hoping she went back to the beach. She didn't. Sawyer tells them the people from the freighter attacked the barracks and killed everyone. Just like Locke said they would. He suggests they head back to the beach. Jack says "I put Sayid and Desmond on that chopper. It was my call. It's my responsibility. I'm going after it whether they're on it or not." He heads off into the jungle. Sawyer follows him saying "You don't get to die alone." Seriously, every time Sawyer says something like that I love him a little more. Cut to an airplane hanger. The Oceanic Six sit on a stage, microphones in front of them. Decker points to a map and explains what happened: "Based on the location of the wreckage, our best estimate of the crash site is here, in southern Indonesia. From there, the survivors were carried by the ocean's current to an uninhabited island in the Lesser Sunda Islands known as Membata. A typhoon washed up the remnants of an Indonesian fishing boat, including basic supplies and a survival raft. On day 108, the remaining six survivors, including Ms. Austen's baby which she gave birth to on the island of Membata, used this raft to journey to an island called Sumba. They then came ashore near a village called Manukangga." They open the floor to questions. Jack is asked to describe the crash. Sun is asked if her husband died on the island. "No, he never made it off the plane." What happened to the rest of the survivors? "One of them, his name is Boone Carlyle, suffered tremendous internal injuries and died a few days after the crash. A woman, Libby, she didn't make it through the first week. Charlie Pace, he drowned a few weeks before we were able to leave." Hmmmm... That's an odd list. Hurley says he doesn't want his millions back. Someone asks Sayid if he'll return to Iraq. Someone pries about Kate's pregnancy. After the conference, Sayid is told he has a visitor. He walks outside where Nadia awaits. At the beach Sayid lands with the zodiac. He tells everyone he will start ferrying people six at a time to the freighter. Juliet tells him Jack and Kate went after the chopper. "Well, fuck," says Sayid. In the jungle Hurley asks about the Orchid. It's a greenhouse. Why are they going there? "You heard John. We're going to move the island." Okay. Why didn't they do that before the mercenaries showed up? "Because doing it is both dangerous and unpredictable. It's a measure of last resort." Swell. At the foot of a mountain, Ben kicks over some rocks and pulls out a suitcase. He pulls a mirror out and starts signalling to the top of the hill. A mirror flickers back. Locke asks what he said. None of your business, Ben tells him. Ouch. At the beach Faraday tells Sayid he will ferry people to the boat if he wants to go after Jack. Kate comes out of the jungle with Aaron. She says she can track Jack and Sawyer and hands Aaron to Sun. Kate and Sayid head back into the jungle. Flash forward and Sun visits her father at his office. He asks about the baby. "Don't pretend to be interested in my baby. We both know you hated my husband." Ouch. Dad gets pissed and tells her she will show him respect. "Oceanic paid us our settlement for the crash. It was very significant. This morning, I bought a controlling interest in your company. So you will now respect me." Ouch again. "You ruined my husband's life. It is because of you we were on that plane. Two people are responsible for his death. You are one of them." Triple ouch. Meanwhile, in California, Hurley pulls up in front of his mansion in a clunker automobile. The front door is opened. He walks inside and sees a coconut on the floor. He hears whispering. Uh oh. He throws open another door. "Surprise!" Oh, it's just his birthday luau. Luau? Ouch. Mom and dad are there. So is Jack, and Sayid is there with Nadia. Kate has brought Aaron. Dad says he has a gift for Hurley. He takes him to the garage and shows him the Camaro. "After the crash, I worked on it as a memorial to you." Hurley gets behind the wheel and stares at the dash. The odometer reads 481516. The trip counter is at 234.2. What the fuck? Hurley freaks out. Outside the Orchid, Hurley asks Ben about moving the island. "But suppose somehow it works, and we move the island. Doesn't that mean the dudes with guns move, too?" Ben assures him he's working on that. He tells Hurley and Locke to get down as he peers at the station through his binoculars. He tells them Widmore knows that what they need is in the station. He hands the glasses to Locke who spies mercenaries surrounding the station. Faraday drops the first raftload of survivors off at the freighter. He tells Desmond that Sayid has gone after the chopper. Michael tells them the engines are fixed. The first mate fires up the boat. Desmond tells him to take them to the island. "We've got some kind of RF interference with the fathometer. I can't see the reef, mate. Something on this boat is broadcasting. If we don't turn it off, I'm not going any closer than five miles off the coast." Dez says not to worry, he'll find the source of the interference. In the jungle Sawyer and Jack find the copter. Frank is handcuffed in to the passenger hold. Jack asks where Desmond and Sayid are. On the boat, Frank says. Frank needs to get loose so he can fly them out of here before Keamy gets back. He explains that Keamy is going to snatch Ben and kill whoever he is with. "Hugo's with Ben," Sawyer says. Shit! Jack has his wake for his father. He says he loved him and misses him. After, a woman approaches him. She says she was the reason Old Man Shephard was in Australia. He was there to visit his daughter. Jack is all, what the fuck? "Would you like to know the strangest thing about all this, Mr. Shephard? My daughter was on your plane, too. She was one of the ones who died when your plane hit the water. Her name was Claire." Oh jebus. Jack tears up and looks across the room at Kate and Aaron. On the freighter Sun and Jin throw Michael some dirty looks. He tries to explain. They ask if he works for Ben now. No, he pleads, he's just trying to make up for what he did. Then Desmond interrupts (someone is always interrupting on this show) and tells Michael he needs to come down to the hull right now. Meanwhile, Alpert and the Others capture Sayid and Kate. Well, Shit. At the Orchid, Ben tells Locke to head into the greenhouse, find the secret door in an alcove behind some anthuriums. I hope Locke studied his botany. Locke asks how the fuck he's supposed to get past the mercs. Bwn reminds Locke that he always has a plan. Then he walks into the Orchid and says to Keamy "My name is Benjamin Linus. I believe you're looking for me."

Sunday, December 27, 2009


Or, The Tragic and Regrettable Life of John Locke, Orphan, in Four Acts.

[Orignially Aired May 8, 2008]

It's the Fifties, and girl in a poodle skirt listens to Buddy Holly and puts on lipstick. Her mother enters and asks where she thinks she's going. Out, she says, with him. You can't, he's twice your age, mother protests. The girl is in love, there is no stopping her. She storms out. Into the road. And is run over by car. Oops! In the ER, the girl mumbles to the nurse "I'm pregnant." She gives birth and the baby is put into an incubator. It's a boy. He is taken away by the nurses. The girl yells "Name him John! Please! His name is John!" Cut to the jungle, Ben and Hurley and Locke bicker about where the cabin is and who is supposed to be following who and so they decide just to make camp for the night. Locke is lost, in more ways than one. On the freighter the helicopter returns with Keamy and his team. Keamy is pissed and puts his gun to Sayid's head and demands to know how many people are on the island. Sayid shrugs him off. Keamy puts the gun to Gault's head and demands to know who gave him up to Linus. Meanwhile, Omar receives a Morse code message on his radio. Keamy heads down to Michael's room. He's chained to a pipe. Keamy asks if he told Ben who he was. Yes. Keamy puts the gun to Michael's head and pulls the trigger. Click. Again. Click. Nothing. Gault tells him not to kill Michael because he is the only one who can fix the engines. Keamy storms out. The next morning Locke wakes and hears someone cutting wood. Locke follows the sound and finds Horace (AKA Percy Wetmore) chopping down trees. Locke asks what he's doing out here. "Oh, building a place, a little getaway for me and the missus. I mean, sometimes you need a break from the D.I., ya know? The Dharma Initiative? I'm not making any sense, am I? That's probably because I've been dead for twelve years." Horace tells Locke to find him, then he'll find Jacob. Locke wakes back at camp. Ben looks at him and says "I used to have dreams." Flashback and Grandma Locke and her daughter look at John in his incubator. The nurse says "He's amazing. He's the youngest preemie to ever survive in this hospital. He's had infections, pneumonia, you name it. And every time, he knocked them out. He is a fighter, your little John. The other girls say he's a miracle baby, and today, we're gonna take him out of the incubator so you can hold him for the very first time." The girl cries and bolts from the room saying she can't do this. The nurse frowns and looks out through the window. "Is that the father?" she asks, pointing to Alpert. What the hell? Jebus, I wasn't expecting to see him. In the jungle, Hurley says he has a theory why only he and Locke can see the cabin: "I think we can see it because we're the craziest." Locke tells him they're taking a detour. To visit the Dharma Initiative. Flashback and a young Locke is playing backgammon. One of his step-siblings kicks over the table and tells him that game is for assholes. There is a knock on the door. Foster mom tells the kid to get lost, and that Locke has a visitor. It's Alpert. Okay. Alpert tells Locke he runs a school for special children and says he's going to show him some things. Alpert puts an array of objects on the table: A compass, a baseball glove, a book, a vial of sand, a comic, and a knife. "John, which of these things belong to you already?" Locke grabs the sand, and the compass. Then the knife. "Are you sure the knife belongs to you, John?" Locke nods, Alpert is annoyed. He grabs up his things and says the boy isn't ready yet for the school. Back to the jungle, and Hurley stands above the death pit while Locke scurries around below. Hurley asks Ben why he killed the Dharma Initiative. "It wasn't my decision." Whose decision was it? "Their leader's." I thought you were their leader. "Not always." Locke finds Horace and pulls a map from his pocket. On the freighter, Gault tells Keamy he thinks there is a bad case of cabin fever going around and that maybe Keamy is suffering from it too. Keamy says thanks and steals Gault's key to the safe. Keamy opens the safe and reads the secondary protocol and says they're going to torch the island. Gault says he didn't sign up for this shit. A short while later Sayid and Desmond ask Gault to let them have the zodiac so they can get everyone off the island before Keamy kills everyone on it. Gault says to meet him on the other side of the freighter in ten minutes. Back in the jungle Locke tells Hurley to head back to the beach. Hurley seems hurt that he's no longer needed, then decides to stay. As he walks on toward the cabin Ben compliments Locke on his successful manipulation of Hurley. I'm not you, Locke says defensively. "You're certainly not," Ben retorts. Ouch. Flashback and teenaged Locke has been stuffed in his locker at school. (Note the Geronimo Jackson poster inside.) A teacher rescues him and patches up his bloody nose. Then tells the boy he has some news: His science fair exhibit has attracted the attention of Mittelos Labs, and they want him to come to their science camp in Portland. But Locke is pissed, and says being a science nerd is why he ends up stuffed in lockers at school. The teacher tells him to accept who he is: a scientist, not prom king, not a quarterback, not a superhero. Locke screams at the teacher "Don't tell me what I can't do!" On the freighter Frank asks Michael why he didn't tell him he was on 815. Michael says he didn't know if he could trust him. As Frank talks Michael down to the engine room, they see Omar strapping a bit of electronics to Keamy's arm. That can't be good. Up top, Gault tells Sayid to stay on bearing 305, it's the only safe way to reach the island. Sayid climbs into the boat and Desmond says he can't go. "I've been on that island for three years. I'm never setting foot on it again, not when Penny's coming for me." Gault tells Sayid to go. Now. In the jungle Hurley asks Locke how he knows the cabin will be where it's supposed to be. Because I was told it would be, he says. Ben interjects "I was told a lot of things, too: That I was chosen, that I was special. Ended up with a tumor on my spine and my daughter's blood all over my hands. That was my destiny. But you'll understand soon enough that there are consequences to being chosen, because destiny, John, is a fickle bitch." Hurley sees the cabin ahead. Flashback to Locke, with hair, in physical therapy. His orderly wheels him back to the elevator and tells him not to give up, that anything is possible. Lock is skeptical. The orderly turns out to be Abaddon. Abaddon tells him "You know what you need, Mr. Locke? You need to go on a walkabout. A journey of self-discovery. You go out into the Australian Outback with nothing more than a knife and your wits." Locke scoffs. He can't walk anywhere. "When you're ready, Mr. Locke, you'll listen to what I'm saying. And then when you and me run into each other again, you'll owe me one." Okay, so who the hell is Abaddon working for? It looked like Widmore originally, but now... Who knows. On the freighter Omar tells the doctor about the Morse code he received. "It said that the doctor washed up on the shore with his throat slit." Weird, they agree. Keamy and his team load up the chopper with more weapons and Frank tells them he won't fly them to the island. Keamy threatens to shoot him but Frank reminds him he's their only pilot. So Keamy grabs the doctor, slits his throat and dumps him overboard. Then Keamy says thirty seconds and someone else will get it. Christ, that guy is a douche. I hope he gets his soon. Gault shows up and tells Keamy to stand down. Keamy shows the device strapped to his arm, warning Gault he doesn't want to shoot him. He asks what that is, but Keamy pulls a gun and shoots the captain dead. Frank relents and jumps into the copter. In the chopper Frank stashes his radio in his satchel and fires up the engines. At the beach Juliet lectures Jack about being up and about while he's supposed to be recuperating. Their conversation is interrupted by the sounds of the helicopter approaching. The survivors run to the beach and wave at the helicopter. It flies over them without slowing down. As it passes, Frank tosses his satchel down to them. "I think they want us to follow them." Meanwhile, Locke finds the cabin. Ben and Hurley opt to stay outside. Locke heads in alone. There is a figure in the corner, engulfed in shadow. Are you Jacob, Locke asks. "No. But I can speak on his behalf." The figure leans out of the dark. It's Old Man Shephard, Jack and Claire's father. Huh. There's a creak and Locke turns around and sees Claire. Locke is confused. He asks about the baby. Shephard suggests Locke not mention seeing Claire, and then tells him to stop fucking around and asks what he's here to ask. "How do I save the island?" Moments later, Locke returns to Ben and Hurley. What now? "He wants us to move the island."

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Number Six?

So, I've only three eps left of Season Four and I still don't know who the Oceanic Six are.

Lemme see, so far we have: Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sun, and Sayid... That's five. Sure, there's Aaron, right, but you can't count him. He wasn't ticketed on 815. I mean, technically, yes, he was on the plane, but... Anyway. So who is number six? Sawyer stays. Jack said as much. And Claire, too, obviously. (Shit, for all I know, she just walked stright to neverneverland with Old Man Shephard.) And Locke sure as hell ain't going back to his wheelchair. Who does that leave? Bernard? No, he wouldn't leave without Rose. Unless she dies suddenly. Which would be shitty. Jin doesn't make it off the island. It can't be Desmond, he wasn't on the plane either. And Charlie is already dead. Michael? Not without having a way to explain away Walt. Hmmm...

So who is number six? I guess I'll found out soon enough.

Friday, December 25, 2009


Or, Fathers Dead and Living

[Originally Aired May 1, 2008]

On the beach, Juliet tries to wake up Jack. He's very lethargic. He rises to see Rose and Bernard getting in Charlotte and Faraday's faces. They want to know why the boat won't answer now. Charlotte is all, fuck if I know. And Rose busts out with "Just watch your tone, Red." Heh. Bernard insists they're lying, but Jack reassures him "I know they're lying. I know it. Sooner or later, their people are going to come back for them, and when they do, we'll be waiting for them." Then Jack stumbles and falls down. I thought people weren't supposed to get sick on this island. Flashback or forward or somewhere. Or somewhen, I guess. Anyway, Jack is lying in bed. His phone rings. It's his office, confirming his surgical consult for this morning. Jack says he'll be there. He strolls downstairs and steps on a toy Millennium Falcon. Where is he? Someplace with kids. Kate's? He walks into the bathroom. Kate steps out of the shower and wraps herself in a towel. Kate's it is, I guess. They kiss. Later that night Jack reads Aaron (better known as Turniphead around these parts) "Alice In Wonderland." Kate calls him a natural, and tells him she's glad he's changed his mind. In the jungle, Miles, Claire and Sawyer continue their trek back to the beach. Miles suddenly stops and asks "Who's Danielle and Karl?" Then he drops to his knees and starts digging in the dirt. He quickly unearths Rousseau and Karl's corpses. Damn. Sawyer asks how Miles knew they were there and if his buddies did this. Miles says he didn't sign up for this shit. Sawyer tells Claire everything will be okay once they get back to the beach. Meanwhile, Juliet asks Jack what's wrong. He says it's food poisoning. She disagrees and jabs his side. Appendicitis. Has it ruptured? Not yet, he says. "I guess we're just going to have to take it out," Juliet suggests. She makes a list of equipment and asks Sun to get it from the medical station. She doesn't know what half this shit is so Faraday says he'll go along. No one trust him or Charlotte and Charlotte is all big whup if they wanna think we're killers, fuck em, let em think that. Then Faraday says that shit-eating attitude is exactly why no one trusts them. Juliet hands her pistol to Jin and say if either of them try to run, shoot them in the leg. Kate asks why they just don't take Jack to the medical station. Too risky, his appendix might rupture, which will kill him for sure. In the jungle, Miles give Claire a glance and Sawyer is all "Don't look at her. Don't talk to her. Don't mess with her. You got a restraining order. Twenty feet." He then threatens to kick Miles's face in if he doesn't comply. Meanwhile Rose wonders why Jack got sick. People don't get sick on the island. They get better. Back home, Jack receives a call from Santa Rosa. He goes to visit Hurley and the shrink tells him he's stopped taking his meds, stopped sleeping. Jack asks why. "He doesn't think I exist." Hurley is convinced they never left the island, that they all died. He tells Jack that Charlie comes to visit him and talk. About what? "Yesterday, he told me you were gonna be coming by. He wanted me to give you a message. He made me write it down so I wouldn't mess it up. You're not supposed to raise him, Jack. Does that make any sense?" Jack gets upset and tells Hurley to take his meds. Jin and Faraday and Charlotte and Sun reach the med station and they pull open the doors. Faraday gallantly goes in first, lest something happen to Charlotte. Sun and Jin speak in Korean about whether or not Charlotte knows he is sweet on her. In the station Faraday wonders where the power is coming from. Sun tells Jin they're not going to get help from these people. Jin promises no matter what he'll get her and the baby off the island. Elsewhere in the jungle Claire stumbles and Miles offers assistance. Sawyer tells him again to back off. Then Frank comes out of the jungle. He tells them to hide. That Keamy is heading this way. "If he sees you, he'll kill all of you." They duck behind some bushes and Keamy and some other mercs show up. One is bleeding badly. Frank tries to get them to head to the copter but Aaron coos and Keamy hears it. He peers around as Frank begs him to come back to the chopper. Keamy follows Frank away. Back at the beach, Juliet preps for surgery. She asks Kate to help. She can hold the mirror while Jack watches and talks her through the procedure. Yeah, because that sounds like a good idea. In California, Jack comes home late at night after spending his evening staring at the bench where Charlie visits Hurley. He wakes Kate and tells her Hurley has gone insane and then asks her to marry him. She says yes. Which would be totally sweet except we already know they split up after this. Jin and co. return to the beach. Faraday and Juliet start sterilizing the instruments. Jin speaks to Charlotte in Korean, saying he knows she can understand him. She plays dumb until he says "If you continue to lie I'm going to hurt your friend Daniel. I'm going to break his fingers one at a time. Do you understand that? When the helicopter comes for you, you're going to take my wife off this island." Awesome. Meanwhile Bernard offers to chloroform Jack. He refuses. Bernard tells him the local anesthetic will only help so much. Juliet slices him open. Jack grunts and groans and starts to thrash. Juliet tells Kate to leave and for Bernard to chloroform Jack. Cut to Jack working late at his office. He hears a beeping out in the hall. He follows it and finds a smoke detector on the fritz. He pops the battery out. As he glances out at the waiting room he sees his father sitting there. He hears a voice behind him and spins around and sees another doctor. He looks back and his father is gone. She asks him if he's okay. Yeah, he says, just a little stressed out. Then he asks her to write him a prescription for Xanax. Uh oh. She seems hesitant but gives it to him anyway. Back on the island, Claire wakes next to a campfire. Miles and Sawyer sleep nearby. Aaron is gone. Then Claire sees her father (who I totally forgot was Jack's father too) holding the baby. At the beach Bernard tells Kate the surgery went fine. Juliet says "The other day, when you came back from the other side of the island, Jack kissed me. It was nice. But it wasn't for me. It was for him. I'm pretty sure he was trying to prove something: That he doesn't love someone else." Kate thanks her for saving his life and leaves. Juliet looks down at Jack and says "I know you're awake." Ouch. Back in California, Kate comes home. Jack is waiting. There are empty beer bottles around. He sips some whiskey. He asks where she was. She tells him to trust her, to let it go. He doesn't. She says she was out doing something for Sawyer. What, he asks. Nothing he needs to worry about, she insists. "He made his choice. He chose to stay. I'm the one who came back. I'm the one who's here. I'm the one who saved you," Jack says. She tells him not to be an asshole, not around her son. "Your son? You're not even related to him!" Ouch. Back on the island Sawyer wakes to find Claire gone. He asks Miles where she went. She left with her dad, he says. From somewhere, Aaron cries out. Sawyer runs through the brush and finds the baby under a tree, safe. He yells for Claire but there is no reply.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

New For Season Four

Okay, so this short-ass season is nearly over, but I thought I'd throw together another update of characters on Lost.

The Science Team:

Helicoptered onto the island from Kahana. Not here to rescue survivors.

Faraday: Physicist, mumbler, can't seem to complete a sentence. Knows something about distortion of time on the island.

Charlotte: Kind of an asshole. Found a polar bear in Tunisia. She's an anthropologist.

Frank: Helicopter pilot. Was supposed to be pilot on Oceanic 815.

Miles: Sees dead people. Psychic and total smart ass.

Naomi: Security for science team. Killed by Locke.

Kahana Freighter Crew:

Freighter sits 80 km off the island. Crew here to capture Ben and secure control of the island.

Gault: Captain of boat. Seems tough but fair.

Keamy: Mercenary doucheface. Kills a bunch of people. See below.

Minkowski: Radio operator. Dead after island drove him crazy.

Regina: Member of scientific team. Killed herself after island drove her crazy.

Ray: Ship's doctor. Washed ashore with throat slit.

"Kevin Johnson": Ben's spy on the boat. Saboteur.


Michael: AKA Kevin Johnson. Ben's spy on the boat. Guilt-ridden.


Charlie: Drowned shutting down radio jamming device.

Mikhail: Blew self up with grenade trying to stop Charlie.

Alex: Killed by Keamy.

Tom: Shot by Sawyer for abducting Walt and general malfeasance.

Karl: Killed by Keamy's team of mercenaries.

Rousseau: Also killed by Keamy's team.

Men Behind the Curtain:

Jacob: Leader of the Others. May be invisible. May be bullshit.

Charles Widmore: Hunting for island, and for Ben. Claims island was once his.

Cats In Hats For Xmas

Juni is not a fan of hats.

Neither is Potter.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Or, The Road To Tunisia

[Originally Aired April 24, 2008]

At the beach, Jack takes an antibiotic for a "stomach bug." A ways off, Bernard yells for help. A body has washed ashore. Faraday identifies him as the ship's doctor. Jack says his throat has been slit. Back at the barracks, Hurley and Locke and Sawyer bicker. "We're all gonna die." Sawyer rolls the dice and says he's attacking Siberia. They're killing time playing Risk. Outside the sonar fence Keamy forces Alex to disarm the gate. She begs them not to hurt the baby. Back at Locke's the phone rings. Everyone just sort of stares at it for a moment. Locke answers. A recording tells him "Code 14-J. Code 14-J." Next door, Ben sits alone playing piano. Locke enters and asks him what Code 14-J means. "They're here," he says and pops open the piano bench pulls out a shotgun. He hands the shotgun to Sawyer and leads them back to his place, saying it'll be easier to defend. Flashback (or maybe forward, who knows at this point) and Ben wakes up in the Sahara. He's in a heavy parka and his arm is bleeding. Two Bedouins arrive on horseback. They aim AK-47s at him. He raises his hands. One dismounts and approaches. Ben whips out a baton and clubs him, stealing his gun. He shoots the other Bedouin. Then bonks the first one over the head. So, what, the Others can teleport off the island? Is that how the polar bear ended up in Tunisia? Back at the barracks Sawyer asks if 14-7 is is code for pizza boy. Unfortunately it isn't and this doesn't turn into an Eighties porno. Ben says the code means someone tripped the panic button at the fence. Sawyer says he is going to get Alex and Rousseau but Ben tells them he sent them to safety last night. Whatever, Sawyer says he needs to get Claire, but Ben tells him there is no time. "I'll make time." At the beach, Faraday says the doc was fine last time they say him. Jack asks when that was. "When is kind of a relative term," Faraday says. The sat phone is still busted but Bernard suggests they modify it to send morse code. Faraday gets to work on it. At the barracks, Sawyer asks a random survivor if he's seen Claire. The man is shot and falls dead. Two more survivors are killed. Sawyer runs, dodging gunfire. He approaches Claire's house, a rocket is fired. The bungalow explodes. Flashback, and Ben strolls into the lobby of a Tunisian hotel. He says he's a preferred guest, Dean Moriarty. Great, a beatnik reference. Ben asks the date. October 24th, 2005. Oh, the future. Ben looks at a TV in the lobby. Sayid is on screen and he says "I just want to bury my wife in peace." What the fuck? Nadia? God damn you, Lost! At Ben's house, Locke tells Hurley to get Aaron away from the window. Ben tells Locke he needs to survive so they can go to Jacob together. Locke says he doesn't even know where the cabin is now. But Hurley does, says Ben. Sawyer pulls Claire from the rubble. She's scraped up a bit, but otherwise okay. He carries her back to Ben's. He bangs on the door but Ben won't open it. Hurley chucks an ottoman through a window and Sawyer hands Claire to him. He climbs in behind her and asks Ben what the fuck is going on. Ben says they killed the innocent people to make everyone angry so they'd give him up easily. There is a knock at the door. Sawyer opens it up and lets Miles in. He has a walkie-talkie and says "They want to talk." Forward to Iraq, and Sayid is a pallbearer in a funeral procession. Ben is there, watching from a nearby roof. He is dressed like the world's gayest secret agent and he snaps pictures of the funeral. Sayid looks up and sees Ben. He ducks and races down to the alley. Sayid is waiting for him and knocks him on his ass. Sayid is stunned and asks what he is doing here. "I'm here to find the man who murdered your wife." God damn you, Lost! Sayid asks him how he got off the island. Desmond's boat. "You remember the name Charles Widmore, don't you? The man who tried to convince the world that your plane was on the bottom of the ocean? There was a man at her procession. He goes by the name of Ishmael Bakir. He's one of Widmore's men. Bakir was last seen five days ago in Los Angeles, caught by a traffic camera, speeding away from the corner of La Brea and Santa Monica." Three blocks from where Nadia was killed. At the house, Miles tells Ben to use the walkie-talkie. Why? Because they've a hostage. Ben scoffs, he says all his people are ready to die for the island. "It's your daughter," Miles says. Ben calls and Keamy answers. He tells Ben to come out with his hands up, and once he's in custody, they'll let everyone else go. Ben says that's bullshit and Keamy asks what kind of guy he thinks he is. Ben says "Martin Christopher Keamy, former first sergeant, United States Marine Corps, served with distinction from 1996 to 2001, but since then, you've worked with a number of mercenary organizations, specifically in Uganda. So I know exactly what kind of man you are, Mr. Keamy, and we can dispense with the formalities." Okey doke then. They drag Alex out and Keamy puts a pistol to her head. Ben tells Keamy to leave the island. Keamy puts the gun to Alex's head and begins counting down. "She's not my daughter. I stole her as a baby from an insane woman. She's a pawn, nothing more. She means nothing to me. I'm not coming out of this house. So if you want to kill her, go ahead." So Keamy does. Fuck! Fuck you, Lost! Keamy disappears and Sawyer and Locke discuss what to do next. Locke thinks they'll return at nightfall and kill everyone. Ben yells that they changed the rules and yanks open his secret passage and disappears. Sawyer tries to follow but Ben slams the door closed. In Tikrit, Ben follows Bakir. Bakir notices Ben and gets the drop on him and sticks a gun in his back. Bakir asks who he is. Ben tells him he has a message for Charles Widmore. Then Sayid pops up and shoots Bakir dead. Sayid pumps him full of bullets. Ben starts to leave and Sayid asks him where the hell he's going. Ben tells Sayid it isn't his war, he should just go back to his life. "I spent the last eight years of my life searching for the woman I love. I finally found her and I married her. And I buried her yesterday. So don't tell me this is not my war, Benjamin. Who's next?" Ben says he'll be in touch and walks away. He smiles slyly as he leaves. Fucker. Back home, Ben comes out of his secret room and tells everyone they need to run when he gives the order. The house starts to shake. They look out the window and see trees falling. The smoke monster bursts form the jungle and races across the compound. From the jungle comes the sounds of gunfire and screams from Keamy's men. A soldier runs from the jungle and the monster grabs him and drags him back into the brush screaming. Ben tells everyone to run and he'll catch up with them. Locke asks where he's going. "I have to say goodbye to my daughter." At the beach, Faraday has the phone rigged up and taps out a message in morse, asking what happened to the doctor. A reply comes in. "They didn't exactly say what happened to the doctor, but your friends are fine, and the helicopter's coming back in the morning." Then Bernard says he's lying, that the message said the doctor was fine. Jack asks if they were ever going to rescue them. No, says Faraday. Then Jack doubles over in pain, grabbing his stomach. Across the jungle, Locke offers Ben his condolences. Then asks why he lied about the smoke monster. Ben tells him to ask Jacob. Sawyer says fuck this, he and Claire and Aaron and Hurley are heading back to the beach. Miles says he's going with them too. Locke pulls his gun and says Hurley stays with them. Sawyer pulls his gun and says no way. Hurley tells Sawyer to go, he'll be okay. He'll catch up sooner or later. Sawyer tells Locke "You harm so much as one hair on his curly head and I'll kill you." Sawyer is become more and more awesome every episode. Cut to London. Ben gets out of a cab. He enters a building and gets in the elevator. He picks the lock next to the penthouse button. He rides to the top and exits into a darkened apartment. Ben walks into Charles Widmore's bedroom. Widmore asks if he's come to kill him. "We both know I can't do that." Then why are you here, he asks. "Because you murdered my daughter." Widmore retorts "Don't stand there, looking at me with those horrible eyes of yours and lay the blame for the death of that poor girl on me, when we both know very well I didn't murder her at all, Benjamin. You did. You creep into my bedroom in the dead of night, like a rat, and have the audacity to pretend that you're the victim? I know who you are, boy. What you are. I know that everything you have you took from me. So once again I ask you: Why are you here?" Ben says he is here to let him know he is going to kill his daughter. "And once she's gone, once she's dead, then you'll understand how I feel. And you'll wish you hadn't changed the rules." WIdmore says he'll never find her. That island's mine, Benjamin. It always was. It will be again. "But you'll never find it." Then I suppose the hunt is on for both of us. Sleep tight, says Ben, as he walks out.

Eating Tacos While Driving Is A Dangerous Thing

Lis' car, the victim of a soft taco.

The car landed on its roof.

She walked away with only a few bruises.

(See also.)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Or, Bombs

[Originally Aired March 20, 2008]

Ben, Sawyer, Hurley, and Claire sit tensely around in Ben's living room. Locke arrives with Miles. He says there will be no more secrets and prods Miles to reveal why the freighter crew is there. He says they're here for Ben, and everyone is all "no shit, doucheknocker." Sawyer suggests turning him over to them, but that is countered with "Once they have me, their orders are to kill everyone else on the island." Hurley asks who the spy on the boat is. Michael. Sawyer is in disbelief. "I'm sorry. You mean the same guy that killed two women in cold blood to set this little bastard free? And then sold all of us out so he could get off the island? That Michael?" On the freighter Gault pounds on two crew members who were looking to escape. "Nobody leaves this ship without my say so! I'm not beating these men to scare you. I beat them to save your lives! Do you remember what happened to the last two men who took off in this boat? You remember what happened to Minkowski? As soon as we get the engines fixed, we're back in the hunt. In the meantime, everybody just hold on." Then he tells "Johnson" AKA Michael to clean up the blood. Everyone wanders away, except Sayid who gets in Michael's face. Not now, says Michael. Sayid asks him what he is doing on the boat. "I am here to die," he responds. After their meeting, Ben asks for a word with Alex. He gives her a map to the Temple and tells her to go there now. The rest of the Others are already there. Alex, Rousseau and Karl head out. On the boat, Sayid and Dez finally corner Michael alone and ask him what the fuck he's up to. Flashback to NYC, and Michael scrawls a note on some paper, then pins it to his shirt. He jumps behind the wheel of his car and drives full-speed into a storage container. Crunch! And then he wakes up in the hospital. And Libby is his nurse. What the fuck! He freaks out and his nurse morphs into someone else. Someone he didn't murder. She asks if he wants her to call someone. Walt maybe? No. Later Michael knocks on his mother's door. He asks to see Walt. She tells him to get lost. He says he has a right to see him. "I thought you were dead. They said your plane crashed in the middle of the ocean, but you show up here fine and dandy, only I can't tell anybody about you or Walt, can't call you by your real names. He barely talks to me, but he does wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and I'm the one that's got to tell him it's gonna be okay. So until you can explain to me where you were for over two months and what happened, you gave up your rights." Damn! As he walks away, Michael looks up and sees a digitally superimposed Walt looking at him from an upstairs window. Walt coldly pulls the curtains closed on his father. Michael visits a pawn shop and tries to sell Jin's watch. The guy offers him $300 for it. Michael says no, he wants to trade it for a gun. And some bullets. Moments later Michael sits in an alley and loads the pistol. He puts the gun to his head but is interrupted. "Excuse me, sir. You got the time?" No, piss off! "How about for an old friend?" Tom walks out of the shadows. Damn! Michael stands and tries to shoot Tom but misses. The two scuffle until Tom knocks him on his ass. Don't mess with Tom, he's one butch mo! Then they scuffle some more because Michael is kind of dumb. Tom gets the gun and puts it to Michael's head. Michael says to go ahead and shoot him. As if. Michael mumbles some shit about his son and Tom asks "You told him, didn't you? You couldn't carry the guilt of what you did to those two women all by yourself, so you shared it with a 10-year-old kid. Is that why you wanna kill yourself, Michael? Because that's the way he looks at you now? Because he knows you're a murderer?" Damn! Michael tells him to fuck off. "I got some bad news for you, amigo. You can't kill yourself. The island won't let you. No matter how bad you want to, no matter how many different ways you try, it won't happen. Give it a shot if you don't believe me. You got more work to do, Mike. When you figure that out, I'm in the penthouse at the Hotel Earle." Hey, wasn't the Hotel Earle the place they stayed in Barton Fink? Michael sits at home and tries to shoot himself. It doesn't work. He puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger but the gun doesn't fire. So Michael visits Tom at the penthouse suite of the Hotel Earle. Tom is there with his friend Arturo. Tom gives him a smooch and asks him for some privacy. Arturo steps out onto the balcony. See? I told you Tom was a mo. Tom eats grapes and says "Don't make it to the mainland too often so when I do, I like to indulge myself." Yeah, grapes and buttfucking: what life is all about. Michael asks about the plane found in the ocean. "That's not your plane. It's a phony. A man named Widmore put it down there, and he staged the whole wreck. He doesn't want anyone else finding where the real plane ended up." Okay, so who faked the wreckage? Ben or Widmore? Michael asks Tom to prove Widmore staged the crash. Tom whips out a file and starts thumbing through it. "That's the cemetery in Thailand where Widmore dug up the 300-odd corpses he needed. And the purchase order for the old 777 he bought through a shell company, and the shipping logs for the freighter he used to drop the whole mess down a trench deep enough to guarantee that no remains are ever gonna be identified. Do you have any idea what it would cost to bring those bodies up?" What's he want from him, Michael asks. "In a few days, a freighter is porting in Fiji. It's Widmore's boat. We have reason to believe he's finally found the coordinates of the island, and he's heading right for it. So congratulations, Michael. Your shore leave is over. You just got a job on that boat." Tom hands him a new passport. "Meet Kevin Johnson." Michael doesn't like the idea. Tom tells him this is how he can redeem himself for the murders and betrayal. Michael says he can't go back to the island. You're not, says Tom. You're going to kill everyone on the boat. Michael arrives in Fiji and meets Minkowski and Naomi. Miles tells him his name isn't Kevin. There is a package waiting for Michael. Tom calls and asks if he's ready. Michael isn't, until Tom reminds him of all the people he left on the island, and how they will die if Michael doesn't help. Later, Frank and Michael bullshit on deck. Frank says "What would you say if I told you the plane they found in that trench wasn't Oceanic 815? That's why I signed up for this trip, because the owner of this boat believes me. Charles Widmore. He believes that 815 is still out there somewhere. I mean, can you imagine what would happen if we found some of those people alive?" Later Michael watches Keamy and friends shoot skeet with machine guns. "I thought we were going on a rescue mission," he says. Keamy tells him to go mop something. Back in his room, Michael opens his package and carries the contents to the engine room. It's a toolbox with false bottom. There's a bomb inside. Michael keys in the detonation code. He hesitates over the "execute" button. Libby appears and tells him not to do it. He ignores her and presses the button. She disappears. The bomb counts down. When it hits zero, a flag on the bomb pops up. "Not yet." Damn! Later he sits in his room, and Minkowski comes in and tells him he has a call. No one knows I'm here, he says. Minkowski tells him it is Walt. Michael goes to the radio room but it's Ben on the other end. He asks Ben what's the deal with the fake bomb. "There are people on your boat who are innocent. They have no idea that the man they work for is a monster, a killer without conscience or a greater purpose. I had to show you the difference between him and me. When I'm at war, I'll do what I need to do to win, but I will not kill innocent people." Ben asks him to get a list of everyone on the boat. Ben will call back later for it. After that, destroy the radios. Then the engines. That way the boat will never get to the island. Michael says okay and Ben tells him "Consider yourself one of the good guys." And we're all caught up and Sayid asks if Michael is really working for Ben. Yeah. So Sayid grabs Michael and drags him to Gault and says "This is the man who sabotaged your radio room. He destroyed the ship's engine, and his name isn't Kevin Johnson. It's Michael Dawson, and he's a traitor." Damn! Meanwhile, in the jungle, Alex, Karl and Rousseau stop to rest. Karl drinks and there's a zipping sound and his canteen is punctured. Huh? Then he's shot in the chest and keels over. Damn! Rousseau grabs her and they start to run. But Rousseau is hit too. She collapses. Someone approaches through the brush. Alex raises her hands and screams "Wait! Wait! Don't! I'm Ben's daughter! I'm his daughter!"

Sunday, December 20, 2009

R.I.P. Brittany Murphy

TMZ is reporting that Brittany Murphy has died at age 32.
Brittany Murphy died early this morning after she went into full cardiac arrest and could not be revived, multiple sources tell TMZ.

A 911 call was made at 8:00 AM from a home in Los Angeles that is listed as belonging to her husband, Simon Monjack, the Los Angeles City Fire Department tells TMZ.

We're told Murphy was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where she was pronounced dead on arrival.
Murphy is best known, to me at least, for voicing Luanne Platter in over 200 episodes of King of the Hill. She appeared in over sixty movies and TV shows in a career spanning nearly twenty years.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Oral Roberts Dies at 91

Televangelist Oral Roberts met his reward today from complications from pneumonia. He was 91.

Radio Shakesville

New podcast

Episode 15: Christmas In Space

Here is a link to the podcast blog where you can download the show.

And this is the list of all songs used in this week's ep.

You can also play the show in a pop-up.

The show is available via iTunes, and on Feedburner. The RSS is here, if you need it.

Christmas Disco

The Christmas Disco LP.

Monday, December 14, 2009


Or, The Panda

[Originally Aired March 13, 2008]

Frank strolls down the hall of the freighter, a bag of food under his arm. Regina sits outside the door of Dez and Sayid's room. She pretends to read, until Frank points out her book is upside down. Frank drops off some canned beans to the prisoners. He says the captain isn't happy with them since they busted out. They say someone left the door open, they assumed it was Frank. Nope, he says. Sayid asks again to speak to the captain. On the beach Sun is worried about Dez and Sayid. Jin remains hopeful. Then he wants to talk about baby names, but Sun says it is bad luck. "I want to name her Ji Yeon," he says. She doesn't want to talk about it, finally offering "I'll tell you what. Let's get off the island first. Then we can pick a name." Flashforward and Sun is in an apartment somewhere, she's very pregnant. She winces, grabs her belly. She is in pain. She picks up the phone and asks for an ambulance. Cut to Jin, in a small shop. He purchases a giant stuffed panda. The man behind the counter asks if he wants it gift wrapped. No, says Jin, he has to get to the hospital. Boy or girl? He doesn't know yet. Jin's phone rings, he says he's on his way. The shop owner wishes him luck. Back on the beach Kate and Jack and the rest return to camp. Sun asks Kate about her bruises and tells them about Charlotte and Juliet and the poison gas. Sun wonders if the freighter crew is really going to rescue them. "In all the time they've been here they've talked about a lot of things, and none involved rescuing us," says Kate. Sayid and Dez sit in the room eating canned beans. Dez farts. Someone slips a note under their door. It reads "Don't trust the captain." Sun asks Faraday if they're going rescue them. Faraday only says "It's not really my call." I'd take that as a no. I want to like Faraday, he seems like a decent guy but he's also working with freighter crew and maude knows what bullshit they're up to. Sun tells Jin to pack up two days worth of food, they're heading to Locke's camp. She heads to the med tent and starts foraging for prenatal vitamins. Juliet asks her what the hell is up. Sun says they're leaving and Juliet tells her that is a bad idea, that she'll die if she doesn't stay and wait for the freighter, if she doesn't get off the island. Sun says Claire is fine and Juliet is kind of a liar so why should she believe her now? Cut to the hospital and one of the nurses recognizes Sun as one of the Oceanic Six. A doctor arrives, not her regular doc though, he's at a conference. Sun asks them to call Jin. Outside the store, Jin hails a cab. He stuffs the panda in the back seat. His phone rings. "Yes, I am on my way." Someone bumps into him, and he drops his phone. Then a motorcyclist runs it over. Damn! Then someone jumps into the taxi and speeds of with his panda. Double damn! "Stop! You bastard! I will kill you! If I find you! I will hunt you down and rip your head off!" He returns to the store and asks for another panda. Last one, sorry. Jin sees one behind the counter and asks bout it. Already sold. Jin whips out a wad of cash and demands the last panda. The owner hands it over and tells him not to lose it. Back on the beach, Kate gives Sun directions to the barracks. Juliet interrupts and says it's a bad idea. Then Juliet tells Jin that Sun cheated on her and wasn't even sure the baby was his. Sun slaps Juliet. Jin storms off. Jin grabs his fishing gear as Sun tries to explain. Bernard interrupts and asks to go fishing then realizes he's stumbled into the middle of a domestic dispute. Jin tells him to come along and the two wander down the beach. While fishing Bernard tells him about Rose's cancer and how if she leaves she might get sick again. So why'd they stay with Jack then? Karma, Bernard says. Locke is a murderer. Staying with Jack was the right thing to do. Jin reels in a fish. Karma, says Bernard. On the freighter Dez and Sayid discuss an odd banging they hear. Then the doctor says they captain will see them now. As they walk down the hall, they ask about Frank. He's out running an errand. Regina walks by, covered in chains. What the hell? She walks up to the rail and jumps overboard. Jebus! The crew doesn't react. Sayid and Dez start barking orders, asking for rope, looking for a way to save her. Someone appears and tells everyone back to their posts. Then he introduces himself as Captain Gault. He tells them he didn't want to lose any more crew members trying to save Regina, so he just let her sink. Some of the crew has cabin fever, he thinks because of their proximity to the island. Sayid asks who they're working for. Charles Widmore. Dez is stunned. In his room, Gault shows them a flight data recorder. "This black box comes from Oceanic Flight 815. A salvage vessel recovered it from the bottom of the ocean. It took a considerable amount of Mr. Widmore's resources to procure it. It was found with the wreckage of the plane, along with all 324 dead passengers. That's not the complete story, as you are well aware, Mr. Jarrah, given the fact that you're standing here, breathing. The wreckage was obviously staged. Now can you imagine what kind of resources and manpower go into pulling off a feat of that magnitude? Faking the recovery of a plane crash? Putting 324 families through a grieving process based on a lie? But what's even more disturbing, where exactly does one come across 324 dead bodies? And that, Mr. Jarrah, Mr. Hume, is just one of the many reasons we want Benjamin Linus." At the hospital Sun asks for Jin. The baby is crowning. Push, says the doctor. "Congratulations. You have a baby daughter." On the freighter the doc takes Dez and Sayid to their new quarters. The room is bug-ridden, and there is blood stain on the wall. Looks like someone blew their brains out. The doc complains that was supposed to be cleaned up. He turns and calls one of the deckhands over. The man slinks out of the shadows. It's Michael! What the hell? (And yeah, that would have been more surprising if his name hadn't been in the opening credits all season.) Doc introduces him as Kevin Johnson. I guess he's Benjamin's spy. On the beach Jin comes into Sun's tent with dinner. She says she thought he left her. She offers to explain. No, he says, it wouldn't matter if she did. He was a different person before they came here, he was a ginormous douche, so whatever she did, she did to that guy, not him. He forgives her and says she'll never lose him. He says he'll still go to Locke's with her. No, she says, she thinks she'd rather wait for the helicopter. At the hospital, Jin finally arrives with the panda. He enters the room and says "Mr. Ambassador. This panda is a symbol of Mr. Paik's eagerness to do business in the great country of China. Please accept his congratulations." It's not Sun's baby he's visiting. In fact, this isn't the future, it's the past. Damn you, Lost! Tricksters. Cut to Sun's apartment. She is getting dressed. There is a knock on the door. It's Hurley. He's in a suit. What? He says the baby looks just like Jin, then says "I guess we should, like, go see him." Cut to the cemetery. Sun and Hurley approach Jin's grave. Sun cries and says "The doctor said I was calling out for you. I wish you could've been there. She's beautiful. I named her just like you wanted: Ji Yeon. I miss you so much. I miss you so much."


Or, Dharma Place

[Originally Aired March 6, 2008]

Juliet meets with Harper, her shrink. Juliet says she doesn't need therapy. She also says she doesn't like being a celebrity. Oh, is this the future? Is she one of the Oceanic Six. Well, no, she couldn't be. She wasn't on the plane. There is a knock on the door, and Tom enters. Oh, I guess this is the past, since he's dead now. She's new to the island. I see. Fucking Lost, and its god-damned flashbacks and forwards and sidewayses. Tom says Ben would like to see Juliet. Tom takes Juliet across the compound. Ben hands her flowers and presents her with her fancy new bungalow. Ben says he wants her to feel at home. Cut to the beach and Juliet is trying to fix her tent. Sun helps and Juliet asks where Charlotte and Faraday are. Jin says they went into the jungle. Juliet asks why he didn't tell anyone. Because no one told him they might be secret douchebags. Though, truthfully, I think the secret is out on Charlotte. Jack and Juliet head out into the jungle to try to track them. It rains. Harper suddenly appears and says "Hello, Juliet, long time no see." Oh, that can't be good. Harper says Ben sent her to tell them that Faraday and Charlotte are heading to the Tempest to release the gas and kill everyone on the island. Ben says she must stop them. Juliet asks how the hell she is supposed to do that. Shoot them, Harper suggests. Jack asks the woman who she is. "I'm an old friend of Juliet's." Then there is whispering in the brush around them and Harper disappears. Cut to Juliet crying softly in one of the barracks' labs. Goodwin sneaks in and the two have an awkward moment. He has an electrical burn on his arm. She patches him up and tells him she is upset about the pregnant woman who died this morning. He suggests talking to Harper. Juliet calls her a hag and Goodwin says she's his wife. Oops! He says it's cool and won't tell her, and she says she won't tell anyone he lied about having a chemical burn on his arm. Cut to Juliet and Jack hunting Faraday and Charlotte through the jungle. Juliet says they're heading to the Tempest, the island's electrical generating station. Jack asks why they'd head there. Juliet refuses to tell him. Meanwhile Faraday and Charlotte stop for water and Kate stumbles out of the jungle. They ask about Miles and Kate asks what they're doing in the middle of nowhere. Looking for spare batteries that were thrown out of the chopper, they lie. Kate looks in their bag and sees gas masks. What the fuck, she asks. Charlotte pistol-whips her. Damn. That woman has a chip on her shoulder, doesn't she? Meanwhile, Jack asks about Harper. Juliet says she was her therapist, which surprises him. "It's very stressful being an Other, Jack." Then she tells him she doesn't want to talk about it. Flashback and Juliet and Ben stare into microscopes and talk all sciencey and Goodwin interrupts with an egg salad sandwich. Ben is not amused. Cut to Juliet meeting with Harper and she asks Juliet what she thinks of Ben. What is this? Dharma Junior High? Sheesh. Then Harper asks when Juliet started boning her husband. Oh, I see, this is Dharma Falcon Crest. Then Harper says she doesn't want Ben to get hurt. Christ. Meanwhile Claire asks Locke to talk to Miles. She thinks her Good Cop routine might be a refreshing change from his Fascist Doucheface One Man Show. He tells her to get lost. Locke feeds Ben and Ben fucks with his head, as per usual. Ben says if Locke lets him go, he'll tell them everything they need to know about the boat. Flashback and Juliet and Goodwin have lunch on a secluded beach. Juliet doesn't want Ben to find out about their relationship. Goodwin tells her there is a mountain of poison gas a few yards away. Ben obviously trusts him or he wouldn't let him work with the deadly chemicals, right? Cut to Oceanic 815 crumbling over the island. Ben sends Goodwin off to infiltrate the survivors. Yeah, he trusts you, Goodwin. Cut to the present and Jack and Juliet find Kate lying on the ground. Jack helps her and Juliet runs off to get her some water. Kate tells him they had gas masks and Jack asks Juliet about it but she is nowhere to be seen. Back at the barracks, Ben shows Locke a video. It's grainy footage, taken covertly, maybe from a faraway balcony, of a man exiting a limousine. "This is Charles Widmore. This is the man whose boat is parked offshore. This is the man that's been trying to find the island." What the fuck? I guess that explains why he was buying the Black Rock journal. A man in a blindfold is dragged from the limo. Widmore beats the shit out of him. Then he looks up and points to the camera. Then static. "Three months ago in Gainesville, Florida, the Virgin Mary seemed to appear in a patch of mold on the side of an old housing complex. When the word got out, over 5,000 people came to see her face for themselves. You've survived an airline crash on this island. One minute, you're in a wheelchair. The next minute, you're doing jumping jacks. If 5,000 people came out to see a piece of mold, how many people do you think would come here to see you? Charles Widmore wants to exploit this island, and he'll do everything in his power to possess it." Ben hands Locke a folder and tells him everything he knows about Widmore is in it. Locke asks who his spy on the boat is. Meanwhile, Jack asks Kate what happened at Locke's. She says she stayed behind to find out if the people on the freighter knew she was wanted. They do. Meanwhile (again), Juliet approaches the Tempest. She puts down her bag, draws her gun, and slips quietly inside. Flashback and Juliet visits Ben. He pulls dinner out of the oven and she looks around and mentions how she thought this was a dinner party, but it turned out to be just the two of them. Real smoooooth, Benji. Suddenly, a whole new layer of creepy has just been added to Ben's personality. At dinner they talk about Zach and Emma (the kids abducted from the tail section of 815) and Juliet ponders the necessity of kidnapping children. "They're on the list." Oh, okay then. She asks about Goodwin and Ben tells her he's still undercover and not to worry. I'd worry if I were her. In the Tempest Julie sees Faraday in biosuit, working on a computer. An automated voice blurts out warnings. She yanks off his mask and asks him what he is doing. Faraday tells her he is trying to render the poison gas inert. She doesn't believe him. Then Charlotte punches her and there is a big fight. Faraday continues to work and Juliet eventually gets the better of Charlotte. She puts up her hands and says "Juliet, look me in the eye and tell me you are certain that Benjamin Linus wouldn't use this gas to kill everyone on this island. We know he's used it before. If you wanna stop us, you're gonna have to shoot us both." Faraday presses some buttons and the alarm shuts off and he says "That was a close one." Flashback and Ben tells Juliet she needs to come with him. He takes her to the jungle and shows her Goodwin's corpse. Juliet asks why she showed him Goodwin's corpse. "You mean instead of his wife?" he snarls. She asks him why he sent him undercover if he knew it was so dangerous. "After everything I did to get you here, after everything I've done to keep you here, how can you possibly not understand that you're mine?" Creepy! At the Tempest, Kate arrives and pulls her gun on Charlotte. Juliet tells her it's cool, they're on their side. WTF? She sure beat the fuck out of you for someone that's on your side. Wevs. Charlotte apologizes and offers to explain. Juliet tells Jack that these people have come here to fight Ben and when Ben wins Jack is not going to want to be anywhere near her. Jack says Ben can come find him if he wants. They hug. Back at the barracks, Hurley and Sawyer play horseshoes. Ben walks by and says "See you guys at dinner."

All I Want For Xmas Is 22 Million White House Emails

And who says Santa Claus isn't real?

Computer technicians have recovered about 22 million Bush administration e-mails that the White House had said were missing, two watchdog groups that sued over the documents announced Monday.

The e-mails date from 2003 to 2005, and had been "mislabeled and effectively lost," according to the National Security Archive, a research group based at George Washington University. The archive and the liberal-leaning Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, which sued over the issue in 2007, said Monday they will settle their lawsuit under an agreement with the Obama administration.

The controversy dates back to the Bush administration's 2006 firing of the top federal prosecutors in nine cities. After congressional committees demanded the administration produce documents related to the firings, the White House said millions of e-mails might have been lost from its servers.
Suddenly, my stocking is feeling mighty stuffed.

You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me

Human Events, a website for and by conservadouches, posted an offensive "parody" of the song "Feliz Navidad" entitled "Illegals In My Yard." Check out these charming lyrics:

Illegals in my yard.
Illegals in my yard.
They’re going to spread bubonic plague this Christmas.
They’re going to bring me lots of bed bugs this Christmas.
They’re going to pass tuberculosis this Christmas.
Those illegals in my yard.
Listen to the whole thing. Or don't. It's vile.


Radio Shakesville

New podcast:

Episode 14: Fever

Here is a link to the podcast blog where you can download the show.

And this is the list of all songs used in this week's ep.

You can also play the show in a pop-up.

The show is available via iTunes, and on Feedburner. The RSS is here, for those who are into that kind of thing.


Review: Dexter Season Four Season Finale

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Or, Back to the Future

[Originally Aired February 28, 2008]

Frank pilots the copter away from the island. He has a note with a compass bearing written on it. Sayid asks about it, wondering if Frank knows where the boat is. He also wonders why they're flying straight into a storm. Frank tells him to shut up. Sayid asks Dez if that is Penny in his photo. Aye. Then there is turbulence and the chopper rattles and Frank tells everyone to hold on. Cut to Dez in a military barracks and the drill sergeant is screaming and Dez is slow to get out of his bunk so Sgt. Screamalot gets in his face and asks what his problem was. Dez seems a little confused and says he was having a dream. What about, he asks. "I was in a helicopter, sir. And there was a storm, sir. And I don't remember the rest, sir." The sarge sends them all out into the rain and makes them do push-ups because of Dez. Cut back to the copter and they're coming out of the storm and Dez looks at Sayid and asks "Who are you? How do you know my name?" Uh oh. Back on the beach Juliet and Jack grill Charlotte and Faraday about their missing friends. Charlotte doesn't seem to give a shit. Faraday is nicer and tries to explain things. "Your perception of how long your friends have been gone, it's not necessarily how long they've actually been gone." What the fuck does that mean? He adds that their friends will be fine so long as they followed the coordinates. If not? "Then there might be side effects." And what the fuck does that mean? On the chopper Dez is freaking out and Frank tells Sayid to calm him down so they don't crash. Frank lands the chopper on the boat. Two crewmen (Keamy and Omar) approach and want to know who the fuck Dez and Sayid are and then want to know why they were brought to the boat. Dez is still freaking out. Keamy says he's gonna take Dez to the sick bay and then suddenly he's back in Scotland in the Mounties or whatever bullshit excuse they have for an army up there. He gets his platoon sent on a run and later one of his comrades asks him what is going on. "This morning, when I was in the yard doing crunches, I left. I was on a boat. And then I was back here, right where I started." Dez wanders off to make a phone call and a soldier bumps into him knocking his change to the ground. Back on the boat, Dez scours the floor trying to pick up the coins. "What am I doing here? Who are you people?" he asks. Keamy introduces himself and Omar and they tell him he's going to be okay and they say they're pretty sure they're in the South Pacific somewhere, since their last stop was Fiji. They lock Dez up in the sick bay and tell him the doc will be in shortly. He looks across the room and Fisher Stevens is there and he is doing his best to become the next Tracey Walter, from the looks of things. He's strapped to a bed. Up on deck Sayid asks Frank what is going on with Dez. He doesn't know. So Sayid asks "Then perhaps you'll share how we took off at dusk and landed in the middle of the day." What the fuck? Frank tells Sayid to trust him, he's trying to help. Sayid asks to use the phone and Frank agrees if he'll hand over the gun. They swap and Sayid calls Jack. Jack puts him on speaker phone and Sayid tells them they're on the freighter but Dez isn't well now. "Side effects?" Faraday asks if Dez has recently been exposed to high levels of radiation or electromagnetism. Does the hatch meltdown count? Faraday explains "We don't know why, but going to and coming from the island, some people can get a little... confused." On the boat, the doctor arrives and it's the guy who plays Ecklie on CSI, and he's still got that same disinterested air about him. Like, hey, I'm here to help you, unless something better comes up. Fisher Steven tells the doc (Ray) he's not crazy and that everyone on the boat is going to get sick too, just like him and Dez so the doc shoots him full of sedatives. Ray asks Dez what's the last thing he remembers. And suddenly Dez is in a phone booth and he calls Penny and she's not happy to hear from him. "You broke up with me and then you joined the army. And now you call with the expectation that I still care about you?" He asks to come see her, and she says don't bother, she's moved and hangs up. Cut back to the boat and Ray asks "Did you just experience something, Desmond?" Then Frank and Sayid show up. Faraday wants to talk to Dez. There's a ruckus and Ray sounds the alarm and Dez gets on the phone with Faraday who asks what year he thinks it is. "It's 1996." Oh, that can't be good. He asks Dez where he thinks he is. Glasgow. "When it happens again, Desmond, I need you to get on a train. Get on a train and go to Oxford, Oxford University, Queens College Physics Department. I need you to find me." Then he tells does to tell Faraday From the Past "to set the device to 2.342 oscillating at eleven hertz." Okay. And if that doesn't work, tell him about Eloise. Then Keamy and Omar kick in the door and snatch the phone away from Dez. Flashback, I guess, and Dez is at Oxford and he sees Faraday. But Faraday has long hair and is wearing one those jackets with the patches on the elbows. I hate those jackets. Dez explains he's just been to the future and that Faraday told him to tell Faraday to help him but Faraday isn't buying it. Until Dez mentions Eloise. Faraday shows him his lab and introduces him to Eloise, a rat. If the numbers Dez gave Faraday are correct, then Eloise will become "unstuck in time." What the fuck does that mean? Faraday puts Eloise in a rat maze, punches the numbers Dez gave him into a machine, and zaps the rat with some sort of thing that looks like one of those lights at a dentist's office, but this one squirts out light the same color as when Dez blew up the hatch. Eloise goes rigid and Faraday explains who her consciousness has travelled in time. After a moment she seems to wake up and Faraday watches her run through the maze. She travels all the way through without making a single wrong turn. Faraday is thrilled. Dez isn't sure what the big deal is until Faraday tells him he isn't teaching her the maze until later in the day. Back on the boat Keamy and Omar lock Sayid and Dez up in the sick bay and take Frank to see the captain. Fisher Stevens interrupts and introduces himself as Minkowski and tells Dez how every once in a while they'd get messages on the boat that he wasn't allowed to answer. Messages from Penny. Dez wakes up back in Past Faraday's lab and sees that Eloise is dead. Faraday thinks she couldn't tell the difference between the past and future, she had no anchor, and her brain short-circuited. He tells Dez he needs to find his anchor, his constant, in the future, and if he can do that, he'll be okay. Back on the boat, Dez says he need to call Penny. Minkowski tells them that is impossible, "Two days ago, someone sabotaged all the equipment. We lost all communication with the mainland. I probably could have fixed it, but then I went nuts." Sayid thinks he could give it a shot, if they could get to the comm room. If they could get out of the room. Minkowski suggests the door. He points and they see someone has quietly unlocked the door. "Looks like you guys have a friend on this boat." Back in Scotland Dez visits an auction house. The auctioneer describes the item up currently for grabs. "The Black Rock set sail from Portsmith England on March 22, 1845 on a trading mission to the kingdom of Siam, when she was tragically lost at sea. The only known artifact of this journey is the journal of the ship's first mate, which was discovered among the artifacts of pirates on the Ile Sante-Marie off the coast of Madagascar seven years later. The contents of this journal have never been made public, or known to anyone outside the family of the seller, Tovard Hanso." What the hell? The item is sold to for £380K to Charles Widmore. What the hell? As Widmore leaves Dez approaches and asks if he'll tell him where Penny is. Sure, he says, that way she can tell him to go to hell herself. Back on the boat Minkowski leads them to the radio room. Dez asks how Mink got all fucked up. "We were anchored here. Waiting for our orders. Bored out of our minds. Me and Brandon, he's one of the crew members, we took out the ship's tender. We just wanted to see the island. But Brandon started acting crazy so we had to turn around. Now he's in a body bag." They find the radio room. It's trashed. Who did this? No one knows, but when the captain finds out, it won't be pretty, Mink assures them. Then he has a seizure and dies. Damn. Dez looks at a calendar on the wall and realizes it is almost Christmas 2004. Then Dez is at Penny's new house and he asks for her phone number. She's doesn't want to give it to him. He promises not to call for eight years, not until Christmas Eve 2004. It doesn't make any sense, he agrees, but he begs for the number. Penny gives it to him just so he'll leave. Back on the boat Sayid gets a phone rigged up to a battery. He says it won't last long. Dez calls the number and Penny picks up. Yay! Finally, something good happens. He says he's been on an island. She knows about the island, that she's been looking for him for three years. And after speaking to Charlie she knew he wasn't dead. She promises to find him. He promises not to give up hope. "I love you." Then the phone goes dead. Dez says "Thank you, Sayid. It was enough." Sayid asks if he's alright. "Perfect." Back on the island Faraday looks at his notebook. Written down are the words "If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant."