Friday, May 29, 2009

Feel the Homomentum!

Openly gay teen Sergio Garcia has been elected prom queen at L.A.'s Fairfax High. What started out as a "stunt" by Garcia blossomed into a campus-wide "discussion about gender roles and popularity."
Days before the dance, Garcia told fellow students that he was "not your typical prom queen candidate. There's more to me than meets the eye."

He also promised that he would be wearing a suit on prom night, but "don't be fooled: Deep down, I am a queen."

And he made good of that promise Saturday, wearing a gray tuxedo topped off with the prized tiara.

Garcia, 18, said he saw fliers advertising the prom and the election but they didn't specify that the queen must be female. He thought the role would suit him better than prom king.

"I don't wish to be a girl," he told the Los Angeles Times. "I just wish to be myself."
The victory left Garcia feeling "invincible."

Feel the homomentum: It's wearing taffeta.

Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip



Thursday, May 28, 2009

Follow My Voice

Over the weekend Mlle Sparkletoes (my BFF and compagnon de chambre at Château Deeky) secreted me away to Chicago for 48 hours of hijinx and frivolity.

It was a heck of a nice surprise especially since I got to hang out with some of my favourite people in the multiverse, including Liss and Iain and the infamous Toddles. (Spudsy stood us up, which makes him an asshole, but wevs. He's yet to open my Xmas gift too (Hello, it's nearly June!), which makes him doubly an asshole.) The trip was extra, extra saucy special because OMFG!, I got to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch!! Live!!! On stage!!!!

Seriously, there aren't enough exclamation marks in the universe to express how brilliant the show was. And if there were, I'd need twice that many to say how brilliant Mlle Sparkletoes is for getting me there.

Anyway, I'm writing this not to tell you how awesome my weekend was (because when you're Deeky, every weekend is awesome) and how awesome, totally awesome, my friends are (all of which is absolutely true), but to let you know that the run of Hedwig at American Theater Company has been extended through June 13th. There is still time to see it.

Go, now, buy some tickets.

And because I love you all and want to show you my gratitude, I'll even get you a discount. Just, use the code "WOM" (that's shorthand for "word of mouth") when purchasing your tickets through the box office at (773) 409-4125 or online here and receive 10% off the ticket price.

The show really was amazing, well worth the 7 hour drive to get there, and any words to describe it just can't do it justice. Thanks Sparkletoes, thanks Liss, thanks Iain.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

Part 1: Bustin' No Longer Makes Me Feel Good

Dan Aykroyd confirms Ghostbusters 3 is in the works. If you recall, the first movie was pretty fuckin' awesome, and the second one teabagged goats. If we follow the law of diminishing returns, it's fair to say part three is going to shittiest sequel this side of Speed 2: Cruise Control. And if you think there is a chance this might not suck, consider this: The script is being penned by the same douchenozzles who wrote the dudebro costume drama Year One.
Aykroyd said he's hoping for a five-member "new generation" team with several female members. "I'd like it to be a passing-of-the-torch movie. Let's revisit the old characters briefly and happily and have them there as family but let's pass it on to a new generation."

Who does Aykroyd think would be good in the jumpsuits? Aykroyd mentioned two names, Alyssa Milano (who is a voice in the upcoming Ghostbusters video game) and Eliza Dushku. "I think they're amazing," he said.
Why am I imagining some hetero male über-wank fantasy featuring hot chicks in jumpsuits doing kung-fu à la Kill Bill, except with Slimer instead of David Carradine? For fuck's sake, please don't do this.

Besides, the world does not need a dumbassed half-ironic cover of the theme song as performed by Fall Out Boy.

Part 2: The Death of the Reboot

Director Fran Rubel Kuzui has decided to relaunch the Buffy the Vampire Slayer film franchise with a sequel that "would have no connection to the TV series, nor would it use popular supporting characters like Angel, Willow, Xander or Spike." I am sure the fans will just love this idea.

Taking hold of the "In every generation there is a Chosen One" clause in the TV series' opening narration, Kuzui will steer the series in a new direction, one that involves zero input from creator Joss Whedon. I am sure the fans will just love this idea too.

Good luck with that!


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Kind of Magic

Word on the street is Queen is looking to recruit A.I. runner-up Adam Lambert to front the band. If true*, I say woo hoo! Good for Lambert, good for Queen.

Brian May, of Queen, stated that he and drummer Roger Taylor are "definitely hoping to have a meaningful conversation with him (Lambert) at one point." May went on to state, "I’d certainly like to work with Adam. That is one amazing instrument he has there."
Lambert responded tactfully:
"How do you say no to being in Queen? I mean, that's unbelievable. But at the same time, I do have my own thing to do right now, and that's my goal. So if I could, I would try to do both. That's the honest question. I would try to do both. I would love to perform with them anytime they wanted me to but I also have my record to do. So, we'll see."
While watching the finale, after Lambert rocked the house with "We Are the Champions" I said to myself "You know what would be cool? If Brain May leaned over and whispered in Adam's ear 'You're hired.'"


* I've had a wee bit of trouble verifying this. Most stories didn't name a source. I did find a site citing Entertainment Weekly. Entertainment Weekly's website cited Rolling Stone. A search of RS's website turned up nothing definitive. Maybe it's in the print edition.


California Supreme Court to Rule on Prop 8 Today

Just an FYI, today at 10 a.m Pacific time, the California Supreme Court will issue an opinion on the constitutionality of Proposition 8.

"...[L]eaders from both sides of the ... issue have predicted that the California justices will uphold the ban but also allow approximately 18,000 same-sex marriages from last summer to stand." I am not sure how that is even legal, but hey, that's activist judges for you.

Advocates of equality are gearing up to overturn the ban as soon as the November 2010 election, should that prove necessary. Fingers crossed, it won't.

The opinion, when released, will be available here.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Movies You Can't Netflix: Runaway Car

(In light of yesterday's total clusterfucktastrophe of a news day, I thought I'd post something a little more light-hearted. Runaway Car aired once, on Fox, the evening of January 21, 1997. It has not hit the airwaves since. This is my second favourite made-for-TV movie, right after Dead Ahead starring Stephanie Zimbalist.)

I'm not going to bother explaining the chain of events that led to three total strangers and an infant being trapped in a car together, because it really doesn't matter. All that matters is this car is on the highway, hurtling to its doom. The title sums up the plot quite succinctly. There isn't a whole lot more to the film than that.

The car is stuck in gear, pedal to the proverbial metal, zooming down the freeway at 80 miles per. At first the Highway Patrol assumes Jenny (Nina Siemaszko) is just a reckless scofflaw and quickly engages in a pursuit. But Ed (Judge Reinhold) suddenly remembers he has a mobile phone and dials 911, letting the cops in on their predicament.

So now the cops have to figure out a safe way to resolve the situation. That is, if the bureaucrats don't muck things up. Like the mayor of Springfield ("The City That Never Stops"). He's assembled a water barrier to keep the dangerous vehicle out of his town. It doesn't do much, except splash everywhere, but it does send a message to the passengers: the authorities are not interested in helping them.

And things aren't any better at the state line. The Governor has ordered the drawbridge raised, there is no way he's letting this two-ton speeding bullet into Seaport, not on his watch. I'm not sure that was his actual dialogue, but it's close enough. The passengers decide to take matters into their own hands, and send Dexter (Brian Hooks) out to disable the car's wiring under the hood. Not a great plan at 80 MPH, but better than drowning. I guess. That doesn't work. Like hitting the brakes didn't work, and how monkeying with the ignition didn't work either.

It's clear nothing is going to stop this car. Nothing except splashing into the bay or running out of gas, whichever comes first. The decision is made that the infant must be saved and an attempt is made to pass her out the window to a nearby cop car. Ed doesn't have the nerve to let go of the kid dangling inches above the asphalt and the plan is quickly scrapped.

Watching Judge Reinhold attempt to act distraught is almost as ridiculous as the fake baby he drapes out the window. (See left.)

However, they don't have a problem attaching the kid to a flimsy looking rope dangling from a news copter and chucking her out the sunroof. Of course, they probably should have checked to see if there were any overpasses on the horizon. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. Luckily, the baby doesn't go splat. That's one down, three to go, and all our passengers have to worry about is that drawbridge. Given, it's a pretty major obstacle and the Governor has no intention of backing down.

But when the officer escorting the runaway car disregards orders to break away, and reveals his intentions to stick with the pursuit to the end, the Governor has no choice. He's got to lower the bridge or risk killing a cop. The thing is, it'll take seven minutes to lower the bridge, but the cars will be there in six! Authorities will need to slam the bridge shut, but Willie Mae, the Sassy Black Woman™ who operates the bridge does not like this idea at all, and makes it perfectly clear. No one messes with her baby, not even the Governor!

(As an aside, I want to point out that the cantankerous draw-bridge operator is played by Ketty Lester, who sang the enormously popular hit song "Love Letters" in 1965.)

The bridge is lowered, just in the nick of time, and the runaway car sails quietly into the next state. Quietly? Yes! The car has finally run out of fuel and is coasting to safety. Oh, wait, no… What's that up ahead? A school bus! The marching band will be killed, unless Jenny does something drastic…

Oh, how I love this movie! It is unrepentantly silly. I was lucky enough to catch it on its premier airing on Fox back in 1997. So enamored of it I was that I emailed Fox and asked if they planned to air it again, so I could maybe videotape it. They were very kind in their response, but ignored my pleas to rebroadcast this gem. It took me nearly a decade to track down a DVD, and I had to import my copy from the UK. This film never fails to make me laugh whether it's Judge Reinhold's performance, or Ketty Lester's cameo, or the obviously fake baby or Springfield's tongue-in-cheek city motto. It's comedy gold, whether the filmmakers intended it or not. Though, I suspect they did.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip

The Numberwang Code

(For anyone considering a movie this weekend.)


Movies You Can't Netflix: Megaforce

(As I mentioned elsewhere, I've not one, but two (!!!), autographed stills from this film hanging in the study at Château Deeky. God bless the beasts and the Bostwicks for putting Sharpie to paper and making me an exceedingly happy spandex aficionado. This film, sadly, has not been released on DVD. Yet.)

A lot of phrases have been used to describe Megaforce, most of them variations of "shitty." The range seems to go from "pretty shitty" on one end, to "really shitty" near the middle, to "unbelievably shitty" down at the far end of the scale.

But let me tell you something: They are wrong. All wrong.

Megaforce is so blissfully self-aware, so steeped in the knowledge that it is nothing more than a silly film about motorcycles and spandex, that any attempt to take it remotely serious automatically fails. Megaforce is critical kryptonite. Try to take a swing at it, you'll see. It's like trying to punch a ghost: There is nothing to hit.

This film is fluff and it knows it. From Barry Bostwick's nudge-nudge-wink-wink performance to the ludicrous storyline, everything about this film is ridiculous. And that is its genius. It's one thing to be a crappy film; it's another thing altogether to be a crappy self-important film.

But, anyway… to the story.

Megaforce is a top-secret elite fighting force made up of volunteers from all the world's free countries. There's a guy from Japan, a guy from Mexico, a guy from Dallas named Dallas. And there's Ace Hunter, the group's leader. He's in charge since he's the only one with a rank, plus he's always dressed in gold spandex.

Hunter isn't very bright. But he's a nice guy and has a lot of confidence. That's not to say he's stupid, no. But he's a man who clearly knows his strengths, riding a motorcycle that shoots rockets chief among them.


Mercenaries from Gamibia have been breeching the border of neighboring Sardün and destroying model factories with fireworks. Sardün spent a lot of time building those little models, and the smell of burning plastic is making them nauseous. So Sardün asks Megaforce for aid to stop the attacks.

The delegation from Sardün consists of Zara, the Sardünian President's daughter, and Bryne-White, commander of the Sardünian armed forces. Now, let me mention that Zara appears to be an Indian, and Byrne-White is clearly an Englishman, and Sardün, when we finally see it, looks rather like Nevada. For a moment I thought the Zara/Bryne-White relationship was some clever commentary on Raj, then I remembered I was watching Megaforce, and quickly came to my senses. I'm not sure where Sardün is exactly, but it's pretty much indiscernible from Gamibia, which looks a whole heck of a lot like the same place Megaforce is headquartered. All look suspiciously like the Silver State. (Hooray for economic locations!)

Zara and Byrne-White tour Megaforce's headquarters, which is, of course, hidden deep inside a cave somewhere. They meet the team's scientist, see lots of high tech machinery, and get a look at Megaforce's formal wear. These outfits may actually be worse than the spandex suits. Imagine Jean-Paul Gaultier's even gayer brother designing a new outfit for Cap'n Crunch, and you'll have an idea of what I am talking about.

Sure, Ace still manages to look good in his outfit, because he's that fuckin' cool, but Dallas, well, he looks like Woody Harrelson vacationing at Neverland Ranch. Despite this, Zara is impressed enough to lobby to join Megaforce on their strike into Gamibia. Maybe she wants one of those Cap'n Crunch outfits of her own. Even though she's a decorated veteran of the Sardünian military, Ace doesn't think she has what it takes to be a member of Megaforce. Nonetheless, he agrees: If she can prove herself worthy, she can come along.

Zara's tests seem to consist of playing a primitive video game followed by skydiving to "The Love Theme From Megaforce." During the vetting Zara and Hunter fall in love, not so much because they're attracted to one another, but because that's what happens in situations like these. By "situations like these" I mean, of course, "films about motorcycles and spandex." They do seem genuinely fond of one another, despite having no real reason to be. But it's kind of cute, like when two people in an arranged marriage accidentally fall for one another.

Despite her excellent performance in the arcade and in the air, and his obvious desire for her, Ace refuses to let her go on the mission. No, she'd just be in the way, the 60 men of Megaforce are a finely tuned machine, and she'd just be a distraction. Still, Ace asks her for a date, telling Zara to meet him in London after the mission.

It is also revealed that Guerera, top mercenary and leader of the Gamibian Army, just happens to be an old pal of Hunter's. More than an old pal, really, they're more like best friends. They've known each other since their days at the Academy (What academy? Don't ask questions like that, they're not important.) Somewhere along the way, Guerera followed the money. Hunter, of course took the high road, defending freedom.

Anyway, the plan is for Megaforce to sneak into the heart of Gamibia, blow up some of their models, and then flee across the border to Sardün. Not wasting any time, Megaforce parachutes into Gamibia on their motorcycles and in their jeeps. Allow me to repeat that. Megaforce parachutes into Gamibia on their motorcycles and in their jeeps. On their fucking motorcycles, people! Suddenly, I have a new favourite movie.

Things go well. Too well, actually. The Gamibian stronghold is destroyed, left a mass of burning plastic, flaming barrels, and overturned jeeps. Megaforce disappears into the night, having taken nary a casualty. Now to the rendezvous point for re-supply, then to Sardün and safety.


While refueling in the Gamibian outback (AKA Henderson, NV), a Red Cross chopper swoops into Megaforce's camp. And guess who is onboard. Guerera! He's come to offer Hunter a deal. You see, Megaforce's attack was so successful, Gamibia is considering it an act of war. Sardün has no choice but to deny them safe passage across their border. Guerera tells Hunter that if Megaforce lays down their arms, he'll offer Hunter safe passage out of Gamibia. Apparently the rest of the team is expendable, so Hunter declines the offer.

Still, there is only one way out of Gamibia. Megaforce needs to make it to the dry lake bed, meet up with their plane and fly out to safety. Unfortunately, as Guerera explains, his battalion of tanks sits on the edge of bed, prepared to annihilate Hunter and company. So, what will happen?

Hunter explains: "The good guys always win, even in the Eighties."

He's got his bike, he's got spandex, and don't forget, he's got a date in London. There's no stopping him…


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip

A History of Numberwang


Happy Birthday, Mr. T!

Next to God, there is no greater protector than Mr. T.

Best birthday wishes to the man who taught me to treat my mother right.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009


The cats were missing. I looked everywhere, all the usual hiding spots: Under the bed; back of the closet, behind my pants; in the laundry hamper (one of Kali's favourite spots); on a dining room chair, under the table, out of view; in the shower, behind the curtain (and no, I don't understand it either); under the end-table by the couch; in a window, hidden by the curtains. Nowhere. The cats were missing.

I looked in the laundry room, saw nothing, but did notice the dryer door was open just a crack. I must not have closed it completely after I'd earlier grabbed my jeans.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Liss and I were chatting earlier and during the conversation I lamented the fact that a very dear friend of mine was in a bad spot. There was next to nothing I could do about the situation and I said I felt like an asshole because of it. Liss told me I wasn't an asshole, as the situation was not my fault, and the responsible party was, in fact, the true asshole here.

But I explained "A lot of my self-worth is tied into me helping everyone else around me, usually at the expense of my own health and happiness."

"You're such a girl," she replied. It was not said the way most people say it, even as it played on how they do.

"You know what's funny?" I asked her. "Well, not funny so much as sad. But in most contexts 'you're such a girl' would be an insult. But here it makes me reply: Awesome. Totally awesome."

Liss sent back: "Btw, feeling like an asshole for wanting to help people makes you an asshole. Not a real asshole. The kind of asshole I always call you. And if your self-worth is tied into helping people around you, then you should basically spend your life feeling like a million goddamn dollars, considering you help me get through the day every day just by being you."

Friday, May 15, 2009

Photo of the Day

President Barack Obama bends over so the son of a White House staff member can pat his head during a family visit to the Oval Office May 8, 2009. The youngster wanted to see if the President's haircut felt like his own. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

Manitoba Rejects Sex Reassignment Surgery Coverage

Renee at Womanist Musings delivers some distressing news:
It was with much dismay that I learned a while ago that Alberta had delisted sex reassignment surgery to save 700,000 in a multi billion dollar budget. It seems that when finances become an issue the government has no problem declaring the needs of the trans community to be optional.

Manitoba has decided to follow Alberta's lead and reject funding for SRS surgery. Unlike Albert, Manitoba is not looking at a deficit budget in fact the government predicts a $48 million surplus this time next year. If the surgeries were to be covered the "NDP estimate that 15 to 20 trans people a year would take advantage of the policy, at a cost to taxpayers of $15,000 to $60,000 per case."

The reason that SRS is not funded is because they have categorized it as cosmetic.
Read the whole thing here.


Because Jesus is wicked extreme and edgy! Christianity is the new rebellion!


Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip

The Official Numberwang Play Numberwang At Home Numberwang Board Game


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Recipe: Tuna Sashimi with "Dipping Sauce"

From the book Natural Harvest by Fotie Photenhauer:
Tuna Sashimi with Dipping Sauce

Sashimi is raw fish served only with a dipping sauce. It is a good example of the subtlety in the Japanese kitchen. The delicate fish and the spicy sauce make a great appetizer. Fresh tuna and fresh semen are a splendid food combination.

Fresh tuna
¼ cup soy sauce
½ cup peanut oil
2 tablespoons sesame oil
1 tablespoon grated garlic
1 tablespoon grated ginger
1 tablespoon semen

Slice the tuna very thin and set aside. Whisk together remaining ingredients. Serve the tuna with the dipping sauce. Garnish with some simple greens and pickled ginger. For more semen flavor, omit the garlic and ginger.

Oh, did I fail to mention the book's complete title? It's Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

Other recipes include the Almost White Russian, which seems fairly faithful to the traditional recipe, aside from the requisite dose of spunk, Man Made Oysters that calls for "Chilled fresh semen, the more the better," and Creamy Cum Crepes, with a doubtlessly delightful cottage cheese and jizz filling.

Plus there are handy chef's notes throughout, like this one on storing your perishables: "Keep a small container in the freezer and simply add (ejaculate) into the container every morning..." And this one, on proper mise en place: "Plan your semen dinner in advance by collecting semen in the morning and then just before it is called for in the recipe."

Of course, this tip, to me, sounds a decidedly dangerous undertaking: "Heat up a lightly oiled frying pan/skillet. Remove from heat and ejaculate directly into the pan..." You know, the only thing less appealing to me than eating a spunk omelette is the idea of putting my cock near a sizzling pan of oil.

But if you are the type who's curious about new cuisine, pick up your copy of Natural Harvest here.

Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip



Just One Question

Who the fuck is Rob Pattinson?


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Movies You Can't Netflix: Dance With A Vampire

(In which I fill up space on the blog by sharing my thoughts on an obscure piece of cinema: Today's film comes from Kentucky circa 2006. I have no idea if this film was ever released for public consumption.)

George Bonilla is clearly someone who wants to be a great filmmaker. Unfortunately, he has no idea what makes someone a great filmmaker. Worse yet, he has no idea what makes someone a competent filmmaker.

Make no mistake: this film is not good. The acting is awful, the writing is worse. Most shots are so poorly framed it lead me to wonder who, if anyone, was behind the camera. The dialogue is muddled, the sound effects cheap. The film is overlong, there are too many subplots, too many characters. People come and go throughout this film with no explanation. And much like Bonilla's Zombie Planet, this film hasn't the common courtesy to wrap up the storyline. Instead it just sets up a sequel, which, if we're lucky, will never get made.

Worse yet, it's boring too. Pacing is a concept foreign to Bonilla. As any fan of cinema knows, fight scenes are supposed to be exciting, not just two guys flailing at each other with sticks. According to his bio, Bonilla "turned his back on a successful career in television" to pursue his aspirations as a filmmaker. What exactly was he doing in television prior to this? Was he a janitor at a TV station? There is nothing in his work that suggests he's had any training, much less any experience behind the camera.

Dance With a Vampire opens with some guy being interviewed by two other guys. It isn't really clear where this is or who any of these people are, but I guess the two guys are detectives, and the other guy is some other guy. No one in this movie much has a name, or if they do, I rarely caught them. This may have been due to the shitty sound quality, which made a lot of the dialogue unintelligible. Of course, one of the huge problems with this film is that there is too much dialogue to begin with. Anyway, the Main Guy (we'll just call him that until we learn otherwise) is trying to warn the cops about a group of vampires that have just rolled into town.

These are no ordinary vampires, no, these vampires became undead in the Seventies, so they've an unnatural affinity for polyester leisure suits and Giorgio Moroder tunes. The Main Guy tells the cops if people start ending up dead, there'll be polyester vampires to blame. It's not clear why the cops are even listening to this guy, as his mutterings hardly seem credible. I guess it was either this or another night of rousting kids in the 7-11 parking lot.

Nonetheless, he turns out to be right, and the leisure suit vampires show up in town. First stop is an old discothèque. Unfortunately, the disco's been closed for thirty years and now houses a biker bar. The vampire gang is made up of a guy in a white, Saturday Night Fever suit, a tall, black guy with a huge afro, and a gaunt fellow with long, black hair. There are about ten others, but they're pretty indistinct from one another, and besides, most them are never seen again after this.

The disco is closed, but the vampires head upstairs to the dance floor anyway. Fortunately, closing the disco consisted entirely of stringing some yellow caution tape across the top of the stairs. Everything else is exactly as it was thirty years ago. The lights, the disco ball, it's all still there. They even managed to leave "Disco Inferno" cued up on the turntable.

The vamps stroll through the tape, through the cobwebs, and… wait as second! Those aren't cobwebs, they're "cobwebs." You know the kind. They sell 'em in plastic bags at Target around Halloween. Most folks hang them around their porches, along with paper jack-o-lanterns and plastic spiders, and they pretty much look fake. And that's how they look here: fake.

The film has lots of crappy effects like that. For example, lightning is imitated by flashing a strobe on the actors. But the light only hits the person in the foreground, and nothing else, the end result looking more like someone taking a photograph than actual weather. (Which is what I thought was happening the first few times it happened, until I realized what was being attempted.) Or when one of the vamps spews smoke, but it's just an actor standing next to a billowing fog machine. I don't understand the desire to use cheap, fake effects. Why not skip them altogether? You don't get bonus points for trying, not if the result looks half-assed.

We, the audience, are then treated to a long, drawn out dance number. The bikers giggle, and the home viewers cringe. The leisure suit vampires shake their undead groove things, all except The One With Long Black Hair. He waltzes with his lady. I guess that means he's old. I guess that means he's the leader. Though, if he is the leader, he doesn't have much of a presence in the film. Saturday Night Fever is in twice as many scenes, has way more dialogue, and even leads the big shootout with the cops.

The bikers' amusement is short lived, as the discoing vampires suddenly attack them. It's kind of confusing, as the shots of mayhem don't seem edited together in any way, and it's sort of just a random montage of blood and dancing. And maybe we'd feel a little sorry for the bikers if they just didn't stand there and let themselves be attacked.

Fade in on the next scene, the aftermath. We're introduced to another half dozen cops and the coroner, all of whom get hefty chunks of dialogue. This scene goes on far too long. In fact, all of the cop characters, and their subplots, could have been jettisoned completely, and the film not suffered. But apparently Bonilla never met a scene he didn't like, and he's shoved everything he's filmed into his movie. There are a lot of scenes featuring these cops, and more. I am not going to tell you about them, because I don't have all day, and neither do you. And as I have said, they don't really benefit the movie any.

Now is time for a little background on the Main Guy. He's standing on the street passing out flyers. Someone is missing and he wants to find her. Handing out leaflets is tiring work (just ask anyone at Tony Alamo Ministries) so the Main Guy ducks into a coffee shop for breakfast. In a stroke of good luck, his waitress claims to have seen the missing woman in that very diner just a few days ago. The Main Guy immediately jumps up and flees the diner. "What about your food?" asks the waitress. I was sort of wondering the same thing. But the film is filled with moments like this, where the characters do things for no rational reason. It's not like he actually had somewhere to be, because in the very next scene he's wandering a dark ally taping up more flyers. (And dude, using masking tape on brick: that ain't gonna hold.)

Being in the alley does give the Main Guy the chance to finally run into one of the vampires. The vampire is big and bald and assaulting a street preacher. This is our first real peek at the vampire makeup. Shamefully, it's just a rip off of the scrunchy forehead look from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. Big Bald recognizes the Main Guy and asks "Is that you, Elwood?" Finally, a name! I think. I mean, it's hard to understand Big Bald. First of all, his prosthetic teeth are really impeding his speech. Secondly, his voice is processed in a way that is far too reminiscent of Zandor Vorkov's in Dracula Vs. Frankenstein. Big Bald rips out the preacher's throat, despite Elwood clubbing him over the head with a tire iron. "That's gonna leave a mark, Redwood." Wait. Is his name Elwood or Redwood?

Oh, Jesus, who cares…

Before Big Bald can really beat the shit out of Elwood, a homeless man shows up and jumps on the vampire. A long, drawn out fight sequence follows. The director wants to make a point that this is no ordinary hobo. No, he's some sort of super-hobo. Still, he'd get his ass kicked too if yet another cop hadn't shown up. Yes, this cop brings with him his own subplot, but I am not going into that one either. The cop breaks up the fight, allowing everyone to escape.

Saturday Night Fever, Afro, and A Female Vampire In A Prom Dress stroll down a different fog-laden alley (yes, Bonilla got him a fog machine on the cheap and discovered shooting in alleys was easy to do) and into a Neo-Nazi rally. There's lots of exposition before a long, drawn out scene where the vampires attack the Nazis. Again, the victims just stand there and allow themselves to be bitten. I think we're supposed to feel glee at the vampires slaughtering the Nazis, but it doesn't really work. First off, the vampires are the villains of the movie. And when one group of bad guys kills another group of bad guys, it's hard to figure out who you're supposed to be rooting for. Secondly, the vamps have already been shown to murder innocent people, so their killing of the Nazis fails to interpret as some sort of moral victory. The vamps are indiscriminant killers, and the Nazis just one more meal for them.

The homeless man, we learn, is named Bolt Upright. He may be a superhero; then again, he may be a nutcase. Still, Elwood decides to join forces with him and stop the vampires. This is followed by a long, drawn out training montage, where Bolt schools Elwood in the ways of hobo-fu, which largely consists of hitting one's enemy with a long stick. We also learn that Elwood is something of a gunslinger, which sort of explains his cowboy hat and duster. It also stands to reason his name might actually be Redwood after all.

Their plan is to wash up a homeless woman, drape her in an evening gown, and use her to lure the vampires into a confrontation. I am not sure what the rest of their plan is since the last time they ran into a vampire they both had their asses kicked. The homeless woman cleans up real nice, as they say, and Redwood is immediately smitten with her. That doesn't stop him from using her as bait, mind you.

Before they can put their plan into action, we have to meet two more characters. Did I already mention this film as far too many characters and subplots? For the most part, I've tried to ignore them, but in this case, while the characters are superfluous, their contributions aren't. Doc Q (get it?) and his girl are mad scientists, of sorts, and they arm Bolt and Redwood with two things: a fistful of holy water bullets, and a gun that fires wooden stakes. These come in handy later. Much later. Okay, admittedly, the stake gun is never actually used, and the holy water bullets become a minor, distracting plot point later. Nevermind.

But it's time to put the plan into action, which means Redwood is again alone in an alley. I don't know what happened to using Homeless Woman as bait. Nonetheless Redwood suddenly finds himself surrounded by Saturday Night Fever, Afro, and A Vampire In A Miami Vice Jacket. Not too long later the cops arrive. All of them, it looks like. And suddenly, the cops are engaged in a shootout with the vamps. Do I need to mention it's a long, drawn out gun battle?

The shoot 'em up scene ends after Redwood plugs Afro, Saturday Night Fever flees, and Miami Vice is "killed" by police. (That last bit is just a set up for a long, drawn out sequence where Miami Vice springs back to life in the back of an ambulance, à la Hannibal Lecter. The best part about that sequence is how it suddenly jumps from the middle of the night to the afternoon for no apparent reason. It also features the least exciting car chase this side of Apocalypse.) After the dust settles and the fog machine shuts off, Redwood is arrested and presumably taken downtown.

What follows I a long, drawn out interrogation. Not of Redwood, no, but of Bolt. Huh? Somehow, Bolt is now in custody, taking the heat for the shootout, despite having not actually been there. And where is Redwood? Fuck if I know. What I do know is Homeless Woman breaks Bolt out of jail, so they can go save Redwood somewhere else.

It turns out Redwood is being held at the vampire's lair. (How'd that happen? I have no idea.) The lair appears to be decorated with items from the Hot Topic clearance aisle. There are velvet curtains, plastic body parts, "cobwebs," and of course fog. Redwood is tied to a skull-emblazoned throne, I think stolen from Alice Cooper's house. (For supposed vampires on the move, do they actually lug this thing from town to town with them?)

Now comes the tearjerker scene. (Okay, I admit, my eyes only watered up because I was tired and yawning.) Redwood is finally reunited with the woman he's been searching for. It turns out she's his sister and he wants to save her. I'm not really sure what he planned to do once he found her, because, as I understand vampire lore, once you're undead, there ain't exactly a cure. Another thing I was wondering as I looked at her: She's a fair bit older than Redwood, and if I've followed what's been going on, she's been missing a long time, all the while trapped in an ageless state, which means she must've disappeared when Redwood was all of four years old. I am surprised they even recognize one another.

Their reunion is short lived. (Oh, who am I kidding, it, like everything else, is long and drawn out.) Bolt, Homeless Woman, and a dozen or so cops descend upon the vampire lair. What follows is battle between the cops and vamps, and the two parties dutifully snuff each other out one by one. Somewhere during all this Homeless Girl is sucked into a dream sequence with A Different Bald Vampire.

First they're in a white room, where Different Bald explains she's just dreaming, before he whisks her off to a meadow for tea and biscuits. I have no idea what the point of this is or why it was included in the film. It makes no sense and contributes nothing. I suppose though, that last sentence could apply to most scenes here.

Really, you could, as I mentioned earlier, ditch the cops and their subplots, especially all the stuff about their petty political maneuverings. You could get rid of the bit with the Nazis, this dream sequence, the mayor's press conference, the training montage, the car chase, and you'd still have too much movie. If you narrowed it down to just the vampires and disco, you'd at least manage to stick closer to what the film is allegedly about. Unfortunately, the whole disco angle is pretty much ditched after the opening scene.

What we have here is not a film, so much as a vaguely connected series of scenes. It seems Bonilla is trying to tell a story, but it all adds up to little more than a couple guys fighting some vampires. Somehow, the whole is less than the sum of its parts, as a slapdash, would-be epic collapses under the weight of its own pretensions.

Though, when stupid, random shit starts happening near the end, all pretense goes out the window. Or at least it should.

Four things happen next that seem so arbitrary that it's hard to make much sense of them: 1.) After rescuing him, someone hands Redwood a poncho, thereby completing his gunslinger look. 2.) Homeless Woman breaks her ankle and disappears from the film. This effect is achieved by her suddenly hunching over and saying "Ow, I think I broke my ankle." 3.) Bolt Upright suddenly dons a superhero costume, including cape and mask. 4.) The Vampire With Long Black Hair has suddenly mutated into a soggy-faced creature.

Okay, the last two are easy to explain. The stars have been replaced by different actors, and this was the director's way of hiding that fact.

By this point, all that is left is the big finale. The cops, Redwood, and Bolt must destroy The One With Long Black Hair. Guess what happens next. If you said long, drawn-out fight scene, you're right. It's discovered that wooden stakes and holy water don't work on the master vampire, for some stupid reason. It is also discovered that Redwood's sister has been spirited away by another vampire.

So, does that mean three of the main characters have disappeared from the set prior to the film being completed? Come to think of it Saturday Night Fever hasn't been around in a while either. Hey George, maybe you want to start paying your actors in something other than bologna sandwiches. It'll probably save you a lot of rewrites.

One thing is certain, the whole basic story, Redwood's search for his sister, remains unresolved when the credits roll. Bolt mentions he's going to set out after them, laying the way for a sequel. The One With Long Black Hair is eventually killed when Bolt stakes a block of C4 to his chest. The One With Long Black Hair makes no attempt to save himself, he just stands there growling until he explodes.

So, here we are, at the end of this thing. Finally. Taking into account all the dozens of characters, all the plot points, subplots, and set-ups throughout the film, how many have reached a resolution by this point? Zero. This movie has ultimately gone nowhere. That may be its worst offense. If a filmmaker's job is, at its most basic level, to tell a story, Bonilla has failed in this regard.

Bonilla is quoted as saying "Don't confuse independent film with amateur film." Well, George, an amateur film is exactly what you've given us. There isn't one ounce of professionalism in the whole endeavor.


Random That Mitchell and Webb Look Clip



Lambert For The Win

While chatting with Oprah yesterday Simon Cowell predicted Adam Lambert will win this year's American Idol competition.

Cowell described Lambert as "fearless, unique," adding "he's got swagger." All winning traits according to the professional bully/obnoxious co-host.

Go on, Adam, get your homomentum on!

(Lambert is pictured here singing the national anthem.)


Monday, May 11, 2009

Friday, May 08, 2009

Dear Gay Republicans:

Please explain yourselves.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Radio Shakesville Update (Harry Krishna Edition)

The latest edition of Radio Shakesville has been described by critics and fans alike as "a podcast" and "an hour long." If you haven't already downloaded it, you can do that here. Or here through iTunes. Or here through Feedburner. You can also look here for a complete list of songs in this show and decide beforehand that, wow, this is a bunch of crap and not download it at all. Or you can ignore the list and be surprised by the crap.

For those who enjoyed the Women in Music episode (and really, I need a better title for that series) part two is in the works, so if you'd like to call in with a request, give me a ring. The number is (641) 715-3900, extension 44515. If you enjoyed this episode, that's a fun way to make the next one even better.

Of course, if you thought the episode sucked, you can call in and tell me that too.

Speaking of the request line, if you'd like to hear something not related to women in music, or if you'd just like to dial in and tell me I'm an asshole, feel free to do that too. If you don't call I'm going to have to go with Butch Pornstache's request for "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on a constant loop, because, as he said, "that one really gets the ladies wet."

And to everyone who has called in, and everyone who has downloaded it and enjoyed it, thanks so much.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

More Homomentum!

The D.C. Council voted today to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states. D.C. Mayor Arian M. Fenty is expected to sign the measure.

(Home Rule makes this one a bit more complicated, but I am not well-versed enough in that seemingly arcane form of governance to really comment on it thoughtfully.)

That's progress you're tasting!

Feel the Homomentum!

CNN has a new poll out that indicates a strong generational shift in support of gay marriage. The younger you are, the more likely you are to support equality. Kids these days!
Fifty-four percent of people questioned in a CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll released Monday say that marriages between gay or lesbian couples should not be recognized as valid, with 44 percent suggests they should be considered legal.

Among those 18 to 34 years old, 58 percent said same-sex marriages should be legal. That number drops to 42 percent among respondents 35 to 49 years old, and to 41 percent for those 50 to 64 years of age. The poll indicates that only 24 percent of Americans 65 and older support recognizing same-sex marriages as valid.
58%. Nearly two-thirds. And that number will surely grow. Note this quote: "People who say they have a gay friend or relative support same-sex marriage. Most of those who say they don't know anyone who is gay oppose gay marriage." As more and more people come out, as it grows more and more safe to do, support will continue to shift in favor of gay marriage.

That's progress, dodos, and you can't stop it!

Monday, May 04, 2009

John Edwards Under Investigation

I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this latest bit of news about John Edwards because a) I'm lazy, and b) I don't think he really deserves my time.

But allow me, briefly, to note why Edwards is under federal inquiry: In 2006 and 2007, Edwards' PAC allegedly funnelled $100,000 to Edward's mistress, under the guise of "video production" and "furniture purchases."


And if I may remind you, this is the same douchenozzle who had the temerity to lecture Liss on ethics. While cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. And while allegedly funnelling campaign funds to his mistress.


The Dogs Bark

Sniffing at Petulant's heels, I grabbed my copy of The Dogs Bark: Public People and Private Places by Truman Capote off the shelf and thought I'd share its mysterious inscription with you.

Transcript below:
To [illegible] at Christmas '73

Who also must tame barking dogs & one kitten that's always causing him NOT to hear (all the muses wish him to.)

For that & oh, so many things, I ask forgiveness.

I do love you darling.

Your Mitzi as long as she is .....
I've no idea who Mitzi and whomever (Steven, perhaps?) are, and can't, for the life of me, recall how I came into possession of this book. No matter, I'll put in my stack of summer reading materials between all six volumes of The Power Boys and Stealing Lincoln's Body.

This got me thinking about how whenever I gave my husband a book, he'd immediately want to know if I had inscribed it. His face would light up if I had, so I tried to whenever possible. (And I admit, I was unable to bring myself to write anything in the vintage copy of Being and Nothingness I got him.) And on a shelf not too far from the book Mitzi gave to hers, I still have a copy of the very first book, the very first thing if memory serves, I gave my beloved. On one page I traced an outline of my hand, on the verso, and inscription that is, now, as cryptic as Mitzi's. The words almost senseless now, but the meaning perfectly clear, nearly twenty years later.

Anyway, it was his birthday Friday. Happy birthday, dear boy, no books this year, just a couple dozen roses. I hope that will do.


Sunday, May 03, 2009

Radio Shakesville

The latest edition of the Radio Shakesville podcast in now available. It can be downloaded here or here or here.

A complete list of songs used in this show is here, should you be interested in hunting them down for purchase.

Thanks for listening!