Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sunday School, Thursday Edition: Bible Stories With Deeky: Moses and the Golden Calf, Parts 1 & 2

Sermon on the Mount, bitchez!A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away there once was a boy named Moses. He survived a very late-term (fourth trimester) abortion at the hands of a Muslim and enemy of freedom named The Pharaoh. The Pharaoh was a pro-abortion baby-hater and advocate of same-sex marriage. Needless to say, he had no business being around children, so Moses's caretaker (Grandma Moses) chucked him in the Nile. Because he loved the baby Jesus and prayed a bunch, Moses was not eaten by crocs, but instead rescued and made an honorary Egyptian.

That was all cool until God got a wild hair and decided to start giving a shit about the Israelites and commanded Moses to lead them to the Promised Land. The Egyptians didn't like this idea because they were lazy and didn't like to do anything themselves and had made all the Jews their slaves. "Sucks to be you," said Moses and told Yul Brenner they were gonna book. Yul was pissed and asked Allah to stop them, but Moses's God was bigger than Yul's God and He put the serious smackdown on the Egyptians.

God unleashed the Ten Plagues™ on Egypt which included: rivers of blood, raining frogs, prop comics, stubbed toes, and halitosis. God even killed all the Egyptian babies, just to show he wasn't fucking around. (As if raining frogs wasn't proof enough.) God's pro-life street cred was not tarnished by that last one. This was later made into a movie starring Hilary Swank.

So, Moses and the Israelites wandered the desert for forty years. There was no MapQuest back then. And even though God had no problem raining fire and locusts down on an entire country, He couldn't be bothered to give Moses a fucking compass.

While camped out near Mt. Sinai, God turned into a burning bush, and told Moses to come visit him up at his ski cabin in the hills. He had something for him. Moses put his son in charge while he was on vacation, which turned out to be just like that movie Risky Business, where all hell breaks loose while Dad is away.

Moses's son Aaron went around the village and demanded everyone give him their bling so he could melt it down into a statue of a calf. This was not socialism, by the way. The Israelites worshipped the Golden Calf, and when Moses got back, boy was he pissed! As it turns out, that was at the top of The List of Very Bad Things he had just been given by God. Moses then smashed the Golden Calf and killed everyone who had worshipped it. "Sucks to be you."

The moral of this story: Worshipping God = Good. Worshipping Idols = Bad. (Also, Don't fuck with God, he kills babies.)

Fast-forward 9,000 or so years.

Nouveau-Israelite, God Channel TV host and biblical scholar Cindy Jacobs attempted to prove you can serve God and Mammon. How? By worshipping a Golden Calf. Like Moses, God speaks directly to her, and He recently said "Nevermind all that shit I wrote in the Ten Commandments, get a bunch of people down to Wall Street, tout de suite. I need you to get your prayer on. And I hate gays."

The ever-obedient Jacobs put together the Day of Prayer for the World's Economies, which culminated with the laying of hands upon Wall Street's Golden Bull yesterday. (See image here.) God responded with a 2% increase on the Dow Jones.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Democracy Is Coming...

...To The USA.

Leonard Cohen


Monday, October 27, 2008

There Are Bad Times Just Around the Corner

And we've the gun sales to prove it.

Faced with a bleak economic forecast, and the possibility of a Democrat in the White House, Americans everywhere have been stocking up. On weapons. Yes, weapons. Not soup, or blankets, or water. Not even bibles. But guns and ammunition.

As Bob Leyshion, American citizen, puts it: "People are preparing for catastrophe right now. It's insurance. With the stock market crash and people out of work, and the illegal aliens in this area, the probability of civil disorder is very high."

So, with this perfect storm of a faltering stock market, illegal aliens, and presumed Democratic control of the government, we are, apparently, on the verge chaos, rioting, and the breakdown of civil society. Better stock up on semi-automatic weapons then.

"Look at the political situation and the financial situation. It's common sense. People are scared," says Gun Emporium owner Fred Russell. It's that common sense that says put an Uzi in your kid's hands, I guess.

And as gun owner Margaret Marcus explains: "I think right now people are scared Obama is going to take their rights away." Don't worry, Margaret Marcus, I am pretty sure your membership in a well regulated militia will not be infringed.

Speaking of militias, and people with guns and the breakdown of civil society:

Law enforcement agents have broken up a plot by two neo-Nazi skinheads to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and shoot or decapitate 88 black people, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco Firearms and Explosives said Monday.

Jim Cavanaugh, special agent in charge of ATF's Nashville field office, said the two men planned to kill 88 black people, including 14 by beheading. The numbers 88 and 14 are symbolic in the white supremacist community.

I don't have any jokes to accompany that bit of information.

Maps and Legends

I love CNN's Electoral Map Calculator. Especially the way it stands now. Just look at it. If you give all the "safe" and "leaning" states to the respective candidates, there is no way McCain wins. Even if you're exceedingly generous and give all the toss-up states to McCain, he still loses. In fact, the only way he wins is if he keeps all his states, takes all the toss-ups, and somehow manages to peel a few of Obama's away. Awesome. Totally awesome.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Oops!: Defrocked Edition

Note to priests, pastors and padres everywhere: Stay away from the hardcore porn while using rectory computers. Nevermind that what you're doing may be considered immoral and probably sinful by your particular sect, which, if discovered, might make you look like a hypocritical doucheface, but you run the risk of infecting your computer with a nasty virus.

And if that computer happens to be on the church's network, a virus like that could spread to the rest of the computers on said network, which could then turn the whole shebang to salt, so to speak. Then no one will have access to Mrs. Gustavsson's Frito pie recipe on the church website. Oh, and yeah, the pastor in question will likely have to resign. And maybe get defrocked.

By the way, just as an aside, "defrocked" is probably one of my top ten favorite words of all time.

So, if you're a man of the cloth and your web surfing can be described as "thousands of visits" to "very unpleasant" "extreme pornography" sites, it may be wise to snitch a few bucks out of the poor box and get Norton AntiVirus. Or risk a defrocking.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Bush To Keep Guantánamo Open

Seriously? What can even be said about this douchenozzle anymore? Ninety more days. Ninety more days.

And may the next administration do the right thing, and close this prison, no matter "how complicated it is."

Monday, October 20, 2008

Random Morrissey

Because, for no real reason that I can explain, I've had this song stuck in my head for the last couple hours. So, here, I thought I'd infect you, as well. Happy singing:

You're The One For Me, Fatty


Saturday, October 18, 2008

Levi Stubbs R.I.P.

Four Tops lead singer Levi Stubbs passed away yesterday at the age of 72. As tribute, here are a couple songs by the Mowtown legends:

"Baby I Need Your Loving"

"Reach Out (I'll Be There)"


Thursday, October 16, 2008

On Barack Obama

Courtesy of a New York Times article on race in the campaign.

"He's neither-nor. He's other. It's in the Bible. Come as one. Don't create other breeds." - Ricky Thompson, Mobile, AL.
Breeds? Seriously? We're not talking about the AKC here, we're talking about human fucking beings, you ignorant fuckneck. It's nice you can use your Bible to justify your hatred and bigotry. I really wanted the above to be the Quote of the Day, but the brief article was full of wonderfully vile and hateful gems, and I just had to share those too. For example:

"I would think of him as I would of another of mixed race. God taught the children of Israel not to intermarry. You should be proud of what you are, and not intermarry." Glenn Reynolds, Martinsville, VA.
Oh, I see. Another biblical scholar. Look, I'm no expert on theology, but I thought there was something in the Bible about pride being a bad thing. But what the hell do I know? That book is full of all kinds of crazy, contradictory crap. Whatever. Still, I somehow suspect if Obama wasn't of mixed race, you know, if he were, say, like 100% African American, Mr. Reynolds wouldn't warm up to him any quicker. And for the record, I did try to find something in the Bible about mixing races, and had no luck. If anyone wants to explain that to me, feel free.

"He's going to tear up the rose bushes and plant a watermelon patch." - James Halsey, Mobile, AL.
Hey, no Biblical rationalizations there. Just good old-fashioned racism that doesn't need any theological pedigree. Nice.

"He doesn't come from the African-American perspective; he's not of that tradition. He's not a product of any ghetto." - Kimi Oaks, Mobile, AL.
Oh, well, so long as he's not the product of any ghetto, I guess that's okay. And since he's not of the African-American tradition, that's probably okay too. I don't know what the fuck that means, but Ms. Oaks throws it out there like we should, nudge nudge wink wink and all that. If anyone wants to explain that one too, feel free as well.

"I've always been against the blacks," said [Bud] Rowell, who is in his 70s, recalling how he was arrested for throwing firecrackers in the black section of town. But now that he has three biracial grandchildren ... he said he had "found out they were human beings, too."
Wow. It took having biracial grandchildren to come to the conclusion that people of mixed ancestry were human beings. I guess better late than never. For me, I think I figured that out when I was about four. I'm not sure what excuse one has for taking five or six decades to realize what anyone with one iota of decency or sense already knows, that all human beings are, to use your words, Mr. Rowell, human beings. It's a pretty simple fucking formula, I think. Human being = Human being. For fuck's sake, it's not really complicated. At all. Unless one is willfully being ignorant.

I'm not trying to pick on Southerners here, but The South is where the story was written, and where these people were interviewed. I am sure if someone went to Seattle and asked around, they'd hear the same kind of stupid shit.

Which saddens me as much as it angers me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

World's Greatest Dad

A self-absorbed, insensitive douchenozzle snuck behind his wife's back to name his new daughter Sarah McCain Palin. The father and mother had previously agreed upon Ava Grace as a suitable name for their new daughter, but "to get the word out" father Mark Ciptak went ahead and put Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak on the birth certificate.

Ciptak rationalized it this way: "I took one for the cause. I can't give a lot of financial support for the campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little."

Yeah, way to go. Way to make that sacrifice. Glad you're getting the word out. Now everyone knows you're a duplicitous, unscrupulous douchebag with zero respect for either your wife or daughter. That's what you meant by "getting the word out", right? Because, really, no other explanation makes sense.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

By The Way

This is the worst title for a Bond movie since Octopussy.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Sandra Bernhard Cut

Sandra Bernhard has been cut from an upcoming appearance at a Boston women's shelter following her joke about Sarah Palin being gang-raped.

Bernhard said her words were taken out of context. The PR director for the shelter said "[We] don't think violence against women is a laughing matter."

It's still disappointing to hear Bernhard defend her joke. "In no way am I making any sort of joke about crimes against women — quite the contrary. I'm speaking out about someone who doesn't do enough to protect women." Sure, sure.

"I think if you look at the real issues I'm addressing, my intent becomes clear." Not so much.

Wevs, Sandra. But good on Rosie's Place, the aforementioned women's shelter, for doing the right thing.

Blasphemous Rumours

Like the eleventh plague raining down on all us Sodomites coolly lying in our Egyptian cotton sheets, Bill O'Reilly is proof that God exists. Or so says he:

"Next time you meet an atheist, tell him or her that you know a bold, fresh guy, a barbarian who was raised in a working-class home and retains the lessons he learned there.

"Then mention to that atheist that this guy is now watched and listened to, on a daily basis, by millions of people all over the world and, to boot, sells millions of books.

"Then, while the non-believer is digesting all that, ask him or her if they still don't believe there's a God!"
If O'Reilly is proof there is a God (and that is not something I'd concede just yet, not based on Bill's spurious logic), then I am sorely disappointed. I mean, seriously, this is it? No miracles? No loaves and fishes, no raising the dead? Evolution gave him thumbs No stopping bullets and saving Jules? No curing the sick, no ending suffering? Just some enormous douchenozzle getting his smirking, lying mug on TV everyday?

By that logic, Dog the Bounty Hunter is also proof there is a God. Jim Belushi too. (I'll also concede I have no knowledge of Belushi being a douchenozzle or a liar, but still, why the fuck is he on TV everyday?)

The fact that a bigoted, lying, xenophobe like O'Reilly is being broadcast around the world is in fact proof there is no God. Or if there is, He's away on business.



Random Thought: Dead Men Tell No Tales Edition

For a year, when I lived in Los Angeles, I had an annual pass to Disneyland. It was a pretty cool thing to have. I could go any day, any time to the Happiest Place On Earth™ completely free of charge. Sometimes I'd just go at lunch and ride Star Tours then go back to work. Or I'd stroll in on a Tuesday evening, buy an overpriced churro and take a spin on The Haunted Mansion. These odd hours and near-constant presence in the park afforded me some strange experiences.

Once, I was riding Pirates of the Caribbean, and a few boats back, there were a couple of rowdy "long hairs" (as my father would have called them). They were generally being obnoxious, splashing, cussing, and engaging in rowdy shenanigans. This behaviour culminated with one of them yelling "Sepultura" at the top of his lungs. A few moments later, the ride came to halt. I couldn't see their boat anymore, it was back around a bend. When the ride started up, and their boat came into view, they were gone.

Now, on occasion, I get the urge to yell "Sepultura." Pretty much at random.