Monday, August 31, 2009

In Which I Substitute A Chain-Mail Questionaire For An Actual Post

These things get passed around fairly often, and I tend to ignore them. Usually, my answer would be "None of your god-damned business" to every question on one of these things. But today, an earlier respondent filled in #56 with "definitely not Deeky" so I went ahead and filled mine in. Out of spite. At Liss' urging I share this with you. Still, I think, the answers here are none of your god-damned business, but I'm in a giving mood, so there you have it.

Welcome to the 2009 edition of getting to know your Friends. Blah blah blah:

1. What time did you get up this morning? one of the cats woke me up about 4:30
2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds are a girl's best friend
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Inglourious Basterds
4. What is your favorite TV show? Breaking Bad
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? nothing
6. What is your middle name? Ramón
7. What food do you dislike? McDonalds
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? Narrow Stairs by Death Cab For Cutie
9. What kind of car do you drive? Saturn
10. Favorite sandwich? club sandwich
11. What characteristic do you despise? piety
12. Favorite item of clothing? my blue necktie
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Prague
14. Favorite brand of clothing? Kenneth Cole
15. Where would you retire to? Prague
16. What was your most memorable birthday? 2002
17. What is your favorite sport to watch? I hate sports
18. Furthest place you are sending this? St. Louis
19. Person you expect to send it back first? who knows?
20. When is your birthday? November
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? night
23. Pets? ten fish, various species
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? nope
25. What did you want to be when you grow up? an astronaut
26. How are you today? overdressed
27. What is your favorite candy? peanut butter cups
28. What is your favorite flower? aster
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? none, at the moment
30. What are you listening to right now? "I Want a Boy for My Birthday" by the Cookies (from 1963)
31. What was the last thing you ate? filet mignon
32. Do you wish on stars? nope
33. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? vermillion
34. How is the weather right now? how would I know? I'm stuck in a basement with no windows.
35. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? no one yet
36. Favorite soft drink? Cactus Cooler™
37. Favorite restaurant? A.J.'s steakhouse, Las Vegas
38. Real hair color? Reddish-brown
39. What was your favorite toy as a child? my Chewbacca action figure (because he was taller than the rest)
40. Summer or winter? Fall
41. Hugs or kisses? please don't touch me, thanks
42. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla covered in chocolate
43. Coffee or tea? coffee
44. Do you want your friends to email you back? not particularly
45. When was the last time you cried? I don't recall
46. What is under your bed? a suitcase full of letters from my husband
47. What did you do last night? moved furniture around
48. What are you afraid of? not much
49. Salty or sweet? no preference
50. How many keys on your key ring? two
51. How many years at your current job? six
52. Favorite day of the week? none
53. How many towns have you lived in? nine
54. Do you make friends easily? I'm a misanthrope
55. How many people will you send this to? not sure yet
56. How many will respond? see # 44

News From Ft. Worth

Following up on a post I wrote a couple months ago, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission has fired three agents involved in the June raid on a gay bar.

As you may recall, the raid happened to coincide with the anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, and left one patron in critical condition.

Two agents were fired for failing "to report that they used force when arresting the customer or that he was seriously injured" and for "participating in the raid without their supervisor's approval, disrupting the business during the raid and wearing improper attire." Their supervisor was fired for failing "to ensure that the agents submitted a report on using force during the arrest, did not take appropriate action after learning they didn't wear proper attire during the raid and did not notify supervisors that multiple arrests had been made that night."

Two others were also disciplined.

A report addressing whether the agents' use of force was appropriate during the raid is expected to be released in September.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Civic Pride

I live in a pretty cool and fairly progressive town, all things considered. We've a crazy tree-hugging mayor whose pants are so spunked up over reducing congestion and pollution he's spent most of the city's money painting bike lanes everywhere (as we're trying to scrape together money to pay for firing up street-lights (oh, and did I mention we've a problem with street crime here? Never mind that!)) We've three colleges downtown (including one of the finest journalism schools in the Midwest), a huge student population, a book store called The Peace Nook, two gay bars, and every one of our Quiznos have gone out of business. I mention that last bit partly because the space one formerly occupied has found a new tenant. This is a pretty cool town, but every once in a while something like this comes along:

This is one business I will not be supporting.

God Bless America Japan

Pepsi Ice Cucumber. For a limited time only. ¥200.


Thursday, August 27, 2009


Or, Holy. Fucking. Shit.

[Originally Aired May 3, 2006]

Flashback and Ana is at the morgue with her mom-boss looking at the corpse of the man she murdered. Mom knows Ana killed him, and also knows the investigation will go nowhere. Ana says she'll get a lawyer, and mom says she doesn't need one, but she does need to respect the badge. Ana quits. Later, she's working for the NTSB as an airport security agent. After her shift she meets Old Man Shephard in the airport lounge. He tells he how his son ratted him out. She tells him she used to be a cop. He asks her to come to Sydney with him and act as his bodyguard. She asks him why the fuck she should do that. Fate, he says. In the hatch, Ana brings Fake Henry some food, and when he mumbles something, she leans in to hear. He attacks her and tries to kill her, saying she killed two of the Others, who were good people. Locke hits Fake Henry with his crutch and knocks him out, saving Ana. Later, Locke returns to the cell and asks Fake Henry why he didn't bash in his skull when he was trapped under the blast door. Fake Henry tells him that is because Locke is a good person, and when he was captured he was on his way to bring him into the Others' fold. What? Locke would have to be a real dumbass to believe that. He probably does. Kate and Jack return with Michael and start nursing him back to health. Jack asks Ana about her injury but Locke tells her it was his fault, just an accident. In flashback Old Man Shephard gets piss drunk and demands Ana drive him to the suburbs where he confronts a woman at her home. Shephard mumbles about how he's paid the mortgage and has every right to see his daughter. Jebus. Before things get out of control Ana drags him back to the car. In the jungle Ana asks Sawyer for a gun and he tells her to get one from Jack, then the two wrassle around a bit and then fuck. But this is TV so we don't see the fucking, but it is implied with discarded clothes on the jungle floor. Speaking of fucking, Hurley asks Sayid to borrow the radio so he can re-enact Say Anything and get in Libby's pants. Sayid tells him to take her to the beach where he first humped Shannon. Hurley tries to pack a surprise picnic but kind of fucks it up. He says he hopes to remember where he knows her from. So he takes her into the jungle and gets lost while she makes Hanna Barbera jokes. They eventually find the beach but it's the same beach they left and Hurley isn't sure until Libby points out Jin fishing a few feet away. Libby suggests they just spread out their blanket where they are and Hurley is all "Blanket?" No wonder this dude can't get laid. Libby heads off to find a blanket and Jin gives Hurley the thumbs up. Michael wakes up and tells them how he found the Others and how they're all raggedy and only have two pistols and they should go attack them soon. Kate looks a little suspicious. Nonetheless she, Jack and Locke go to Sawyer and tell him to turn over the guns. Sawyer says fuck no, and Jack sticks his gun in Sawyer's face and Sawyer reaches for his gun and realizes Ana took it earlier. Locke suddenly realizes he needs to tell Jack about the incident between her and Fake Henry now that she is alone with him with a gun. In Australia, Ana tries to talk Old Man Shephard out of drinking, but has no luck. As he exits the car, Shep bumps into Sawyer. Later, at the airport, Ana calls mom and tells her she wants to come home. Jack is there, again, pleading with the counter agent to let him put his father on the plane. Jin is in line. Then so is Ana. In the hatch, Ana gives Fake Henry a knife and tells him to cut himself free. He does and she aims the gun at him. Uh oh. Cut to a short while later, Ana sits alone holding the gun. Michael approaches, and she tells him she was unable to kill him. Michael says he'll do it, they took his boy, he'll kill Fake Henry. Ana hands him the gun and tells him the combo. "I'm sorry, " he says. "For what?" she asks. Michael shoots her in the chest. Libby walks in, blanket in hand, screams at Michael and he plugs her three or four times. Holy fucking shit. Michael opens the door and stares at Fake Henry for a bit. Then he turns the gun and shoots himself.

More Facts!

Shake it, baby, shake it!Top six gayest robots (in descending order):

1. C-3PO

2. Data

3. Maria

4. The Westworld Cowboy

5. The Phantom Creep (A.K.A. The Iron Man)

6. Robby

That is all.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Or, Everyone Deserves A Flashback

[Originally Aired April 12, 2006]

Rose and Bernard stock the Gilligan shelves with food from the parachute and Bernard asks Rose if this bothers her. She doesn't look a gift parachute in the mouth, and Bernard is pissy because he thinks everyone has given up on being rescued. In flashback, Rose's car is stuck in the snow until Bernard comes along and helps her unstick it. She asks him for out for coffee. Later, Rose and Bernard are at Niagara Falls and Bernard gets down on his knee and asks her to marry him. She replies with "I'm dying." Bernard is stunned at first and then reminds her "You never answered my question." At the hatch, Locke scribbles on paper, trying to remember the drawings on the blast door. Jack has to remind him to push the button. Meanwhile Ana asks Fake Henry about Walt. Fake Henry says the Others will never give him back. On the beach, Bernard rounds up some survivors and gives them an inspiring lecture about being rescued. Because everyone loves a lecture. He cons some of the survivors into helping him create a giant S.O.S. sign on the beach out of lava rocks. Rose tells him he should run this by Jack, and the two argue more. Jack decides to head to the jungle to find the Others and asks Kate to go with him. In the Aussie outback, Rose and Bernard enjoy their honeymoon until Bernard reveals he's donated $10,000 to a faith healer to cure Rose's cancer. Rose is pissed. They visit the faith healer but he tells Rose he can't help her, and offers to return the money. Rose tells him to keep the money, and says she'll tell Bernard he helped her anyway. In the hatch Locke asks Ana to open the door so he can talk to Fake Henry. She says no, so Locke just yells at him through the door, demanding to know if he pushed the button or not. Bernard tries to recruit more help, but Charlie and Eko refuse to halt construction on their church. Slowly, Bernard's crew dwindles to nothing, and he is alone trying to drag black lava rocks to the shore. He blames Rose for undermining him, and the two bicker more until Bernard says she wouldn't even be alive if it weren't for him. Jerk. In the jungle Kate finds a doll on the jungle and Jack tells her to leave it be but she's in dumbass mode and when she picks it up the two are snatched up into a net. Jack asks her if she's deaf. Kate comments that the net is not sophisticated enough to belong to the Others and must be one of Rousseau's. The two take turns trying to shoot the rope, and when they finally do, they end up all tangled up and sexy and lying on top of each other. Hawtness. On the beach, Rose and Locke chat, and Locke says he's done with the hatch but Rose reminds him how the island has healed him before and soon he'll be his same-old self. Later Rose apologizes to Bernard, telling him how the faith healer didn't help her and she's just lied about it to make him happy. But she says since the crash her cancer has disappeared. She does not want to leave the island. Bernard stops working on his sign and agrees to stay with her here forever. Flashback to the airport and Rose drops one of her prescription bottles. Locke wheels by, leans over, picks it up and hands it back to her. In the jungle Jack screams and yells for the Others to come out. Kate tells him she is sorry for kissing him. He's not. Then he asks what she meant about the net not being sophisticated, and she tells him about the medical hatch and the costumes and the fake beard. As night falls, the two hear someone or something in the brush. What the hell? Michael stumbles into their camp and collapses.

Monday, August 24, 2009

God Bless America

Obama, sneakers and basketball. $39.99. (Watch the video at the link.)


Sunday, August 23, 2009


Or, A Glitch In The Matrix

[Originally Aired April 5, 2006]

Hurley and Libby jog on the beach. Hurley has a hard time keeping up. Libby tells him it's okay, he's not going to lose weight instantly. Then he confesses he's "sick," showing her his secret stash of food. I love how he's even built a shelving unit out of tree branches to store it in. Seriously, it's straight out of Gilligan's Island. Hurley tells Libby he hates the food and wishes he could get rid of it. Why doesn't he then? she asks. Hurley smashes all the food and flings ranch dressing like he's in a bukake video. Libby and he cheer as Hurley seems to have made a breakthrough. And then everyone comes running through the jungle heading to the parachute drop. Well, shit, they're back to square one. Everyone squabbles over the food and someone suggests Hurley be put in charge of it again. He freaks out. A man in a bathrobe stands nearby smiling at Hurley. What the hell? Hurley darts after the mystery man. He disappears, leaving behind only his slipper. Flashback and Hurley is at the psychiatric hospital talking to Wyck from Seinfeld. I guess he became a doctor after running the Susan Ross Foundation. Good for him. Wyck asks Hurley about his diet and his mom. Hurley says his not mad at her for checking him in. Hurley hasn't done his homework assignment, creating a list of things he likes about himself. Then Wyck and Hurley bicker about Dave, a friend of Hurley's the doctor considers a bad influence. Later Hurley finds Dave playing basketball with some other patients. He's the guy Hurley saw in the jungle. Dave warns Hurley to not let Wyck get into his head, he also advises against taking his meds. Dave is a bad influence. Locke and Jack discuss "Henry" with Locke defending him for not escaping when he had the chance. Jack suggests he didn't escape because he thought the balloon story would check out. Kate and Jack suggest Locke use a wheelchair they found in the crash. Locke refuses. They offer to bring him some crutches instead. "Henry" is in the arms locker again, but now he is tied to the walls, very dungeony. Sayid and Ana interrogate him, and "Henry" at first balks. He says he found Original Henry dead in the basket. Until Sayid whips out a twenty dollar bill that Original Henry wrote, indicating he didn't die in the basket at all. "Henry" finally gives in saying if he tells them anything that he'll be in trouble with "him." Ana asks if "him" is the Cap'n. Cap'n's just a peon. Cap'n wishes he was "him." Must be why he wears a fake beard. Sayid threatens to shoot "Henry" and "Henry" freaks out saying he can't shoot him because he's a good person. Sayid shoots him anyway. Or tries to. Ana knocks the gun out of the way just in time. Locke freaks out at the sound of the gunshot. Sayid is escorted from the holding cell. Jack tells Locke to shut up, that he's got everything under control. At the hospital Hurley plays connect four with Leonard. Hurley snacks on celery until Dave goads him into stealing some of Leonard's Graham crackers. Then Wyck shows up and asks to take their picture for the bulletin board. Wyck snaps a Polaroid of Hurley with his arm around Dave. In the jungle Eko is sawing down trees. Charlie asks him what he's building, but Eko doesn't say. Sure ain't a boat. Probably a church. Meanwhile Hurley asks Sawyer for some dolls. Sawyer asks why. So Hurley will stop hallucinating. (Didn't Sawyer lose all the meds last week?) Sawyer asks what he's seeing, and Hurley says a bald dude in a bathrobe. "You mean that guy over there?" Hurley turns around "Gotcha!" Hurley pounces on Sawyer and beats the shit out if him. Is Sawyer's new role community punching bag? Later Hurley decides to move back to the caves to live like a crazy, naked hermit. As he walks through the jungle his backpack busts open spilling peanut butter all over the place. Hurley eats the goo off the ground. Until Dave shows up, asking for his slipper back. At the hospital Hurley and Wyck look over his homework, a list of things Hurley likes about himself. Wyck asks why he didn't list anything about his looks. Hurley shrugs and says he can't do anything about it. Wyck says that after the accident, he went catatonic. Except he never stopped eating. Hurley eats to punish himself. Hurley says he killed two people. Wyck tells him the deck was only meant to hold eight people, and there were twenty-three out there, it would have collapsed anyway. Hurley ain't buying it. Then Wyck shows him the picture he took the other day. Hurley is in it. Alone. His arm around no one. WHAT! Dave is a figment of his imagination. Damn, I did not see that coming. Later, Dave wakes Hurley and tries to sneak him out of the hospital. They open a window and Dave climbs out. Hurley tells him he knows Dave isn't real, and closes the window on Dave, locking his imaginary buddy outside. At the hatch, Locke asks "Henry" why he didn't escape when he had the chance. "God knows how long you've been on the island," Locke ponders. "God doesn't know," says "Henry." God can't see the island and no can anyone else, says "Henry." He then confesses he never even entered the numbers, that the clock just reset itself all on it's own. In the jungle, Dave explains to Hurley that he's in a coma. That this is all a dream. The lottery, the crash, the island. And all he has to do to wake up is jump off this cliff. Fuck. To prove his point, I guess, Dave flings himself to the sea and rocks below. As Hurley stares off the cliff, Libby shows up and tells him to come back. Hurley claims she's not real. That this is all a dream. There is no way a woman like her would like a man like him. He says maybe the reason she seemed so familiar to him was because she was all made up in his head. Libby asks him about the guy on the other side of the island with the broken leg who she helped after the crash. He has no idea what she's talking about. Exactly! That's because it happened to her, and not in his head, and so this is all real. Hurley and Libby kiss. Back at the hospital, we see Hurley having his picture taken, arm around no one, but from a different point of view. From the point of view of one of the other patients there: Libby! Damn, I did not see that coming.

Your Host, Circa 1989

Nice beret there, Lucky Pierre.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Headline of the Day

"Pink-Clad Pooch Stolen from Gay Bar by Man With Britney Tattoo." That, my friends, is perfection.


Turning Point Needs Your Help

[I'm bumping this back up to the top for those who may have missed it earlier in the week. I want to thank everyone who has already contributed. Thanks so much! And if anyone else can send a few bucks their way, please do.]

This morning I received the following email from a good friend of mine. Joe works for Turning Point, a Chicago-area center serving women and children who are victims of domestic violence. Turning Point provides a help line, shelter, and courtroom advocacy to victims of abuse.

Funding for Turning Point has been drastically slashed, and some of the services they provide are in danger. Please read Joe's message below, and if you can help, please do. Remember, no donation is too small.
Since 2005, I've been working for Turning Point, a non-profit located in Woodstock Illinois that provides services to victims of domestic violence. We see about 1700 people a year as "walk-in clients" and can house twenty-one women and children a night in the area's only secure shelter. And I do mean secure — these victims are fleeing serious violence in their homes, often with only the clothes on their back (or what they can carry) to our shelter with bulletproof glass and double security doors. We rely on a mix of private donations, private and government grants and government funding. That funding provides individual and group counseling, legal and other advocacy, emergency food & shelter, a partner abuse intervention program and a myriad other services for victims. We provide 24 hour service and our trained advocates often go out in the middle of the night to a hospital emergency room or police station where a victim needs help. That's what we do.

Late in 2008, we got word that the federal government was not renewing a $170,000 annual grant to fund our Law Enforcement Advocacy program (LEAP). This program funds our courtroom advocacy, after-hours orders of protection, police trainings and ride-alongs (going out with Police to train them how to better deal with their most common call: Domestic Violence). We were able to temporarily continue these services through a combination of belt-tightening and some additional community support but we recently were forced to make cuts in this program. It was painful, but we really don't have a choice: if new funds are not forthcoming, we cannot continue to deliver the full slate of services we have been. There isn't a lot of "fat" to trim from the Turning Point budget.

As I write this, the Illinois budget is supposedly settled, but we have still not been told how much our state funding will be cut, only that it will be cut. This is the second consecutive year Turning Point's State of Illinois funding has been cut. Other agencies in the county have already announced big service cuts, program cuts and are even cutting the number of clients they can serve. We have eliminated two positions in our courthouse office and cut back staff hours in the shelter. These cuts were chosen as the ones that would impact our agency services the least. These cuts will not be enough if funding continues to decrease. Can you imagine a day when a victim of Domestic violence summons the courage to ask for help only to be told that Turning Point isn't accepting new clients right now? That day is coming if we do not do something.

Since the beginning of 2009, five women and children with a connection to our county have been murdered in incidents of domestic violence*. Thirty-four percent of adult female homicide victims are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends — about 1500 women each year. We can not cut back now on the programs that help keep these people safe.

The need is so great and the situation is so urgent, I have to ask: Can you help? "Take a Stand for Turning Point" is Turning Point's biggest fundraiser and a great opportunity to get our message out to the world. Our local radio station Star 105.5 spends 36 hours on the air, telling our story and asking for donations. Each year that we have done this, in addition to an outpouring of donations, victims come forward after hearing about Turning Point on the radio. Our first radiothon had been on the air about an hour in 2006 when a woman pulled up, crying. She had been in an abusive relationship for years, but had been too scared to ask for help. She sat with a Turning Point Advocate in that parking lot, and for the first time, got the help she needed to end the violence in her own home.

If you can help, this is the time to do it. No donation is too small or too big:

1. $5 can buy a ream of printer paper that might be used to write an order of protection, stopping the violence in one home for one family.

2. $50 provides one session of counseling for a victim in crisis: One session might connect her to services that could potentially save her life.

3. $600 is enough to provide crisis intervention, legal advocacy, and non-legal advocacy for one "walk-in" victim of domestic violence who comes to Turning Point for help rebuilding her life.

4. $1800 provides 35 hours of counseling for a child who has witnessed or experienced violence in their home. Children in abusive homes tend to model their parents and grow up to be in abusive relationships as adults without counseling and early intervention.

5. $2,700 provides emergency shelter and supportive services for one victim of domestic violence who had to flee their home in order to be safe. Staying in the Turning point Shelter isn't just "bed & board." Residents get individual and group counseling and often job training, parenting classes, financial counseling- whatever they need to successfully transition to peaceful, healthy homes of their own. In the short term, that shelter saves lives; in the long term, staying there can also CHANGE lives.

There are several ways you can make a donation (which is tax deductible as allowed by law):

1. Write a check and mail it to Turning Point, PO Box 723, Woodstock IL 60098.

2. Make an on-line donation by going to our website. You can click on that "Donate Now" link and make a contribution with a credit or bank card. (There is also a lot more information about Turning Point at the site.)

3. If you are on Facebook, you can visit the Turning Point page, become a supporter and make an online contribution there.

4. The event is held LIVE on air Friday August 28 and Saturday August 29. You can stop by Sam's Club in Crystal Lake and make a donation in person. Or call in (during those two days only- phones are live 6 AM Friday until 6 PM Saturday, 8/28-29 ONLY) on our donation hotlines 815-276-9499 or 815-549-6655.

5. Or call Turning Point during business hours and give us the information: (815) 338 8081.

I know times are hard all over. If you can make a donation, believe me it will be much appreciated and put to good use. If you can't, I certainly understand, you don't need to explain or apologize. I know a lot of good causes are hitting hard times these days and the begging is fast and furious!

If you think of someone you know who you think can help, feel free to pass this on. The internet is a powerful tool. Thanks for reading to the bottom and I promise it will be a long, long time before I write one of these again!

Thank you,

Joe Kvidera
Turning Point
Shakers, if you can in any way help, please do. Again, no donation is too small. Every little bit helps keep these valuable and necessary services available to the women and children who depend on them. Thank you.

* As Joe noted to me later, McHenry County is a rural area in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago: mostly farming and commuters into the city. "It's a small town place- les than 400,000 in the whole county which is why 5 people getting killed here is huge deal- we usually don't' have 5 murders a year, much less 5 people dead of domestic violence."

Thursday, August 20, 2009

It's A Fact!

Dance Motherfucker Dance!Top six (verifiable) monsters in order of righteousness:

1. Werewolves

2. Black Lagoon creatures

3. Mummies/Frankensteins (tie)

5. Chupacabra

6. Draculas (AKA los Vampiros)

That is all.



Or, What Goes Up Must Come Down

[Originally Aired March 29, 2006]

Locke prepares a surprise picnic lunch for his girlfriend Peg Bundy as she reads the morning's obituaries. He hides an engagement ring in the picnic basket, and Peg asks "What was your father's name?" He's dead. In the hatch, Locke and Jack glare at Henry over his what-would-I-do-if-I-were-an-Other scenario. Henry claims it was a bad joke, and Locke shrugs saying it it too late now anyway. The searchers are a day away. What's done is done. Jack, annoyed, heads down to the beach, telling Locke to throw Henry in the lockup as he leaves. Henry asks Locke why he lets Jack talk to him like that. Locke gets pissed and he shoves Henry back in his prison. At the beach Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer are playing Dharma poker. Well, regular poker, but with Dharma cards. Those folks brand everything, don't they? Jack tells Hurley to fold, telling him what he's holding. He then reveals he knows Kate's hand too. He's like Matt Damon in Rounders. Sawyer gets pissed and tells Jack to join the game. The two bicker and Kate suggests she go find a ruler and settle this once and for all. Peg and Locke are at the cemetery, it's funeral time. Peg jokes that maybe his dad left him a kidney. Locke and Peg are the only attendees. Except for those two sketchy looking thugs over behind that tree. And whoever is in that Mercedes with the tinted windows. The priest asks if Locke wants to say anything. Locke whispers to the casket "I forgive you." In the jungle Sayid and Charlie and Ana search in the rain for Henry's balloon. As they're about to give up, they stumble across a makeshift grave. As they stare at the grave, Ana asks why it isn't raining where they're standing. They look up: Tangled in the trees above is a balloon and basket. At the hatch Locke rides the stationary bike and cranks up the Geronimo Jackson. Good times. But then he hears something. Like static maybe. He turns off the hi-fi. More static. Henry asks what that is. Locke tells him to shut the hell up. He checks the dome. The computer is fine. 47 minutes to go. He wanders around and sees a loudspeaker and hears the crackly voice emanating from it. He grabs a screwdriver and starts monkey with it. It starts coming clear. "Six, five, four, three..." A countdown! Uh oh. That can't be good. Suddenly the blast doors start to drop. Locke slips a crowbar under the exit door, just as it closes. In flashback, Locke is working, now a home inspector, his client is Nadia (damn!) and as he finishes the job he sees the mysterious Mercedes parked nearby. Locke approaches, the window rolls down, and behind the wheel is Locke's father. Huh. The two have a drink at a bar and Locke asks dad what the hell is going on. Dad has conned two guys out of $700,000 and has it stashed in a safe deposit box. He wants Locke to fetch the money for him. Locke is skeptical, but takes the key anyway. On the beach, Jack and Sawyer play poker for all the mangos. Jack has all the mangos. And bananas. And papayas. Sawyer is busted. Sawyer wants another shot at winning and agrees to play for the meds he stole. Meanwhile, the other islanders watch from a distance, like that Bette Midler song. Jack calls Sawyer's bluff, goes all in. Sawyer refuses to fold, not wanting to look like a douche in front of everyone. Jack wins all the medicine. Sawyer asks him why he didn't play for the guns. Jack says when the time comes and he needs the guns, he'll get them. Locke asks Henry to help him open the hatch. Henry agrees, so long as Locke agrees to protect him from the other survivors no matter what. The two use some weightlifting equipment to pry the door up about a foot. Henry slides a toolbox under the door to keep it open. Then Locke starts to squeeze himself under the door, but as he's pushing himself through the crack, the toolbox gives and the door starts to come down, crushing Locke's legs. If it ain't one thing it's another with Locke's legs, isn't it? Henry shoves some weights under the door and stops the door from falling further. Henry tries to pull Locke free but he's speared on a bolt. He's not going anywhere. Back in California, Locke visits the bank, and finds the $700,000 in the safe deposit box. He bags it up and heads home. He runs into the kitchen and tells Peg to get dressed, they're going out for a night on the town. She tells him they have company. The two sketchy dudes from the graveyard are there. They ask if Locke has seen his dad. Locke plays dumb. They tell him dad isn't dead, and then demand to see what is in his bag. They dump it out, but it only contains work stuff. How'd he go from working in a toy store to being a home inspector? Seems a major career change. Peg asks if he was telling the truth about not seeing his dad. He lies. In the hatch Locke tells Henry he has to climb through the ducts and get to the dome to computer. Henry asks what the computer does. Locke doesn't know, just that the button has to be pushed. Locke sends Henry up through the vent in the pantry, but Henry falls and knocks himself out. When he wakes Locke sends him up through the ductwork. The alarm beeps, Henry is running out of time. Near LAX Locke meets his father at a motel with the money. Dad leaves him $200K, and says it won't make up for what he's done. Locke claims he didn't do it for the money. Dad shrugs and says if he doesn't take the money the maid sure will. As dad heads out the door, he bumps into Peg. She slaps him. Then leaves. Locke follows her to the parking lot. She's pissed he lied. Again. He drops to his knee and finally proposes. She shakes her head and leaves. Dad leaves. Locke is all alone now. So, did he go back to the room for the money? In the hatch, the alarm blares, and the lights cut out. Locke lies in the dark. A moment later, black lights come on, and for the first time Locke sees something scrawled on the door. What the fuck? It looks like someone scribbled a map on the wall. I bet a Geronimo Jackson poster would look awesome under this light. The regular lights pop back on, the doors start to raise. Locke becomes unspeared. In the jungle Kate stops Jack and tells him she liked how he won against Sawyer. He's aloof. She asks to use the shower at the hatch. He tells her the plumbing is busted. A light flickers in the distance. The two investigate and find a parachute, and flashing beacon and a crate full of Dharma groceries. What? While they're puzzling over it, Sayid and Charlie and Ana appear from the brush. What the fuck is that, Charlie asks. Dharma Mac & Cheeze, explains Kate. Jack asks what they found on the other side of the island. Henry helps Locke to his feet and Locke expresses surprise at him having stayed. Locke asks Henry how he got the doors to open, and Henry says he didn't so anything other than enter the code. Locke wonders if it is random. Then Jack and Sayid and Kate and Charlie and Ana enter and they grab Henry. Locke tells everyone to calm down, that he let Henry out. Sayid tells everyone how they found the balloon, and the grave, but that he still didn't believe Henry's story. So he dug up the grave, finding not a woman but a man. On the corpse was Henry Gale's ID. The man on the card is clearly not their prisoner.


Get some Cap'n Sig™ fish and cheese bites! Available wherever fish and cheese bites are sold. It's almost lunchtime, ain't it?


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Random YouTubery

How Masturbation Effects the Body and Eyes



Or, More Lies

[Originally Aired March 22, 2006]

Jin and Sun are about the get their fuck on. Sun likes to get her fuck on. Jin only wants to procreate and asks if Sun ovulating. Romantic, that one. The two argue. Sun says Jin works too much. Jin says maybe her daddy-o will give him a desk job (i.e. one not beating the shit out of people) if they have a kid. Jin suggests they see a fertility specialist. On the beach Locke asks Ana to interview Henry, since she used to be a cop. Ana asks if it is okay with Jack. Locke says he doesn't need Jack's permission for shit. He's getting a chip on his shoulder. In flashback, Sun studies English. With Mr. Lee! Ain't he supposed to be in America with his girl? Later Locke runs the idea past Jack and when Jack says it is okay, Locke says Ana's already with Henry. Sun tends to her garden and Jin approaches and asks why she's all alone in the jungle. He tells her to come back to the beach, and when she refuses, Jin trashes her garden. Someone's back on the douchewagon. Sun stomps back to the beach, leaving Jin behind. At the shore she gets a little light-headed. Rose and Bernard bicker over him having forgot her birthday. He says he didn't forget, he just has no idea what the hell day it is. Rose assures him it is Saturday, and he missed her birthday. They ask if Sun is feeling okay, she says she's fine. She probably pregnant. Duh. In the hatch Ana interrogates Henry and convinces him to draw her a map to his balloon. If she finds his balloon, everyone will believe his story. Sun interrupts Sawyer who's reading some Judy Blume. She asks him for a pregnancy test. In Korea Sun and Jin find out Sun cannot get pregnant due to scarring on her inner tubes and whatnot. Jin accuses her of hiding it from him before their wedding. She lashes back that she'd have no reason to trap a fisherman's son like that. Ooh, burn! Jin throws a tantrum in the doctor's office before storming out. Ana leaves her interrogation with the map, but doesn't tell Jack or Locke about it. She asks Sayid to help her find the clearing and the balloon. They head out on their quest and for some reason Charlie goes with them. Just like when he was in Lord of the Rings, I suspect he is going along for the express purpose of getting captured by bad guys. Damn, that guy should learn to stay home. Sun pees on her test and her and Kate see that it is positive. Sun looks unhappy about this. They ask Jack how accurate the test is, and he confirms she's probably pregnant. He also suggests Sun tell Jin everything. Meanwhile, Bernard tries to fish for oysters, so he can give Rose a pearl necklace for her birthday. Jin tells him there are no oysters and Sawyer arrives, calls Jin "daddy-o" and chats with Barnard. Jin is annoyed he can't really understand them. Sun and Lee continue their lessons, even though Sun is pretty much fluent at this time. Lee asks why she's learning English. She says she's moving to America. He relates how his trip to America didn't work out and asks her to stay. He asks her to stay and be with him. Ana and Sayid study the map and believe they're heading the right way. Sayid notes they may be heading where Henry wants them to, but not necessarily to his balloon. Ana asks Charlie about the gun he is carrying and tells him he should give it someone who knows how to use it. Charlie gets all kettle-blacky and calls her a murderer. He gives the gun to Sayid nonetheless. That night, as they sit by the fire, Ana apologizes to Sayid for killing Shannon. Sayid says she was just trying to protect her people, he understands that. He blames the Others for her death. In the jungle Jin replants the garden. Sun asks him what he is doing. "Correcting a mistake," he says. Then he tells her how much he needs her. He has no one to talk to other than her. Flashback and the fertility doc approaches Sun alone in the park. He tells her he lied. Jin is the one that is sterile. Fear of him and who he worked for caused the doc to lie. Sun tells Jin she's pregnant and he is stunned. She tells him about what the doctor said, and he wonders how it is possible for her to be pregnant. Sun assures him she's never slept with anyone else. He believes it is a miracle. Then he giggles over Sawyer's "daddy-o" comment. As he starts to head back to the beach Sun tells him "I love you." This surprises them both. Ana and Sayid and Charlie find the clearing in Henry's drawing, but there is no balloon. Ana insists they thoroughly search the area before returning to the beach. At the hatch Jack lets Henry out of the lockup and offers his some Dharma Krispies. Henry asks how old the food is. Jack and Locke don't know. Henry comments they don't seem to know much about the hatch then tells them about the map. He contemplates what he would do if he really were an Other. He says he'd have sent the searchers to an isolated spot where they'd be ambushed and taken prisoner. Then the Others could use the prisoners to trade for him. Good thing he's not one of them. Then he asks "You guys got any milk?"

God Bless America

God bless America one nation under God freedom isn't free support our troops what would Jesus do a hard rain's a-gonna fall in case of rapture this car will be unmanned give me your tired your poor your huddled masses yearning to breathe free don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me this land is your land this land is my land it's not a choice it's a child America home of the brave land of the free. Hand painted ceramic. $75.00.


Nerdz/Not Nerdz?

Earlier today Liss and I were having an email conversation about Lost, which we do about nine thousand times a week. Along the way I mentioned a weekend purchase at Kum & Go.

Deeky: I played Powerball on Saturday. Sparkletoes asked if I used the Lost numbers. I said 'Yeah, and if I win I'm gonna have to share the jackpot with 9,000 other nerds in the state.'

Liss: LOLOLOLOL!!! And I would naturally take a 10% finder's fee.

Deeky: I'd totes give it to you too.

Liss: I'd buy all the Lost action figures with it.

Deeky: But would you play with them?

Liss: Nope. IN DA BOX!

I replied with a "Wevs!" and snapped the following image to send along:

Liss: LOLOLOL!!!


Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Or, The Medical Hatch

[Originally Aired March 1, 2006]

Aaron is crying. It's the middle of the night. He has a fever. And a rash. Claire frets. She decides to head to the hatch to see Jack. Locke tells her to stay and says he will go fetch Jack for her. Claire tries cooling Aaron by dabbing him with wet towels. Someone approaches from the jungle and Clair thinks it is Jack. It's not. It's Rousseau, who tells her Aaron is infected. Then she asks if Claire remembers. Kate shows up and chases Rousseau out of the camp. Jack arrives and says the baby is just sick, it happens, probably roseola and not worry about it. Jack says he'll come back in a few hours and check on them. In the morning Claire asks Libby to hypnotize her so she can remember what happened while she was missing. Jack and Locke feed Henry and Locke gives him some light reading (Dostoevsky) to pass the time. Jack asks him about it and Locke tells him about how Hemingway felt he could never get out from under Dostoevsky's shadow. He then asks Jack what the long-term plan is for Henry. There is no plan. Duh. Libby hypnotizes Claire right into a flashback and Claire is at the OB-GYN and he's asking about her last checkup. She hasn't been in a while, she says, and mentions she's on her way to L.A. to give up the baby. The doctor turns out to be Ethan and he's giving her a shot. Freakout commences on the beach as Claire snaps out of her trance and demands Libby hypnotize her again. Libby refuses. Eko chops down the trees he marked. Then he visits the hatch to borrow a saw from Locke. He notices the cot in the armory, but says nothing. Kate asks Sawyer for a gun. He makes her tell him why she needs one. Because Claire is heading into the jungle to find Rousseau and Kate is going with her. Claire asks Sun to watch her baby, and Sun tells her she doesn't think the trip is a good idea. Claire snaps at Sun and is turning into kind of a douche about everything. Eko approaches Jack and tells him he needs to talk to the prisoner. Jack refuses until Eko tells him he'll spill the beans about the secret captive. Flashback and Ethan gives Claire an injection of CR4-81516-23 42. Claire complains about the pain, and Ethan assures her the baby needs the injections but tries to cheer her up by showing her a surprise. They walk down the hallway and on the wall is the Dharma logo, but no swan, no arrow, instead a caduceus in the middle. There's a nursery set up wherever they are. A nice crib, pretty blue walls, animals on the walls. Claire asks where it all came from and Ethan tells it would be too much for her to comprehend. There are Oceanic planes on the mobile above the crib. As Ethan shows them around they are interrupted by another man. It's Cap'n! But he has no beard! And he's dressed in clean, tailored clothes, not the jungle rags he's seen in later. What the fuck? Cap'n tells Ethan he's gonna be in trouble for not compiling a list before abducting Claire. In trouble with whom, exactly? Kate and Claire search for Rousseau and Kate tells Claire that Rousseau killed all her companions. Why, she asks. "They were infected," Rousseau says, appearing from the jungle. Claire demands Rousseau take her back to the room with the medicine and the lights and the teenage girl. Rousseau agrees to take them to where Claire scratched her, as per Claire's request. When they get there, Claire complains there is nothing there. Rousseau asks where to from there, and Claire is confused. She says Rousseau was taking her back to the room, so she should know where to go from there. I wonder how long it will take them all to figure out what really happened. I guess we just have to wait it out. Rousseau gets in Claire's face and Kate pulls her gun. Rousseau tells her to shoot her, please. Jebus. Claire wanders into the jungle and stumbles across a familiar log. Flashback and she's in the same spot with Ethan. He tells her he will miss her when she goes back to the beach. He explains how there is only enough vaccine for the baby. She protests she's not sick. He lies and tells her she doesn't have to give up the baby if she doesn't want to. In present time Claire starts searching through the nearby brush, much to Kate's confusion. "What are you doing?" she asks. Seriously, did they drink a bunch of the stupid water before they left the beach? Rousseau tells Kate to let her search. At least the crazy woman has a clue. Kate finds tarp. Underneath is a door to the Caduceus hatch. The trio heads down and Kate finds some flashlights and the place looks abandoned. The nursery is stripped. The exam room is empty. Kate finds a locker room. Hanging up in one of the lockers are some jungle rag clothing. There is also a fake beard and some theatrical glue. What. The. FUCK! You have got to be shitting me! Claire finds a bootie she was knitting for the baby and has another flashback. A teenage girl wakes her and tells her she has to leave now. Claire is confused. They peek down the hall and the exam room is being set up for surgery. The girl tells Claire they're cutting out the baby tonight. Claire freaks and so the girl chloroforms her. Claire finds the fridge and when Kate and her get it upright and open all the vaccine is gone. Claire freaks out (again) wants to know why Rousseau won't tell her where the vaccine is. Then she figures it out. Jebus, about time already. Claire wakes in the jungle as Ethan and the Others search for her. Rousseau finds Claire first. Claire yells for Ethan to help her until Rousseau clubs her over the head and carries her away to safety. In the bunker, Claire apologizes. She tells Rousseau that her daughter helped her escape the Others. Rousseau tells Claire she hopes the baby isn't infected, but if he is she hopes Claire will do what needs to be done. Jebus. Eko visits the the Swan and Jack tells him he knows about Henry. Locke lets him in the store and tells him not to tell Henry what the alarm is for. Eko asks what the alarm is for. Eko then apologizes to Henry for killing two of the Others. Henry asks him why he is telling him that. Eko says he needed to tell somebody. Then Eko slices off the two little beardy things on his chin and hands them to Henry. On the beach, Aaron's fever has broke and his rash is clearing up. Claire gives him the lone bootie she stitched and apologizes to Aaron for wanting to give him up. Locke feeds Henry and Henry asks if the Hemingway story is true. Then he asks is Locke is Hemingway or Dostoevsky. The genius or the one living in the shadow of the genius? Then he asks why Locke lets Jack run the show. Locke gets pissed and smashes up the dishes.

Lost Character Update


Libby: A psychologist and possible love-interest for Hurley.

Ana Lucia: Former cop and murderer. Resident hot-head.

Mr. Eko: Nigerian warlord and drug dealer. Has re-imagined himself as a priest and holy man on the island.

Misc. Islanders:

Henry Gale: Crashed his balloon on the island. Imprisoned by Locke and Sayid.

Rose and Bernard: Appear when needed. Not needed very much.

Desmond: Hatchling and button pusher, disappeared into jungle.

Rousseau: Stranded on island sixteen years ago. The Others kidnapped her daughter.

Aaron (AKA Turniphead): Claire's baby. Born on the island. May be the devil.


Cap'n: As-yet-unnamed, grizzled leader (presumably) of the Others.


Walt: Snatched by the Others. Good with the island internet. Occasionally appears in the jungle, dripping wet and talking backward.

Michael: Gone all Bear Grylls in the jungle looking for Walt. Ain't been seen in four episodes.

Two Blonde Kids: Tailies abducted by the Others.

Cindy: Tailie Oceanic stewardess, abducted by the Others.


Shannon: Shot dead, accidentally, by Ana Lucia.

Boone: Shannon's step-brother. Died of injuries from fall.

Marshal Mars (AKA Marshal Gunfingers): Mercy-killed by Jack.

Ethan Rom: Has an anagram for a name. The Others' spy. Killed by Charlie.


Or, At Least It's Not Another Charlie Episode

[Originally Aired February 15, 2006]

American forces invade Iraq and Sayid and his men frantically shred documents. The commanding officer, Tariq, tells them to keep working as the shelling of their bunker worsens. The Americans bust and tell them to stop or they'll be shot. The Iraqis don't understand. Sayid interprets. The Americans ask where their commanding officer is, but Sayid lies and says he has fled. On the island, Ana tells Sayid she's seen an Other near the camp and the two head off to track the interloper. It turns out to be Rousseau who says she was looking for Sayid. Sayid sends Ana back to the camp and tells her not to mention this to anyone. Rousseau says she has something to show Sayid and leads him into the jungle. Back in Iraq, Kate's father enlists Sayid's help to interrogate Tariq. Tariq belittles Sayid for working with the Americans and refuses to tell where a missing pilot is. Meanwhile, Rousseau shows Sayid someone she's trapped in a net. Rousseau says the man is an Other. Sayid is not so sure and cuts him down. As the man tries to flee, Rousseau shoots him in the back with her crossbow. Sayid tells her she could have killed him, and Rousseau says if she wanted to kill him, she would have. Sayid carries the unconscious man back to the hatch. Rousseau warns that the man will lie. Sawyer tries to sleep but a frog chirps endlessly, driving Sawyer nuts. Sawyer heads into the jungle to find the creature and along the way finds Hurley dipping his papaya in a giant jar of Dharma ranch dressing. Hurley has a big stash of food. Sawyer makes a deal with Hurley: if he helps him find the frog he won't tell anyone about his secret cache of peanut butter. In Iraq Clancy Brown shows up and tells Sayid "There can be only one!" Okay, not really. He shows Sayid a video of his village being gassed and then tells him "There can be only one!" Okay, not really. He tells Sayid that Tariq used to work in chemical weapons and is responsible for the death of the villagers, including Sayid's relatives. Clancy then hands Sayid a box of torture implements and asks him to get Tariq to divulge the location of the missing pilot. Sawyer and Hurley track the frog, all the while Sawyer calls him all kinds of nicknames which are synonymous with "fat." Hurley snaps, tells Sawyer to go fuck himself, but in a safe, TV-friendly way, and says that yeah, he is fat, but everyone likes him, unlike Sawyer who the whole camp thinks is a ginormous douche. Sawyer apologizes. Jack patches up the man, who says his name is Henry Gale who crashed on the island in a balloon. His wife got sick a few weeks ago and died. Sayid convinces Locke to change the combination of the weapons store, and when Jack and Sayid move Henry to the cot inside, Sayid closes the door locking himself in alone with Henry. Jack pounds on the door and asks what he's doing. "What needs to be done." In Iraq, Sayid interrogates Tariq and shows him his new tools. Tariq orders Sayid to kill himself, while Sayid questions why Tariq doesn't turn over the info, since it's not worth anything anyway. In the bunker, Sayid introduces himself to Henry and tells him he's a torturer. Sayid asks him about his wife and the balloon and other things. Jack asks Locke why he changed the combo. Locke says Jack is raising a secret army so that means they must be at war, and what Sayid is doing is part of that too. Hurley finds the frog but trips and the frog jumps away but Sawyer catches it midair like he's the fuckin' Karate Kid or something. Hurley and Sawyer admire the little frog a moment and Hurley offers to take him deep into the woods where he won't bother Sawyer anymore. Sawyer thinks about it for a second but then squishes the frog to death in his hand. In the bunker Sayid asks Henry about burying his wife, and when Henry's answers aren't sufficient, Sayid starts to beat the shit out of him. In Iraq, Sayid hands Clancy back his tools and tells him the pilot is dead. Sayid is covered in Tariq's blood. In the hatch, the alarm starts to ring but Jack pins Locke and tells him to open the door or he'll let the timer run out. Locke panics and lets Jack into the room and races back to the button. The timer hits zero and instead of resetting there is some weird ass noise and the timer starts displaying hieroglyphics. A moment later Locke gets the numbers keyed in and the clock resets and the noise disappears. Meanwhile Jack tears Sayid off of Henry. In Iraq, Clancy frees Sayid and tells him "There can be only one!" Okay, not really. He says the war is over, the Americans are not going to Baghdad. Clancy hands Sayid a thousand bucks and assures him he'll have a long career ahead of him as a torturer under Saddam. On the beach, Sayid tells Charlie about Henry. He knows Henry is an Other because he felt no guilt for beating him. I'm pretty sure Sayid is a sociopath. Charlie asks him why he's telling him this. Sayid says it is because he remembers what the Others did to Charlie.

Monday, August 17, 2009


Or, Pandora's Guns & Ammo

[Originally Aired February 8, 2006]

Flashback to Sawyer humping some woman. He tells he loves her and then rushes out to a meeting. While he's on the way out his briefcase opens up and $150K in cash tumbles out. Oops. Except this woman doesn't fall for it. She picks up the cash and sees that it is fake. Sawyer congratulates her from figuring out his con. The woman, Cassidy, tells him she has no money, that he's wasting his time, then asks him to teach her how to con. In the hatch, Jack locks up the suitcase full of guns and asks Locke about the Heroin Marys. Locke says he too superstitious to bust them open. He tells Jack to put the medicine in here too, saying Sawyer's been stealing painkillers. The two agree that neither of them will open up the gun keep without talking to the other first. Meanwhile, Sawyer gives Charlie a hard time about getting booted out of Claire's tent. Charlie tells him to mind his own tent, and Sawyer turns around to see Jack ransacking it. Jack takes the bottle of meds he finds saying they belong to everyone and Sawyer gets in his face. Kate visits Sawyer's tent as he's trying to put it back in order and gives him a magazine from the Seventies. Sawyer can't read it since he lost his glasses in the boat explosion and so Kate reads to him. Sawyer says he's on the outs with Jack. Then he tells her about the army Jack is building. Kate is surprised. She is on the outs with Jack too, it seems. Hurley tries to cheer Sayid up by giving him the shortwave radio Bernard had. Sayid tells him to get lost, he doesn't need cheering up. Hurley apologizes, but leaves the radio with Sayid anyway. In another part of the jungle Ana and Jack discuss the trouble they're having finding recruits, and Ana believes it is because everyone feels too safe. Jack disagrees. Sun tends to her garden, and is attacked. Someone throws a sack over her head and ties her up. Sawyer and Kate hear her screams and run to the rescue. They find Sun has been hit over the head. Cassidy and Sawyer pull another short con, ripping off some rubes at a gas station. Cassidy wants to try a bigger con and confesses to Sawyer that she really has $600K stashed away. Sawyer suggests they give up pulling cons and just run away somewhere. Sawyer hauls unconscious Sun back to the beach and there is lots of panic. Ana believes it is the Others. Jack says they made a truce with the Others. Jin wants a gun. Sawyer is wary of Ana's claims, hinting to Kate that maybe she attacked Sun to get people scared. In flashback Sawyer meets his conman partner at a diner in Iowa. Kate's mom is their waitress. Sawyer tells his partner he doesn't want to rip off Cassidy. The man threatens to shoot them both if he doesn't. At the beach Kate realizes Ana is angling to get the guns and sends Sawyer to the hatch to warn Locke. Sawyer tells Locke to change the combo but Locke figures that is a temporary solution and takes the guns and hides them somewhere else. When the group arrives to take the guns Jack finds the store empty. He asks Sawyer where they are. He doesn't know, he's been manning the button while Locke moved them. Back at the beach, Jack finds Locke sitting by the fire and accuses him of breaking their earlier agreement. Locke says Jack was about to do the same thing. As they bicker, there is gunfire. And Sawyer walks out with a rifle. He says that while he was on the raft trying to save them all, everyone stole his shit and he's pissed. Worse yet, they let Jack and Locke tell them what to do all the time. Sawyer says if anyone wants a gun, they'll now have to see him. Later, Kate asks Sawyer if he abducted Sun. He denies it, and considering Kate was with Sawyer when Sun was abducted, it's a pretty dumb theory anyway. Kate is convinced nonetheless that Sawyer conned her. Back in Iowa, Sawyer is frantic as he enters Cassidy's house. He tells her he's been conning her all along, but he doesn't want to take her money now. He points out his partner's car out front and tells her the man will kill them both if he doesn't come out with a briefcase full of money. He takes her money out of its briefcase and stuffs it into a duffle bag and tells her to sneak out the back door. They'll rendezvous later. Sawyer takes the empty briefcase and gets in the passenger side of the car. The car is empty. After a few moments Sawyer returns to the house and pulls out another duffle bag. It's full of Cassidy's money. He heads back out with it, the con a success. On the beach, Sayid shows Hurley that he's rigged up the shortwave to a new antenna. They pick up some Glenn Miller from lord knows where. Or even lord knows when, Hurley suggests. In the jungle Sawyer meets up with Charlie and hands him a Heroin Mary for helping him. Charlie tells him he can never let anyone know he abducted Sun. Charlie refuses to accept the heroin, saying he'd have taken it earlier if that's why he helped. Sawyer asks him why he did it. To make Locke looks like a fool, he says. Charlie asks why Sawyer did it. "I'm not a good person, Charlie. Never did a good thing in my life."


Or, Charlie, You're A Bore

[Originally Aired January 25, 2006]

Charlie has a flashback-cum-nightmare where he's a twee little thing and on Christmas Day instead of presents he gets a new piano and suddenly his brother is full grown but playing with toys then dad is there butchering meat and all kinds of weird shit. Then Charlie is on the beach and playing the piano like it's an Elton John video until he hears Turniphead Aaron crying. The crying comes from inside the piano which suddenly tips over into the surf and starts to float out to sea. Charlie wakes and checks on Aaron but Claire tells him to get lost. Hurley asks Sawyer about Libby until Sawyer starts to rib him about it. Then Sawyer sees Ana and Jack exiting the jungle together and intimates to Kate that the two are boning each other. In flashback, Charlie visits his newborn nephew, but his brother is too strung out to make it to his own son's birth. On the island, Charlie plays his guitar on the beach and he hears Aaron crying. Charlie frantically looks around and sees Aaron's crib floating out to see. He swims out to save him and when he gets back on shore he sees his mother and Claire on the beach in robes and with halos and then Hurley comes out of the jungle dressed like Jesus and asks what Charlie is doing. He asks again. And suddenly Charlie is awake from his dream and it is the middle of the night and Hurley wants to know why he has Aaron and id standing in the water. Charlie doesn't know. Claire takes Aaron from him and slaps him. Everyone thinks Charlie is being a douche. Sawyer tells Hurley to do his laundry with Libby and at the hatch the two flirt but Hurley kind of sucks at it. Driveshaft films a diaper commercial, but Charlie's drug-addled state gets them fired. On the island Charlie asks Locke to put in a good word with Claire for him but Locke thinks he's using drugs again. Then Locke confiscates all Charlie's Heroin Mary statues. Charlie goes to Eko, who is out in the jungle marking trees he likes, whatever the hell that means. Eko tells Charlie the baby needs baptizing. In flashback Charlie is writing a new song but all his brother wants to do is get high. Later his brother sells the piano and uses the money to move his family to Australia. Charlie is all alone. In the jungle Charlie sets a brushfire and in the chaos of trying to put it out he kidnaps Turniphead and attempts to baptize him. His plan is interrupted when Claire raises the alarm. Charlie tells everyone Eko told him to baptize the baby and Eko calls bullshit on his explanation. Charlie gives Aaron back to Claire then Locke beats the shit out of Charlie. Everyone leaves Charlie to wallow in the surf. Charlie is all alone. Until Jack comes to stitch him up. Charlie says he won't pester Aaron and Claire again. Meanwhile, Locke puts the Heroin Marys in the gun locker.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Quote of the Day

"I feel it is time to re-create 'Friends' in the hourlong genre and feel like this is the perfect opportunity."Dan Bucatinsky, who, along with Joel Schumacher and Topher Grace, is bringing St. Elmo's Fire to the small screen. Thanks, but no thanks, Hollywood.


Now Taking Requests

Just a reminder, I am still looking for requests for Radio Shakesville. Call in, let me know what you'd like to hear. Maybe you can take inspiration from this post and introduce other Shakers to something new. Or, just call in, like everyone else does, and call me names. Whatever.

Personally, I'm of the opinion the show is better when you are all involved, and this is one of the easiest and best ways to do that. So, if you've a free moment this weekend, gimme a ring.

You can reach my voicemail by calling (641) 715-3900, extension: 44515.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


Or, Testosterone Island

[Originally Aired January 18, 2006]

Flashback and Jack and his dad are in a surgical consult. Their patient is some Eurotrash dude dressed like a dracula at Studio 54 à la Dr. Orpheus. His daughter acts as interpreter. There are heated words as Old Man Shephard tells Orpheus his tumor is inoperable. The daughter, Gabriela, says they didn't come to see the old man, they came to see Jack. Gabriela tells Jack they're looking for a miracle, and begs him to help. Jack agrees to try to save her father, much to his father's consternation. I get the distinct impression Dr. Shephard doesn't like that his son is a more respected surgeon than him. Meanwhile, Jack wakes up in the hatch and as he strolls around he sees Locke laying on the floor of the arms lockup. He steps in to help him and Michael appears, rifle in hand. Michael tells him he is going after Walt and Jack tries to talk him out of it. Then he tries to convince Michael to let him come with him. Neither works, and Michael locks them in the gun closet. Kate and Sawyer visit the bunker and find the two men locked up. Kate enters the numbers and Sawyer opens the door from the outside. Locke and Jack arm themselves and head out to find Michael and bring him back. Sawyer goes too, claiming he needs to be near his doctor. Kate wants to come, but Jack tells her she has to stay and take care of the button. At the hospital Dr. Shephard warns Jack that his getting dangerously close to Gabriela. At the beach, Kate tells Hurley about Michael and asks him to look after the button. Hurley tells Sun and Jin what's going on and Jin starts packing to join the hunt. Sun tells him not to go. "Michael is my friend," he explains. "But I'm your wife." Jin sets down his pack and stays at the beach. In the jungle Sawyer and Jack bicker and Jack throws out that he knows Sawyer loves Kate and Sawyer acts surprised and then Jack asks why he's come along, assuming it's revenge for having been shot. Sawyer asks why Jack is here. Locke interrupts and tells them Michael is not heading back to Arrow Bunker to the east, but that they're now travelling north instead. At the hospital Jack is angered and saddened because Orpheus died on the operating table. Dr. Shephard tries to comfort him, reminding him that Orpheus was an old man with a weak heart. Jack says he has to tell Gabriela, but Dr. Shepard says he already has, and that she's left. Out in the parking lot Gabriela surprises Jack and the two kiss passionately until Jack pulls away, saying he can't. Locke asks Sawyer where he got his name. Sawyer again acts surprised, but Locke tells him he knows Sawyer's real name is James Ford. Locke loses the trail in the dark and he and Jack argue about bringing Michael back. Jack thinks he can talk Michael into returning to the camp. Locke insists Michael has moved beyond reason at this point. Jack comes home as his wife is cleaning up from dinner. She asks how the surgery went. Jack helps her with the dishes and Susan asks how Gabriela took the news. He confesses she kissed him and apologizes. Susan then makes her own confession, saying she's been seeing someone else and is leaving him. Susan tells him he'll always need someone to fix. In the bunker Hurley and Charlie spin some records and b.s. about life on the island. Hurley wonders if he's got a chance with Libby. Charlie wonders is Claire misses him. They find a copy of an album by Geronimo Jackson, who no one has heard of. Sayid arrives and tells them their music is depressing. He's never heard of Geronimo Jackson either. They tell him "everyone" has gone to look for Michael. Sayid asks who "everyone" is. Jack, Locke, Sawyer and Kate, they respond. In the jungle Jack makes some torches and he and Locke argue about heading into the jungle further, until the grizzled and crusty old pirate captain from last season appears. What the fuck? He tells them to build a fire so they can chat. What the fuck? Sawyer raises his gun and a shot rings out and Sawyer is grazed in the neck by a bullet. Cap'n Crust then proceeds to lecture them about their poor manners, and tells them the island belongs to him and his cohorts and the crash survivors are alive only because they've been allowed to live by the Others. What the fuck? Jack asks about Walt and Cap'n says he's a special boy, which is über-fuckin'-creepy. What the fuck? Cap'n says Michael will never find them either. Then Cap'n makes them a deal: They leave their guns, return to their side of the island and stay there and the Others will let them live. Jack thinks Cap'n is bluffing, that's why he sent Ethan to spy on them. Cap'n shouts out and suddenly dozens of torches light in a huge circle around Jack and his companions. What. The. Fuck. Cap'n again tells them to lay down their guns and drags out a prisoner to get his point across. It's Kate. Jack and Locke throw down their guns. Sawyer whispers to Cap'n how he ain't done with him yet before putting his pistol down. Later, the four head back toward camp and Kate tries to apologize for getting captured. Jack is a total douche to her. At the beach Jin tells Sun he doesn't like being told what to do. She says she didn't like it either the years they were married. Jin thinks about it a moment, says he supposes she didn't, then smiles and puts his arm around her. Charlie watches jealously as Locke talks to Claire about the baby. Jack asks Ana if she's a cop. She says she was. Then he asks "How long would it take to train an army?"

We Always Knew He Was Gay...

...because he wanted to kill his mother.

In a new interview for Playboy Seth MacFarlane outs infant Stewie Griffin:
Ultimately, Stewie will be gay or a very unhappy repressed heterosexual. It also explains why he’s so hellbent on killing [his mother, Lois] and taking over the world: He has a lot of aggression, which comes from confusion and uncertainty about his orientation.

Yeah, because being gay means you're confused and agressive and want to kill your mother. Makes total sense.


Cash Won Out

Focus on the Family is dumping its Love Won Out program for curing teh gay, citing a budgetary shortfall. Focus on the Family will turn over operations to Exodus International this fall and refocus the ministry on their more profitable gay-hating programs.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Today In Post-Racial

Georgia congressman David Scott's office was vandalized with a spray-painted swastika early this morning. "The Atlanta lawmaker said he also has received mail in recent days that used N-word references to him." Are you feeling post-racial yet?


Or, Thy Rod and Thy Staff

[Originally Aired January 11, 2006]

Somewhere in Nigeria, kids play soccer, until a truck of goons with AK-47s arrive and fuck up everything. They round up a bunch of kids and drag out an old man. They hand one of the boys a pistol and tell him to shoot the man. The boy wavers, until his older brother steps in and takes the gun, shooting the old man in the head. The goons ask his name. "Eko," he replies. He's dubbed Mr. Eko, born killer, by the goons, as they yank off his crucifix, telling him he won't need that where they're going. The men with guns ride off with Eko in their mitts. On the island, Claire asks Eko about the verses he's carving into his murder-stick. She tells him Charlie is religious because he carries around a Virgin Mary statue. Eko immediately demands to know where the statue came from. Claire doesn't know. Eko demands again. Claire still doesn't know, but she takes Eko to her tent where Eko smashes the statue and shows her it was filled with heroin. Locke changes the combination on the arms storage in the bunker. Then he shows Michael how to shoot giant bottles of ranch dressing. At the tide pools Charlie is jibbering like an idiot and singing a Kinks song and trying to talk to Jin whose limited English doesn't seem yet developed enough to discuss the finer points of early British rock music. Eko storms up and demands Charlie show him where he found the statue. Charlie agrees, but only if he can tell Claire where they are going first. Back at the tent, Charlie claims to have not known what was in the statue, but Claire doesn't believe him. In Nigeria, Eko is all grown up and now a warlord of some sort. He buys some heroin from another warlord and then slits his and his partner's throat. So, I guess he really didn't buy anything. Eko then heads to a church and there is a woman out front selling Virgin Mary statues to raise funds for polio vaccine. Inside Eko meets the priest, who turns out is his little brother Yemi. Yemi now wears Eko's crucifix. Eko asks Yemi to let him use his aid plane to fly the heroin out of the country. Yemi refuses. In the jungle Charlie and Eko stop and Charlie lies and says some random tree is where he found the statue. Eko doesn't believe him. Then Eko sees the Monster briefly. We get a good look at it too. Very smokelike. Weird. Charlie and Eko continue on into the jungle and Charlie whines about how Eko ruined everything between he and Claire and gets all pissy because he says he used to be a good person and now all everyone thinks he is is a junky. Kate gives Sawyer a haircut, and he's mean to her and she tells him that he can stop being such an assface because everyone loves him now. To prove her point Hurley walks by and says "Glad to have you back." Sawyer calls him Pillsbury. Eko sees the parachute and finds the body of the dead priest. He pulls open the dead man's shirt but finds nothing underneath. Eko looks in the man's mouth and finds a gold tooth. Charlie asks if he knew him. "He saved my life," Eko says and Charlie is mystified. Really, after all that's happened on the island shit like this is still surprising him? In the bunker Michael volunteers for a shift at the computer and uses that to contact Walt again. He asks if Walt is okay. Walt says he is. Walt also says he can't type too long as "they're coming back soon." Michael asks where he is, but before we get an answer Jack comes in and has a heart-to-heart with Michael. Jack tells Michael they well go find Walt as soon as they're able. Jack gets up and looks at the screen. It's blank. Eko returns to his brother's church and demands he sign papers ordaining him and his friends as priests. If he doesn't sign the papers Eko says his partners will burn down the church. Yemi relents and signs the papers. Eko buys all the Virgin Mary statues, handing Yemi a giant wad of cash. In the jungle Charlie confesses he's lost so Eko sends him up a tree to catch his bearings. Will perched on a branch, the Monster attacks. Sort of. Well, it gets in Eko's face, but Eko doesn't flinch. We get a real solid look at it, which is funny, because the Monster is anything but solid. It's a whiff of thick, black smoke. It whirrs and buzzes at Eko and images flicker inside the smoke. What the hell? Seriously: What the hell? After a moment, the Monster turns around and disappears. Charlie asks why Eko didn't run. Eko says he wasn't afraid. In Nigeria, Eko and his two partners, all dressed as priests, load up an aid plane with their statues. Yemi arrives and tells them the authorities are on their way. Moments later the army arrives and shooting commences. Yemi is shot and killed. Eko puts him on the plane. But before he can board, his partner, the one with the gold tooth, kicks him to the ground and takes off in the plane. The army arrives and mistakes Eko for a real priest. Charlie leads Eko to the plane, and inside Eko finds Yemi. Charlie asks is he knew him, and Eko tells him the man was his brother. Eko removes Yemi's crucifix, then lights the plane on fire. Charlie asks Eko if he's a priest, and Eko responds that he is. The two recite the 23rd Psalm at the plane burns. Before they leave, Eko gives Charlie a Virgin Mary statue to replace the one he broke. Back at the beach, Hurley helps Libby build a shelter, and Jin gives Ana a fish. Meanwhile Claire boots Charlie out of her tent for being a lying junky and he apologizes but she still wants him gone. That night Charlie returns to the jungle and stashes his new Virgin Mary in a cache with several others he's hoarded.

Articles of Insouciance

Okay, a couple months ago a new sequel to The Fast and The Furious came out called, get this, Fast and Furious. At the time I thought it was pretty stupid but hey, at least I was comforted knowing something so dumb would never happen again, right? Except now there's a sequel to Final Destination called The Final Destination*. This is beyond lazy. Hollywood is just trying to irritate me now, isn't it?

I can't wait until next summer brings us The Transformers.

(* Note, this is still an improvement over Final Destination 2, which holds the silver medal for stupidest title for a movie ever.)


Weeds and Rape

I'm a big fan of Weeds. It's a fun and silly show about a suburban housewife turned drug dealer. Okay, it's about as fun and silly a show as that can be. There are the occasional murders, as that type of thing is, I assume, a fairly common occurrence in the drug business. Murder victims on the show are, generally speaking, drug dealers and the odd dirty cop here and there: You know, bad people. Because the show is ostensibly a comedy.

As I said, I am a big fan, but show is not without its problems. I'm not going to go into them all here, but I will point out the one that's relevant to the post: At least once a season there's a rape joke thrown in somewhere.

Five seasons in Nancy Botwin (played by the always brilliant Mary-Louise Parker) is no longer a suburban housewife turned drug dealer. She's moved on to different things, and in last season's climax it was revealed that she was pregnant with her Mexican drug-lord boyfriend's baby. After that things took a decidedly dark turn on the show, for reasons I'm not going to go into. Let me just say it really doesn't matter to the discussion here.

Somewhere early this season Nancy, still pregnant, was raped by Esteban, her Mexican drug-lord boyfriend. It was out of the blue, and turned the already dark season five decidedly black. What the fuck was that all about? I don't know. It was a profoundly disturbing moment, and completely out of place in our fun and silly little show. You may want to argue that point, but don't.

Because in last night's episode Nancy and Esteban got married.

And it saddens and angers me that the whole rapist-and-victim-find-true-love-and-get-married meme has played out again.


Monday, August 10, 2009

Two Kinds of Women

According to Gerard Butler, there are two kinds of women: Those who are too dumb for him, and those who are too smart for him. Like some tormented Goldilocks, the poor sap can't seem to find a woman who's just right, despite having made a go of it with women all up and down the Wechsler Scale.

May I suggest, since you can't find a woman worthy of all your iron-jawed and muscley hawtness, Mr. Butler, that you just go fuck yourself, and spare all the too dumb and too smart women the inevitable heartbreak when you are forced to dump them for being just not good enough for you.



Or, The Dark Horse

[Originally Aired November 30, 2005]

Morning on the beach, Sun and Jin embrace outside their tent. Hurley gives them a thumbs-up. Not too far away, Sayid digs a grave. In the bunker Jack tends to Sawyer. In his delirium, Sawyer asks "Where is she?" then follows that with "I love her." Jack is annoyed. Flashback and Kate sits on her porch and her drunk-ass step dad drives up. She helps him inside and puts him to bed. He tells her she's beautiful and wants her to take off his pants. She storms out of the house and hops on her motorcycle. As she wheels away from the house, it explodes. Kate visits mom at her job at a diner. Mom's arm is in a brace, and she come up with some b.s. about bumping into something. Yeah, right. Kate hands her an insurance policy on the house and tell mom she's taken care of her. "What did you do?!" mom demands to know as Kate runs off into the night. In the jungle, Kate picks some mangos, or maybe they're papayas, I can't tell, and she suddenly sees a black horse. This freaks her out. She goes back to the hatch and tells Jack to go to the funeral and that she'll look after Sawyer. Jack is annoyed. Eko tells Ana he is going to the funeral too, but she declines to attend. Probably for the best. Still, Eko assures her most everyone understands Shannon's death was an accident. At the funeral Sayid says a few words, but breaks down, ending only with "I loved her." The other survivors each drop a handful of sand into the grave. Back at the hatch, Kate plays some Patsy Cline and tends to Sawyer. He wakes, clutches her throat and yells "You killed me! Why did you kill me?!" Flashback again and Kate is buying a bus ticket to Tallahassee. Someone in line asks her why the hell she'd want to go to Tallahassee. It's Marshal Mars (AKA Marshal Gunfingers), and he arrests her, telling Kate that her mom ratted her out. Kate bloodies his nose. Later, he's transporting her to her arraignment and he asks Kate why she did it. Was it because her step-daddy beat her mom? Was it because he molested Kate? She tells him he never touched her. A black horse bolts in front of the car and they slide in the rain and crash. Kate uncuffs herself, boots Gunfingers out into the rain and jumps in the driver's seat. Before she pulls away, she sees the black horse standing a short distance away, staring at her. Back at the bunker, Jack and Locke return from the funeral and the alarm is beeping and Sawyer is on the floor and Kate is missing. With just 23 seconds left on the timer, Locke gets the button pushed. Jack heads into the jungle to find Kate. He meets her in the jungle and asks what the hell happened. She tells him she's sorry she's not perfect and good like he is. Then she kisses him. Jack is annoyed. Back at the bunker Locke uses some bolt cutters to snip off Jin's cuff, finally. Locke then shows Michael the computer and notes how nothing can be typed into it before the alarm sounds. He also offers to show the film to Eko and Michael. After the show, Michael remains skeptical, and he asks what Locke thinks is missing from the film. Locke thinks the skips are just a few missing frames. Eko says nothing and leaves. Michael points out blast doors on the bunker, something Locke hadn't noticed before. Kate sits at the grave site and Sayid arrives and the two talk. Kate says she's going crazy. Sayid says he saw Walt in the jungle and asks if that means he's crazy too. In flashback, Kate enters an army recruiting station and talks to her father. She asks him why he never told her that her step dad was actually her biological father. He says he knew if she ever found out she'd kill the man. I guess he was right. Hurley wanders through the jungle and sees Jack cutting wood. Hurley mentions his surprise that Bernard is white. Then he asks why Jack is mad at Sawyer. Jack asks what the hell he's talking about and Hurley says he learned about transference in the mental hospital. Jack is annoyed. Eko tells Locke he has something to show him. First he tells some bible story about Josiah and the Temple and blah blah blah. He then hands Locke the bible he found in Arrow Station. (That's the other hatch, if you ain't caught on to that already.) Locke opens it and sees it has been hollowed out. There is film in it. A missing piece of the orientation reel. Kate again looks after Sawyer and convinced she's talking to the ghost of her dad/step dad tells him she killed him because she hated that he was part of her and how she'd never be at peace because of that and also how she hated how Sawyer reminded her of him and every time she got a boner for him it makes her mad. Sawyer wakes up and tells her she's sweet. Then asks why he's in a bunk bed. Then asks if they've been rescued. "Not yet." Locke and Eko splice the film back together while Michael pokes around the computers and the wiring in the dome. Locke marvels at the coincidence of Eko bringing the missing footage. Eko tells him it wasn't a coincidence, it was fate. He's like the otherside of the island's version of Locke, ain't he? Kate shows Sawyer around the bunker and he is pretty sure they've been rescued until she takes him out into the jungle. He's crestfallen, sure she was just messing with him. Then he thinks he's hallucinating when he sees a black horse. Kate asks if he can see it too. He nods, and she approaches the horse and pets it. Sawyer asks if she knows the horse. She says she does. Eko and Locke re-watch the film and the new section admonishes them not to use the computer to communicate between the other stations. That could trigger another "incident." Meanwhile, as Michael is poking around the computer is starts beeping. He looks at the screen. "Hello?" Michael replies, hello. "Who is this?" Okay, Michael plays along, "This is Michael." The on-screen reply: "Dad?"

Sunday, August 09, 2009


Or, A Good Walk Spoiled

[Originally Aired November 23, 2005]

Ana Lucia takes in some target practice at the firing range, then she meets with her shrink. They discuss whether or not she's ready to return to work. Ana thinks so, and so does the shrink. He hands her back her LAPD badge. Hurley, Charlie and Kate play some golf on the beach and nearly teabag Jack with one of the balls. Jack gives Kate some advice on her swing since he's a doctor, and the two wager for a round for bragging rights. In the jungle Sayid pulls his gun and gets in Ana's face but Eko jumps him and knocks him out. Ana demands Eko tie up Sayid but he refuses. Ana then forces Libby to tie up Sayid at gunpoint. Back in L.A. Ana returns to work but her captain assigns her to a desk job. Her captain is played by Rachel Ticotin who has played a cop like 9,000 times in her career, and her presence is almost comforting. Ana asks if she's been given a desk job because the woman is her captain or because she's her mom. Both, is the answer. Ana complains and mom relents and sends her back out into the streets. Ana's partner is one of the Band of Brothers. The one that was always chewing on a cigar like he was Hannibal from The A-Team. The two patrol the safe (i.e. very white) neighbourhood of Westwood. They hear a call about a nearby domestic dispute and head to the scene. During the stop Ana pulls her gun on a bickering couple and nearly has a meltdown until her partner calms her down. Later he expresses concern that she's gonna pull her gun on every harmless yahoo they run into. Back at the station Ana is informed they've found the man that shot her. Back in the jungle Eko picks up Sawyer and tells Ana he is taking him to the doctor before he dies. Ana then bargains with Michael saying she'll trade Sawyer for some clothes and blankets and ammo. Michael doesn't want to leave Sayid behind but Jin lets him know he'll stay behind and keep an eye on him. While playing their golf game, Dr. Jack, Legendary Golfer hits one into the brush. He sucks. He and Kate head into the shrubery to find the ball and while they're stumbling around Eko bumps into them and asks they take him to a doctor. Back in the jungle, Bernard and Libby decide they don't want to be part of whatever dumb plan Ana has concocted and head to the beach. Sayid tells Jin to go too, leaving only him and Ana alone in the jungle. At the police station, Ana refuses to identify her attacker saying the man in custody is not him. Jack throws Sawyer under the cold shower to help bring his fever down. Sawyer is septic, and needs meds. Jack sends Kate scouring the bunker for antibiotics. Later, Kate is able to convince Sawyer to take some pills by whispering in his ear. I am reminded of her dying mother. Jack interrogates Eko, but Eko just sits in silence. Michael arrives at the bunker and they all consider taking up arms and freeing Sayid. Eko says he will take Jack to Ana, but only if they go alone and only if they go unarmed. In L.A. Ana sits in a bar and watches the man that shot her. She follows him to the parking lot where she yells at him. "Do I know you?" he asks. She repsonds "I was pregnant" before shooting him to death. In the jungle, Ana tells Sayid about how she feels dead inside since she was shot. Then she frees Sayid and gives him the gun, telling him to shoot her. He says there is no point since they're both already dead. Sayid returns to Shannon's body, holding her for a while. On the beach Bernard, Libby and Jin arrive much to everyone's surprise. Jin is reunited with Sun and Rose is reunited with Bernard. Meanwhile, as Sayid begins to carry her back to the camp Jack and Eko arrive. Ana and Jack share a moment of recognition.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Willy DeVille RIP

Willy DeVille, founder of pioneering NYC punk act Mink DeVille, has passed away. DeVille died at New York's Cabrini Hospital yesterday of pancreatic cancer. He was 58.

DeVille was one of those artists that my husband turned me onto (along with Leonard Cohen and the Velvet Underground; his taste was always better than mine) and whenever I hear one of his songs shuffle across my iPod I smile fondly. Interestingly, in one of those weird moments of synchronicity, a few minutes before I heard about DeVille's passing I was listening to one of his songs.

Not nearly as famous as some of his contemporaries, but profoundly influential, his songs varied greatly, covering nearly every genre imaginable, from mariachi to soul to punk. And if you haven't heard of him, you may be familiar with his Oscar-nominated recording of "Storybook Love" from the film The Princess Bride.

RIP, Mr. DeVille



Or, The Dark Side of the Island

[Originally Aired November 16, 2005]

A sunny, clear day on the beach. Until a plane falls from the sky. Damn. I had to watch that twice. The tail section of Oceanic 815 splashes down on the far side of the island, near enough to shore for survivors to swim to land. Flames, carnage, blood, survivors, water. Mr. Eko pulls a kid out of the water. Ana performs CPR on her. Libby sets a man's broken leg. Someone comes running out of the jungle, says there is man in the trees who needs help. Ana and the man, Goodwin, head into the jungle and see Bernard up a tree. Still strapped into his seat. Ana takes charge and talks him down. What is she, a cop? She doesn't seem to take no mess, that's for sure. Back at the beach, Eko starts dragging dead bodies out of the water. Later, Bernard asks him if he found any African-American women among the dead. Eko says no. Goodwin tells Ana he's in the Peace Corps. One of the other survivors is a boy with a teddy bear. The first night the Others attack and kidnap three of the survivors. Eko brains two of the Others with a rock. He is very remorseful about it and stops speaking for forty days. The next morning the survivors discuss moving off the beach but a guy named Nathan suggests they stay where they are. The dead Others have no shoes, no ID, no tags sewn into their clothes. It's like they're the Lost Boys, but no one ever smashed in Peter Pan's skull with a rock. The man with the broken legs dies. A week later the Others attack again and take nine more survivors, including the little boy and girl. Ana brains another attacker. There's a lot of skull-splitting in this episode. Ana rifles through the dead man's pockets and finds a small knife and a list. A list of survivors to be taken. With their names and descriptions. Uh oh. There is a spy in their midst. They pick up camp and head to a safer location. They find a place with fresh water and defensible terrain. Ana digs a pit. She decides Nathan is an Other (oh, man, if his name turns out to be Nathan More, I'm gonna get agitated) since he disappeared to take a pooh for two hours and plus he had the great idea to stay on the beach. Ana kicks him in the face and throws him in the pit. She leaves him in the pit for days. When Goodwin asks her what she plans to do with Nathan she says she'll cut one of his fingers off tomorrow. That night Goodwin helps Nathan out of the pit and tells him where to hide. Before he can get away, Goodwin snaps Nathan's neck. Well, it least he didn't brain him. The next morning they find Nathan gone and decide it is no longer safe. They head into the jungle looking for another encampment. They discover a Dharma door, inside are batteries, a bible, blankets, a radio. Oh yeah, and there's someone's glass eye. Goodwin decides to take the radio to a high point and see if he can get a signal out. He tells the rest to stay in the bunker, but Ana goes with him. At the top of a nearby hill, Ana asks Goodwin why he killed the children. Totally busted, Goodwin tells her the kids are safe. In fact they're better off. He tells her they didn't take anyone else because they were "bad people." They fight. Ana kebabs Goodwin through the chest. She returns to the bunker telling everyone they are safe here now. Bernard tries the radio and picks up a signal. Boone's distress call. Damn. Ana turns off the radio believing there are no other survivors, just the Others trying to lure them out. Later, while fishing, Libby and Cindy find Jin washed up on shore. Eko ties him up but he escapes. They chase Jin and run into Michael and Sawyer, and Eko hits them all over the head. Montage, as the events of previous eps replay briefly until we're caught up. In the jungle, the whispering voices start and Ana whips out her gun and suddenly Shannon runs out from the brush. Ana fires, hitting her in the abdomen. Michael and Jin stare in shock. Shannon stumbles back into Sayid's arms.